Member- Nov 6, 2017
- 177
- Tinnitus Since
- 26-9-2017
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Unknow possibly noise trauma
Hello everyone,
At first I want to make some excuses for my horrible englisch writing, i'm from the Netherlands.
At first, I'm 24 years old. About 9 weeks ago I developed some way horrible loud tinnitus. I could here it everywhere, and I mean everywhere. At onset in 1 sound in 1 ear, after one week in both ears multiple sounds. I was in a VERY dark place. Thoughts of suicide where overwhelming. One moment i just went out for random jogging. Just in an impelling i thought of killing myself by a passing train. 1 Second after that impelling, luckily, I thought about my beautiful wife, loving me. About my family, my parents, my brother who was to marry in 4 weeks, my dog (could sound stupid, but i wouldn't miss her, not even for 1 million), all my plans for living.
Lets say I have everything I could wish for (beside of silence). I was very happy with my life. Never experienced some suicidal thought or even depressing thought. Everything in my life went as it used to be. Did university in engineering, have a very good job, loving my wife and my life. And she loves me. The first weeks were very awful and I will never forgive my T for that.
At one point I had an conversation with my wife. I spoke to her, because i thought it was better for me, and for her to kill myself. I really thought that was the right thing. She knows how I was suffering, how i was not able to sleep, how depressed I was, all those things. I said she could not live a happy life with someone like me suffer so much from T. I said she better was with someone else who could make her happy like she deserves. I really wanted that because I love her so much. She started screaming and crying like I never seen before. She yelled at me saying "NOOOO NO NO. PLEASE do not do that. I would never forgive you doing that. I would never be able to live my life like i'm doing. I would never be able to be happy again. I don't want anybody else, I want u for the rest of my life. Please think about the children we could have in the future. Think about ALL those people who have it and said it will be better. Please think about it like the man u used to be. PLEASE." And I started crying. I started crying a lot. The last time I cried was when i was 10. I cried because I know how right she was. She was really right. At that point I really thought killing myself was the only way, so she literaly saved my life. I don't know where i would be if I didn't had her, really.
After we cried a lot together in our arms, i started speaking. I said everything in my life was perfect. She said no, everything IS perfect, beside of those horrible sounds. I thought about it for a moment and said, yes u are so right. My life hasn't changed. Nothing has changed, beside of those horrible sounds (intermittent morse code beeping right ear, intermittent loud hissing in right ear, tonal T in both ears, low humming/bass in right ear). We had a really good conversation together, she really said better things to me than my
psychologist did, I think. She buyed a 2 tickets that night for 3 days holiday. It was on an island not so far away from our living. U can go to the island with your car by a ferry. She said, when u kill your self i will go there and throw myself of the boat halfway trough. I will really do, so give it 4 weeks. Because I know her, I believed her.
The little succes story i want to tell about are the last 3 days. 4 Weeks ago i would never expected i would writing this right now. I was so anxious and aware of my T every second, literally. At friday we went to the island. I don't know why, but i really loved travelling all my life. For some reason I don't know, that felling came up to me at friday. I was feeling some luck. Happy to be able to go to the island with my loving wife.
We have done really enjoyable things. No big things, but lovely things. At friday we went to the restaurant for some food. Despite we went to restaurant before, for the first time I was experiencing some moments I wasn't aware of the T (like 10 seconds). It scared my literally. I literally thougt by myself; u weren't thinking about ur T. So I created the bad habit to scare when i realise i was not thinking about my T. Later that evening we shared a whirlpool together and I was really having fun for the first time in 8 weeks. I really enjoyed it, despite i could never really enjoy such things. I would rather do some nonsensical things on my phone than have some quality time with my wife, sadly. Later that night we watched The voice. Don't know if u know it over there, but it's about music. I watched the show, and enjoyed the music. I believe there was a minute i wasn't aware of my T. It literally scared me to death when I thought about it. I don't know why, maybe i'm obsessed. No, I am obsessed.
The last 2 days we did other things. Went shopping, eating, buying some stupid stuff, went to the beach, watched tv, museums, and lot of other things. I enjoyed it all. I really enjoyed it. My anxious level dropped tremendously. Lets say i always hear my T. Everywhere I want. I think if i go to a rock concert, i could still here my T beside of it. But for some reason I feels like when i'm not aware of it, it isn't that loud. Because when I think shit, i'm not aware of it, there is a moment ( let say 1 second) before the T kicks is as loud it used to bed. I'm realizing while typing this in silence, it doesn't really cause me anxious.
The last thing we did today on the island was going to a museum. It was about some giant ships in history of ther Netherlands and lots of other thing. I hated museums all my life but there was nothing left to do. It's an small island. For some reason this one was really interesting, we walked around for 3 hours watching everything. There moments (1 minute) i wasn't aware of my T. I expect u to laugh, saying 1 minute? 1 minute sounds so hopeless, but for me it was life changing. This weekend was really life changing for me.
From monitoring my T EVERY second in great fear, to have minutes where I wasn't aware of my T felt SO good. Right now I'm having the hope to extend those periods. I expect them to go from minutes to a couple of minutes and possibly to an hour. And when i become aware of it doesn't cause me fear.
I know there will be bad days coming. I really know that. But right now, i'm in a much much better place than i was 9 weeks ago. The best thing was when we went to the boat, I was thinking by myself, luckily u didn't kill your self, u could never had experienced this weekend enjoyings those things witch such a beautiful, lovely lady. We were waiting for the ferry and I started crying again after thinking that. I looked at my wife and saw the fear in her eyes. She said no. don't tell me that. I telled her about my thoughts, happy to spent the last days together. Enjoying those things, and beiing not aware of my T for some moments. She started crying too, hugged each other. Never felt love like that before in my life. Tears from love. It was really the best moment of my life. She said sometimes she saw the old me,
Before this holiday i spoke to her, i dont want to talk about tinnitus these days. I really don't want. She said, i think it's important to talk about when u're anxious. I said no. Please do not talk about that thing. I will tell u I had some bad moments, but she always talked about other things, so sometimes i could forger much more easily those bad moments, than when we are talking about it together. It felt like i was more focusing on enjoyable things.
Despite I need sleeping pills, to get some hours of sleep and those horrible sounds, i enjoyed this weekend. I really think i'm on my way back to enjoy my life again. I will give it some years. Thanks for al those loving words when i needed it the most.
Bless u all.
At first I want to make some excuses for my horrible englisch writing, i'm from the Netherlands.
At first, I'm 24 years old. About 9 weeks ago I developed some way horrible loud tinnitus. I could here it everywhere, and I mean everywhere. At onset in 1 sound in 1 ear, after one week in both ears multiple sounds. I was in a VERY dark place. Thoughts of suicide where overwhelming. One moment i just went out for random jogging. Just in an impelling i thought of killing myself by a passing train. 1 Second after that impelling, luckily, I thought about my beautiful wife, loving me. About my family, my parents, my brother who was to marry in 4 weeks, my dog (could sound stupid, but i wouldn't miss her, not even for 1 million), all my plans for living.
Lets say I have everything I could wish for (beside of silence). I was very happy with my life. Never experienced some suicidal thought or even depressing thought. Everything in my life went as it used to be. Did university in engineering, have a very good job, loving my wife and my life. And she loves me. The first weeks were very awful and I will never forgive my T for that.
At one point I had an conversation with my wife. I spoke to her, because i thought it was better for me, and for her to kill myself. I really thought that was the right thing. She knows how I was suffering, how i was not able to sleep, how depressed I was, all those things. I said she could not live a happy life with someone like me suffer so much from T. I said she better was with someone else who could make her happy like she deserves. I really wanted that because I love her so much. She started screaming and crying like I never seen before. She yelled at me saying "NOOOO NO NO. PLEASE do not do that. I would never forgive you doing that. I would never be able to live my life like i'm doing. I would never be able to be happy again. I don't want anybody else, I want u for the rest of my life. Please think about the children we could have in the future. Think about ALL those people who have it and said it will be better. Please think about it like the man u used to be. PLEASE." And I started crying. I started crying a lot. The last time I cried was when i was 10. I cried because I know how right she was. She was really right. At that point I really thought killing myself was the only way, so she literaly saved my life. I don't know where i would be if I didn't had her, really.
After we cried a lot together in our arms, i started speaking. I said everything in my life was perfect. She said no, everything IS perfect, beside of those horrible sounds. I thought about it for a moment and said, yes u are so right. My life hasn't changed. Nothing has changed, beside of those horrible sounds (intermittent morse code beeping right ear, intermittent loud hissing in right ear, tonal T in both ears, low humming/bass in right ear). We had a really good conversation together, she really said better things to me than my
psychologist did, I think. She buyed a 2 tickets that night for 3 days holiday. It was on an island not so far away from our living. U can go to the island with your car by a ferry. She said, when u kill your self i will go there and throw myself of the boat halfway trough. I will really do, so give it 4 weeks. Because I know her, I believed her.
The little succes story i want to tell about are the last 3 days. 4 Weeks ago i would never expected i would writing this right now. I was so anxious and aware of my T every second, literally. At friday we went to the island. I don't know why, but i really loved travelling all my life. For some reason I don't know, that felling came up to me at friday. I was feeling some luck. Happy to be able to go to the island with my loving wife.
We have done really enjoyable things. No big things, but lovely things. At friday we went to the restaurant for some food. Despite we went to restaurant before, for the first time I was experiencing some moments I wasn't aware of the T (like 10 seconds). It scared my literally. I literally thougt by myself; u weren't thinking about ur T. So I created the bad habit to scare when i realise i was not thinking about my T. Later that evening we shared a whirlpool together and I was really having fun for the first time in 8 weeks. I really enjoyed it, despite i could never really enjoy such things. I would rather do some nonsensical things on my phone than have some quality time with my wife, sadly. Later that night we watched The voice. Don't know if u know it over there, but it's about music. I watched the show, and enjoyed the music. I believe there was a minute i wasn't aware of my T. It literally scared me to death when I thought about it. I don't know why, maybe i'm obsessed. No, I am obsessed.
The last 2 days we did other things. Went shopping, eating, buying some stupid stuff, went to the beach, watched tv, museums, and lot of other things. I enjoyed it all. I really enjoyed it. My anxious level dropped tremendously. Lets say i always hear my T. Everywhere I want. I think if i go to a rock concert, i could still here my T beside of it. But for some reason I feels like when i'm not aware of it, it isn't that loud. Because when I think shit, i'm not aware of it, there is a moment ( let say 1 second) before the T kicks is as loud it used to bed. I'm realizing while typing this in silence, it doesn't really cause me anxious.
The last thing we did today on the island was going to a museum. It was about some giant ships in history of ther Netherlands and lots of other thing. I hated museums all my life but there was nothing left to do. It's an small island. For some reason this one was really interesting, we walked around for 3 hours watching everything. There moments (1 minute) i wasn't aware of my T. I expect u to laugh, saying 1 minute? 1 minute sounds so hopeless, but for me it was life changing. This weekend was really life changing for me.
From monitoring my T EVERY second in great fear, to have minutes where I wasn't aware of my T felt SO good. Right now I'm having the hope to extend those periods. I expect them to go from minutes to a couple of minutes and possibly to an hour. And when i become aware of it doesn't cause me fear.
I know there will be bad days coming. I really know that. But right now, i'm in a much much better place than i was 9 weeks ago. The best thing was when we went to the boat, I was thinking by myself, luckily u didn't kill your self, u could never had experienced this weekend enjoyings those things witch such a beautiful, lovely lady. We were waiting for the ferry and I started crying again after thinking that. I looked at my wife and saw the fear in her eyes. She said no. don't tell me that. I telled her about my thoughts, happy to spent the last days together. Enjoying those things, and beiing not aware of my T for some moments. She started crying too, hugged each other. Never felt love like that before in my life. Tears from love. It was really the best moment of my life. She said sometimes she saw the old me,
Before this holiday i spoke to her, i dont want to talk about tinnitus these days. I really don't want. She said, i think it's important to talk about when u're anxious. I said no. Please do not talk about that thing. I will tell u I had some bad moments, but she always talked about other things, so sometimes i could forger much more easily those bad moments, than when we are talking about it together. It felt like i was more focusing on enjoyable things.
Despite I need sleeping pills, to get some hours of sleep and those horrible sounds, i enjoyed this weekend. I really think i'm on my way back to enjoy my life again. I will give it some years. Thanks for al those loving words when i needed it the most.
Bless u all.
. That's not the only thing I want to let you know. I think it took some 15 minutes, I can't remember I thought about my tinnitus once. Now if that's an improvement 
. This week I drank some wine with my girlfriend. It didn't a fuck to my tinnitus, maybe a bit but we enjoyed a great evening. 
Director
