Hearing Loss and Severe Tinnitus — From Loving Life to Suicidal in 2 Months

[gameover]

I'd hate for it to have been the COVID-19 shot, 0.038% of 2.5 million people developed tinnitus in a study and it didn't specify if it was temporary or not. Lots of people developed it from COVID-19 itself. But given it did go away after my sinus surgery, I'm thinking probably not. I never had any spikes after boosters or anything like that.

I can at least say you're very fortunate to have all that. I'm 29, work a job I hate and am completely alone. I have insane potential in so many areas but I'm too obsessed with fixing my ears to do anything about it. The fact that you have all that and still feel so down about your ears really speaks volumes as to how crippling this can be. I've argued with some people I know about it and they just don't understand and think seeing a therapist would help. Yeah, no. If they can't fix my ears, I won't get better.

Fortunate to have what? Family and support? Yes. And no. I dearly love my wife and children. And I am still alive for them, and probably only because of them. But at the same time the guilt of giving up is all that much worse.

I am not saying having support, decent place to live does not matter. Matters a lot, and what I actually miss is that quiet house so I could stop being assaulted by noises I hate. But in the end I guess it boils down to if you have it in you or not. I do not know what it is. Some inner strength. Will to overcome, will to accept the suffering. I just cannot accept it, I guess, and like you, I need my ears back. Well, I can see accepting a mild stable tinnitus with zero hyperacusis. Anything worse than that puts me on the death spiral.

Like yesterday, I had a mixed day. I actually slept somewhat ok, woke up to a milder noise. I got to do few things. Not all. I went into a rage after being treated badly at a place - I did not deserve the treatment (I really think so), but I overreacted. It was a miracle I did not kill someone in my fit of rage later on the road. But tinnitus stayed on the low side throughout the day.

But then today a completely sleepless night. I slept from like 8 am till 2pm, waking up to a raging tinnitus. Filling my head with torturous noise. Thoughts of imminent death totally engulf me. Crying, lamenting, hating myself and the entire world. Eventually went for a coffee. But then a guy drives in a loud diesel truck, parks it next to outside sitting area and leaves that junker idling. Why people do that is beyond me. I apprehended him, but I was an asshole so he shrugged me off. Then I went and turned off his damn truck resisting the urge to throw his keys deep into bushes. Got back from my usual walk in the woods, somewhat calmer, but still full of dread. I do not find hope. And my wife is crying now.

I hate the world. I do not belong. I think the window of opportunity to escape a bad fate and hiding somewhere in the woods is closing quick.

But I really do not believe I will survive this. All the minor mistakes I have done have piled up and weigh me down. It is too much to overcome. I do not want to live like this. As the person I have become.

So much for another break from the forum. It does not seem to matter. I am unable to distract myself and get busy with things, so whether I am on the forum or ruminating by myself in the end does not change much.

I had a positive result with Niacin yesterday, the one the causes flush. I took 100 mg and it made the noise go down a lot. Today I took 250 mg and not only did I not flush, I got no tinnitus reduction. Maybe you can see how Niacin does for you.

From a quick search it seems Niacin can make tinnitus worse and even cause hearing loss.

Frankly I am at a stage I ditched all supplements. I don't believe anything of this sort can help. Either time heals or it doesn't. I drink some herbal teas including St. John's Wort but that's just to drink something different.

 

[DaveFromChicago]

Jesus, @gameover - did you really "apprehend" that trucker guy and then go into his truck and turn it off? There have been so many shooting around where I am that I just might take a risk in doing this.

On the other hand, with this condition, I might pay for a West Side Gangbanger to unload the entire magazine in his M10 Machine Pistol into my torso.

After a careful reading, I am exactly in the place you are in. If a psychiatrist asked me, the most debilitating factor about this is the white-hot rage that constantly afflicts me. There must be some Universal Moral Principle involved in refusing to accommodate yourself to such a monstrous condition. This condition represents The Ultimate Denial Of Life.

 

[gameover]

Jesus, @gameover - did you really "apprehend" that trucker guy and then go into his truck and turn it off? There have been so many shooting around where I am that I just might take a risk in doing this.

Well, yeah, I yelled for like 15 feet away while sitting at a table, so not exactly "apprehended him". Asking him to maybe turn off his f---ing truck when he parks it next to people sitting outside. I mean he really parked right next to the patio. Not like in distance or somewhere. He shrugged me (and maybe cursed, could not hear) and went inside the coffee shop. I then went to turn off his stinking pickup truck (it was a redneck in a pickup, not a "trucker") and then left. At least other people on the patio could enjoy their time without listening to the diesel junker racket. Though I don't suppose they suffer from hyperacusis.

I admit I could have spared the adjective, maybe my request would go further. But I don't give a fuck or think anymore.

On the other hand, with this condition, I might pay for a West Side Gangbanger to unload the entire magazine in his M10 Machine Pistol into my torso.

Yeah, something like that crossed my mind at some point as an alternative to the obvious default. I imagine it may be rather difficult to arrange.

After a careful reading, I am exactly in the place you are in. If a psychiatrist asked me, the most debilitating factor about this is the white-hot rage that constantly afflicts me. There must be some Universal Moral Principle involved in refusing to accommodate yourself to such a monstrous condition. This condition represents The Ultimate Denial Of Life.

My rage fluctuates. And I don't rage for no reason. Unfortunately you can't go five minutes without encountering some asshole and/or moron here, so opportunities abound. But my reactions are certainly not proportionate to the issues observed.

As for the most debilitating factor. For me it is the inability to focus on almost anything and despair about future and sadness about truly great life I fucked up and I am unable to salvage.

 

[gameover]

I did not sleep the entire night.

My sleep is gone now, too. I've been sleeping during the day for past however many days or weeks now. I tried to fix it by staying up and not sleeping at all during the day yesterday. I have not slept for 33 hours sine Sunday about 11 am when I woke up. Went to sleep about 10 pm Monday. Just woke up less than 3 hours later, maybe 2.5 hours.

And I dreamed about the tinnitus. Being in some weird place, maybe looking for a place. But I know this torture was on my mind in this dream.

This is worse than torture now. I was kinda ok with sleep since April, mostly in May, it wasn't perfect but I slept kind of enough. Now that's gone.

Sleep was one of my gifts of my prior life. Never had a problem sleeping. Maybe super occasional if I was stressed about something or maybe excited about something, but that's like one night every 3-4 years I'd have an issue, really.

This thing is set on destroying everything. God does not seem to care. What did I do to deserve this?

Of course the tinnitus is spiked when I woke up. But not as much as at sometimes. At least there is that. Btw, during the entire 33 hours of being up, I do not think it has spiked much, just normal annoying reactivity.

 

[Andrei88]

If you want to talk about being stupid, I gave an oral presentation in high school about tinnitus and what causes it. I got the information from a guitar magazine. I just did not apply the information myself and eventually blew up my ears playing guitar.

 

[gameover]

If you want to talk about being stupid, I gave an oral presentation in high school about tinnitus and what causes it. I got the information from a guitar magazine. I just did not apply the information myself and eventually blew up my ears playing guitar.

Ha, indeed! Just shows that sometimes we can't help or save ourselves. It is one of those things that maybe requires constant reinforcement. Warnings on things like musical instruments or power tools could help. And even then this could be not enough - perhaps due to unpredictability and undetectability of the damage. It just takes certain not understood sequence of events to cause damage. And the line between when damage happens and when it is avoided is so unknown.

Last night I managed to fall asleep eventually and slept uninterrupted 8 hours, so not too bad. No dreams at all, thankfully.

Being somewhat rested - if this description can apply to me anymore - and thinking (feeling?) with some "clarity" now. I truly feel that prolonged living in this condition is too hard for me. I wrote in another thread I need to restructure my life around living in service to others, that is my wife and children. It should be this way, yes.

But the suffering this condition causes - sensory and mental suffering - just about wiped out my will to live. I do not feel I will be writing a success story here anytime soon. Or ever.

 

[DaveFromChicago]

To @gameover:

The supporters of @Michael Leigh remind me of those Old-Time Orthodox Marxists (such as Jean-Paul Sartre) who, with prodigiously stupefyingly stubbornness, refused to be critical of Stalin's Regime even after the incontrovertibly damning evidence from the publication of Solzhenitsyn's "Gulag Archipelago."

In both cases, their obdurate refusal to reevaluate the "facts" as presented, even in the face of such plenary evidence to the contrary, only indicates a breathtaking level of desperation; better to pretend that a chimers is real than to face a New Mental Wilderness of The Unknown.

 

[Utdmad89]

To @gameover:

The supporters of @Michael Leigh remind me of those Old-Time Orthodox Marxists (such as Jean-Paul Sartre) who, with prodigiously stupefyingly stubbornness, refused to be critical of Stalin's Regime even after the incontrovertibly damning evidence from the publication of Solzhenitsyn's "Gulag Archipelago."

In both cases, their obdurate refusal to reevaluate the "facts" as presented, even in the face of such plenary evidence to the contrary, only indicates a breathtaking level of desperation; better to pretend that a chimers is real than to face a New Mental Wilderness of The Unknown.

Mate, give it a rest on the @Michael Leigh stuff. We get it, you don't like him.

 

[Michael Leigh]

Mate, give it a rest on the @Michael Leigh stuff. We get it, you don't like him.

Hi @Utdmad89. By chance I have seen your post. I placed the person you are corresponding with on ignore over a year ago, so I am no longer distracted by his posts. Please look at the bigger picture, then you will realise the real reason for his rantings.

Take care,
Michael

 

[Hardwell]

The supporters of @Michael Leigh remind me of those Old-Time Orthodox Marxists (such as Jean-Paul Sartre) who, with prodigiously stupefyingly stubbornness, refused to be critical of Stalin's Regime even after the incontrovertibly damning evidence from the publication of Solzhenitsyn's "Gulag Archipelago."

You confuse me slightly Dave, quite clearly you are an intelligent person. You articulate your thoughts well and have a good vocabulary and accounts of history, which you use well as references to make your points.

However, your outright blind hatred for @Michael Leigh baffles me, your need to go out of your way to insult his character at any given chance says a lot about your own. Your input and opinion is greatly valued as is Michael's.

I don't agree with everything you say in the same way I don't agree with everything Michael says. I believe you've both joined Tinnitus Talk at different points and in my opinion the calibre of members have changed since your joining. I was here eight years ago and it appeared the majority of users were your mild garden variety tinnitus sufferer and Michael's advice was probably correct for 90% of them.

Since coming back to Tinnitus talk a couple of months ago, I can see the demographic appears to be mostly severe cases now with only the occasional mild ones making a brief appearance. Why this is, who knows. And maybe your advice is more suited to the current demographic of Tinnitus Talk's sufferers. This is only my opinion, because in regards to tinnitus, all any of us can have is an opinion.

I would ask you to re-evaluate your needless beratement of Michael, at this point it's coming across as borderline harassment and bullying. I'm sure that's not who you are as a person, and an intelligent man like yourself has better things to do with his time on the internet.

 

[Ryan Scott]

To @gameover:

The supporters of @Michael Leigh remind me of those Old-Time Orthodox Marxists (such as Jean-Paul Sartre) who, with prodigiously stupefyingly stubbornness, refused to be critical of Stalin's Regime even after the incontrovertibly damning evidence from the publication of Solzhenitsyn's "Gulag Archipelago."

In both cases, their obdurate refusal to reevaluate the "facts" as presented, even in the face of such plenary evidence to the contrary, only indicates a breathtaking level of desperation; better to pretend that a chimers is real than to face a New Mental Wilderness of The Unknown.

This man has brought Carl Marx's theories and Stalin into a tinnitus forum. I have now seen it all, lol.

 

[Stayinghopeful]

Mate, give it a rest on the @Michael Leigh stuff. We get it, you don't like him.

He almost went half a dozen comments without mentioning him which, in itself, is astonishing.

 

[gameover]

Guys, while I am critical of many aspects of @Michael Leigh's posts, let's perhaps leave this kind of exchange out of my intro thread.

 

[DaveFromChicago]

If @Michael Leigh is the best that Tinnitus Talk has to offer, then you will not hear from me again. I can't stand the so very sad retrograde intellectual pollution you all wallow in. I'm out.

 

[Hardwell]

If @Michael Leigh is the best that Tinnitus Talk has to offer, then you will not hear from me again. I can't stand the so very sad retrograde intellectual pollution you all wallow in. I'm out.

Bye Dave.

 

[Jammer]

If @Michael Leigh is the best that Tinnitus Talk has to offer, then you will not hear from me again. I can't stand the so very sad retrograde intellectual pollution you all wallow in. I'm out.

Sorry to hear that you're leaving. May peace find you.

 

[David S]

@gameover, I have been exactly where you are now. I am your age, married with 3 grown up kids. I know things can be turned around.

You need to get your compulsive orientation out of your system.

Once at rock bottom, people kept saying the same thing to me. It was all just an illusion for me.

Just a few things to keep in mind:

• It took me many years until I felt a significant improvement. Then I had a setback because I was stupid (but that is another story).
• I took a lot of benzos to get my nerves under control and to have a decent life. Starting to sleep 8 hours per night was a game changer (I regret that I didn't have more sleep earlier).
• I took an SSRI to get my compulsive thinking under control.
• Sound generators worked fine for me but it took me well over 6 months to realize any change for the better.
• CBT did nothing for me.

Keep pushing, one foot in front of the other. Strict routines helped me a lot. Time will work in your favor.

And finally, be kind to yourself. I kept blaming myself for many years until I realized that I will have to live with this for the rest of my life (I am honestly fine with that). I am a big fan of red wine. A half bottle of good red wine was my reward for making it another day.

And then one day, just out of the blue, I got my life back!

And one final thing. We are all here by the same reason and that spells "pain far beyond what we ever felt before in our lives". Please be kind and respectful to each other. We all have to find our own path...

Love and strength! Happy days are coming!

 

[billie48]

Man, I just need to get a grip. The magic help will not arrive. Give up / stop worrying about secondary things. Even give up job if I can't keep it (I should try though to see what happens). And just try surviving day by day. One year, two years, maybe three years. Like @billie48 said. Time might heal.

I understand your frustration and anger with living with both tinnitus and hyperacusis. Please be patient, especially with hyperacusis from acoustic trauma. From many years of reading tinnitus forums, I can generally say that from 9 months to 18 months is the time frame hyperacusis will slowly fade and those strongly unbearable sensations from normal noises will cease to bother you.

As you may have read about my 2 episodes of hyperacusis, you probably know that I struggled mightily the first time it hit me during the first tinnitus episode, an ultra high-pitched tinnitus from my right ear followed by severe hyperacusis. I was basically in similar struggle as you are now, with dark thoughts often, not knowing how to cope, especially not knowing if this could be a lifetime of suffering.

I bought the best ear protection stuff from Sonic Shop in Germany, paying premium price for quality products just making sure they could block off piercingly hurtful sounds. Every setback would get me so depressed and emotionally disturbed not knowing if I would ever get better. I probably overprotected myself, so much so that more experienced members advised me to not over protect to avoid developing sound sensitivity. Gosh! It was such a nightmarish existence. So I have deep empathy for what you are going through.

But in the 2nd hyperacusis episode from SSHL of my left ear, which is still deaf, I was much better prepared emotionally to deal with it. This new hyperacusis hit me after the SSHL shut down my left ear with a new rumbling jet-engine like loud tinnitus from the left ear. So it joined the ultra high-pitched dentist drill like tinnitus in the right ear in a forced internal concert in my head 24/7. The duet of a bass plus a tenor was horrible to deal with, especially with the new hyperacusis. But I had learned enough through the years that if I shut off the negative emotional response, refusing to supply the fuel of extreme stress and anger, these symptoms would likely reduce in intensity over time. I had to convince or fool my brain that these conditions will decrease in intensity over time if I stay calm and positive, and that they are NOT a mortal threat on my survival. So I just comforted myself that in about a year hyperacusis should not be an issue. For my loving family and my own sanity, I would just brave those hurtful sounds without emotional responses. I ignored them as much as I could this 2nd time. My objective was to not let the limbic nervous system flare up which would intensify these horrible sensations. It is the nature of the brain that the minute it senses that, judging from my extremely negative reactions, these symptoms are a mortal threat, then it would magnify the sensations to get me ready for fight or flight response. So I kept calm and remained hopeful during the 2nd hyperacusis episode.

The strategy worked, probably because I had hyperacusis before and its sensations, though hurtful, were not so alien nor never-ending. Such knowledge and experience helped me to stay calm and positive. As I expected, the 2nd hyperacusis faded out even faster than the first episode. In about 9 months, it ceased to bother me. Now I can fly and even watched loud movies like Star War and Avatar sequels. I use my fingers for flights and foam earplugs for the loud movies.

@gameover, please be patient and ignore the setbacks as much as you humanly can. Your loving wife and family are worth all the fight. Think of it like tinnitus & hyperacusis being an attacker to harm your family and bring untold emotionally sufferings to them for life, and it wants to knock you off first as you try to ward off the evil intruder. You want to fight this guy to the last drop of strength to not let him get to your family. That kind of thinking was what had helped me soldier on during the darkest time.

So be patient and stay fighting, and try to fight a smart game with the tinnitus & hyperacusis bully. Give your body as much time as it needs to harden to the new normal and have hope that hyperacusis will fade in due time, making it much easier to cope with the rest. Do go on the trip with your wife. Tell your tinnitus & hyperacusis to take a ticket while you are busy enjoying the trip. Just ignore every negative emotion for the duration of the trip. I literally did that whenever I went on my fishing trips, telling tinnitus and hyperacusis to wait in line and they will have my time after the trip. Of course I would put on earplugs when I went to the rapids to catch salmon. Lol. But I got my break from paying endless attention to tinnitus & hyperacusis.

Have a great trip. Take good care. God bless.

 

[gameover]

@gameover, please be patient and ignore the setbacks as much as you humanly can. Your loving wife and family are worth all the fight. Think of it like tinnitus & hyperacusis being an attacker to harm your family and bring untold emotionally sufferings to them for life, and it wants to knock you off first as you try to ward off the evil intruder. You want to fight this guy to the last drop of strength to not let him get to your family. That kind of thinking was what had helped me soldier on during the darkest time.

@billie48, thank you for the words of reassurance and the reminder what my purpose is. I am really trying. While I am mostly down, I have short - and fleeting - better moments. Mostly when the tinnitus gets quieter which is what it has been doing for the couple last weeks.

Do go on the trip with your wife. Tell your tinnitus & hyperacusis to take a ticket while you are busy enjoying the trip. Just ignore every negative emotion for the duration of the trip.

This is the toughest part. Whenever I do something that reminds me of my former good life, I am liable to burst into crying. Because I remember how good and careless things were, and now they aren't not like that at all.

It's like I dwell on the past that was so happy. I abhor the moment because of this torture. And I fear the future. I try to see the beauty of the moment. And to be honest the only way I can feel something good about this moment is my wife. Even when I look or think about my children, I feel sorrow and pain I've been causing them. I really think I am only alive thanks to my wife. She is a saint, too.

 

[ricky1960]

I'm not sure the doctors know what they're talking about and some of them don't seem to care. I've had tinnitus for 32 years and it hasn't been a big problem for at least half of that time. I had two major spikes (2010 and 2020) that lasted for a few months, made me suicidal, and then receded to a normal level that I could ignore. So I went from normal to suicidal for months and back to normal on two occasions.

I'm now in a third spike which started 7 months ago and I've mostly given up hope that it will recede. Last year I was on no meds, now I take two antidepressants and a benzo. It feels like a "Twilight Zone" episode or a nightmare I can't wake up from. It has ruined me but if I recover, I will live more informed and appreciate it all so much more.

It gets worse with age-related hearing loss and I'm 63, so maybe I'm screwed. Maybe a hearing aid would help?

Like everyone else, I want my old life back.

 

[Hardwell]

I'm not sure the doctors know what they're talking about and some of them don't seem to care. I've had tinnitus for 32 years and it hasn't been a big problem for at least half of that time. I had two major spikes (2010 and 2020) that lasted for a few months, made me suicidal, and then receded to a normal level that I could ignore. So I went from normal to suicidal for months and back to normal on two occasions.

Hi Ricky, not sure I can be much help. But it's comments like yours that at least give me hope, so I wanted to let you know that even though you are struggling, you've provided me some optimism. I'm almost three months into my first ever tinnitus spike after 8 years, so when I see the experienced members talk long spikes like mine returning back to baseline, it provides me some hope.

The first thing I'd do in your situation is to see your doctor if you haven't already and get a hearing test. If the increase is caused by hearing loss, then of course hearing aids is a logical and viable solution to try.

I have searched the forums and spoken with quite a few vets who've had tinnitus for 20-40 years or more. A lot of them have told me about having had tinnitus spikes last 9-14 months. That may be of some comfort to you, that all hope is not yet lost of yours receding back to baseline.

 

[Michael Leigh]

Sorry to hear that you're leaving. May peace find you.

Bye Dave.

The person in question has taken a brief interlude to lick his wounds but I assure you he'll be back. People like that need to vent their frustrations because they have deep rooted problems.

I think @Hardwell explained it extremely well, and I believe this struck a sensitive chord: "your outright blind hatred for @Michael Leigh baffles me, your need to go out of your way to insult his character at any given chance says a lot about your own".

 

[Buddy123]

@gameover, after 8+ months, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can say that I'm a changed person, for the better. The little things that used to bother me in my past life no longer fazes me. After going through this last episode in my life, not much is a big deal anymore.

I'm starting to do more of what I enjoy, and not worrying about the future. Making deliberate changes in my life to reduce stress like taking on less work. I don't want to get stuck in the momentum of working till I drop. I'm also making plans for more vacations, which I've shorted myself in my past life (because I was a workaholic).

So, there are some things that I don't do anymore that I really used to enjoy: loud music, jazz fest, EDM, concerts, movies, Broadway shows, just to name a few). But that's OK because I'm starting to pick up other activities like bike riding, swimming, hiking, trading real estate, etc. that I find very enjoyable.

I hope my recent drastic improvements are sustainable.

 

[Jupiterman]

I had two major spikes (2010 and 2020) that lasted for a few months...I'm now in a third spike which started 7 months ago

Would you mind telling us what events caused these three spikes?

 

[Michael Leigh]

after 8+ months, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can say that I'm a changed person, for the better. The little things that used to bother me in my past life no longer fazes me. After going through this last episode in my life, not much is a big deal anymore.

Congratulations @Buddy123, you are well into the habituation process and doing all the right things and I'm very pleased for you. Please continue with what you're doing and I advise that you don't listen to audio through any type of headphones, even at low volume. By all means go out and listen to music but be careful of overly loud sounds, and don't put all your trust in earplugs.

Best of luck,
Michael

 

[gameover]

@gameover, after 8+ months, I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can say that I'm a changed person, for the better. The little things that used to bother me in my past life no longer fazes me. After going through this last episode in my life, not much is a big deal anymore.

I'm starting to do more of what I enjoy, and not worrying about the future. Making deliberate changes in my life to reduce stress like taking on less work. I don't want to get stuck in the momentum of working till I drop. I'm also making plans for more vacations, which I've shorted myself in my past life (because I was a workaholic).

So, there are some things that I don't do anymore that I really used to enjoy: loud music, jazz fest, EDM, concerts, movies, Broadway shows, just to name a few). But that's OK because I'm starting to pick up other activities like bike riding, swimming, hiking, trading real estate, etc. that I find very enjoyable.

I hope my recent drastic improvements are sustainable.

Happy for you @Buddy123, and envious, too. I honestly do not think I will be able to get there. To be honest, a bad real estate move (buying "temporary" house which was a downgrade) on my end add to my financial as well as living condition worries. It would have been frustrating without tinnitus, now combined it is too hard to bear.

I also realized how thin the foundation of my life was. Maybe it lacked true meaning. Or maybe something broke irreparably. I am lost and tired. And tortured on top of it. Things that annoyed are magnified 10x. And as a result I've not become a better person.

If it goes away, there may be a chance for me, but even then I am not sure this would change me for the better. And that's because I could not shake the fear of it relapsing. Too much of a trauma. I miss silence, I miss music and being carefree about daily life, going places, traveling, enjoying cars, biking, hiking, photography. I did a lot of things with my hands (house work, car work) and I do not believe I would dare and enjoy doing these things when I would be in constant fear of tinnitus relapsing or worsening. Besides, these things I no longer care for. I no longer care for anything. I just feel sadness for my family. I realized futility and fragility of life, and discovering how weak and artificial person I've been, has been extremely demoralizing.

Basically, I lost something essential. Some say "silence is overrated". No. To me the silence - and ability to function in this loud world - are essential to living life. The conclusion is, my life cannot continue. It has been reduced to existing and waiting for a sorry end.

 

[Utdmad89]

Happy for you @Buddy123, and envious, too. I honestly do not think I will be able to get there. To be honest, a bad real estate move (buying "temporary" house which was a downgrade) on my end add to my financial as well as living condition worries. It would have been frustrating without tinnitus, now combined it is too hard to bear.

I also realized how thin the foundation of my life was. Maybe it lacked true meaning. Or maybe something broke irreparably. I am lost and tired. And tortured on top of it. Things that annoyed are magnified 10x. And as a result I've not become a better person.

If it goes away, there may be a chance for me, but even then I am not sure this would change me for the better. And that's because I could not shake the fear of it relapsing. Too much of a trauma. I miss silence, I miss music and being carefree about daily life, going places, traveling, enjoying cars, biking, hiking, photography. I did a lot of things with my hands (house work, car work) and I do not believe I would dare and enjoy doing these things when I would be in constant fear of tinnitus relapsing or worsening. Besides, these things I no longer care for. I no longer care for anything. I just feel sadness for my family. I realized futility and fragility of life, and discovering how weak and artificial person I've been, has been extremely demoralizing.

Basically, I lost something essential. Some say "silence is overrated". No. To me the silence - and ability to function in this loud world - are essential to living life. The conclusion is, my life cannot continue. It has been reduced to existing and waiting for a sorry end.

Get some help.

 

[Tryn2BHopeful]

Basically, I lost something essential. Some say "silence is overrated". No. To me the silence - and ability to function in this loud world - are essential to living life. The conclusion is, my life cannot continue. It has been reduced to existing and waiting for a sorry end.

I am sorry this has happened to you, I am sorry it has happened to anyone in these forums. I know I am a newbie here... The noise in my head drove me to these forums. Just last year I was fighting with Type 2 Diabetes... My blood sugar was and average of 280! I worked my ass off to get to a point where I had it under control without medication and now it's 100 average! I understand there is a bit more control in that situation, but I ended up here... I will be damned if I let this rule my life. I hope in 6 months I am in a better place.

As long as you have been on these forums, I don't think you have wanted to end it. You want it all just to go away, I totally get that (I do too) - but I think you have a lot to live for, but you got to get up and try to move forward. Nobody can truly understand what you're going through other than you, and you need to be the one to take the first step.

Good Luck!

 

[gameover]

Get some help.

Believe me, I tried and am still trying. Just came to see my therapist. Nothing is really working. Well, I am still alive, getting out of the bed, and even taking care of some stuff and errands.

 

[David S]

Believe me, I tried and am still trying. Just came to see my therapist. Nothing is really working. Well, I am still alive, getting out of the bed, and even taking care of some stuff and errands.

And do not blame yourself too much about that. That is how life can be from time to time. Take it day by day and week by week and improvement will come.