It's past 04:30 in the morning as I write this post - yet another sleepless night. It's been many of them since I got T in June. No sleep is my average these days.
I was sitting up watching a movie called Jackie Brown (Quentin Tarantino/1997) that had a lot of retro soul music in it, my type of music. Then I suddenly got very depressed and sad, like a carpet of sadness fell down on me. This T condition creates a lot of emotional response and I felt sad because the music reminded me of better times, a period in my life where I had bought new speakers and used music to cope with the daily problems in my life - I remember how I felt about my problems back then and sitting here now they seem all so small compared to dealing with T. I know I shouldn't wander down the days before my T road, but I must admit it is difficult not to think of better times.
It also made me think that the main problem for me isn't necessary the fact that I hear a constant loud sound now, but rather that I battle the eternity aspect of it, I think I could cope with this if I knew I would have it for 7 years, but for the rest of my life? Now that's a tall order. In my better periods I think that no one knows how long I will have it etc. I couldn't produce any of those positive feelings tonight. I'm a grown up guy and I have battled some serious things during my life, but nothing gets me down more than thinking I will have T for the rest of my life, so that's why I shouldn't think like that, but I am only human. My face were all wet from tears during that movie and when I shut the TV off I was just staring into the dark. Yes, I broke all the rules and felt sorry for myself. I guess it was impossible to fight.
Thinking positive is the only way to go but sometimes I also need to let out some steam, after all the brain is producing fear and depression as part of living as well. These past weeks have been an emotional roller coaster and a lot of times I think it would be better to have a life threatening decease, at least then I could get to hear doctors say "we will fight this thing with this treatment and that usually kills the virus" etc. I would give so much to get that definitive hope instead of the eternal fear perspective. Some would probably say that I'm ungrateful to be alive. Others would perhaps relate to my kind of response. Feel free to share your thoughts on this.
I was sitting up watching a movie called Jackie Brown (Quentin Tarantino/1997) that had a lot of retro soul music in it, my type of music. Then I suddenly got very depressed and sad, like a carpet of sadness fell down on me. This T condition creates a lot of emotional response and I felt sad because the music reminded me of better times, a period in my life where I had bought new speakers and used music to cope with the daily problems in my life - I remember how I felt about my problems back then and sitting here now they seem all so small compared to dealing with T. I know I shouldn't wander down the days before my T road, but I must admit it is difficult not to think of better times.
It also made me think that the main problem for me isn't necessary the fact that I hear a constant loud sound now, but rather that I battle the eternity aspect of it, I think I could cope with this if I knew I would have it for 7 years, but for the rest of my life? Now that's a tall order. In my better periods I think that no one knows how long I will have it etc. I couldn't produce any of those positive feelings tonight. I'm a grown up guy and I have battled some serious things during my life, but nothing gets me down more than thinking I will have T for the rest of my life, so that's why I shouldn't think like that, but I am only human. My face were all wet from tears during that movie and when I shut the TV off I was just staring into the dark. Yes, I broke all the rules and felt sorry for myself. I guess it was impossible to fight.
Which battles do YOU fight? What do you find the hardest? Would be interesting to see what you all are dealing with mentally in your world of T. Sometimes it puzzles me that individuals can react so different to experiences in life. Some people can cope so better than others, so the mental aspects are obviously crucial when dealing with serious blows in life. I just saw a news report about a 61 year old guy that lost both his legs all the way up to his waist because a post truck ran over him, he was sitting there in his hospital bed giving an interview and all he could say to the reporter was that he never felt any anger towards the driver that hit him and that living without legs would be quite okay, much because his way of looking at life was so positive. He added that he didn't feel any pain so it was okay. I thought "well, he is past his youth and he probably has a lot of support from his family and I don't have anyone." I must admit I played with those feelings but what also struck my mind was how different we are in context of dealing with setbacks in life. What would that guy say if he got severe tinnitus? What would be his survive strategy?
Thinking positive is the only way to go but sometimes I also need to let out some steam, after all the brain is producing fear and depression as part of living as well. These past weeks have been an emotional roller coaster and a lot of times I think it would be better to have a life threatening decease, at least then I could get to hear doctors say "we will fight this thing with this treatment and that usually kills the virus" etc. I would give so much to get that definitive hope instead of the eternal fear perspective. Some would probably say that I'm ungrateful to be alive. Others would perhaps relate to my kind of response. Feel free to share your thoughts on this.
Member
