Currently typing this at 4 am after 5 weeks of just pure denial. I just cannot believe how absolutely horrible my life has become. I can't cry anymore, this would have ruined me a year ago, but now I just don't feel anything. I had just gotten my life back on track when my tinnitus suddenly decided that my life had become a little too good so it decided to ramp up all noises and create a orchestra of nightmares.
New sounds have appeared, already existing sounds have worsened, sounds that have been stable for many years suddenly decided to move to the other ear and make it louder. I have tinnitus not just in ear anymore but also inside my head, unmaskable reactive noises have appeared. I just want to cry, i want to be put in a coma and never woken up again. I can't mask the noises because that creates new tinnitus sounds and makes already existing noises permanently worse.
I'm afraid to have a damn table fan on in my room now, because I know that it will worsen my tinnitus. I just sit in my quiet, dark, sad room and hope that I will die in my sleep.
Nothing I do helps anymore. Things I used to use as coping with my sad life just does not work anymore. For the first time in my life I'm just considering giving up and do nothing. It will get worse anyways so why the f**k should i try to improve my life. Everytime I improve my life it gets worse. EVERY SINGLE TIME!
I'm 18 years old btw. This is what my life has become. I've been living with tinnitus since birth and now I'm just done with it. I'm thankful for my parents' support through all this but nothing really matters at all.
Tried everything. Antidepressants, therapy, healthy sugar and salt free diets, vitamin supplements, good sleep schedule, exercising, going to the gym. Yet it just keeps getting worse! I'm just so done with this horrible life! I can just laugh at myself, I look in the mirror and see nothing but a f***ing failure of a person. My life has been nothing but a series of unfortunate events. Trying to explain my horrible life to the psychiatrist takes 2 hours minimum.
Wish I could have a normal life, like the other people my age who don't have to be me. But that will never happen and I understand that.
I haven't left my house and done anything with my life since I was 16. That's when it started going downhill, I didn't even celebrate my birthdays.
For the first time in my life I can confidently say that I have nothing to live for and all i want to do is just to die in my sleep.
Oh I have tried, I have gotten my life back on stable ground more times than I can count but that's when the tinnitus just gets worse. I just don't care anymore, don't care if I'm a loser who can't go to school, a loser who can't take care of his health, a loser who doesn't go outside, a loser who can't get a job. I just can't care anymore. I have gone completely numb. Tinnitus has destroyed my life.
I feel nostalgic for things that happened a month ago because my tinnitus hadn't worsened then. It is just a big endless cycle. I manage to live with the noise and have fun and it gets worse, I manage to get used to the worsening and do things that I enjoy, aaaaand it gets worse once again. I feel nostalgic for those few weeks of a false sense of comfort.
I actually feel like I might be going insane. I can't hear anything but my tinnitus, and I can't mask it. I don't remember who I was a year ago. My personality has become so twisted to the point where I don't remember who I was a year ago.
I don't have temporary spikes. Every time I get a "spike" it stays like that and doesn't change or go away.
Whenever my tinnitus has slightly changed at this point I just start laughing. Im' considering putting myself in a mental institution. My parents shouldn't have to live with me. All I come with is more depressing news of how my tinnitus keeps worsening.
I miss going on calm fishing trips with my dad, sitting outside in the quiet night not hearing my tinnitus 24/7, being able to sleep because I felt like sleeping, enjoying anything in life in general.
I just felt like I needed to put this out somewhere. I can't talk to my psychiatrist because they are on semester and I'm just stuck with myself and my parents. Enjoy life while you still can, because I sure can't anymore.
Fellow Swede,
Your story breaks my heart, and do know that I understand your suffering as I'm finding myself in a bit of a similar situation, fending to get my life back on track. I urge you to keep moving forward as things could turn around. You certainly are in the darkest hour, but please, hang in there.
I've read your previous post, and I have a hard time believing that your previously stable tinnitus from many years got worse, reactive and even permanently spiking because of masking noise or bruxism. Most of what I've read includes a second acoustic trauma, but I digress.
I'll let you know about my story in short; I developed tinnitus from an acoustic trauma in October 2020, it was very stable and only spiked to road noise which could be mitigated by hearing protection. I also got hyperacusis, i.e. some noises felt "too loud", like dishes clanking and so on. After a month or two the hyperacusis pretty much resolved. In February, something happened; I started taking an anti-anxiety medication (Atarax) for more consecutive days than before, and I started to sound deprive myself in the hopes of a spike receding. In just a week, my tinnitus became hyper-reactive, i.e. it fluctuated to all noise, big and small, but the fluctuations was always temporary, my hyperacusis also came back. The following months, I continued to sound deprive myself, wearing single or double protection literally 24 hours a day. In March I heard a loud noise(still had hearing protection) and from then on, everything as gone downhill and the fluctuations now had a tendency to be permanent. I'm still here, kicking around, but it's hard, as most everyday noise causes temporary and permanent increases.
After all that, I firmly believe the overuse of hearing protection made my ears more vulnerable as my hyperacusis increased and made me more susceptible to "shocks". Contrary to what many believes on this forum, in my experience, it does not take "weeks" or "months" of sound deprivation to cause lasting impressions to the auditory system; for some of us, this can happen in a matter of days.
Now, to my point; please, do not take the following reflections as definitive advice, just take it into consideration;
Do you have hyperacusis? Do you wear hearing protection all day?
One observation that I've made is that hyperacusis is definitely, at least for me, the culprit behind spikes to low level sounds, both temporary and permanent. I believe the writings of
@Michael Leigh is correct here. If I could resolve my hyperacusis, I would probably be able to live my life more freely again. As I've sat in hearing protection now for 5 months and never seen improvements in my hyperacusis, I'm beginning to suspect that the hearing protection is why I don't improve, and I have to wean myself off the hearing protection gradually. Now, of course, this creates a Catch 22; if we lower the hearing protection, our tinnitus may worsen, but I don't see any other way at solving this, so in the coming months I am going to try to enrich myself with sound and hopefully my state will improve. Wish me luck in that regard.
I fully acknowledge that not all advice is applicable to everyone as every case is different, and you may need to completely rest your ears in order to recover.
I wish you the speediest of recoveries,
Stacken