Hearing Loss and Severe Tinnitus — From Loving Life to Suicidal in 2 Months

I feel the same. I've tried to talk to people. Gone to several therapists. Even people who are supposed to be specialized in tinnitus. But no one seems to understand. They seem to think tinnitus is in one way and that's it. A sound you can learn to ignore or get used to. Well, it's not that easy. It depends on the severity and/or if there are other symptoms than ”just” the sound, like for example hyperacusis or ear pain or this feeling of ear fullness and/or ”crawling” in the ear.

The therapists I talked to seem to think it's a sound that ”comes to” you and that you can ignore it. No! It's a sound (and a sensation) that is a part of my being. My perception. While in my case I can in some moments and situations be distracted enough to not think about it there is ”no place to land” so to speak. It's always there, waiting when coming out of the distraction. And it makes me feel a bit of brain fog all the time.

I wish you all the best in trying to cope and that it will get better or that some of the treatments on the way will help us. Keep fighting! You are not alone even if that is what it feels like when you're there in your head going on with your day and no one around understands nor can relate.

 

My audiologist even said everyone had tinnitus. Probably based on that stupid study where people without any perceived tinnitus wore earplugs in a silent room for a period of time, and almost all of them reported hearing something. That somehow leads to conclusion and a blanket statement that everyone has tinnitus, which further minimizes the pain people with actual tinnitus go through. What bullshit.

 

Speaking of improvements, - I am having quieter tinnitus for a few recent days and I am seeing some changes. Like last night I had mostly high-pitched tone tinnitus - which I never had before except a fleeting one lasting seconds. My tinnitus was mostly ringing/grinding metallic sound, sometimes static speaker hiss. It was on quieter side, though got louder when I focused on it. Today it's been ringing again and mostly quieter. The morning terror spikes do not seem to be as bad. I think two days ago, I woke up with the morning spike. I guess some positive signs? We will see if they last.

Truth is - which is reflected in my posts - I wallow in pity and despair - and I should find some hope in the improvements.

I actually started to make some changes and find something to get busy - playing online chess. I am not very good at it, and I am getting bored by now, but it kept me somewhat occupied. Not that I forget or really stop noticing tinnitus while playing, but my mind gets occupied with something else.

And I manage to do some overdue things. Like I finally pulled out lawnmower out of the shed. I measured the noise, about 95 dB. Too scary to be on even with double protection (foam earplugs plus the big Peltors). Had to ask my wife to do it. Had to explain to her how to ride the zero turn. She did quite well. Our house looked like a dump with overgrown grass. I hate lawns to be honest (always hated them), my next house will not have any stupid grass to cut. Lawns are the most toxic and polluting things - that includes emissions, pesticides - and our favorite - noise. I admit when I first got that mower two years ago I was cutting grass without hearing protection. Later I was using earmuffs. What an idiot.

 

Sounds like a positive! I hope it continues for you!

 

I hope so. I woke up with bad spike, but had to get going.

I went to get state inspection for a car. Which, by the way, is a stupid and mostly useless racket - does statistical zero for safety and it's just a waste of time. Helps shops to get customers in for extortion. For European folks: it is nothing like inspections in e.g., Germany or UK - which actually do serve purpose and help eliminate junk from the road. But it's Murica - everything is fake and designed to extort money. I digress.

The mechanic is an old and quirky guy, met him few times. Guess what? "Tinnitus loud like door bell". For 50 years. "Has to live with it, no choice".

The guy was using a car tire mounting machine when I came. It is damn loud when you pop a tire bead on the rim.

Do you think he was using hearing protection? Nope.

I am increasingly thinking the damn condition is so common and is behind anger, frustration and other bad behaviors in people. Or tiredness and "don't give a shit" attitude.

 

Right?!?! Here in the US, not sure where you are, it can be state by state. In Tennessee, for instance, you don't need an inspection, you can have your engine strapped to the frame with duct tape. But in other states you will fail for a cracked tail light, or blown license plate bulb!

 

Positive signs. Be careful with your ears and don't overdo.

 

I've seen a therapist online twice.

It took till halfway through my second session with him that he told me he had tinnitus as well. He said he had had it for 15 years, and his hearing had reduced by around half too.

I asked how he managed at the start. He said he just decided that this rumbling noise in his head wasn't going to ruin his life, that he was in control.

He only hears it when he thinks about it. It sounded like a mild stable case to me.

Sure there are loads of people with tinnitus, maybe 1 in 8 I've heard, but most don't have it that bad. These people habituate and move on quicker/quickly and it becomes a nothingness to them/their brain.

 

If mine would pick a steady tone, that would be helpful! EEEEeeeeeeEEEEEeeeeEEEE crackle... EEEEE...

 

I suppose. I have a spike now. I had short sleep last night. I napped in the afternoon. I woke up to blaring tinnitus sapping away any will to live. What a f***ing nightmare.

The people with supposedly loud tinnitus who do not protect baffle me. Like the mechanic guy today or the waiter guy in a restaurant - I went there last night, it was loud enough, like ~70 dB, in our corner away from bar and speakers. Neither of them were using hearing protection.

I am so tired.

I cannot stand the central A/C. It's either the compressor roar in one of the rooms, or the deafening sounded of the air through the handlers. My head is exploding.

I must move somewhere with a quiet mini-split A/C. Otherwise I will commit suicide over this garbage.

In the end it is hyperacusis that will kill me, not tinnitus.

 

The only thing consistent with tinnitus is inconsistency.

I think going to a restaurant is too uncontrolled to be safe for someone with relatively new tinnitus, but you will find your limits by experience. The hard thing for me was linking the experience to my tinnitus level, as there was always a time delta between them. It often could be a day or more between the experience and a spike depending upon how severe the trauma. Of course the hyperacusis is instantaneous, but the long term hyperacusis affect from the trauma is never revealed to me until much later.

I frequently have increased tinnitus from a nap, but I find that if I distract myself with some activity, it will resolve to the prior level in time.

 

I cut grass for 30 years without any problems and no hearing protection. Most ears can handle this but once your ears are weak, you have to be really careful.

I assume you got something like this:

Popular Mechanics: The Best Zero-Turn Mowers

I changed all my lawns to use Husqvarna robotic automower. It works like a dream and is almost completely silent!

This was very similar for me. I could not stand anything over 35-40 dB. The regulation in Sweden declares nothing over 30 dB is ok for ventilation. Now I can handle most A/C but vacuums are still a big problem!

 

@gameover, it's awesome that you taught your wife how to use the lawnmower. She's a good sport to take this responsibility on her shoulders. Not all spouses are as supportive as yours. I say she's a keeper.

Regarding the mechanic, I suspect that people with outdoor jobs might have an advantage when it comes to habituation, since their default level of environmental noise may be higher than that of an office worker or a freelancer who sits around at home, expecting "quiet" to be the norm. I still remember the story that someone on the board told about these construction workers who were cutting stone with no ear protection. They were ridiculously indifferent to the danger.

Just Spoke with Workers Cutting Stones with No Hearing Protection | Tinnitus Talk Support Forum

 

Quick update. This nightmare, my tinnitus, has been slightly less intrusive as of the last couple of days. At night it has been somewhat louder, which is concerning. But it can get quieter during the day and/or I notice it less. Just watched a movie this evening and I have to say there were maybe a few times I thought about the tinnitus. That is marked improvement from any previous movie viewing.

I seem to notice the tinnitus less while driving. It's there but I am getting distracted from hearing it, or like better focused on driving. And I am managing to not be angry when driving.

I guess things fluctuate with not exactly predictable pattern. Hyperacusis has weakened somewhat. I am getting less mad at bikes and trucks, though shitty weather helped keep some of those menaces off the roads. What's new I could tolerate water boiling in electric kettle which has been unbearable only recently. A/C is noticeable and irritating but I do not explode in raging despair over hearing it. So some slow progress I guess?

I am still in the dumpster mentally but maybe slightly better? Less crying. Getting some stuff done around house/cars, though not a whole lot still.

Sleep still with wacky hours, though trying slowly to improve.

Maybe my hope that this becomes somewhat livable has been restored, if ever so slightly?

 

Thanks for the update. This sounds like habituation progress to me. This will continue as long as you are careful.

 

I have been following this thread @gameover and, as someone really struggling right now with a huge tinnitus spike in the left ear caused by an MRI, it fills me with hope. I am also extremely pleased for you when I look at the depths you have gone to and hope in my heart it long continues and, as @Jammer said, you begin to habituate more and more.

 

You are getting better buddy. The progress will now be much faster.

You'll notice that you've been distracted and haven't noticed your tinnitus for 15 minutes, then 1 hour, then days and weeks. In another 3-6 months, you will be at - tinnitus, who cares!

Best of luck.

 

Kinda bad news. The tinnitus has seemed to stabilize for me but at higher volume level. Definitely not mild. I'd say back to severe.

I do not seem to be getting my very quiet nights anymore. It is still reactive. Masking/sound enrichment still make it react, maybe not as much as originally, but more than recently. My sleep has been decent (long enough) even if hours are still shifted (but better, falling asleep between 3-4 am).

While there may be times I perceive it less during the day, the overall situation sucks. I had a serious nervous breakdown today, and had a terrible time getting out of bed. "S" thoughts are back, to be honest. So it is a setback overall.

No obvious triggers or traumas. Been driving my loudish car a bit this week (with protection), but I do not think that directly aggravated things. But then who knows.

Flying today, let's see how that goes. Perhaps the very last vacation in my life.

 

So obvious that this is a trigger for a spike, even with protection. But everyone has to find their triggers through trial and error.

 

No, it won't be the last vacation in your life.

I am sure you have realised by now that it isn't your tinnitus, but your thoughts that are driving you down. The negative emotions and the constant belief that your life is over is what is troubling you.

You might not be able to control your tinnitus, but, you can control your thoughts. It won't be easy in the beginning, but each day will be a little easier than before. You must understand that life is not just about silence. There is so much more to life.

Find a passion and follow it blindly. Take a vacation and visit a remote village. Spend some time in nature. It helps in the longer run. You won't realise it immediately, but over time your thoughts will change and you will feel better.

I know it seems like this is the end. But, it isn't. I ain't saying that just for the sake of it. I have been there, and I understand. Take it from someone who has severe tinnitus, along with OCD and anxiety issues - you will feel better. Just change your surroundings for a while.

G'day.

 

Hi @DeepakB,

I am a CBT therapist and something that I learnt in my consultations is that there are situations that will make you feel miserable no matter what, and having severe and reactive tinnitus is one of them. You cannot think positive when you have a catastrophic situation. You cannot think and feel positive when you or a loved one is tortured. What you are doing is gaslighting and minimising people's suffering.

 

How am I minimising people's suffering?

I am one of them. This is what I do. It works for me. So, why won't it work for someone else?

What is with all the negativity here? It is like you don't want to feel better. I never said it will be easy.

 

This is true, but they've only been on the forum a short while, so I believe they are trying to make an impact. Not sure if they offer good advice for long term sufferers.

But hey, they can take MRIs with a single bound! Impressive.

 

That is the problem right there. You are assuming what worked for your problem will work for someone else's problem - all they have to do is follow your advice. This is what has really agitated some members here in some success stories when someone comes along and says what worked for them will work for everyone else, it's easy, it gets better, etc.

As @gameover suggested, please dial down the toxic positivity, especially in his intro thread.

 

I am assuming that you do not have hyperacusis and/or reactive tinnitus (you said that you had an MRI without wearing hearing protection and your tinnitus did not spike) and probably you do not know what this is about. Please read on Tinnitus Talk about people's experiences with hyperacusis and reactive tinnitus to understand their suffering.

Anyway, for some people, like me, tinnitus is so severe and intrusive that it becomes a form of torture and it is difficult to enjoy and focus on life. It is not as simple as just controlling your thoughts about this torture, or just thinking positive. I wish it was.

 

Perhaps you want to help but you come across irritating and patronizing. You know jack shit about my suffering and making assumptions about me and what silence meant to me. You also lack emphaty, quote, "my dear". Please kindly stay away from my thread.

EDIT:

I was perhaps a bit harsh. It is true that's the reaction your posts evoked in me. That being said I wish you were right. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

Kinda honing this back to where it started. I hope this is a temporary setback for you. I think anyone following this thread is rooting for you, myself included. I can't speak from much experience with tinnitus... I just know the little I have dealt with it, it completely sucks and can upend your life. I have made my only choice to move forward, but I don't know if I will have that same feeling 6 months, 1 year, or 5 years from now. This disorder seems to affect every one differently, and suffering is relative. It makes you wonder on the daily basis what you did to deserve this!

 

Would you count three years as long term, or short term?

Well, we can indeed take any test/procedure with minimal effort. All we need to do is - ask.

Not assuming, hoping.

I never said what worked for me 'will' work for you. Anyway, no more clarifications.

Of course.

I understand that everyone is different and so is their suffering.

I hope you feel better.

You think 'my dear' is offensive?

Anyway, this is your thread. Your wish is my command.

 

I really don’t know what to say other than that I deeply feel for you and hope you’re eventually able to come out the other end of this with your life back on track.

I don’t know what to suggest in regards to getting to that point but the sheer length of this thread conveys how much you’re struggling. I wish I was able to help but what worked for me may not for you, unfortunately.

Stay strong.

 

@gameover, how are you getting on now? This thread seems to have descended into a bit of chaos which is understandable given your struggles. I was super pleased to see your progress after your four (?) months of hell, are you still feeling a slight upward trajectory?