Hi all. As of writing this I am horrified for my future but it feels like the people around me don't recognize how vulnerable of a place I am in. I have already struggled with chronic health conditions and depression/anxiety for years, but only as of the last couple of months I've finally gotten to a good place. Great job I love, incredible partner, living in my favorite city on earth and doing the things I love.
On April 1, I went to a ranch where my Dad and brother were staying for a hunt. They are avid hunters, but I am not - I just went to spend time with family after a long two years of not seeing them due to distance and COVID-19. I always use hearing protection, and was sure to bring it in case of gunfire. But at one point we were walking outside, and someone to my right unexpectedly saw a critter of some sort in the woods and thought it necessary enough to fire their AR-15 (I know - why does anyone even have those anyway) right next to my ear. I was able to block my right ear with my finger but as I was holding something in my left I wasn't able to protect my left ear.
This resulted in immediate acoustic trauma - ringing, fullness, pressure, and temporary hearing loss - in my left ear. I knew it was bad but had no idea how bad it would get. Almost week out, I now have loud ringing 24/7, intermittent fullness that worsens with sound exposure, distortion (high pitched tones are suddenly popping out of things that used to sound totally normal), and hyperacusis (everything sounds like the volume is cranked up). Not to mention the panic and delirium. I feel like my life has been taken from me in an instant. I can't eat and can already feel my relationship with my partner struggling because I need so much support and it's compromising our healthy boundaries.
I know it's naive to simply ask for affirmation that it's going to go away and get better because it might not. But how do I keep from giving up. I already crawled up from the brink of suicide and now I feel closer to it than ever. I have a few Valium pills from previous panic episodes, and they do help the anxiety, but I can't live on them as I know benzo withdrawal is its own animal. I am lost for words and am just trying to see a path forward for myself.
On April 1, I went to a ranch where my Dad and brother were staying for a hunt. They are avid hunters, but I am not - I just went to spend time with family after a long two years of not seeing them due to distance and COVID-19. I always use hearing protection, and was sure to bring it in case of gunfire. But at one point we were walking outside, and someone to my right unexpectedly saw a critter of some sort in the woods and thought it necessary enough to fire their AR-15 (I know - why does anyone even have those anyway) right next to my ear. I was able to block my right ear with my finger but as I was holding something in my left I wasn't able to protect my left ear.
This resulted in immediate acoustic trauma - ringing, fullness, pressure, and temporary hearing loss - in my left ear. I knew it was bad but had no idea how bad it would get. Almost week out, I now have loud ringing 24/7, intermittent fullness that worsens with sound exposure, distortion (high pitched tones are suddenly popping out of things that used to sound totally normal), and hyperacusis (everything sounds like the volume is cranked up). Not to mention the panic and delirium. I feel like my life has been taken from me in an instant. I can't eat and can already feel my relationship with my partner struggling because I need so much support and it's compromising our healthy boundaries.
I know it's naive to simply ask for affirmation that it's going to go away and get better because it might not. But how do I keep from giving up. I already crawled up from the brink of suicide and now I feel closer to it than ever. I have a few Valium pills from previous panic episodes, and they do help the anxiety, but I can't live on them as I know benzo withdrawal is its own animal. I am lost for words and am just trying to see a path forward for myself.