My husband has always been my strength. I am thankful after all the years with tinnitus that he still takes my needs in consideration of whatever we may plan.
I knew I had to continue to fight this battle just to make him happy. In the first few months he would come home to find me huddled in the closet and rocking back and forth. He carried me into different various doctors offices. Finally, after about six months I started making myself live again. I still remember that long walk in a parking lot to the grocery store for the first time. It was my first hurdle.
Together we formed a plan to help others. And for a few years we worked with the ATA providing grants for medical treatments for people in need. This took us on an incredible journey of hope. This was always a private matter but was made public by someone who wanted to hurt me.
And then that program was horribly ended in the most hurtful way. So we withdrew from anything to do with tinnitus and went on our way. To this day he misses the way we were involved in helping people.
Which brings to my mind a few individuals that entered my life during that time. One was a very successful business man in Los Angeles. He had a family and two young kids. We were able to get him help in Oregon and for a year or so his life seemed to take shape. Until, Christmas Eve two years later I received a call from his wife that he had committed suicide. And this was not my first experience with this terrible issue.
I think it is harder on men than women. I think some wives may not be understanding or that the guy is so crippled by his tinnitus he just becomes withdrawn from his family. He feels defeated.
Back in 2002...
My friend's last words to me were I just cannot think because my tinnitus is screaming. We had been talking for seven hours straight. He had nothing. Lost everything. He didn't have a significant other. He spent hours helping other people on a support board.
He shot himself as we were talking.
This event led to the program with the ATA. My life changed forever. We just wanted to stop the needless hopelessness.
I was shunned for speaking out back then. I also suffered from PTSD following that incident. So after the program was dismissed - I withdrew from everyone in the tinnitus world.
I worked on myself to overcome the PTSD and get on with life once again. Tinnitus had not changed but my determination certainly did.
And not so long ago I was shamelessly offended on a tinnitus board for the entire ATA program by a person who set out to hurt me yet again. His words will never ever be forgiven. Yet, people seemed to shrug it off and not care what it did to me.
So then I started looking at this site and how hard Steve and Marku work. And the others who are involved with the running of this board and the facebook site. I however, do not do any social media whatsoever other than post on the forum.
This is the short version of my life story. I really need to write the entire story some day.
But the above is why I keep my profile closed off and hope others are not offended in any way.
My husband misses being involved and often asks me if I would consider getting back into it.
I just don't know yet.
I only share this because it is tinnitus awareness week - and hopefully - it will help.
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