Boyfriend's Tinnitus Is Killing Our Relationship

[RaZaH]

What would make me happy is

A break

between

Sentences so I can read some of

what you all are writing.

 

[dboy]

I think we all have different expectations and desires of relationships. This is what leads to much of the great drama and heartache of our lives, as well as the interesting discussion here.

For what it is worth... my wife and I have had a bumpy road. It was never the most passionate relationship and there have been times when we each felt like maybe it would be better to end it: like maybe what we had was a 'half life'. We have often failed to connect in the most worrying ways, and we have each gone through periods of dissatisfaction with the other. But we always basically liked who each other was... saw quite clearly that the other was kind and honest underneath the nonsense. And we never betrayed that, even during periods that each of us became unhappy. Over the years we became best friends. She is now easily the best friend I ever had, and when I've been at the bottom she has been an absolute rock, whether I deserved it or not. I'll never forget the support she has given me when I needed it. Now we are in our forties, each year that goes by I see more deeply what a beautiful soul she has, and seeing her be a mother is the closest I ever got to witnessing the divine (of course, it is simply nature working her magic ).

I think there are an infinite number of things we can mean when we talk about love. These things don't lend themselves to easy description, and from laziness/justifiable perplexity we lump them under that one word. Some kinds of love do seem to erase problems. The kind I have definitely does not. But, oddly perhaps, I would not swap it. Even though it is possible we would both have found greater fulfilment with somebody else, we definitely have something real and valuable that is uniquely ours.

 

[linearb]

She is now easily the best friend I ever had, and when I've been at the bottom she has been an absolute rock, whether I deserved it or not. I'll never forget the support she has given me when I needed it. Now we are in our forties, each year that goes by I see more deeply what a beautiful soul she has, and seeing her be a mother is the closest I ever got to witnessing the divine (of course, it is simply nature working her magic ).

My wife and I have not had children yet -- we're in our early 30's.... but even so, your post resonates with me. We have been together for more than 10 years now. Last weekend, we had an experience together which caused me to simply reflect to her, "I know who you are; you are my friend and my companion; I love you".

I don't know what my life would be like without her in it, and I don't want to find out.

My tinnitus isn't something she bargained for. She has her own audio issues, too. So, I guess our relationship has been tested by "in sickness and in health" at an earlier age than a lot of people. On the other hand, one of my best friends, who was our age, died of cancer two years ago. There are no guarantees in life.

Every day that I get to spend with her, is a blessing, and I shouldn't forget that so often as I do.

 

[dboy]

Last weekend, we had an experience together which caused me to simply reflect to her, "I know who you are; you are my friend and my companion; I love you".

Yes, this describes it well for me. My wife and I are definitely not intuitively right for each other, but the experiences we've shared have bound us in a way that for whatever reason never happened in past relationships that seemed to make more sense. But that didn't happen overnight. It happened 'cos whatever stupid arguments and drunken idiocy occurred in the early days (I'm cringing when I think about it) we never really let each other down and we never really stopped being open to each other. I'd say that seems to be the thing that got us through. And now I'm a daft old f*** up (instead of a young one) I'm really glad, 'cos she's just bloody wonderful in ways I never would have seen otherwise.

 

[pactribe]

if you stay with someone long enough, your relationship is going to be affected by serious illness and death. That's how it works.

If you don't want to deal with watching someone get very sick and die or suffer severe functional impairment, you probably don't want to be in a long-term relationship with that person.

This.

 

[linearb]

Yes, this describes it well for me. My wife and I are definitely not intuitively right for each other, but the experiences we've shared have bound us in a way that for whatever reason never happened in past relationships that seemed to make more sense. But that didn't happen overnight. It happened 'cos whatever stupid arguments and drunken idiocy occurred in the early days (I'm cringing when I think about it) we never really let each other down and we never really stopped being open to each other. I'd say that seems to be the thing that got us through. And now I'm a daft old f*** up (instead of a young one) I'm really glad, 'cos she's just bloody wonderful in ways I never would have seen otherwise.

Yeah, this is what I've just started to figure out over the past couple years. We're committed to each other, hopefully neither of us is going anywhere anytime soon, and so we're going to watch each other age and not be young and vital and sexy like we were when we met. But, the things I have learned about life, and myself, through our relationship to date, are more significant and more important to me than anything else I've learned anywhere.

And, I mean, I can't overstate what she does for me, really. She's willing to up and move across the country to just about anywhere I want to go, for no reason other than she wants to be with me and wants to see me happy, and if living in a quieter and prettier place seems like it might help me handle my stress (and tinnitus) better, then she's willing to do it.