Giving Up — I Just Can't Live Like This Anymore

[jadebug]

Hi, you should take much reassurance that you did all you could to prevent this. The guilt associated with having not done this only makes it more difficult to accept xx

I get that completely! Actually when I got T the first time 6 years ago I didn't have any guilt whatsoever because it popped up out of nowhere. No colds, no loud noises, no ear infections nothing. So I couldn't think man I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from doing 'x' and getting tinnitus. But this time since I took an antidepressant which I think caused the increase in my otherwise mild T I have ridiculous guilt and regret over it. I feel like I wasn't "depressed enough" to take an AD and should have been happy to have a perfectly functioning body. I feel like I took it all for granted. This is true depression I'm feeling and I'm terrified. It's such an awful feeling and I'd do anything to go back in time and stop myself from taking the lexapro. So it' guilt of a different kind. I'd imagine going to a concert or something of that nature would lead to even more guilt though.

 

[Paulmanlike]

I get that completely! Actually when I got T the first time 6 years ago I didn't have any guilt whatsoever because it popped up out of nowhere. No colds, no loud noises, no ear infections nothing. So I couldn't think man I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from doing 'x' and getting tinnitus. But this time since I took an antidepressant which I think caused the increase in my otherwise mild T I have ridiculous guilt and regret over it. I feel like I wasn't "depressed enough" to take an AD and should have been happy to have a perfectly functioning body. I feel like I took it all for granted. This is true depression I'm feeling and I'm terrified. It's such an awful feeling and I'd do anything to go back in time and stop myself from taking the lexapro. So it' guilt of a different kind. I'd imagine going to a concert or something of that nature would lead to even more guilt though.

Look at this way, your chance of developing tinnitus from a typical SSRI anti depressant is between 0.1-1%. Type in a name of an anti-depressant (SSRI's class) and then type ehealthme and tinnitus. It will give x amount of people taking the drug compared to those who have tinnitus.

On top of that, because tinnitus is such a common condition and the amount of millions worldwide taking ad's there is bound to be reports of people reporting t as a side effect but its infrequent they are still unsure if it's actually an AD what is the cause or not.

You HAVE NOT been irresponsible

 

[TheDanishGirl]

The VAST majority of noise induced T fades in 6-18 months. I read that from a report from a Tinnitus expert, But I do not have it bookmarked. I'm sorry yours did not fade. Also, Lots of Noise induced T suffers on the website report significant improvement within 1 year (including me twice).
The authors themselves report most T improves significantly over time:
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/panic/
Sorry if you choose not to believe it.

Quote from that post:

"And it can often be temporary; it could very well go away in a few days or weeks or fade to the point that you rarely notice it. In fact this is what happens for the overwhelming majority of people who get it."

Is their an article or some research to back that up? I would never call anyone here a liar, but I have never heard or read anywhere that the overwhelming majority of people with T have it fade a lot or go away.

 

[Vicki14]

I get that completely! Actually when I got T the first time 6 years ago I didn't have any guilt whatsoever because it popped up out of nowhere. No colds, no loud noises, no ear infections nothing. So I couldn't think man I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from doing 'x' and getting tinnitus. But this time since I took an antidepressant which I think caused the increase in my otherwise mild T I have ridiculous guilt and regret over it. I feel like I wasn't "depressed enough" to take an AD and should have been happy to have a perfectly functioning body. I feel like I took it all for granted. This is true depression I'm feeling and I'm terrified. It's such an awful feeling and I'd do anything to go back in time and stop myself from taking the lexapro. So it' guilt of a different kind. I'd imagine going to a concert or something of that nature would lead to even more guilt though.

I completely understand your regret and fear, I truly do. It's that gut wrenching feeling that lies constantly in the pit of your stomach and it's horrible.
I just had a conversation and cry with my husband tonight how I regret strimming the garden a month ago (with ear protectors on) and my t shot up and I've now acquired a wasps nest on top of the ringing. I found solace in the shower before but this new tone is amplified by it and I'm now agitated in the shower. Places and things I previously found soothing only now irritates me and I find it panicky I have 'no place to hide' from this now.
Unfortunately hind sight is an exact science and I'm sure if we all knew then what we know now, we'd have made different choices. We have to have hope and faith that somehow this will get better for us, even though it really doesn't feel like it... hope is what keeps us moving forward...

Draw strength from other members too, we all UNDERSTAND how you feel, truly we do and I understand your struggle... I'm on your page too!!! Xxx

 

[Michael Leigh]

Draw strength from other members too, we all UNDERSTAND how you feel, truly we do and I understand your struggle... I'm on your page too!!! Xxx

Intrusive tinnitus isn't easy to handle @Vicki14 we all know that. At times when it is difficult try and think of the positive things in you life.

Michael

 

[jadebug]

I completely understand your regret and fear, I truly do. It's that gut wrenching feeling that lies constantly in the pit of your stomach and it's horrible.
I just had a conversation and cry with my husband tonight how I regret strimming the garden a month ago (with ear protectors on) and my t shot up and I've now acquired a wasps nest on top of the ringing. I found solace in the shower before but this new tone is amplified by it and I'm now agitated in the shower. Places and things I previously found soothing only now irritates me and I find it panicky I have 'no place to hide' from this now.
Unfortunately hind sight is an exact science and I'm sure if we all knew then what we know now, we'd have made different choices. We have to have hope and faith that somehow this will get better for us, even though it really doesn't feel like it... hope is what keeps us moving forward...

Draw strength from other members too, we all UNDERSTAND how you feel, truly we do and I understand your struggle... I'm on your page too!!! Xxx

Wow I'm truly sorry you are experiencing all this fear and regret too. It's bad enough we have to get this awful ringing and deal with it's intrusiveness but dealing with the worry of making it permanently worse or dealing with increases and just the general not knowing the prognosis at all is terrifying. Also not getting a break from the T is excruciating as well. I feel like I can never be at peace or truly relax.
The shower makes mine even louder when I come out so that's not even that helpful either. Even if my T gets mostly masked by something my head still feels off like it's buzzing or something. Im not sure if this makes sense but I just feel not right even if I can't hear it, which makes me feel like I can always hear it. This condition is just so frustrating I wish I could fast forward and just be better or know the outcome of the experience. If I know I'll be fine and happy in a year or so I can make it through all this pain, but nothing is guaranteed and I really don't see how I can get used to these buzzing feelings and vibrations. I wish you the best and hope you can find relief and peace. I'm here struggling with you and one way or another we'll make it out of this hell. Keep hope alive!

 

[Paulmanlike]

Quote from that post:

"And it can often be temporary; it could very well go away in a few days or weeks or fade to the point that you rarely notice it. In fact this is what happens for the overwhelming majority of people who get it."

Is their an article or some research to back that up? I would never call anyone here a liar, but I have never heard or read anywhere that the overwhelming majority of people with T have it fade a lot or go away.

The things I have read is the complete opposite. However, being positive, many learn to HABITUATE over time... but I've yet to hear from a reputable source that the sound actually reduces in volume after a year or two.

 

[Vicki14]

Wow I'm truly sorry you are experiencing all this fear and regret too. It's bad enough we have to get this awful ringing and deal with it's intrusiveness but dealing with the worry of making it permanently worse or dealing with increases and just the general not knowing the prognosis at all is terrifying. Also not getting a break from the T is excruciating as well. I feel like I can never be at peace or truly relax.
The shower makes mine even louder when I come out so that's not even that helpful either. Even if my T gets mostly masked by something my head still feels off like it's buzzing or something. Im not sure if this makes sense but I just feel not right even if I can't hear it, which makes me feel like I can always hear it. This condition is just so frustrating I wish I could fast forward and just be better or know the outcome of the experience. If I know I'll be fine and happy in a year or so I can make it through all this pain, but nothing is guaranteed and I really don't see how I can get used to these buzzing feelings and vibrations. I wish you the best and hope you can find relief and peace. I'm here struggling with you and one way or another we'll make it out of this hell. Keep hope alive!

I couldn't agree with you more!! My thoughts and feelings are EXACTLY the same! If I was told I was to endure this rocky sea a few years or so but it would become bearable then I'd chill a bit more and just try and get on with it. I feel it's too volatile for me to manage and to relax is impossible. I'm always on edge and feel ravaged by it, physically and mentally. Every morning feels like I'm waking to clim ANOTHER mountain.
Hope god gives us the strength to battle on and triumph over it to reclaim our lives again xxx

 

[jadebug]

Look at this way, your chance of developing tinnitus from a typical SSRI anti depressant is between 0.1-1%. Type in a name of an anti-depressant (SSRI's class) and then type ehealthme and tinnitus. It will give x amount of people taking the drug compared to those who have tinnitus.

On top of that, because tinnitus is such a common condition and the amount of millions worldwide taking ad's there is bound to be reports of people reporting t as a side effect but its infrequent they are still unsure if it's actually an AD what is the cause or not.

You HAVE NOT been irresponsible

Thank you for that reassurance I really need it. At the time when I took the AD I wasn't even worried about my T. If someone asked me about it I'd always say I'm not sure if it just went away or I got used to it. It was such a relieving feeling I miss it. But then when I saw tinnitus as a potential side effect I even thought that oh I had that already so it won't matter to me. I had no idea T could get so much worse and vary the way it does. Once I realized my T had changed in pitch and googled tinnitus and lexapro my heart dropped into my stomach. I truly believed even if T was caused by medication it would go away and wouldn't cause a permanent effect but there people were complaining on the internet (not TT) about how they were left with permanent awful ringing from only short doses of an AD. I think this sent me into a spiral of regret.

At first when I sought out a therapist for my depression and anxiety issues I was so proud of myself and so so hopeful that I would finally feel better but now I just feel as low as I possibly could be.

But you're right I wasn't reckless. Its extremely rare to get T or a permanent increase from an AD and I was only trying to help myself. Who knows maybe anxiety is the sole reason for my T increase or TMJ or my prior cold. Whatever the reason it's happening and I just have to try my best to move on.

 

[jadebug]

I couldn't agree with you more!! My thoughts and feelings are EXACTLY the same! If I was told I was to endure this rocky sea a few years or so but it would become bearable then I'd chill a bit more and just try and get on with it. I feel it's too volatile for me to manage and to relax is impossible. I'm always on edge and feel ravaged by it, physically and mentally. Every morning feels like I'm waking to clim ANOTHER mountain.
Hope god gives us the strength to battle on and triumph over it to reclaim our lives again xxx

Exactly! Every morning I wake up a wreck emotionally at the thought of battling a whole day with the T not to have a single break from it. I think it hurts so much because I hope one day I'll just wake up and it'll be gone. It's absurd that there's no treatment for this at all. I would think by now there would be at least a medication to decrease the ringing a bit kind of like how a pain pill will reduce some of the pain even if it's still there. I think the brain is an extremely powerful organ and can adapt more than we give it credit for so hopefully that means we won't feel so awfully once it's used to the sensation. I pray everyday to be free from this pain but just hope that it will turn me into a stronger more appreciative person. And soon maybe those days will seem more like hills instead of mountains to climb. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm always here if you need to talk! x

 

[jadebug]

I am no doctor so this is only my personal opinion. Personally, I believe anxiety can actually make T louder, at least perception-wise. I think when we are very anxious, the limbic system is activated as the object of anxiety, tinnitus, is now considered by the limbic system as a potential threat. This will cause the Amygdala to take over in processing the T signal/stimulus and it can surely fire up our emotional response to this threat. Our senses are sharpened and focused on this threat, ready for the fight, or flight. This will make T so much dominant in our senses and that is why it is very hard to not focus on it initially. The brain neurons may be in hyperactive state when the limbic system is dominant and so the pseudo sound it creates, our tinnitus, will appear that much stronger in intensity. So we need to find ways to get out of the control of the limbic nervous system.

This makes a lot of sense! I notice my T seems to be a bit lower when I'm hanging out with my boyfriend or in an engaging conversation. Thank you so much for all your help you give such wonderful advice and your recovery story is truly remarkable! I hope I can return to the forum with a success story of my own.

 

[TuneOut]

So could anxiety actually be making the T louder?

Yes. Absolutely.

 

[jadebug]

Yes. Absolutely.

So in your experience does the volume actually decrease once you settle down and stop being so anxious about the sound? I think this happened to me the first time I had T but I can't tell if I just got used to it.

 

[TuneOut]

So in your experience does the volume actually decrease once you settle down and stop being so anxious about the sound? I think this happened to me the first time I had T but I can't tell if I just got used to it.

Hi Jadebug. Yes, I've found that most of the time it does go back down, eventually. Stress is harmful to the whole body. I also try to avoid caffeine and other stimulants.

 

[Vicki14]

Exactly! Every morning I wake up a wreck emotionally at the thought of battling a whole day with the T not to have a single break from it. I think it hurts so much because I hope one day I'll just wake up and it'll be gone. It's absurd that there's no treatment for this at all. I would think by now there would be at least a medication to decrease the ringing a bit kind of like how a pain pill will reduce some of the pain even if it's still there. I think the brain is an extremely powerful organ and can adapt more than we give it credit for so hopefully that means we won't feel so awfully once it's used to the sensation. I pray everyday to be free from this pain but just hope that it will turn me into a stronger more appreciative person. And soon maybe those days will seem more like hills instead of mountains to climb. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm always here if you need to talk! x

Awh... and to you too!! I too truly hope that we don't have to feel this anxiety and stress for the rest of our lives, I know folk live with horrible conditions but you just feel cheated by this... this how it wasn't meant to be... constantly my thoughts!! We all have so much to live for and I truly hope that t and h don't take it away! Me too, always here if you want a chat xx

 

[jadebug]

Awh... and to you too!! I too truly hope that we don't have to feel this anxiety and stress for the rest of our lives, I know folk live with horrible conditions but you just feel cheated by this... this how it wasn't meant to be... constantly my thoughts!! We all have so much to live for and I truly hope that t and h don't take it away! Me too, always here if you want a chat xx

I know I don't think I can deal with this level of anxiety all my life. It's so debilitating and frightening. I'm having a really rough day today and I feel like I can't get through this. T is so awful because there's never any escape instead of other illnesses which tend to not always be so prominent and in the forefront of the mind. I'm pretty young too so I didn't think I'd have to be dealing with any chronic health concerns just yet. It makes me so sad because I've tried to take such good care of my body and this still happened to me. I'm feeling so jealous of everyone I know who doesn't have to worry about their ears ringing constantly. I literally started crying today when my boyfriend told me he was going out to hang out with his friends (didn't let him know/see this because he deserves to have fun) because I'm so scared I'll never be able to have actual fun and relax again with my friends. I just wish someone could guarantee I would be okay. All I want is happiness and to be okay. I just need to know I'll be fine but how can I be with roaring tinnitus?? Ugh I'm sorry I'm just really feeling down today.

 

[Vicki14]

I know I don't think I can deal with this level of anxiety all my life. It's so debilitating and frightening. I'm having a really rough day today and I feel like I can't get through this. T is so awful because there's never any escape instead of other illnesses which tend to not always be so prominent and in the forefront of the mind. I'm pretty young too so I didn't think I'd have to be dealing with any chronic health concerns just yet. It makes me so sad because I've tried to take such good care of my body and this still happened to me. I'm feeling so jealous of everyone I know who doesn't have to worry about their ears ringing constantly. I literally started crying today when my boyfriend told me he was going out to hang out with his friends (didn't let him know/see this because he deserves to have fun) because I'm so scared I'll never be able to have actual fun and relax again with my friends. I just wish someone could guarantee I would be okay. All I want is happiness and to be okay. I just need to know I'll be fine but how can I be with roaring tinnitus?? Ugh I'm sorry I'm just really feeling down today.

Jeeze!!!! Don't EVER apologise for how you feel!!!!! We all COMPLETELY understand and sympathise with you!!!! I agree too with what you said, there are lots of other horrible things but at least you maybe get a break from it sometimes.... this t is such a head nipper and i dreadfully miss my sense of peace and calm... as long as I have this, I'll never truly relax and be calm and even if it disappeared, I'd be terrified of it returning!
It's such a shame how you have gotten this so young too, I got mine when 43 and reckon that's young too! suppose there's no 'ideal' age to get this or anything!!!!
I truly hope there are better days ahead for you... Xxx

 

[Starthrower]

I just wish someone could guarantee I would be okay. All I want is happiness and to be okay. I just need to know I'll be fine but how can I be with roaring tinnitus??

Hi Jadebug,

I can guarantee you will be okay. You will find happiness again. This is all new to you so far and you are asking all the right questions and responding correctly which really is appreciated by those of us posting back to you.

You will get back into the nursing program and this experience will provide a very valuable life lesson and give you the ability to have empathy and understanding for your patients.

Over a decade ago I never thought I would be normal or happy either. But I kept fighting and picking myself up. I needed help from my primary doctor with the anxiety.

How are you doing?

 

[jadebug]

Hi Jadebug,

I can guarantee you will be okay. You will find happiness again. This is all new to you so far and you are asking all the right questions and responding correctly which really is appreciated by those of us posting back to you.

You will get back into the nursing program and this experience will provide a very valuable life lesson and give you the ability to have empathy and understanding for your patients.

Over a decade ago I never thought I would be normal or happy either. But I kept fighting and picking myself up. I needed help from my primary doctor with the anxiety.

How are you doing?

Thank you so much for asking about how I'm doing and taking the time to post and offer me support and wonderful advice. Today so far has been a pretty good day. My T seems to be a bit lower today or I'm just handling it better. I'm hopeful since I haven't done any damage to my ears that it will keep subsiding or that I will keep getting better at managing it. It's just hard to come to terms that this is happening to me.

I decided I am going to college this September and am going to give this my all. I think having something to focus on like studying and being in an environment where there all are always people around will help me forget about my T and put it in the background. I'm going to experiment with different masking noises for studying and buy a good pair of ear plugs in case I find myself in a loud place or situation. I know there's going to be ups and downs and I may hate the way things are right now, but I have to be hopeful things will at least get a little better and I will adapt. Nursing is my passion and I've always wanted to help people and provide comfort for them when they are feeling at their lowest. I can't give up this dream.

I had myself convinced my T was awful and my case is severe but I know that's not the case. My T is not loud it is simply more intrusive and variable but it may not always be this way and even if it is I can adapt. I notice it less in stores and outside so that's a positive and I also can fall asleep just fine most nights. The anxiety about the future and hearing it in my daily life is what's bothering me so much.

It's also helpful to know that when I have a bad day again and feel miserable which will happen I can come back here and get support from all you wonderful strong and supportive people. Thank you! I will keep updating everyone with my progress and hopefully one day will have a success story!

 

[Bobbie7]

Dear @jadebug -

I have read your story and I'm sorry to learn of your suffering. I see from your most recent post that you plan on continuing your education and then your plan to be a nurse. You are obviously a strong person with determination who has emerged through some very dark periods and have triumphed over tinnitus so you may face your goal in the future in assisting people who are in need. I have always felt that nursing is one of the most admirable of careers (and your passion as you phrased it) and I gather you will be able to provide much understanding, comfort and support to others in the future. We all have our challenges and setbacks from time to time - part of the human condition - but what is most important is that each time we are knocked down.. we rise, reinforce our inner fortitude and renew a commitment to ourselves not to be defeated, especially by tinnitus.

Let me wish you health, happiness and success in your journey @jadebug. Take care and be well.

Barbara

 

[Dan-in-MD]

My Tinnitus began in May of 2016 and it's been difficult since then. I take ambien, an antidepressant, and xanax. Right now, at my desk, I'm listening to an iPhone app "Rain Rain" and a mixture of a sound of rain, tstorm, and whistling blizzard. Other times, I'll put on Pandora.

I'm an avid reader, and for the year after T began I had a really hard time. The first two months were the toughest. I loved silence, and T robbed me of that to some extent.

For me, I go out exercising (walking) on trails and paths in nature with the noise of water, birds, frogs, and bugs all around me. It's the most peaceful thing I can do, walking, because out there, I really can't hear my Tinnitus. Fortunately, it's made me a healthier person. I'll listen to music, Sirius XM news, and audiobooks.

Walking, and I mean walking pretty fast (especially on trails) is great cardio exercise.

When I find myself not noticing the Tinnitus, that's when I'm at peace.

 

[vermillion]

I haven't watched it. I just read its description. So if she is anything like me, she won't watch it.

That video literally destroyed me.

 

[Christophe_85]

That video literally destroyed me.

Why ???

 

[vermillion]

Why ???

It boosted my anxiety. It gave me panic attacks, therefore it made me make bad decisions. Today I still fear that I will end up like her. I wish I had never seen this.

 

[Christophe_85]

It boosted my anxiety. It gave me panick attacks, therefore it made make bad decisions. Today I still fear that I will end up like her.

I have watched this video last year...

To me it freaked me out that this f****** T could be that horrible !!!

But the "good" point for her is that she could die in the best way possible, with the help of medicine...

What freaks me out the most is that I couldn't have the choice like her if my T would become impossible to live with !

 

[vermillion]

I have watched this video last year...

To me it freaked me out that this f****** T could be that horrible !!!

But the "good" point for her is that she could die in the best way possible, with the help of medicine...

What freaks me out the most is that I couldn't have the choice like her if my T would become impossible to live with !

It's a tragedy. Gaby's story underlines the necessity of a real treatment.

 

[jadebug]

I have watched this video last year...

To me it freaked me out that this f****** T could be that horrible !!!

But the "good" point for her is that she could die in the best way possible, with the help of medicine...

What freaks me out the most is that I couldn't have the choice like her if my T would become impossible to live with !

Yeah it terrified me as well. I started thinking that that could be me one day and it's so sad because absolutely nothing could be done so ease her pain. It's horrible! I think H was one of her biggest problems too so I tried to ease my fears by thinking and appreciating that I don't have that. Also that her case is extremely rare and not the norm and that most likely I will be okay again. I really really hope research keeps going on and something is found to help. This condition absolutely terrifies me.

 

[Christophe_85]

Yeah it terrified me as well. I started thinking that that could be me one day and it's so sad because absolutely nothing could be done so ease her pain. It's horrible! I think H was one of her biggest problems too so I tried to ease my fears by thinking and appreciating that I don't have that. Also that her case is extremely rare and not the norm and that most likely I will be okay again. I really really hope research keeps going on and something is found to help. This condition absolutely terrifies me.

It may seem weird but to me the scariest thing by far would be not to have the agreement of the medicine world to let me go the easy way...

If it becomes too hard to live without ANY relief, it is not necessary to live in suffer...

The hardest part would be to explain our choice to the family...

 

[Christophe_85]

It's a tragedy. Gaby's story underlines the necessity of a real treatment.

It is very sad...

And you cannot find NO peace at all, it's terrible !!!

 

[jadebug]

It may seem weird but to me the scariest thing by far would be not to have the agreement of the medicine world to let me go the easy way...

If it becomes too hard to live without ANY relief, it is not necessary to live in suffer...

The hardest part would be to explain our choice to the family...

Yeah I understand where you're coming from. I feel like most people just can't comprehend or truly understand the agony T can cause so the medical community isn't taking it seriously enough. I'm sure my case isn't even near the worst, yet I'm suffering terribly so imaging the possibility of getting worse or dealing with more pain than I can bare with no way out is unbearable.

And the worst of it is I got this so young so I'm scared of all the years I have ahead with T. The only thing giving me hope is that research is being done and there should be some kind of treatment option available in the future if a cure doesn't come along.