Tinnitus Is Back Again, with a Vengeance

[Tonny]

Also, my doctor is an interresting case. He got a loud "Bzzzzz" quite sudden during his studies. He was tied to bed for a year before he was able to use CBT to get on his feet. He still has it quite loud - but is working (with me).

 

[Tonny]

[QUOTE="Tonny I'm sorry to say this but you're a huge contradiction. You posted saying you think your 'life is ending' due to T and now you're pulling out all the old habituation cliches about trains passing by. ."[/QUOTE]

Of course I am. I am clinging on to all hope, I have not given up, trying to find shreds of light through the mess. When I am down, I am suicidal - but sometimes like now - I am more into trying to fight. Sorry for not beeing consistant - its just that my emotions is like a rollercoaster these days.

 

[Bam]

[QUOTE="Tonny I'm sorry to say this but you're a huge contradiction. You posted saying you think your 'life is ending' due to T and now you're pulling out all the old habituation cliches about trains passing by. ."

Of course I am. I am clinging on to all hope, I have not given up, trying to find shreds of light through the mess. When I am down, I am suicidal - but sometimes like now - I am more into trying to fight. Sorry for not beeing consistant - its just that my emotions is like a rollercoaster these days.[/QUOTE]

Don't apologise. I do get it. I'm all over the place too but my message on T will always be consistent. We need an effective treatment because even if it gets better it can always get worse, as you yourself have proven. We need freedom and we can't get that from habituation.

 

[TLion]

I think youve misconstrued my argument completely.

We all want to achieve this! And I'm not deeply pessimistic at all. I'm honest. I don't believe in bullshit and I'm not on any side other than wanting a proper cure so people stop believing in fairies and unicorns, stop dying and losing everything they love to this savage disease.

I believe that some people get better and the noise lessens. They then feel okay but purport to this being 'habituated' and try and make themselves feel big and tough for learning to live with it.

What does severe Tinnitus mean for you? Mine is very very high pitched too. It sounds close to this:


I can hear through many sounds, driving the car etc. But sleeping is ok. You also can sleep, as far as I remember. How can we measure the severity? Should we do that? Isn't it me important to put the weight on living or lives with the condition? I am also still not over it, but I want to. And I don't want to dwell on my dark thoughts. That's not constructive thinking. Very much is mind over matter in terms of Tinnitus.

 

[Tonny]

Don't apologise. I do get it. I'm all over the place too but my message on T will always be consistent. We need an effective treatment because even if it gets better it can always get worse, as you yourself have proven. We need freedom and we can't get that from habituation.

Well, I do understand that. But I do think the doctors also agrees. But they are trying to find a cure - I dont think they stop because some people just cope. I just try to tell myself I should be glad not having cancer, ALS, Cluster headakes or similar - trying to put my mind to focus on life. I try to tell myself I have so many things to live for rather then beeing an example of how bad things can get, maybee ending my life to prove that Tinnitus is dangerous. I do not think its going to help. But this is my attitude now, it might change tomorrow.

 

[Bam]

Well, I do understand that. But I do think the doctors also agrees. But they are trying to find a cure - I dont think they stop because some people just cope. I just try to tell myself I should be glad not having cancer, ALS, Cluster headakes or similar - trying to put my mind to focus on life. I try to tell myself I have so many things to live for rather then beeing an example of how bad things can get, maybee ending my life to prove that Tinnitus is dangerous. I do not think its going to help. But this is my attitude now, it might change tomorrow.

Nobody should end their life to prove a point. Sadly some people just cannot take anymore and some of the 'coping' message and lack of progress towards an effective treatment means they give up and can't take anymore.

For what it's worth I think you're going to be fine my friend. Mentally you seem very well placed to handle this. Keep strong.

 

[Tonny]

I can hear through many sounds, driving the car etc. But sleeping is ok. You also can sleep, as far as I remember. How can we measure the severity? Should we do that? Isn't it me important to put the weight on living or lives with the condition? I am also still not over it, but I want to. And I don't want to dwell on my dark thoughts. That's not constructive thinking. Very much is mind over matter in terms of Tinnitus.

Yeah, its more like the 9000 hz. And I can hear it against most sounds, maybee exept when I shower (mostly, but some beeping sometimes punch through). But my T is extremely unstable. I also not that the first minute after waking up, its almoust gone for some strange reason. Sleeping and waking up is blissful.

 

[Tonny]

I will try to work a bit now for the rest of the day, focusing on other things. I need my work or I will loose my family.

 

[Bam]

I will try to work a bit now for the rest of the day, focusing on other things. I need my work or I will loose my family.

Go for it Tonny. I really think you'll be fine mate. You have a handle on this. It's gonna kick your ass and take a lot of enjoyment from your life, but love will keep you battling on. Like it does us all.

 

[Tonny]

Well, I really do love my wife ;-)

 

[Tonny]

Totally off topic, but: Maybe i should play Destiny 2 this evening. New DLC has come. Just to try to enjoy myself with some friends online.

 

[Tonny]

Biting my teeths together. Its a bit creepy talking to other people, because I get high pitched sounds (high frequent "swosh") listening in the phone or talking to others. Wonder how to get used to that :-\

I really have to put myself together not to get panic. But, I do really hope my brain gets used to it eventually if I just can continue. At the start I was not able to finish a phone call when that happend. Now, albeit a bit shaken I continue - finishing of the conversation and then get a bit down afterwards. A step forward?

 

[Tonny]

Well, had a good game of Destiny on my PS4 tonight, talking with my friends. Did almost not notice my T - but it was there when i checked. Its the small victory's I need to cling on to.

 

[Tonny]

It goes up and down. In bed today, have slept 13,5 hours (!). My Tinnitus is so unstable. The beeping sounds comes depending on external sounds, my movement or my mood. If I get raged thinking about what the Norwegian state has done to my family the high frequent beeping is usually spiking around in my ears and head. Thinking I would be better off with a constant sound to manage rather than this sudden sounds. On the positive side, my right ear started to click if I massaged my ears earlier + whining if I stretched my neck. That has gone down quite a lot.

 

[Tonny]

Status now, a lot happening actually .

I am in the Philippines on visit to my dear wife and daughter. Have been since 18. December, going back 18 January.

I work remotely each workday, and I am so thankful for a very understanding employer. I have had some very constructive days feeling I still actually can deliver. I love my work, and I love to feel that I do actually function as a valuable employee.

I had a nice mail exchange with Dr. Bruce Hubbard https://www.cbtfortinnitus.com/, I might do some sessions remotely with him when I am back. He is a great inspiration to me, and I so dearly want to get grasp on his way of dealing with Tinnitus. But one thing I am sure of, it will take time. I need to feel I can have bad days, but that it does not get generally worse over time. If I can get into this state, I think it will be easier if I get there, and I can get a foothold to start working more dedicated to handle the situation.

My daughter tend to scream sometimes without any warning, which is the biggest problem to handle. I use earplugs in any setting I know the sounds will be over 80 DB, but being around my daughter is the toughest situation. Specially when we eat, because i do not use earplugs then (the crunching from chewing gets too loud). I want to be a good father, but its so many practical issues with the earplugs - when I need to run to her because she is crying and such.

My ears are not better, swinging from day to day. I keep noting I do monitor it quite a lot which is the first thing I need to get rid of. Its hard to let go and in the same time find confidence that do not make things worse (loud sounds). I need to get a balance between not worry too much, but protecting myself in a sound way.

I tend to be scared my ears are getting worse each time I have an "accident" getting near my daughter when she screams. Its hard to know if its a random spike some days after or actually a permanent increase. I remember my big spike back in the summer came 1,5 weeks after the incident that probably caused it. This makes me scared for many days after a high sound.

Today I will have a session with a reporter about my family situation, which is my other problem to handle. Quite nervous, but I feel that I at least have to tell my story for others to see. Everything in my soul tells me that what has happen to my daughter is dead wrong, and there must be some changes in our system to address this terrible way of "dealing" with foreigners in my country.