Hi all,
It's been a LONG time since I have been last online on this forum. During the past year I have thought multiple times of posting my success story here, but I never took the time to write it. Why? Apparently I had better things to do.
I have experienced tinnitus plenty of times before I started suffering from it: whenever I had drank alcohol on a night out I would hear it when going to sleep and I would hear it too when I had exposed my ears to sounds that were too loud. I never suffered from that type of tinnitus since it would be away when I woke up.
The tinnitus that has never left me came during a night in May 2016. I woke up to a high pitched noise and first thought that it originated from another room. It soon became clear that the sound was coming from inside my head. I found it odd to hear it, since I was custom to only hearing it after drinking alcohol or having exposed myself to loud noises. I must add that at that time I was suffering from an anxiety disorder: hypochondria. The anxiety disorder I had developed because I had been experiencing odd symptoms (fasciculations, numb areas on my skin, muscle weakness, palpitations, etc.) for a long time. It was all caused by a ****load of stress (master thesis). I was afraid that the tinnitus was yet again another weird unexplainable symptom that would last forever. Hence, I reacted severely to it, in a negative way. And I did so for many weeks. In the beginning it was still a soft sound: a high pitched whistle in my left ear. But this was already enough to cause sleepless nights. Then my right ear joined the party with another clear tone, of course at a different frequency so that my musician brain could clearly distinguish between the two. As time passed, multiple other sounds were added to the false orchestra: a low humming noise that sounds as if dozens of cars are running idle outdoors, a noise that I later identified as white noise, morse code, you name it. And the combination of sounds changed daily, sometimes even hourly. Being a musician I was perfectly able to notice the slightest of differences.
My brain was completely obsessed with the sounds; I couldn't take my focus off of it. Being obsessed with it, there was little else that I talked about. I would surf the web constantly searching for a cure. I had stopped studying, exercising, socializing, eating properly and started drinking alcohol (even though that made it worse) on a regular basis. I was lucky to have such a caring girlfriend, who made sure that I obtained the vital nutrients. She suffered from my tinnitus phobia a lot. She already had her own stuff to deal with (chronic pain and fatigue). I no longer had an interest in her: because what is more interesting than phantom sounds in your head? Our relationship was no longer healthy.
Tinnitus slowly broke down what the hypochondria had left of me and I started to feel depressed. It got worse when I noticed that it would hurt when being exposed to loud noises. Since I had already read everything there was to read about tinnitus, mainly on untrustworthy websites (such a lousy scientist I was back then), I knew that I was starting to suffer from hyperacusis. Being so anxious, I was apparently prone to reading mostly the negative stories on the internet. And this gave me the tendency to fear the worst: at some point tinnitus and hyperacusis would just be too much to bear and I would see no other way but to end my life. In that particular time my panic attacks were accompanied by suicidal thoughts. I must admit that these thoughts were mainly caused by my overly apprehensive brain. I did not want to die. When the panic was gone, these thoughts would fade away.
I was in desperate need of professional psychological help. The GP arranged for me that I could start psychological therapy. I had to wait a few weeks but then finally I could start working on my tinnitus hassle with a psychologist with whom I was lucky to get along really well. The therapy was mostly based on cognitive behavior therapy. On the side she reintroduced me to mindfulness (I had already followed a course mindfulness during an earlier anxiety disorder).
Fortunately I also read helpful articles and threads, which pushed in the direction of TRT. Before I started reading 'Tinnitus Retraining Therapy' by Jastreboff, I had already begun using masking sounds. But instead of giving my brain the chance to habituate to the sound, I would completely drown it out. Jastreboff's book opened my eyes. It stated exactly what I was going through: I finally started to understand my situation. And my psychologist has helped me a great deal in implementing the tips and tricks that Jastreboffs gives in his book.
I lowered the volume of the masking sounds (white and pink noise mostly), which I was listening to 24/7, so that I could hear the tinnitus still. I planned moments in which I focused on the phantom sounds and tried to control my emotional reaction to it. I started practicing mindfulness on a daily basis. I tried to take care of myself as good as possible: I stopped drinking alcohol and coffee, I started exercising again (my girlfriend back then set up a reward system for me, which the lazy bastard that I was needed); my utmost priority was to get enough sleep. Regarding my sleep, I have also used medication.
All these steps have contributed to my recovery. My recovery was everything but smooth, I had several setbacks. But with the knowledge Jastreboff provided me with I knew that I could recover. And this has brought me to where I am today.
Now I sit here, more than three years later. My tinnitus is still there, all the sounds intact (or at least I think so). I can hardly tell if it changes still, because I no longer take notice of it. When it is quiet around me I sometimes notice it again, especially when I go to sleep. But then I focus on my breathing, or try make my limbs feel heavy and I no longer take notice of it. I have almost completely habituated my negative response to the phantom sounds in my head. Now I couldn't care less if it stayed or disappeared. But I think the odds are against it staying. After I have fully obtained the 'habituation of reaction', 'habituation of perception' will follow because this is simply how the brain works: any neutral signal that is unworthy of monitoring by the conscious mind will be suppressed.
The latter might take a while still though. I still have trouble with anxieties every now and then (mostly hypochondria). In this, Tinnitus is my friend now. He starts to make a lot of noise when I do not take good care of myself. Not taking good care of myself is a perfect culture medium for anxiety and therefore I truly admire that character trait. And the cool thing is that the loudness doesn't even bother me. He has taught me that I should live my life not as I used to: way too fast and not conscious at all.
In many ways tinnitus has helped me, it has enriched my life.
I hope it will do so for you too.
All the best,
Rudy
It's been a LONG time since I have been last online on this forum. During the past year I have thought multiple times of posting my success story here, but I never took the time to write it. Why? Apparently I had better things to do.
I have experienced tinnitus plenty of times before I started suffering from it: whenever I had drank alcohol on a night out I would hear it when going to sleep and I would hear it too when I had exposed my ears to sounds that were too loud. I never suffered from that type of tinnitus since it would be away when I woke up.
The tinnitus that has never left me came during a night in May 2016. I woke up to a high pitched noise and first thought that it originated from another room. It soon became clear that the sound was coming from inside my head. I found it odd to hear it, since I was custom to only hearing it after drinking alcohol or having exposed myself to loud noises. I must add that at that time I was suffering from an anxiety disorder: hypochondria. The anxiety disorder I had developed because I had been experiencing odd symptoms (fasciculations, numb areas on my skin, muscle weakness, palpitations, etc.) for a long time. It was all caused by a ****load of stress (master thesis). I was afraid that the tinnitus was yet again another weird unexplainable symptom that would last forever. Hence, I reacted severely to it, in a negative way. And I did so for many weeks. In the beginning it was still a soft sound: a high pitched whistle in my left ear. But this was already enough to cause sleepless nights. Then my right ear joined the party with another clear tone, of course at a different frequency so that my musician brain could clearly distinguish between the two. As time passed, multiple other sounds were added to the false orchestra: a low humming noise that sounds as if dozens of cars are running idle outdoors, a noise that I later identified as white noise, morse code, you name it. And the combination of sounds changed daily, sometimes even hourly. Being a musician I was perfectly able to notice the slightest of differences.
My brain was completely obsessed with the sounds; I couldn't take my focus off of it. Being obsessed with it, there was little else that I talked about. I would surf the web constantly searching for a cure. I had stopped studying, exercising, socializing, eating properly and started drinking alcohol (even though that made it worse) on a regular basis. I was lucky to have such a caring girlfriend, who made sure that I obtained the vital nutrients. She suffered from my tinnitus phobia a lot. She already had her own stuff to deal with (chronic pain and fatigue). I no longer had an interest in her: because what is more interesting than phantom sounds in your head? Our relationship was no longer healthy.
Tinnitus slowly broke down what the hypochondria had left of me and I started to feel depressed. It got worse when I noticed that it would hurt when being exposed to loud noises. Since I had already read everything there was to read about tinnitus, mainly on untrustworthy websites (such a lousy scientist I was back then), I knew that I was starting to suffer from hyperacusis. Being so anxious, I was apparently prone to reading mostly the negative stories on the internet. And this gave me the tendency to fear the worst: at some point tinnitus and hyperacusis would just be too much to bear and I would see no other way but to end my life. In that particular time my panic attacks were accompanied by suicidal thoughts. I must admit that these thoughts were mainly caused by my overly apprehensive brain. I did not want to die. When the panic was gone, these thoughts would fade away.
I was in desperate need of professional psychological help. The GP arranged for me that I could start psychological therapy. I had to wait a few weeks but then finally I could start working on my tinnitus hassle with a psychologist with whom I was lucky to get along really well. The therapy was mostly based on cognitive behavior therapy. On the side she reintroduced me to mindfulness (I had already followed a course mindfulness during an earlier anxiety disorder).
Fortunately I also read helpful articles and threads, which pushed in the direction of TRT. Before I started reading 'Tinnitus Retraining Therapy' by Jastreboff, I had already begun using masking sounds. But instead of giving my brain the chance to habituate to the sound, I would completely drown it out. Jastreboff's book opened my eyes. It stated exactly what I was going through: I finally started to understand my situation. And my psychologist has helped me a great deal in implementing the tips and tricks that Jastreboffs gives in his book.
I lowered the volume of the masking sounds (white and pink noise mostly), which I was listening to 24/7, so that I could hear the tinnitus still. I planned moments in which I focused on the phantom sounds and tried to control my emotional reaction to it. I started practicing mindfulness on a daily basis. I tried to take care of myself as good as possible: I stopped drinking alcohol and coffee, I started exercising again (my girlfriend back then set up a reward system for me, which the lazy bastard that I was needed); my utmost priority was to get enough sleep. Regarding my sleep, I have also used medication.
All these steps have contributed to my recovery. My recovery was everything but smooth, I had several setbacks. But with the knowledge Jastreboff provided me with I knew that I could recover. And this has brought me to where I am today.
Now I sit here, more than three years later. My tinnitus is still there, all the sounds intact (or at least I think so). I can hardly tell if it changes still, because I no longer take notice of it. When it is quiet around me I sometimes notice it again, especially when I go to sleep. But then I focus on my breathing, or try make my limbs feel heavy and I no longer take notice of it. I have almost completely habituated my negative response to the phantom sounds in my head. Now I couldn't care less if it stayed or disappeared. But I think the odds are against it staying. After I have fully obtained the 'habituation of reaction', 'habituation of perception' will follow because this is simply how the brain works: any neutral signal that is unworthy of monitoring by the conscious mind will be suppressed.
The latter might take a while still though. I still have trouble with anxieties every now and then (mostly hypochondria). In this, Tinnitus is my friend now. He starts to make a lot of noise when I do not take good care of myself. Not taking good care of myself is a perfect culture medium for anxiety and therefore I truly admire that character trait. And the cool thing is that the loudness doesn't even bother me. He has taught me that I should live my life not as I used to: way too fast and not conscious at all.
In many ways tinnitus has helped me, it has enriched my life.
I hope it will do so for you too.
All the best,
Rudy