Well That’s It I’m Going to Die

[Karl28]

This might be a bit of an upsetting post but I need to vent a bit.

My tinnitus has once again gotten worse.

It now sounds like a loud alarm going off in my left ear instead of a constant ring.

I've been struggling so much the past year and I've had many increases with new noises but this is just too much now.

Mild easy tinnitus since 2001 when I was 15. Worse since 2016. Terrible since 2018.

I just can't do this anymore. I haven't worked since the end of 2015 and there's no way I'll ever get my life back on track as long as my tinnitus is terrible and keeps getting worse on top of worse.

I spend an unhealthy amount of time reading about suicide, deaths in the news, watching videos on reddit and chatting with other suicidal people in the dark corners of the internet. I'm pretty resourceful and even managed to acquire the drug elderly people take for a peaceful death in some countries.

I just feel like it's hollowing me out. I never had many hobbies to begin with. Just video games and tv but I stopped games a year ago since I couldn't focus or get immersed in them anymore and now I can't even watch tv.

I have such a loving and caring family and it tears me up inside seeing them so helpless and sad for me.

I reckon I'll give this another week to see if this new crap settles down or not.

 

[sjtinguy]

Hi, please seek some professional help if at all possible. Your loving and caring family will be devastated if they lose you.

 

[Pero1234]

Reach out to friends or family asap.

People that love you... just talking to them might get you through a few more days until you can make it to a professional for support.

The boss monster gets bigger when you're facing it alone... reduce its hit points by being in the company of loved ones!

Good luck!

 

[glynis]

Please see your doctor or out of hours doctor or emergency care and ring mental health...

 

[Dana]

Do anything that can distract you. Louder tinnitus may be from a change in your brain listening to your previous tinnitus.
You thought too much about it.
Do not stay inside anymore, go outside and your brain will put again on the front burner the external sounds and on a back burner the tinnitus.
There was no more damage to your auditory system to increase your tinnitus, just an involuntary shift in the brain's focus.

Wouldn't be a real pity to end your life over something that can be changed? Your life deserves every effort to save it. The tinnitus can change and you must try everything to do that.

The more i stay inside, the louder it gets, the more i get ouside, the lower it gets.

You had/have such dark thoughts, and those dark thoughts changed the chemistry of the brain and caused louder tinnitus.

I tell you from my own experience: when i think about solving a problem, and the time comes to think about the worst case scenario, which is necessary when analysing all aspects of a problem, an alarm goes off in my head.
I am telling you in all honesty, a single negative/pessimistic thought triggered the alarm, tinnitus exploded the moment i had that thought. It happend to me so many times, my tinnitus to go through the roof immediately after a negative though, that the possibility of a "coincidence" is ZERO.
Negative thoughts, especially thoughts that are scaring you, cause spiking the tinnitus.

There are people who got tinnitus just because they almost lost their lives, and while they were having those thoughts regarding death that seemed to them imminent, their tinnitus started.

Or they were people who lost a dear one, and those death thoughts caused in their brain tinnitus to emerge. So no hearing loss, no noise exposure, acoustic trauma, nothing damaging the ears, but death related thougths caused the tinnitus.

I think you must engage in outdoor activities, even if you are not attracted to them right now. Your life deserves this compromise. If you became introverted, you must do anything to make your brain to focus on the outside sounds, by doing activities that force your auditory system to go from the insode, to the outside.

Tv is not enough of a stimulant to do that. I can watch tv without paying attention to it.
Do something that requires your undivided attention, something that cannot be done without giving it you full attention. Play pool, for example. No, you may not have the drive to win and you wouod continue your inner thoughts. Climb a mountain, or think of something that needs your 100% attention, not your 99% of your attention. Do things that do not let you have death related or tinnitus related thoughts while doing them.

I think you can save yourself.
The only question is :" Do you really want to?"
I am afraid you took a decision in that respect.
One you will take the decision to do anything to save your life, you will save your life.

As a resourceful guy, you used that quality to arrange the ending of your life. Use the same quality to find ways to continue it. With an hour, with 10 hours, with a week, etc.

 

[vermillion]

In your thread the member @Dana has replied to you. She is a person i respect and she is suffering tremendously by very loud tinnitus. Please read her words. Give things time. Stay connected and speak with people that also have it bad and have managed/still managing to cope. Lately there has been interesting movement in the research field, especially with Suzanne Shore in Michigan University. We are here for you.

 

[SugarMagnolia]

I have such a loving and caring family and it tears me up inside seeing them so helpless and sad for me.

If someone in your family was hurting badly, wouldn't you want them to come to you for comfort and support? Let them do that for you. Let them help you. They may be helpless to make your T go away, but they are not helpless to comfort you in your time of need.

 

[john paul]

please dont do that. think of your family. There is a good chance that in time it will calm down again. Hold in there suicide is a not the answer.

 

[Holly1987]

Karl I wish I could have a conversation with you in person so I could express how much I understand your pain, I know so deeply how you feel right now and I promise you it will get better. Please stay strong.

Around 4 months ago I hit rock bottom, I sat on my bedroom floor with my little dog lily and wept. I decided in that moment once Lily died I would follow, I really didn't think I could go on. I have a loving partner and family and like you felt so sad they had to watch me suffer.

The only thing that helped me was to distract myself. Whenever I started to feel helpless I put on my shoes and walked outside, often for many hours. Long drives were also helpful. I really encourage you to give it a go. It's no miracle cure and I'm still struggling but long walks pulled me out of that really dark place (any outdoor activity will do) keep busy!

I hope you're doing ok today. Please stay strong and hold on xxxx