12 Months

[Mettafort]

A year this week, I went deaf and developed tinnitus and hyperacusis. I am still deaf, and I still have a very loud sound inside my head - flips between a dentist drill and the screeching of metal train wheels breaking in the Ogilvie train station here in Chicago. I also experience pain which has more than once been so intense I have vomitted; two weeks ago I spent 7 hours in the emergency room for this exact reason....

Yet every.single.day. the sun rises for me and I get to choose how I decide to show up, and how I decide to let whatever trials and tribulations come my way affect who I am and how I move through this world as an agent of the human experience. I am doing well....really well.

I had a blip late last year, and for the first time I **allowed** myself to ruminate on the lack of hearing, on the pain, on the suffering, on the inability to listen to music the way I once was and love...and that was a white-knuckle ride to hell in a hand basket. I reminder too of the decisions I made in the first month I lost my hearing, that for me at least, the solution was about how I respond to this situation; nothing else.
I know everybody has their own journey, and I have no judgements at all for any choices people make to arrive at relief and perhaps even just taking the next breath. This is not an easy condition.

Psychology and meditation I believe is what allowed me to habituate very quickly, and life has been pretty amazing even with this problem. Life is completely different for sure, yet I spend my time looking for the gold in what is right now; no ruminating about what was lost, no thinking about the negative aspects of the experience.

So 12 months on, I am grateful I got through this. And I am grateful I was fortunate enough or lucky enough to realize my mind was going to be my enemy or my ally with this condition, and made a committment to focus on how I respond and show up. And it has helped enourmously. I live a "normal" life now. When I get woken up at 3:20am and the loudness of my T will not me fall back asleep, I get out of bed and focus on how getting up early gives me an edge, how much I can do before I even get on the train to work; I can go to bed early tonight, no big deal; I can take a nap tomorrow. I got to work out, meditate, read some inspiration material, and then crush some key important items for the day, before 5am.

I wish everybody here, from those who are to struggling, to those who reached "the other side" and stand on the shores of coping and living a normal life, the very best out of life even with this experience. This website was very helpful and I am forever debted to the people that helped and encouraged.
Metta,

MF

 

[Apolonia]

Do you wear hearing aids?

 

[Mettafort]

No. Because I have sensor-neural hearing loss, I would need a cochlear implant, and I was advised that I would need to implant the other ear as well, since the sound is completely different. So I chose not to. The alternative was to have two hearing aids, with the aid on the left (my deaf side) sending sound to my right ear. I didnt opt for that approach either.

 

[Jason37]

Wow...These stories make me feel bad about my whining. But it also gives me a sense of strength and hope. How did you lose your hearing?

 

[jay777]

@Mettafort hi could you describe your sound as a dentist drill cutting glass?

 

[Mettafort]

@Jason37 Hi. Dont feel bad. I whined too. I was just very lucky to be doing a Tony Robbins coaching program at the time I lost my hearing, and was able to get coached on how my psychology would save me. It is possible my outcome could have been very different had I not been so lucky.

 

[Mettafort]

@jay777 Hi; ha that is actually a very accurate description actually.

 

[Jason37]

If you don't mind me asking how did your hearing loss occur?

 

[vermillion]

@Mettafort it's been a while. I honestly had been wondering various times how had you been. Should have just threw a pm, i guess. Anyway, i am really happy to hear from you. Always strong.

 

[Mettafort]

@vermillion ! Nice to hear from you sir. I went dark, not because of struggles but because for me I found I would gravitate to the darker side of this forum which wasnt good for my psyche.

I hope things are good with you sir. How are you doing?

 

[Mettafort]

If you don't mind me asking how did your hearing loss occur?

I went to bed on a Friday night with a headache in my neck - on the left side. Felt like a stress headache. I woke up at 2am with the room spinning like it has never done so before - it was a weird experience and I immediately felt like I was going to be sick. From 2am Saturday till Monday morning, I couldnt move without vomiting. I spent the whole weekend laying on my side, watching tv unable to move. I had noticed my hearing wasnt so good, but the nausea was so bad I couldnt move or think about anything...I regret that piece actually - I should have gone to the emergency room immediately. Once the vomiting had left on Monday, I still had balance issues and just didnt feel right.

I ended up getting admitted to hospital for a few days for suspected heart attack (!). That and a stroke were ruled out. My doctors went through every prognosis, arriving at menieres. I began to believe what the doctors were saying, but spoke to a few people with menieres and realized my experience was not like theirs. Thats what got me thinking a little deeper about everything, and led me to discover that I most likely lost my hearing due to the cold sore virus. Instead of an outbreak around the liabilis, the virus went down the wrong pathway and I had an "outbreak" around my ear. To be clear, none of the original doctors agree. But I did meet a virus specialist who absolutely agreed and told me it is more common than one might think.

So today I believe I lost my hearing, with the resultant T+H, from a cold sore.

 

[vermillion]

@vermillion ! Nice to hear from you sir. I went dark, not because of struggles but because for me I found I would gravitate to the darker side of this forum which wasnt good for my psyche.

I hope things are good with you sir. How are you doing?

I still can cope. Life is not the same. The condition hasn't improved. Still worried and frightened, but stronger then one year before. Sometimes it gets me really down. Thank you for asking.

 

[Mettafort]

@vermillion Thank you for sharing. Stay strong man. Part of this process I believe is the difficult process of grieving the death of life that once was before the condition started. And one thing I have realized over these past 12 months is this - we are stronger than we could ever imagine; its our minds that cause us to tap out well before the rest of us is even close. And I know I am just a regular guy too, so I know you then have far more of a chance of getting to that place where you are no longer affected by this.

Hang in there. Question the thoughts that come up that result in the worry and fear....that helped me enormously. And I do also appreciate we are all unique and different and have our own journeys. I sincerely wish you well, and that the final worries eventually fall away for you.

 

[CsaulNol]

Hello my friend, so you didn't experience T/H before have hearing loss ? Was that just the outcome?

 

[Mettafort]

@CsaulNol Hi. No. I had no tinnitus - ironically good, intact stereo hearing even after so many nights clubbing as a youngster, and DJing.

 

[dpdx]

Jesus Christ! How terrible.

 

[Apolonia]

@Jason37 Hi. Dont feel bad. I whined too. I was just very lucky to be doing a Tony Robbins coaching program at the time I lost my hearing, and was able to get coached on how my psychology would save me. It is possible my outcome could have been very different had I not been so lucky.

I just have to ask you how do you manage life after going deaf? I mean how do you communicate with people? Did you have to learn sign language? How do you answer the phone? For me, tinnitus is not the issue, it is losing hearing. I mean, the inability to communicate is dreadful to me. Especially because I study languages i really hope they will manage to find something for hearing...