Any Kind of Hope?

[kmohoruk]

I hope you're right. I'm still doing it behind their backs. I'm going to get my last check and drive off someplace. Maybe California for the day. Leave in the morning and come back late at night. I'll lie and say it's a sleepover. I'll buy a ton of snacks and maybe go to Arizona and go hiking in antelope canyon or hike up a mountain down the street. Idk. I just can't stay like this.

If you need some space to think this over then that's not a bad thing (as long as you're safe!). But I would talk with your parents sooner rather than later (once you are feeling a bit better and a bit more collected). The sooner that you can talk with them, the sooner you can hopefully help them understand the mental stress that you are going through in regards to your T.

 

[glynis]

@katri,
I have just read your post and I can see you have a lot going on,emotionally and anxiety and tinnitus and the unknown future.
You need to slow down and go at your own pace and maybe have a relaxing chat with your parents then doctor and maybe some counselling .
Time is a great healer and sometimes we need to take time to re focus and get some extra support in place and have a proper talk with family and lots of hugs.
love glynis

 

[glynis]

@katri,
Have a nice talk with your doctor ,Hormones might be playing a big part in how you are feeling around the time of your period from about 10 days before and can spike tinnitus .
love glynis

 

[Emperor-Drax]

They aren't bad people but they don't allow time for tears or self pity. No one suffering from depression and pain wants to be told to "toughen up". They don't understand and I don't expect them to. How do you tell a retired disabled veteran (my dad), an autistic guy with dyslexia (my brother), and a diabetic who grew up in poverty that you're having a rough time?

I don't mean to sound rough or anything. It's just late and I'm sleep deprived. My parents don't believe in medicating yourself that much so I've got to find a way to fall out tonight before I have to go to the doctors, skip an important speech, and then quit my job.

Ugh, the age-old American "bootstrap" mentality.

 

[another sean]

Hi @katri,

I've been going through similar issues about dealing with things alone, not getting the support I need irl and even being told if I ended up on the street, no one would take me in. It puts real pressure on oneself and you can sit there and rack your brain over and over on what to do, how to fix this, how to get out of this mess. I had a night like that tonight. And I know it can be hard to stop thinking about it all and its mentally exhausting. So what helped me was a nice dose of Magnesium. It just calmed my nerves, my mind, my anxiety and allowed me to center myself and think clearly and then to not think so much as well so I could relax. Methods and techniques and advice can only go so far and sometimes we need to correct any deficiencies we are having naturally. They impact us more than we know. There are so many safe options out there and it can really help to get thru the hard times. Like all day I was worrying about stuff that hasn't happened, figuring out how I can survive on the streets, or how many people I could ask to stay with scoring them 1 -10 based on how loud they will say the word "no". Then I got some mag, and now I just wanna Netflix and chill with my cat. Give it a try if you can.

 

[katri]

Not feeling any better. I'm in the deepest darkest depression that is imaginable. I just want to feel better.

 

[coffee_girl]

I wasn't going to post this, but this article has really helped me through my experience with noise trauma, even though it is about cancer, it is still an inspiring article and might help those trying to habituate.


https://hbr.org/2018/10/the-most-powerful-lesson-my-cancer-taught-me-about-life-and-work

 

[katri]

It got worse and idk what to do. Where is God? I'm being kicked out during the shittiest time in my life. This tinnitus is severe and my ear aches are shit. I'm in so much pain and there doesn't seem like an ending to any of it.

 

[Red]

I wasn't going to post this, but this article has really helped me through my experience with noise trauma, even though it is about cancer, it is still an inspiring article and might help those trying to habituate.


https://hbr.org/2018/10/the-most-powerful-lesson-my-cancer-taught-me-about-life-and-work

I can contribute this.

A ted talk from a game enthusiast/developer who got a really, really bad concussion and how she got through months of being restricted from using her mind.

 

[fishbone]

I firmly believe that HOPE is a great word, it gives us something to look forward to. Possibly beating our afflictions and overcoming our mountains. This is all very much POSSIBLE. In order for hope to possibly become a reality, we need to take action. We need to have, that non-stop drive to take massive action. We need to be driven.

We need to devise the plan and follow it. Life is a PROCESS, everything in it require some sort of action that we must take. Even if we take massive actions at times, things may not go our way 100%, but we can get closer. On the other hand, without massive action and that drive, hope and the promise may not come either.....

 

[glynis]

@katri,
Give mental health a call or the Samaritans as they are a great support for anxiety and depression .

You will get through this and climb back out of this depression and be stronger for it.
Talking therapy really helps so don't suffer alone and medication also.

Keep reaching out to us...we understand and care about you..
love glynis

 

[kmohoruk]

I wasn't going to post this, but this article has really helped me through my experience with noise trauma, even though it is about cancer, it is still an inspiring article and might help those trying to habituate.


https://hbr.org/2018/10/the-most-powerful-lesson-my-cancer-taught-me-about-life-and-work

Thank you very much @coffee_girl for posting this, I can definitely see a bit of myself in this article and how I try and make sense of the circumstances that I have gone through over the past 4 years with my T and H. It's a very inspiring article!

 

[katri]

I drove out ready to jump off of a cliff in the canyons next to my house. I was crying so hard they almost didn't let me in for a moment. I drove through the canyons just trying to talk it out with myself. I parked and I kept crying. There were too many people there that I didn't want to ruin their lives by seeing me. I drove around some more just crying (don't know how I didn't at least drive off a cliff). I wanted to call someone so badly but no one was available due to the connection. I decided to leave. I was still crying while driving down the streets. I felt dead inside and it showed. No one would pick up. I tried calling a suicide hotline twice and they only ever put me on hold. I wound up at a church. Crying in the parking lot.....HARD. I decided to go inside but the doors were locked, by some miracle I figured out they had a doorbell. This guy named Aaron greeted me and let me feel welcome. I don't want to die. I know that. We sat down in his office and we just talked and talked. I went in the office shaking and crying and I left calm and collected. I can't explain it because the feeling lasted for nearly an hour. Just calm. I'm not as calm anymore but he invited me to come back at anytime. I was wailing to God and I somehow found him.

How did I storm out of the house, pay to get into a canyon, cry through the mountains without rails, cry through the busy streets of Vegas, and then wind up at a Baptist Church? I have no idea. I'm in a deep hole and I'm trying my best to get out.

 

[fishbone]

Addressing the depression/anxiety at early stages is a must. For me, it's always been about talking it out. Opening up about my conflicts/afflictions. Some folks, do not like to open up and talk things out.

Talking to someone, gaining some comfort from one on one communication can really go far in life. Depression can be addressed via counseling, exercise, meds. I really wish the best for all that face it. It likes to lurk around for me at times, but I will not let negativity afflict me......

Bless

 

[katri]

Addressing the depression/anxiety at early stages is a must. For me, it's always been about talking it out. Opening up about my conflicts/afflictions. Some folks, do not like to open up and talk things out.

Talking to someone, gaining some comfort from one on one communication can really go far in life. Depression can be addressed via counseling, exercise, meds. I really wish the best for all that face it. It likes to lurk around for me at times, but I will not let negativity afflict me......

Bless

That's good for you. I'm just so sick and down all the time. Hope and love and God just doesn't feel like enough anymore. It really doesn't feel like it. My spirit and heart feels so disturbed. It's been a month and it's only gotten worse just worse and worse. Can't even go to work without fucking up.

 

[fishbone]

That's good for you. I'm just so sick and down all the time. Hope and love and God just doesn't feel like enough anymore. It really doesn't feel like it. My spirit and heart feels so disturbed. It's been a month and it's only gotten worse just worse and worse. Can't even go to work without fucking up.

I understand your frustration, I really do. Please don't let my posts, make it seem that my life is a piece of cake, because it is not. I am haunted, with so many afflictions daily. Everything that I say in my posts that is supposed to help people, I use them myself all the time. I do not want to list my demons in this thread, you can read my thousands of posts and see what I have faced and how I dealt with them.

Afflictions will come around all the time, it's how YOU re-act to them that makes the difference. I am a student of the game and it has taught me how to play it. You are a young gal, I know how you feel. I was a young lad myself at one time and know the feeling.

I wish you the best....

 

[Zeneth]

I'm not just saying this to make you feel better, there will be a cure one day, and definitely in our lifetime. We just have to wait unfortunately. Several ways to regenerate cochlear hair cells have been found, it's just about administering it and making sure the drugs are safe etc.

For the time being, if you want to, you can try taking some chelated zinc (if you're a little deficient) and or circumin. Circumin is completely non-toxic and safe, a few people have found relief with it lately and its a new topic.

 

[katri]

So my parents beat the shit out of me yesterday after I told them I wanted to commit suicide. I was laid out on the fucking floor. They said it's all in my head and if I miss school or work again then they'll beat the crap out of me. No God would let this happen. They acted like everything was normal when my brother came home from work. Today my dad took me to grab something to eat and yelled at me the whole time telling me that he didn't care how badly my ears hurt or how loud my t is and that it is all in my head. The doctor says that my ears are fine, so then I should be one too. They just curse me out and beat the shit out of me and have the audacity to tell me that they love me. They won't leave anything to me in their will but they still love me. I'm acting crazy like my grandma but they still love me. They say that I'm wasting all of their hard work because I'm at a place where I'm ahead of everyone else. I'm a smart girl that's sweet and caring and capable of doing anything but I'm wasting it all. I'm so tired. My God doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel like he's in my heart or anything.

 

[Manny]

So my parents beat the shit out of me yesterday after I told them I wanted to commit suicide. I was laid out on the fucking floor. They said it's all in my head and if I miss school or work again then they'll beat the crap out of me. No God would let this happen. They acted like everything was normal when my brother came home from work. Today my dad took me to grab something to eat and yelled at me the whole time telling me that he didn't care how badly my ears hurt or how loud my t is and that it is all in my head. The doctor says that my ears are fine, so then I should be one too. They just curse me out and beat the shit out of me and have the audacity to tell me that they love me.

Oh my God. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Having T is already bad enough!! Being hit and abused is completely unacceptable and you don't deserve it one iota. If it's ok for me to ask is it possible for you to move out of the house, perhaps for college or something?

 

[katri]

Oh my God. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Having T is already bad enough!! Being hit and abused is completely unacceptable and you don't deserve it one iota. If it's ok for me to ask is it possible for you to move out of the house, perhaps for college or something?

Yea they are trying to put me in college already. I'm just not comfortable away from home. I love my parents with all my heart and I know that they love me too. They're probably just scared because mental illness runs deep in our family. It's all heart breaking.

 

[robHing]

Today my dad took me to grab something to eat and yelled at me the whole time telling me that he didn't care how badly my ears hurt or how loud my t is and that it is all in my head.

That is really cruel to a T person by yelling.
They don't know our ears are abnormal especially T with hyperacusis.
Your dad needs to be re-educated about tinnitus and hyperacusis !

 

[Jazzer]

Oh Katri - I am so so sorry sweetheart.
Everybody deserves to be loved and cared for, and when we suffer with this wretched thing, so much more so.
I can hardly bear to imagine what you must be going through.
Everybody on this website will want to hold you, and love you better.
I know that it is a virtual hug - but believe me, it is genuine and heartfelt.
Do you have any close caring friends or relatives that you can turn to Katri?
Please stay in touch with the lovely people on here.
We will all be worrying about you, and caring for you.
Take care, and hold on tight.
I never experienced a loving feeling from my parents, but 'love is where you find it.'
You may need to look elsewhere for some crucial love and support babe.
You will be on my mind - no question.
Dave x
Jazzer

 

[Manny]

Yea they are trying to put me in college already. I'm just not comfortable away from home. I love my parents with all my heart and I know that they love me too. They're probably just scared because mental illness runs deep in our family. It's all heart breaking.

Wow, I hear you. I think I understand what you are saying. That is really a very big deal. Life can be so incredibly hard.
This does not solve your problems but please know that you can always come to this site for support if you like. There are many wonderful people here.

 

[katri]

Oh Katri - I am so so sorry sweetheart.
Everybody deserves to be loved and cared for, and when we suffer with this wretched thing, so much more so.
I can hardly bear to imagine what you must be going through.
Everybody on this website will want to hold you, and love you better.
I know that it is a virtual hug - but believe me, it is genuine and heartfelt.
Do you have any close caring friends or relatives that you can turn to Katri?
Please stay in touch with the lovely people on here.
We will all be worrying about you, and caring for you.
Take care, and hold on tight.
I never experienced a loving feeling from my parents, but 'love is where you find it.'
You may need to look elsewhere for some crucial love and support babe.
You will be on my mind - no question.
Dave x
Jazzer

I have my Nana but she works a lot. Besides I signed a contract with my mom and I promised her that I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. I hate breaking promises. I don't see me breaking this one until it's really all too much.

 

[Jazzer]

I have my Nana but she works a lot. Besides I signed a contract with my mom and I promised her that I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. I hate breaking promises. I don't see me breaking this one until it's really all too much.

Katri - if your nana is a lovely lady, if she is the right person, I would go to her and quite honestly cry to her for help.
She may be able to liaise with your parents.

When I was trying to get over my childhood neglect, I was carrying so much pain and unbelievable sadness around with me.
Nobody seemed to see it - nobody knew it - I went around pretending to be normal - happy even.
Inside 'I was literallly dying of a broken heart.'
In my opinion you need to
find someone
go to someone
cry to someone.
I needed to sob to someone.
In my case it was a therapist.

With love and kindness I believe you will get better babe.
xx

 

[Red]

Hey @katri . To retread here, I realize no one has asked about how your T got so much worse. Looking through your older threads, you seemed very at peace with your T and even gave out great advice to your fellow sufferers. That is why I'm concerned about this sudden shift. Just what exactly set off this sudden shift in your tinnitus? And with you talking about earache and pain...leads me to believe you've developed hyperacusis.

 

[marc 1974 london]

I firmly believe that HOPE is a great word, it gives us something to look forward to. Possibly beating our afflictions and overcoming our mountains. This is all very much POSSIBLE. In order for hope to possibly become a reality, we need to take action. We need to have, that non-stop drive to take massive action. We need to be driven.

We need to devise the plan and follow it. Life is a PROCESS, everything in it require some sort of action that we must take. Even if we take massive actions at times, things may not go our way 100%, but we can get closer. On the other hand, without massive action and that drive, hope and the promise may not come either.....

Love it....

 

[fishbone]

I have my Nana but she works a lot. Besides I signed a contract with my mom and I promised her that I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. I hate breaking promises. I don't see me breaking this one until it's really all too much.

Um....If you are hurting yourself and I was your parent, I'd do more than have you just sign a contract. You are at a very fragile age. Your identity is not clear to you and you are going through many changes that come quick. I highly suggest that you talk with a counselor and try to find a path in life. Your case is nothing out of the ordinary, but you do need help and lots of guiding......

 

[Redocooking]

I don't know if you're getting enough sleep, but, getting at least 1 hour of exercise is worth trying.

Hell, do 3 hours of pure unadulterated exercise, even if your legs hurt when you jog, walk. Since you have achieved something that has undoubtedly improved your health, you'll feel better unconsciously. Then you'll most likely pass out and get 8 hours of sleep, and trust me, getting those sweet 8 hours will drastically improve your mood.