Desperate... How Can I Live with This? :'(

[smith]

Hello again

I'm so desperate I just don't know what to do or where to turn. Brief circs; developed tinnitus 18th Jan out of nowhere whilst 36 wks pregnant. Admitted to hospital and slept few hours due with temazepam as couldn't cope with it ... my precious baby delivered by emergency c section at 37 and a half weeks. Came home few days later.

My life is over ... 5 wks and my head/ears still ringing. I love my baby so much but I can't stop crying as to why my happiness has been robbed from me. I obsess all day long about this, wonder what I've done to deserve it and search for hope online constantly.

I can't care for my baby at night due to being on mirtazapine. I panic constantly my tinnitus is getting worse and my nerves are shot. I upped my dose of mirtazapine 3 days ago as need the anti depressant effect and I feel the worst ever.

Family and friends tell me to stay positive and that it will go - the longer it goes on i have lost hope of it going.

I was once a glamorous, hard working and independent woman (had anxiety issues at times) and am now a wreck who just exists.

My partner is off work for two weeks after tomm but after that I have to try and do everything.
We bought a fabulous house last year in readiness for starting a family. I was so excited to finish work for a year - I had so many ideas of what I was going to do. After finishing work for a week I was afflicted.

I don't know what to do .... I feel like I'm being pushed into a corner with only one way out :,(

I don't know whether mirtazapine is making this worse. I don't know whether it's the drug or my anxiety getting worse making the tinnitus worse.

Don't know what to do! If I stop taking it I won't sleep ... is it likely that I will feel worse on the 30mg dose before I feel better?

I need to be on an anti depressant but if I try another I will panick about that too ....

Wishing everyone well.

 

[Melissa101]

Hi, I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a rough time. From your post it doesn't sound like you have hearing damage - could your T be anxiety-induced? I'm a long-term GAD sufferer and tinnitus is one of my symptoms. It comes and goes with spikes in my anxiety, I don't have any hearing loss or damage to my ears. I think it's really important to have your ears checked out, but if everything comes back ok, can you get access to talking therapy and/or CBT for your anxiety?

I've tried lots of SSRI's and they didn't help me (but have friends that have benefitted, I'm not anti-meds in any way). Several months of repeated talking therapy, gentle exercise and relaxation seems to be the only thing that gets me out of it. Be positive, LOTS of anxiety sufferers get T and for the overwhelming majority it fades away when they address the root cause of their problems and recondition their minds and bodies to relax. You just have so much going on at the moment that I bet you never get the opportunity feel calm. There can also be a lag between the anxiety subsiding and the T going away. There are lots of supportive anxiety forums such as www.nomorepanic.co.uk which may be of interest. Hope you get some relief soon x

 

[JasonP]

Hello again
I'm so desperate I just don't know what to do or where to turn. Brief circs; developed tinnitus 18th Jan out of nowhere whilst 36 wks pregnant. Admitted to hospital and slept few hours due with temazepam as couldn't cope with it ... my precious baby delivered by emergency c section at 37 and a half weeks. Came home few days later.
My life is over ... 5 wks and my head/ears still ringing. I love my baby so much but I can't stop crying as to why my happiness has been robbed from me. I obsess all day long about this, wonder what I've done to deserve it and search for hope online constantly.
I can't care for my baby at night due to being on mirtazapine. I panic constantly my tinnitus is getting worse and my nerves are shot. I upped my dose of mirtazapine 3 days ago as need the anti depressant effect and I feel the worst ever.
Family and friends tell me to stay positive and that it will go - the longer it goes on i have lost hope of it going.
I was once a glamorous, hard working and independent woman (had anxiety issues at times) and am now a wreck who just exists.
My partner is off work for two weeks after tomm but after that I have to try and do everything.
We bought a fabulous house last year in readiness for starting a family. I was so excited to finish work for a year - I had so many ideas of what I was going to do. After finishing work for a week I was afflicted.
I don't know what to do .... I feel like I'm being pushed into a corner with only one way out :,(

Wishing everyone well.

Go get your hearing checked. Any loss - even minor - that can be corrected with hearing aids can lessen or rid the noticibility of T. Get some with makers built in too just so you can turn them on to listen to something different if it does not get rid of it completely.

 

[Seb_Dust]

Dear smith,

I am very sorry to hear this is happening to you.
I feel compelled to reply, as my sister also suffers from tinnitus that she developed in the last stage of her second pregnancy. Her's is a "washing machine" sound, pulsating.

I do not want to say it will or will not go away. I have only suffered with Heavy T since 2016, but I believe from your description that I went through a similar mental process as you are now.

It is hell. It is worrying, it is constant and uncontrollable. It takes the sanity out of anyone.

In my case, I have no hearing loss (Though I have attacked my ears heavily with music), and can tell you that anxiety was in direct relation with the T. I believe once you get over the initial shock, it will all be much better. You must try and accept it. accept it is there, but ignore it (I know this sounds really stupid....).

There are a lot of forums out there, and people that can help with the anxiety, which I believe could be in direct correlation with your T. (In my sister's case, she still has it, but it does not bother her anymore).

Regarding SSRI's, I can not help, I really do not know anything, and I did not take any (except a couple lorazepams when I had panic attacks, a couple of times). I had never suffered anxiety/depression, and I now realize... I made the terrible mistake of not talking to anyone, I believe this is key. talking to people.

Obsessing over it is normal, but counter-productive, the more we obsess, the more we focus on it, and the more we start to think it has bad repercussions, making the anxiety worse, and it is a vicious circle.

Cricket sounds/water sounds helped me a lot in the worse moments, I could mask it, and "forget" about it for a few moments.

Sleep is a key aspect aswel, once I started sleeping better, I started feeling better. My T is still in full blast, I just don't hear it, I "ignore" it, per say.

You are not alone, and this will pass, I promise it will, the anxiety over T will pass, and you will eventually not hear it, or your T might even go away.

Do not lose hope, be strong, and remember we are with you, and here to talk and help. You will always have an anonymous ear here to listen, and give support.

Do not hesitate to contact if you go to a dark place. This corner with one way out is actually an open window, but our brain will not allow us to see the fresh air. Time cures all of this (In my case).

I hope you find relief soon.

Kind regards,

Seb

 

[Danika]

Hi Smith,

I am having a rough day as well. Although not much of a comfort but you are not alone.

I didn't sleep well last night and woke up with a hopeless feeling....I think it's all part of the roller coaster ride....I need to believe that this will be better one day, it will go away or I won't care anymore.

It's hard to believe that now...but I, like you, have so much in life to be happy about I can't let this beat me.

 

[smith]

Thank you for your kind replies.
Everyone believes my T is anxiety and stress related. I struggled with anxiety through my pregnancy.. terrified something bad would happen. The last 6 weeks were awful and looking back I was depressed. I had terrible digestive issues and could barely eat and just couldn't sleep. I had painful hips and back and sometime around the T starting I pulled my neck very painfully (have booked to see a cranial osteopath in desperate hope).
I'm so depressed right now ... I have tried to be positive but T gets the better of me. I'm terrified how to cope when my little one starts teething etc ... my partner cannot do every night whilst working full time .. it would break him.
I'm desperately hoping that I feel so bad due to increasing medication and that once it kicks in I can try to cope better.
Mellissa101 - how do people with anxiety get better? Do u have any success stories as I need to hear them? Is it possible that my anti depressant if it works and calms anxiety and depression then that would fade the T?

I'm so confused as anti depressants are said not to be a cure but surely for depression stress and anxiety induced T that they could be?

Seb - how does ur sister cope? Was she told what caused hers?

Thanks again so much for helping

 

[smith]

Hi Danika.
I'm feeling really low ... hoping just the initial reaction to increasing meds. I'm terrified that the meds are making my T worse! But I have to get an anti depressant into my system or I'm not gonna make it! :,( ... I'm hoping it just seems worse but isn't .... so many mixed opinions on whether anti ds make T worse or not. I thought mirtazapine was a safe option and still hope it is!
Sorry ur having a bad one too ... I hope you feel better soon x

 

[Sam Bridge]

@smith I know you say its not hearing loss but have you had a test just to rule it out?

 

[smith]

Hi
I've done three ... all were in normal limits. I had glue ear in right side years ago which was corrected with a grommet and haven't had so much as an ear ache since.
Pressure test was normal so no fluid behind ear drum now.

 

[zmogedra]

If you @smith wanna hear something about anxiety smith? Damn my work is very stressful I had huge project deadlines on my back, working +12h a day + the ringing... But I told to my self I wont take any antidepressants and I did and still live by this rule... They are like sleeping pills once you are hooked their is no easy way to go back. Trust you don't need them. I think you are a strong person, while heck you have a freaking house!!! You just need to find the way how to control your emotions. Recently I had a second ear infection and my ringing got worse.. And I am still trying to come back from depression. As I saw it is vital to have a whole week or two filled with good emotions. That way the brain starts to ignore the little ringing in the ear and the days actually become nicer Yes it's not a cure but damn it is way way better than constantly thinking about it..
For me it was the best just to immerse myself into video games and feel like a kid again. Also it was very important to understand from where does this ringing comes from and how it works, as I have masters degree in science knowing this stuff actually calmed me down.
Also try some multivitamins drink some zinc and read the thread about saffron cure. Man... the saffron is good for anxiety(also a little secret crush the soaked saffron with the spoon, it will release all the juice). Don't know a lot about stress induced ringing, but I don't see the reason why it shouldn't go away with time. It's not like you have damaged hearing like me. For now the best thing you can do is to calm down and bully the doctors to find the root of it oh and drink some saffron

 

[Candy]

@smith had a very bad time during my second pregnancy, the first one I was slightly anxious, the second one had a breakdown. Started CBT, was so much better within months. Did CBT for years, I've been trained to be my own therapist. It was life changing. This was nearly 7 years ago.

Then 8 months ago out of the blue came T. Was tired but not anxious, it just happened, the CBT I'd received was around different issues, it helped but not enough, so I started again.
I had recently returned to work, began a new phase as kids were starting school, was happy, had spent two years renovating a house for future happy times...things were finally getting easier and was getting 'myself back'...40s are the new 30s and all that, when BANG, s...y t arrived. I was so angry, felt cheated, was bereft.

It is never a good time to get T. My kids saw me cry every day, people took care of them, I was a mess. I totally get the feeling of injustice, but in time I hope life will make it up to you.

As the months go by I find that the kids distract me from t, the t is quite separate to them somehow. I often ask mysel if they will remember the old me...but then I realise that our personality shines through whatever. I often see people on TT and get a flavour for who they are, for they're humour, even if they're suffering. This is to say that you will make a great mum, will enjoy your kids, just having a tough time now. Get CBT, fix the anxiety and your t might improve, everything else certainly will. x

 

[cflkb]

Hi. Can't imagine what you are going through. My T started about 6 years ago and it's been a Rollercoaster ride. I was in a deep dark place my first year. And things in my life at that point weren't going so well, so stress and anxiety were a big factor. There's no magic cure but you have to find some kind of relief. I used to walk around the house carrying my iPod with me everywhere I went while it played music, or white noise. And try not to think about things in terms of years and down the road, but more so every moment or day. And slowly and steady you'll find some kind of comfort. You're stronger than you think. And with the right support, you'll continue on with life. Good luck and be well everyone.

 

[DebInAustralia]

Hi Smith,

Congrats on the birth of your baby firstly. Is this your first baby? What did you have?

How are you recovering from your emergency c section? (inbox me if too personal to post here - im a midwife)

Your t journey is very raw. I can understand why you would conclude that your life is over. It is still entirely possible, as your friends and family are hoping, that this could resolve. To give it the best chance of doing so, have a look at Julian Cowan Hill's youtube videos on tinnitus (he himself suffered with very severe tinnitus for a long time). Do you best to calm down your nervous system. Getting adequate sleep is a good move, and if you feel you are benefitting from the mirtazepine, then keep going with that.

Your thought patterns echo many of our feelings in the beginning (mine included). I myself in the early days, couldnt imagine ever being able to sleep deeply again, work, enjoy socialising, etc...I spent the good part of the first month after my onset obsessing, talking, breathing, and living my tinnitus. I will be honest. It still bothers me at times. I have my good and bad days, but i am no longer living the daily struggle of the fight and flight response. I have my life back. Again, my life has changed, but I am/have learnt to make the best of this situation. It is amazing how resilient we are when we have no other option.

If you choose to discontinue with the mirtazepine, there are other alternatives for anxiety and depression.

. exercise
. mindfulness cbt
. hot baths
. massage
. aromatherapy
. 5htp
. L tryptophan
. gaba tea
. L theanine
. Magnesium
. talking therapies
. distraction
. sound therapy

Have a look at the back to silence thread. I think this is a very encouraging thread, and a testiment to what the brain is capable of doing when given the right guidance so far as neuroplasticity.

Q. are you anaemic?

Write back soon. Let us know how you are getting on.

hugs

deb X

 

[Seb_Dust]

Seb - how does ur sister cope? Was she told what caused hers?

Thanks again so much for helping

Dear Smith,

I hope today is a better day!

My sister was never told what induced hers, she had heaps of tests done, and they found nothing that they could pinpoint as a cause to tinnitus ( I think most of us get that answer...).

I do know it was stress induced, as she had a complicated pregnancy, (pre-eclampsia), and this triggered the T for her.

Her's has diminished, and it has not taken her long to habituate. (She says once the anxiety and stress went away, the T faded to a much lower level). I believe our own anxiety and the fact we hear the T makes it louder. This will fade with time. She copes with it by "trying to ignore it". She got it before me, and gave me this advice. I was depressed and had panic attacks for couple months, then i calmed down, and recovery started very quick from there. It was the same for her, now 5 month in I am very habituated.

Let me just reassure you with one thing: Even if it does not go away, once you get over the initial shock ( My brain for example was convinced this was a "serious" issue, it triggered a fight or flight instinct). Until I realized it is not a life threatening issue, it has no repercussion on my life, I can still hear the most minute sounds over the T (as in, in does not mask any exterior sounds). For example, my T is loud (I believe... I never hear other peoples T! But I can hear it on my motorbike on the motorway...), and even though the sound is still there, I do not hear it. It is ignored by my brain. Even at night in full silence, God knows I hear it, but as I pay no attention to it, it is as if it is not there. I promise this will happen for you. We all get there. We have to plow through.

The first step (I am by no means a therapist, but this is my opinion), is to try and slowly bring the anxiety down (easier said than done, I know) , and that will automatically reduce your personal perception of your T volume. Be it with Meds, or an analyst that can help, here, i can not help obviously, as it is an area a know very little about. Once this is achieved, Habituation can start, and it happens, i promise, it gets to that point where it is not an issue.

BTW, Congrats on your little one!!!

I wish you all the best, I will see if my sister has any insight or anything they told her that could be of interest to you, I will send you a message with what she says to me. She was in a bad state for a few months, and now is back to herself.

Just try and reduce the stress, I promise the T will be less perceptible, and once this is done, the road is not a steep wall anymore.

Keep strong! And try and relax, have a warm bath, listen to sounds that mask your T when you get very nervous, watch films/read to get your mind off it, This is the key, try and pass as long periods as you can entertaining yourself with something so your brain ignores it, and slowly the message will get there that it does not need to listen to it anymore. Force your brain to ignore it as much as you can. Say to yourself: This is not a problem, yes, i hear it, but it is not a problem. Just say it out loud, even if it is a lie, your brain will catch onto it, i promise.

I wish you all the best, all the strength and support I can pass on. I will get back to you if my sister gives me any info that could be of interest.

Best of luck Smith, all my love.

P.S. Diet really helped me fix my state of mind, strong colorful veg/fruit (beetroot, bananas, kiwi, carrots, etc), it might sound silly, but it really helped loads. This, and physical activity would help loads with the dopamine effect.

Regards,

Seb

 

[smith]

Thank you so much for your kind replies.
I am doing fine physically after the c section. I really haven't given that side of thing much thought and I've healed perfectly.
My son is just perfect - life would be perfect if the T wasn't here.
I have desperately been looking for success stories of stress related T having gone but cannot find any. 5 weeks in now - thinking if temp would have gone by now.
I've been to the dentist today as I had a broken filling. Told her the situation and she was very sympathetic. Fully examined my jaw and said it was perfect however I have tooth imprints on tongue and side of mouth so she thinks I could be clenching my jaw without realising. I have a mouth guard from when she suggested this previously (early pregnancy) but I couldn't sleep with it. She is happy to refer me to the hospital for thorough checks and x rays. I have two top wisdom teeth that haven't dropped - still in jaw - not sure if this could mean anything but I have no pain etc.
I had bloods taken today to check thyroid, anemia, vitamin b and cholesterol.
I'm desperate for my cranial osteopath app in 3 weeks.
After that there is nothing more I can do ... I've fought for everything.
Thanks for reading

 

[Mark Sabala]

God, Hope and each other, is essential for MY dealing with this. I grateful for your testimonial and transparency. Im still hoping this T fades sooner than later. Over a year now, and there are some good days, and some like today not so good. But, I rely on people for encouragement. The emotional symptoms DO subside. That's a fact. Stay the course, stay busy, eliminate stress. In sure we'll all be fine.
Blessings all

 

[Scared111]

Thank you so much for your kind replies.
I am doing fine physically after the c section. I really haven't given that side of thing much thought and I've healed perfectly.
My son is just perfect - life would be perfect if the T wasn't here.
I have desperately been looking for success stories of stress related T having gone but cannot find any. 5 weeks in now - thinking if temp would have gone by now.
I've been to the dentist today as I had a broken filling. Told her the situation and she was very sympathetic. Fully examined my jaw and said it was perfect however I have tooth imprints on tongue and side of mouth so she thinks I could be clenching my jaw without realising. I have a mouth guard from when she suggested this previously (early pregnancy) but I couldn't sleep with it. She is happy to refer me to the hospital for thorough checks and x rays. I have two top wisdom teeth that haven't dropped - still in jaw - not sure if this could mean anything but I have no pain etc.
I had bloods taken today to check thyroid, anemia, vitamin b and cholesterol.
I'm desperate for my cranial osteopath app in 3 weeks.
After that there is nothing more I can do ... I've fought for everything.
Thanks for reading

did any of the things helped? hope you are feeling better!