Career in Music — Now Hearing Loss & Tinnitus — How to Cope

[Jason C]

When this first happened I noticed music had a rattle like a broken speaker attached too it and also T would rise up and down reacting too the music. That thankfully has calmed down a lot and music sounds almost normal. I went too see a show on Boxing night and I thought I would be fine but no, it was really loud although I was the only one who thought it was loud. I had plugs with me but the day after the show I noticed my hearing had dropped a lot in the left ear (t is mostly in the left ear for me) and t was a lot louder, the ringing was louder the pinging sounds where louder and it stayed this way pretty much until this morning. My hearing in the left ear is still lower than it was before the show.
I didn't know anything about steroids or acoustic trauma when this started so although I knew the alarm would wreck my hearing I didn't understand exactly what that might mean. Initially I though I was ok, I could still hear although my left ear felt full and was ringing but I had hoped that it would just go away. A month later I went on holiday and tried not too think about the ringing and I did a pretty good job, it didn't bother me much and I pretty much felt ok although the plane did seem a lot louder than I was used too but of course I didnt realise I actually had hyperacusis a that point.
When I got back from holiday at the end of July that is when I realised this was not just going away. I think my balance was affected as the vestibular system can also be damage by loud noise so the hair cells that control balance have obviously been affected too, I'm not dizzy but it feels like more sway and I can also feel it when laying down and I raise an arm or turn over quickly.
It's a pretty shit state of affairs. Not being able to just go too the cinema when I fancy seeing a movie or not going too a bar as it's too loud and of course I was really looking forward too going too see guns n roses next year but obviously that can't happen now. So many parties and nights out can't happen now, even my cars are too loud. So yea I know what you mean it's impossible too accept being broken, sometimes I feel like I have had a stroke and it was all because of this damn alarm.
Every day I replay the events over and over and over you would think I would have gotten bored of doing that by now 7 months later and moved on or accepted it but nope it still feels like it's only just happened, I dont know what happened too the rest of the year, time just turned into a blur after the 29th May.

I keep saying things like "what if that alarm just didnt go off"
"Why did I go near it in the first place" it's something I wouldnt usually do, very out of character.

I have no answers, just tons of regret and self hate. I miss my old life and I really didnt realise how much I enjoyed music. At least it sounds better now but I don't dare turn it up!!
Watching Robbie Williams on stage last night on TV imaging how much fun it would be too be there but it would be too loud for me now. I had never really given too much though about how sound works or how music is made before this but now I seem to have found a new interest although it is all wasted on
Me with my damaged hearing but seeing Robbie Williams on stage with the in ear monitors that also reduce noise the monitors on stage and all the bits that make up a concert I would never have noticed before. You obviously understand all of that inside and out. Very interesting I wish now that I had understood a lot more about it all sooner and maybe I wouldn't have landed in this situation.

 

[RandomAccess10]

I feel self hate too, it's hard to deal with, I guess sometimes you don't know what you're walking into. In my case, taking antidepressant, but then excessive smoking causing poisoning? I know ppl who chain smoke, but now I know it was the combination with the antidepressants...a double assualt of ototoxicity combined with severe stress, i wasnt even a smoker before the nightmare of being forced to take drugs, depression kills...Then stupidly oxygen therapy to finish the job despite every doctor I spoke to saying it wouldn't cause harm...like a minefield and I've walked on one after the other.
I too have switched smoke alarms off without thinking, never suffered damage, we do things on impulse and the horrific thing is the permancy of it, I'd much rather have lost both legs and an arm, in fact add money to thar too! I'd trade even a knowing I only had 10 years to live.
I miss my hearing, it's something I've never thought about, and never would have related to antidepressant use. I knew the side effects were bad, but how can that even be legal?

Totally agree about knowledge, I read everything too and am an expert on those neurological issues I'm having, doesn't solve them tho, also try and pretend I had a stroke or car accident or something, just anything to make it seem more palatable and commonplace, ppl I know in a coma etc.

I get enjoyment out of driving still, that's about all i enjoy atm tho...

 

[serendipity1996]

The self-hatred aspect of it all really does suck. However, in the past few months, I have found myself faring substantially better than I was. I've had tinnitus for the past four-five years or so without any problems but around 6 months ago I started to experience hyperacusis/distortion/all those other nasty hearing damage symptoms which basically led to a suicidal meltdown. Seriously, I was not coping at all, was barely functioning in everyday life, dropped out of a year abroad, and spent some time in a psychiatric ward. My thinking was basically consumed with thoughts of 'oh my god my life is over, there's no point anymore'.

However, since I was prescribed Mirtazapine (Remeron) my mood has been generally a lot more positive. Also, the damage symptoms have lessened significantly. And that's only a few months on...so I would say time is a huge factor. Yeah, I can't really go to clubs anymore or loud bars which does admittedly suck but in the grand scheme of things it's not a huuuuge deal. I'm only 20 which in a way is a blessing and a curse when you're stuck with this issue. I know it's so easy to be cynical and pessimistic and I am in no way as knowledgeable as some of the posters on this board, but I truly do believe that this is an exciting time for hearing loss research. As sufferers, it does seem like research is moving painstakingly and frustratingly slowly but when you take a step back and look at what has been accomplished in the past decade I think we have reason to be optimistic. I think it was about 30 years ago that scientists first discovered birds could regenerate hearing, significant process has been made since then...another 30 years from now and who knows? I don't think it's totally unrealistic to imagine that by then there will be some effective treatments available.

Sometimes I do let my worries fester because 'hearing only gets worse with age' but I try to keep things in perspective. I know my hearing is 'damaged' to some degree at the moment but overall it is still very very reasonable. Yes, hearing will get worse with age but it's not like I'll suddenly wake up with half my hearing gone. Anyway, I'm hopeful that so long as I protect my ears from now on everything will be okay. Sorry for the essay haha

 

[SilverSpiral]

Sometimes I do let my worries fester because 'hearing only gets worse with age' but I try to keep things in perspective. I know my hearing is 'damaged' to some degree at the moment but overall it is still very very reasonable. Yes, hearing will get worse with age but it's not like I'll suddenly wake up with half my hearing gone. Anyway, I'm hopeful that so long as I protect my ears from now on everything will be okay. Sorry for the essay haha

Ironically there are some on this forum that report exactly that happening, but it's something different than noise induced hearing loss. I think it's what they call SSHL?

 

[serendipity1996]

Ironically there are some on this forum that report exactly that happening, but it's something different than noise induced hearing loss. I think it's what they call SSHL?

For sure. I should have clarified, I meant in terms of noise induced damage.

 

[bill 112]

I too suffer the same agonising thoughts as both of you,it consumes me every second of every single day and there's simply nothing I can do about it.

Just so much regret,bad moves and straight out misfortune in my case,I just simply can't believe how things turned out for me,that my life in essence is completely and truly over.

I've been hospitalised twice this year alone for full on mental breakdowns,only a few weeks ago I had what you call a"manic psychotic nervous breakdown"where I was found sitting in my room staring at the wall saying the same thing over and over again and threatening to kill myself.I have no memory of any of it.

I just sit in my room and think of all the things that led me to where I am now,constantly fantasising about going back in time which I know will never happen.

I have nothing left,everything that once brought me joy is now a torture device,how long I can hold out is anyone's guess....

 

[GregCA]

Ironically there are some on this forum that report exactly that happening, but it's something different than noise induced hearing loss. I think it's what they call SSHL?

SSNHL - Sudden SensoriNeural Hearing Loss - it does happen quite more often than you'd think. There's a reasonable natural recovery rate, but you can increase your odds with steroids (if done fairly quickly). Obviously everyone wants to increase their odds so that's the recommended course of action.

 

[RandomAccess10]

I can't even begin to know how to cope, music was 90% of my life, there's no movement in life without music, sometimes I find distraction works, bt then it's 90% of my skills and knowledge and experience dying withering away. And noone understands, they can't see it. The balance issue i have is impossible too, mybeyes my eyes won't stay still and that's debilitating to say the least, I was an audio electronics designer, musician and lecturer, and now can barely look after myself, still haven't had the guts to kill myself tho everyday it feels like it's on the to-do list...
I have mirtazapene, I'm scared it'll increase my T even more, is it any help?, also I noticed the Prednisone did increase the T....
I know these are dark thoughts and each to their own, but I sometimes think let me be overwhelmed enough to actually just do it, but fear always wins, how I got into such a terrible state is beyond belief, it just doesn't happen in real life yet it happened to us

 

[MrBonk]

Recruitment and the other stuff like some frequencies sounding louder can probably fade with time. I know when I first had mine, sharp transient silibant sounds were very painful. Sometimes still are, especially very very loud ones.


But it has gotten better, and like you. Music and Audio were a huge part of my life, I was working on a project the day before mine started. Wasn't even anything intensive, nor loud.
I woke up the next morning, anxious as hell out of nowhere. I thought I might have heard some ringing, wasn't very noticeable. I go to work, anxiety fades. I feel normal, except my sinuses were going haywire after spending 20-30minutes in a -15+ walk in freezer. Throat hurt,post nasal drip like crazy. I noticed on my way home, my ears had an intense burning sensation. When I got home and was listening to something in bed, I noticed what felt like a gap in my hearing. I don't think it was a gap, but the Tinnitus.

I still felt like I could hear just fine, until I took Azithromycin that is. (Which my mother recommended I ask for to prevent an infection, and me being stupid not knowing what it was and I didn't even have an infection. Have never had one ever.)On the last or second to last day or so of the treatment being in my system, I had two huge bouts of fleeting T along with fullness and pressure. After it was over, I noticed the hearing in my right ear had dropped in the high frequencies. Like a band in the 7-10 range was just gone or greatly diminished. I could tell immediately. Several days later the same happened in my left ear and my hearing felt like the two had equalized. But both felt diminished and duller sounding. After I finally got into see my normal PCP instead of Urgent Care (Who are a bunch of clowns), he prescribed me Cephalexin. I didn't think I wanted to take it, didn't think I could swallow capsules that big. But I did, and at the tail end of that, without the Fleeting T the issues with my right ear flared up again and my right ear high frequencies sounded like they were missing compared to my left. And that's where my lingering issues have been since.

Most of that seemed like it turned out to be conductive, as my middle ears and sinus still feel fucked up. I eventually equalized the pressure in my ears by popping them constantly. Ear pressure was normal when I went to AL after 4 months of waiting. Still feel like I have to constantly pop my ears a lot of the time. When I swallow my right ear still makes big cracking/popping sound often. And there is slight asymmetry at 8khz, 3-5dB difference from left ear.

I could drone on for eternity. But my hearing and ears have greatly improved since May, just that 8khz issue remains that makes listening to audio through stereo reproduction equipment sound biased left. My right ear still feels really messed up a lot, aches often and trying to use my formerly very acute critical listening skills results in quick fatigue and acheness. My sinuses are equally fucked, I often have a difficult time speaking clearly because of it. I wake up and I get in the shower and it feels like I am drowning in my own saliva , like a leaking faucet in reverse. Still waiting to get into the ENT in Feb (It took 9 god damn months, my PCP wouldn't refer me when I first went to see him)


I want to think all of my issues have stemmed from a possible head trauma injury 2-3 weeks prior to all of this madness starting. Crashed an ATV, ate it on the right side, thing went sideways, I hit my head on the ground as it drug me along pinned underneath for 10-20 feet. Immediately after,head felt kind of groggy, walked away with just a leg injury that spontaneously healed soon after my Sinus and Ear issues started. After being very painful those few weeks leading up.

I often have felt like my days with Audio and Music are over. I have spent half my life training myself and now I feel like it might be over.

I can deal with the T as it has gotten a lot better. Invisible 90% of the time. But the hearing loss, however so slight because of the asymmetry was what has driven me to my lowest of the low.

 

[Sam Bridge]

Thats funny @MrBonk. My right ear has some mild loss but i never notice it when watching tv/listening to music/normal everyday things.

 

[CDNThailand]

Yeah Prednisone has some nasty side effects. It's what got me into this mess because I had an infection and its an immunosuppressant. I guess the doctor didn't see the infection..... He didn't even ask me if I had been sick or something I just said I got T out of the blue and he prescribed it... Soon after new T tones, H and distortions... Great...

Apparently laser helps the natural recovery by sending the energy contained in the light to the cochlea (I'm no expert). Some studies found out that it helped compared to placebo, other not. Apparently the method plays a big role in the efficency as its difficult to make the light reach the cochlea.

Do you think the predsinone or the infection gave you new tones?

 

[devilinthedust]

"Life's most beautiful thing" is life itself. I can certainly understand how you feel. When I first got this dreaded condition I packed up all my guitars, all my stereo equipment, cd's, everything. I wanted no part of the life I had lived to that point. I was mad and angry, and I wanted to die every day. In fact I told my wife and my family that I would not live to see Christmas that year. (My injury happened December 13 of that year). I was done. My life was over and I was somehow strangely at peace with it, but a funny thing happened. Somewhere between wanting to die and carrying through with it, I read a book called "90 minutes in Heaven" (yes it is a religious book, but it's also about a man's incredible courage in the face of a life changing accident. I would suggest that anybody get a copy and read it, if only for the uplifting tone of the book) As I read the book I begin to focus not so much on what I had lost, but on the things I could still do. It helped me greatly. Sometimes you need help to refocus your life. Today I still have the tinnitus and I still have trouble listening to music, playing etc, but it's better than it was, and I know it's going to get better. The trick is to not give up hope. Life is more than just being able to rip off a great solo, sometimes you just have to sit back and simply be apart of the band. There's beauty in life. Sometimes you just have to look at it from the proper perspective.