Borderline Personality Disorder Makes Habituation Impossible

[Contrast]

https://www.borderline-personality-...lity-disorder-research/new-insights-into-the-
borderline-personality-brain/

I have borderline personality disorder a mental disorder with extremely unstable emotions and clingy personality
as well autism and ADHD. Life was crap before tinnitus but good music gave me the motivation to move on. Until I thought it would be a good idea to indulge in moronic internet memes characterized by " extremely loud noises" as the joke and gutting my hearing in a month's period not even noticing it like a complete moron until my ears starting ringing. Now I have permanent damage in my inner ear and am constantly reminding of my stupid mistake creating this PTSD effect everytime I hear my tinnitus or get a spike.

Before my tinnitus I had a part time job for the past four years and had plans to start classes in 2018 and took test to prove I have normal intelligence, my life was picking up for the FIRST time in five years. It was an escape from my depression! I was finally going to fit in with society and have a real life and good friends.

Then hearing loss, tinnitus and hyperacusis pretty much just killed my desire to be a functioning member of society because no amount of hard work will bring back my favorite music, or give me the peace of silence or stop ear pain.

There is no longer any reward to to being a functioning member of society with vile noises in my head 24/7. Basically I was on thin ice mental health wise before tinnitus but I had a very positive personality to fight it, but my mental toughness collapsed once I realized there was no cure.

From what I observe most people here have tinnitus much louder then I do, Even though my tinnitus is fluxuating from 20-35 decibel range at it's worst. So feel free to criticize me for having "mild tinnitus" and "mild hearing loss" and being a complete oversensitive about it.

The four years of working, successful test and applying for classes is now making it very difficult for me to apply for SS or any government benefits.

Pretty much I still want to go to school and hold a part time job if I can but the Government has a unfavorable system in place where it rewards disabled people for doing absolutely nothing and takes away disability if you are in school or working a small part time job. So I guess I'm still holding onto visions for the future but without disability I'm pretty much screwed and won't bother fighting a losing battle.

Let's move on to my thoughts and criticism's of Tinnitus Retraining Therapy and Pawel Jasterboff himself

Jasterboffs (the creator of tinnitus retraining therapy)'s entire model is based on retraining the limbic system to regulate emotions, yet people with borderline have a broken limbic system to begin with. Plus non mentally disabled people should also be very upset knowing this con is given higher priority in the field of tinnitus and hearing loss research then actual research for a cure. It's self hypnosis essentially. The Limbic system is designed to respond in fear to these unholy head/ear noises. Desensitizing the limbic system is the same thing as constantly exposing yourself to shocking images on the internet to the point where they no longer bother you, Or growing up in a war torn 3rd world nation where violence is so common people are desensitizing too it! It's self deceit by the very definition.

Jasterboff model

Jasterboff also assumes everyone with tinnitus can self hypnotize themselve, he also assumes everyone has a function happy go lucky limbic system, non autistic, non borderline, non adhd ridden brain such as myself.

Basically TRT advice is discrimination towards mentally ill people and self hypnozation for non disabled.

We live in a society where showing emotions is frowned upon and that mental toughness is a virtue instead of a choice
If someone is mentally tough and can cope with tinnitus that's awesome but not everyone has the same ability. Everyone's brain is different and i'm totally okay with being an over sensitive crybaby about it. Pretty much complaining
for a cure for hearing loss and tinnitus will get better attention then praising Jasterboff.

Borderline brain changes in the limbic system

We'll I'm kind of hopeless bound to live off disability for the rest of my life unless there is real breakthroughs for hearing loss and inner ear conditions.

in the mean time I'm going to do the things I love and lose touch with reality

Things I enjoy like making memes, graphic art, using Linux, watching cartoons and going outside to see really cool animals and help protect my states natural resources because nature rules. I also enjoy martial arts a lot but haven't done that in a while but that ruled too! Also MPP (but that falls into the memes category) Those things make me happy and I don't think tinnitus or my mental health issues should keep me from trying to enjoy the things I love. I'm still aiming to going to school and getting a part time job hopefully because I do have some hope for treatment in the future via Frequency Therapeutics and Susan Shores device. To conclude my rant I'd like to say tinnitus and hearing loss sufferers should show extreme appreciate towards the men and women of science racing to solve our problems. That's honestly the only reason I am still a live.

if you actually took the time to read all of this and I welcome disagreement

 

[fishbone]

Never give up. I can imagine the HELL you live in. You are always on our minds and we hope that you do find that peace that you seek

PS- Life is a struggle, it's never easy. I lost both parents 4-5 years ago and day in and day out I support myself and try to motivate myself. Depression sets in for me a lot and I have to force myself to go out at times (even when I don't feel like it) and see that the world/life can still be beautiful. I really wish you the best of luck in your life and dreams

 

[emmalee]

@Contrast

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post, thanks for sharing your story. You have an uphill struggle, this is the truth, but I honestly feel that you have the strength to face it.

Sorry, no disagreements from me. I like you too much to argue with you. Stay strong.

 

[glynis]

@Contrast ,
I would get a letter off your doctor and consultants,ENT,
Audiology etc to make a file of what you have being diagnosed with and then write a detiled letter of what help you need to help improve your life and what you would love to be able to do .
Get help from Mental health or adivice to help you and put it in your file.
Find out what you can claim for but backed up with medical letters.
Then contact disability for help as everyone has a righ to work regarding of disability and provide support maybe transport also.
See if you Qualify for a bus pass,train pass and push for what you need to help you get on in life and help your confidence and look after your mental health feeling you can achieve what you want with help and support.
Let Mental health know how tinnitus makes you feel with your personality problem etc.
Hope this helps.
Maybe look into working a few hours voluntary with RSPCA or Animal welfare or Cat rescue or dogs home etc just for you as can see you love animals or a pet shop.
Love glynis

 

[Ed209]

@Contrast, you have a lot to deal with and I have nothing but admiration for you. Every day must be a real struggle but you still managed to pull some positives out the bag. You like making memes, graphic art, cartoons etc, so maybe you could turn your hobbies into more? Have you ever tried to animate your own cartoon? South Park was started on a shoe string and is now world famous. I'm not saying you should follow in their footsteps, but a good online style following might give you great pleasure, and give you a focus. If not that then maybe work at selling some graphic art or something? One thing I was told by a student of mine and it's very true: we all need a purpose and if you feel you haven't got one then create one. Nothing feeds the mind better than self-accomplishment and fulfilment. Don't let your disabilities hold you back.

 

[glynis]

@Contrast ,
Maybe look into asking your school if you could look into doing a school paper or look into a drama group to work with stage graphics ...
Love glynis

 

[Contrast]

@Contrast ,
maybe look into asking school if you could look into doing a school paper or look into a drama group to work with stage graphics ...
Love glynis

I can discuss more about what I was planning to going to school for in a private PM I don't want to put to much info about myself publicly. But it's ashame my life is virtually shot looking at it from a rational point of view. Not to mention my family is super unsupportive, against me getting mental health and thinks I'm a nut.

 

[glynis]

Do they understand about tinnitus ?
Maybe get them look on here with you.
Welcome pm me anytime and I will reply when I can..
Love glynis

 

[glynis]

I'm off to bed now as need get up early to get some stitches removed .
bye for now .
Take care.

 

[Nanny chocolate]

Night night Glynis
@glynis
Thank you again for all your support.
Eve x

 

[SugarMagnolia]

in the mean time I'm going to do the things I love and lose touch with reality

Reality is overrated. Do the things you love. Lose yourself in art and nature and who knows, maybe you'll find something that you never even thought possible.

 

[Daniel95]

What a very well constructed and informative post. I just wanted to say that, even though I may not be diagnosed with mental health problems, I can relate to getting smashed by the ''health problem hammer'' right at the turning point of my life.

I, like you, finally got the drive to up and change my life, was due to restart college after dropping out due to some other health issues, just to be smacked in the face by tinnitus. I understand the despair that comes from being unable to pursue the goals you've set for yourself, and at such a young age as well. That's probably the biggest factor for me. The uncertainty about future and loss of my plans.

But, I'm fighting hard to stay positive-thinking and draw inspiration from some of the people on TT. And, I think you can too. You're clearly intelligent and you said you had a positive personality before T. Well maybe, as you say, you aren't suited to learn to live with it (I won't say habituation as that seems to have a cult-following here, as if it were some sort of holy grail), but you could try just ''surviving'' until some treatment is found.

The research right now, compared to before, is more than promising. And, as bleak as it might look at the moment, the future might not be this pain-riddled, screeching, T-filled life, but a path to happiness that you hadn't even thought of before.

Well, personally, I can't ask more of myself than just surviving at the moment, so I'm keeping it at that. And I'm finding that, as time goes on, this ''survival'' is slowly turning into hopes and dreams. I don't see why this should not apply to you as well.

You've beaten your demons before. They took on a new form now, but who's to say you can't beat them again?

 

[Hazel]

I have to say it was a pleasure to read your personal story @Contrast . It's nice to see a different side of you. More of that and less arguing please.

I don't think tinnitus or my mental health issues should keep me from trying to enjoy the things I love. I'm still aiming to going to school and getting a part time job hopefully because I do have some hope for treatment in the future via Frequency Therapeutics and Susan Shores device.

Good for you! Don't give up your plans for the future, keep trying.

 

[Contrast]

Let's really hope Frequency Therapeutics makes it

Also I may be delusional thinking that regenerating cochlear hair cells will cure tinnitus,
hearing loss by acoustic trauma also includes synapses, nerve fibers, pathways in the brain which Frequency will not be repairing.

Not to mention the fun fact that tinnitus only starts out in the audiotory brain then after several months spreads to other unrelated regions of the brain as completely separate processes, meaning even if hearing loss is reversed the tinnitus signal is an independent process in the brain. So now I understand why researchers are suggesting but still inconclusive about chronic tinnitus being cured by reversing hearing loss.

So basically if curing hearing loss doesn't cure tinnitus then tinnitus may actually be incurable for the next 300 years

 

[autobot]

@Contrast

I suffer too from BPD and tinnitus. for me meds and supplements really helped reducing emotional sensitivity, and with it sensitivity to tinnitus and some level of habituation.

Hope you'll find some good solutions and feel better.

 

[IAmCalifornia]

@Contrast

I suffer too from BPD and tinnitus. for me meds and supplements really helped reducing emotional sensitivity, and with it sensitivity to tinnitus and some level of habituation.

Hope you'll find some good solutions and feel better.

Which supplements

 

[Manny]

@Contrast. I am similar to this in several ways. And I too am - let's just say - totally and completely screwed over without music.

You have my genuine admiration. Your openness and honesty is really something.

 

[Audiophile_bg]

@Contrast. I am similar to this in several ways. And I too am - let's just say - totally and completely screwed over without music.

You have my genuine admiration. Your openness and honesty is really something.

@Manny, I'm also obsessed with music, and I felt my life was destroyed when I got the tinnitus.... I will post in your topic about music lovers.

@Contrast, i also have mental illness and the tinnitus hasn't made things easier. Sending you positive energy.

 

[autobot]

@IAmCalifornia

Supplements: Magnesium mostly. i also take omega-3 and folic acid, so maybe they're somehow related.

 

[Jazzer]

@Contrast - I am so so sorry for all that you are going through my friend.
What a hateful situation.
Just such a crying shame.

It would be very hypocritical of me if I did not add that I also feel so sorry for every single one of us that is suffering with these wretched conditions, including myself.
Life is not meant to be this way - is not normally this way - suffering continuously, minute after wretched minute is so wrong.
But that seems to be where we are.

I have heard members actually say that we should never feel sorry for ourselves?
Well - how the hell does that work?
We are not made of wood.
We feel - we bloodywell hurt - we register crushing disappointment - we recognise that the things we dreamt of are falling away from us.
We are bound to feel sad at our situation.

Yes, I know we mustn't stay that way, if we are ever to achieve anything again; we have to find some way of working through this shitty predicament.
I personally do not relish the idea of being just a stoical suffering bloody martyr.

I have read a great deal of psychology in my time, particularly with regard to recovery, when I was trying to recover and make sense of a distraught childhood.
Many concepts helped me.
One in particular:
'When the child inside of you hurts - reach down inside you - stroke the head of this child inside you - look into his eyes - and tell him that everything will be okay - that you will make it - together.'
It amounts to being kind to ourselves, accepting ourselves, without blame.

Some people may see this as mumbo-jumbo.
I see it as a piece of pure magic.

I do have one relaxation /meditation method that I practice daily that does help me cope with my noise.
I am reluctant to just put it out here.
I would hate to suggest anything that might go against the grain, so to speak.
If you are interested I can pm it to you.

Very best wishes Contrast,

Dave x

 

[Agrajag364]

Let's really hope Frequency Therapeutics makes it

Also I may be delusional thinking that regenerating cochlear hair cells will cure tinnitus,
hearing loss by acoustic trauma also includes synapses, nerve fibers, pathways in the brain which Frequency will not be repairing.

Not to mention the fun fact that tinnitus only starts out in the audiotory brain then after several months spreads to other unrelated regions of the brain as completely separate processes, meaning even if hearing loss is reversed the tinnitus signal is an independent process in the brain. So now I understand why researchers are suggesting but still inconclusive about chronic tinnitus being cured by reversing hearing loss.

So basically if curing hearing loss doesn't cure tinnitus then tinnitus may actually be incurable for the next 300 years

Ah is that why when tinnitus goes it often seems to be in the first few months? – Do you have a reference for that?

I concur that the post above is admirably honest and eloquent. I am sorry your family are not sympathetic and I really hope things get better for you.