Hearing Loss and Severe Tinnitus — From Loving Life to Suicidal in 2 Months

[Ryan Scott]

Thank you, @Merlin L. No sound therapy, the sounds bother me. I may play some stream running sounds from time to time on really low.

I've had this longer than you (since January), it's very late for a worsening from the original trauma. Must be something I've done along the way. Maybe the 2nd trauma from the tone generator in April.

I am terrified.

To think about all the advice to live "normally" like from Dr. Hubbard - he is a dangerous quack, I so regret paying him money. Please steer away from him. Maybe if you have a mild stable tinnitus he can offer you "therapy". Frankly, if you are in that situation, indeed, suck it up, it is "just a fucking sound". If your tinnitus is severe, or reactive, or you have hyperacusis run from such "experts".

It is pretty interesting how every doctor I have talked to or watched videos on says to live life with your normal everyday sounds and just don't do obvious things like concerts. Like what causes this disconnect between their knowledge and feedback from patients.

 

[gameover]

Like what causes this disconnect between their knowledge and feedback from patients.

Bias. Mild cases which are the majority.

I am again at the end of my rope, I want this to end. I do not want to die, I am too afraid to do this to myself, but I see no other way. Every day is suffering. I won't be able to take it too long anymore.

 

[Utdmad89]

It is pretty interesting how every doctor I have talked to or watched videos on says to live life with your normal everyday sounds and just don't do obvious things like concerts. Like what causes this disconnect between their knowledge and feedback from patients.

I'd think it's because most people who have tinnitus don't have hyperacusis.

 

[Stayinghopeful]

I'd think it's because most people who have tinnitus don't have hyperacusis.

From what I'm reading on here, hyperacusis is the worse of the two, especially in the beginning?

It seems like with time both hyperacusis and reactive tninitus seem to calm down for the majority of people. I could be wrong about reactive tinnitus, I just can't recall many people saying they've had it for 10-20 years.

 

[gameover]

So what do I do next? I feel stuck: tinnitus really bad, hyperacusis got worse, depression worst it has been, tired, no energy to do whatsoever. My summary:

1. I sleep (ok, but bad hours), eat, I may get out for a walk.
2. I am stuck at house near somewhat a busy street where outside traffic noises terrorize me. I sleep in earmuffs in the morning since the traffic bothers me. At least it is quiet at night.
3. I am too afraid to try antidepressants.
4. I stopped taking various supplements, they do not do anything. Eh, drinking St. John's wort once a day still.
5. I tried water fasting for 5 days couple months ago. Tinnitus got quieter then. Maybe I should try again? But I got really weak, dehydrated maybe.
6. CBT etc. was pointless.
7. ENTs, audiologists - nothing they can do (except rip me off with TRT).
8. I am too lazy / no energy to do proper exercise (e.g., stationary bike or running).
9. I am doing almost nothing around the house or cars. A car is overdue for oil change. Need to force myself to do it.
10. I see a pastoral therapist/hypnotist once a week. It does not seem to do much, just an outlet so I can talk.
11. I talk to a friend or two once week. Same old circling about tinnitus and my depression.
12. I have no interest in hobbies. I do not feel like reading or watching movies. Cars too loud and can get me in trouble (accidents, police).
13. I am withdrawn from family life. Just cry to my wife.
14. I am avoiding news, can't stand hearing about the insanity of this world.
15. I am still on leave, may eventually try working, but I fear that day. In this condition I won't last long.
16. I have frequent suicidal ideation thoughts.
17. I am obsessed with spending time on this forum.

As they say, doing same and expecting different results is a definition of insanity. Clinging to the idea that passage of time alone will help is maybe not enough.

I guess I should try exercise, but can't muster energy. I suppose I am waiting for this condition to improve, but it has not really, rather got worse (hyperacusis at least). Leave the forum? What else will I do? Star at the ceiling?

I am so tired I'd rather die. I wish it was easy.

Any other ideas?

 

[gameover]

Definitely more time is needed. At 2 months I was in a mess too. I never thought I could recover and I tended to think those who had written their success stories are either superhuman or they had tinnitus less severe than mine. I was always in bed or in a quiet room, having no interest to engage with life. I had to depend on medications just to stop or make less severe the waves of anxiety and panic attacks. These kind of negative, traumatic reactions are quite normal though for many sufferers of intrusive tinnitus. Many have entertained dark thoughts too.

The most common elements of success is just the passage of time. Not that the tinnitus has reduced over time, but that people's perception of tinnitus generally improves over time. This is evident in many success stories. Perhaps this has to do with the brain being more used to the tinnitus, and that the normal parasympathetic nervous system has returned to replace the fight and flight mode of reaction under the limbic system. The Amygdala, being the fight and flight center of the brain, has yielded to the pre-frontal cortex to process the tinnitus stimulus. This change is significant as the pre-frontal cortex has the natural function to extinguish the fear response, making it much less traumatic for the brain to face up to the same tinnitus.

Whenever you read people say that they are no longer bothered by the same tinnitus, there may be an internal switch in their brain from fight and flight mode of the limbic nerves to the more normal parasympathetic nerves system.

This has nothing much to do with courage or patience. It has more to do with the passage of time. Even when I had learned many strategies from others and tried to practice them, they didn't work in the first few months, no matter how good they were. It takes time and getting back to living, and taking on some interesting projects or hobbies before things will slowly improve. At least that is my experience.

@billie48, I keep going back to this post. When it comes to tinnitus noise, I am just tired of it now, not really anxious. Though I still want it to disappear. So I would not call it "fight & flight" mode. That still applies to hyperacusis, however - whenever some loud noise happens and bothers me, it's certainly an anguished "fight & flight" type of a reaction.

I just wondering where I am with this. I am just very, very tired.

 

[Jupiterman]

I think that severe cases need to rest their ears for a period of time after the loud noise exposure that put them in that state. And this is where the problem comes; no audiologist, ENT, doctor or even Hubbard is going to tell you to rest your ears for a period of time.

It is pretty interesting how every doctor I have talked to or watched videos on says to live life with your normal everyday sounds and just don't do obvious things like concerts. Like what causes this disconnect between their knowledge and feedback from patients.

Bias. Mild cases which are the majority

I'd think it's because most people who have tinnitus don't have hyperacusis.

Everyone in this thread seems to be in agreement on this issue that the professionals appear to convey poor skills in treating severe cases of tinnitus/hyperacusis; that encouraging 'normal' noise exposure is a bad idea, that an 'undefined' period of complete ear rest is necessary.

However, as my father told me many times, "A good man will always doubt himself." So if I were to doubt myself here, I would be questioning and wondering if it's me that has got it wrong and the professionals are indeed correct, that normal exposure is good (essential?) to aid ears recovering, even if you are a severe case with hyperacusis too.

Should we be taking a leap of faith, counterintuitive to the message our ears are telling us and expose more to normal sounds and sucking up the tinnitus increases in the process? Could it be that this indeed is the best way to promote recovery, to accept it will get worse before it gets better?

 

[gameover]

Everyone in this thread seems to be in agreement on this issue that the professionals appear to convey poor skills in treating severe cases of tinnitus/hyperacusis; that encouraging 'normal' noise exposure is a bad idea, that an 'undefined' period of complete ear rest is necessary.

However, as my father told me many times, "A good man will always doubt himself." So if I were to doubt myself here, I would be questioning and wondering if it's me that has got it wrong and the professionals are indeed correct, that normal exposure is good (essential?) to aid ears recovering, even if you are a severe case with hyperacusis too.

Should we be taking a leap of faith, counterintuitive to the message our ears are telling us and expose more to normal sounds and sucking up the tinnitus increases in the process? Could it be that this indeed is the best way to promote recovery, to accept it will get worse before it gets better?

That's Russian roulette, plain and simple, where odds are NOT in your favor. Logic dictates, you should not try. At least too hard. Basically you need to minimize risk as much as possible to avoid worsening and putting yourself into a point of no return and unspeakable suffering, which only death can end. @Jerad's post from the Suicidal thread is very relevant, I will quote it verbatim here:

I tell people how bad hyperacusis and reactive tinnitus can be, but they still don't buy it — those who don't have them, I mean. Ignorance is privilege, but when they're bad-bad, these conditions don't care who you are or what you're about. They can make people and the world itself kryptonite, literally, where everything is off-limits — everything — as sound is everywhere. It's built into the framework so intimately, so thoroughly, that it eradicates life when it becomes a torture device. Everything requires sound … every little thing. When every sound hurts or causes setbacks, you're incompatible. On this planet, there aren't many diseases that make the world itself and the people in it toxic allergies, where your condition gets worse if you don't hide from them; where even protection offers no resolve, no cessation of the hell you're fighting daily. That's inhuman. That's otherworldly. But the combination of hyperacusis and tinnitus are capable of that — the total, seismic destruction of everything — when they're profoundly severe. You're basically on the wrong planet.

But for some reason, they get no respect. People mock them or deny their existence, even though — in all seriousness — they're some of the worst conditions in the world when they reach severe levels. Your quality-of-life goes to 1 or 2%. You can't do anything without worsening; can't even brush your teeth or shower without worsening; can't be around people; can't work; can't even get disability rights because the world doesn't buy it. You're in a state of quicksand, fighting for your life. When they're severe, it's one of the absolute worst situations a person could ever find themselves in, no exaggeration. You're treading on grounds that no mere mortal has ever seen before: displacement from reality; total abandonment from all corners, nooks and crannies, every angle possible. Your life is consigned to hiding. That's all you can do. You're playing hide-and-seek for the remainder of your days, but no one's "it." It's just you, alone, playing with yourself ... a thing of hellish torture.

In life, I used to believe that paradoxes couldn't happen, but I'm beginning to recant that. What we have here — in a raw, demented form — is a true paradox, one that stifles the very construct of creation. If you have hyperacusis or tinnitus, guard them with your life. Do everything you can NOT to worsen. Whatever you lose, you may never get it back. Don't take any risks. If you do, you could meet the darkest shades or shadows that the human experience has to offer — total abandonment, where you lose your place on planet Earth; your sacred, precious life. This is my story; my downfall. Don't be like me. If you have a livable life with mild or moderate symptoms, be happy (if you can). Don't test fate. Let time be your hopeful healer. That's the safest, most secure strategy. But trying therapies could potentially be your downfall, like it was for me. It can lead to a state of degeneration that has no end in sight, where you can't climb out of it. I've talked to so many people who wish they could go back and change things, never trying anything.

Sadly, intervention can be bad with these diseases, even though that runs contrary to most diseases and logic. Usually, intervention is necessary for a disease. There's nothing normal, logical, or human about severe tinnitus and hyperacusis, though. They're on a different level. They defy the laws of nature. With hyperacusis and tinnitus, you can't even trust the doctors usually. These unfortunate, perverse truths are not always true, though, which makes it even worse. Some people can genuinely find things that help, but there's no way to know until you try, and for a lot of people I've talked to, trying was their downfall. So either possibility is relevant. But it's tragic and sad that you're forced to play Russian roulette to find out which is true for you. The shapeshifting qualities of hyperacusis and tinnitus make them unconscionable, and profoundly evil. Best thing to do is keep what you've got if you're mild or moderate. Don't gamble it. You can learn to be happy with time if you're just mild or moderate, maybe even low severe.

 

[gameover]

A miracle needs to happen to save my life.

One of two ways: (1) tinnitus gets lower, as it is there is no way I can habituate to the current level, (2) something indeed changes in the brain that it can start ignoring the noise. I don't believe in (2). Probability of (1) is low.

So likely I am outta here. Not sure how long I can suffer this, but I don't feel I can make it a another six, heck, three months, much less a couple of years, I am sorry.

 

[Ulaid]

I'm really sorry that you're feeling like this. I keep begging my doctor for help. She is going to prescribe me stronger sleeping tablets and she tells me that Susan Shore's device may help me. Please don't give up. I know how hard it is.

 

[gameover]

I had WORST spike of all times. I did not sleep last night at all. I fell asleep later in the morning maybe around 10 am. Slept in earmuffs due to outside noises.

I kept dreaming about horrible tinnitus, in my sleep! For the first time sleep did not bring relief!!!

When I woke up 3 hours later, my head was exploding with loudest most horrible tinnitus sound ever. It sent me into another panic attack. I truly, truly felt like death is coming to get me. I prayed to God loud to spare me.

I went to sleep again for a few hours, and now I did not dream about it and it is slightly better - but still very, very bad.

I just did not think this can get any worse, that quick. I was not exposed to any loud sounds. I really do not understand it, dear people here. I don't. I am stumbling into abyss so quick, it is beyond comprehension.

PLEASE GOD SAVE ME.

EDIT:

It was actually after 11:30 am (I was posting here) when I went to sleep so I slept maybe 2 hours only if that. The short sleep is the killer, it causes massive spikes for me. It was similar with hyperacusis spike last week.

 

[gameover]

It so crazy, I just finished talking over the phone for over 1 hour with a great friend of mine. My tinnitus gets quieter during conversation as usual for me, and even though we have been discussing mostly this issue, it goes into background as I am focused on talking and listening.

I finished this moment and tinnitus is spiking up. It's like my grinders are winding up somewhat slowly but surely. With additional overtones and multiple ringing tones, which is new (I did not have multiple tones so far).

And so does hyperacusis. I am hearing some crazy background noise that I have not heard before. Probably from the fridge in the kitchen, but it's some frequency and tone I have not heard before, it's surely external, not internal. It is nuts.

I am honestly getting worse by the day, by the hour, with brief reprieves and breaks, but with a solid worsening trend. I don't get it. What am I doing wrong?

I need to go to sleep, I loaded myself up with Melatonin, maybe I will fall asleep...

 

[gameover]

I slept better last night. My tinnitus is "normal". Loud, but not spiked. Or maybe somewhat spiked as it is my new mid-day normal.

It is notable how most people are tired of me. In real world as well as on this forum. It makes sense and is inevitable, you get to the point where more and more people stop believing you can be helped and turn away. How else, if you yourself stop believing you can be helped...

 

[Hardwell]

It is notable how most people are tired of me. In real world as well as on this forum. It makes sense and is inevitable, you get to the point where more and more people stop believing you can be helped and turn away. How else, if you yourself stop believing you can be helped...

I get the same feeling, I see people much less now and I can understand they are bored of me complaining about my condition. My partner is very optimistic and supportive but I can see that draining from her. I seem to only see her when she's bringing me meals or coming to bed.

I feel like I'm losing the fight myself here, yesterday I went out to meet work colleagues, I was in a pub garden for 2-3 hours conversing and feeling normal. I've not done anything like that since this spike started 7 weeks ago either.

I got home and I was anxious about being around all that noise but it didn't seem like my tinnitus had spiked despite that being the most noise exposure I've had in ages. I was in pretty good spirits and optimistic about being able to actually return to work.

Doesn't last though, even if the tinnitus doesn't change, the depression is just as much as an animal and kicks you back down.

 

[Michael Leigh]

Doesn't last though, even if the tinnitus doesn't change, the depression is just as much as an animal and kicks you back down.

You are doing well @Hardwell even though you may not think so. Remember what I said to you in a recent post: Don't push yourself too hard. You had a long habituation period of 8 years, the same as me, and then suffered a second noise trauma. The recovery will take time and you will get there, with patience and determination.

Look at the positive things in your life and don't dwell on the negative. This is the reason I advised you to print and refer to my posts: Tinnitus and the Negative Mindset, Acquiring a Positive Mindset, because the healing process begins in the mind.

Since you have a supportive and understanding partner, try and spend some quality time together. Going out for a meal or taking a stroll in the park and relaxing in the sunshine, especially now that the weather is improving. Doing these things will gradually instil positive thinking, it doesn't happen overnight. You spent 3 hours in the pub with friends and having good conversation which is splendid. Slowly build on this and don't try to rush things. You're doing alright so just take things easy. Talk to your doctor about your stress.

Take care,
Michael

 

[gameover]

I get the same feeling, I see people much less now and I can understand they are bored of me complaining about my condition. My partner is very optimistic and supportive but I can see that draining from her. I seem to only see her when she's bringing me meals or coming to bed.

I feel like I'm losing the fight myself here, yesterday I went out to meet work colleagues, I was in a pub garden for 2-3 hours conversing and feeling normal. I've not done anything like that since this spike started 7 weeks ago either.

I got home and I was anxious about being around all that noise but it didn't seem like my tinnitus had spiked despite that being the most noise exposure I've had in ages. I was in pretty good spirits and optimistic about being able to actually return to work.

Doesn't last though, even if the tinnitus doesn't change, the depression is just as much as an animal and kicks you back down.

Yeah, I do not really get any feeling of pleasure or improvement from doing "normal" things. Opposite is true. Well, I go to get a coffee/something sweet from a bakery with outside seating, but that's about it. Restaurants, tried couple times, bother me. Seeing happy normal people bothers me. I am unable to watch a movie, and especially one I saw in the past and liked. Going for a walk to the woods I can do, but it is a reminder of how fucked I am (I'd not be doing these walks everyday if things were normal). Everything that reminds me of my old good life I miss bothers me. I am just stuck in my misery and regret.

Some friends tell me to seek emergency psychiatric care and to allow myself to be drugged. I just do not believe this to be a viable success path for tinnitus-caused depression. In fact I think it will just accelerate my demise. But a friend tells me - well at least we'll know you tried. Like it will be ok to off myself, after trying some drugs.

 

[Hardwell]

You are doing well @Hardwell even though you may not think so. Remember what I said to you in a recent post: Don't push yourself too hard. You had a long habituation period of 8 years, the same as me, and then suffered a second noise trauma. The recovery will take time and you will get there, with patience and determination.

Hi Michael, I appreciate the kind comments, I think this might have been me pushing myself too hard, although it didn't feel too much at the time. The reason I'm very deflated about the experience is because of how optimistic I was that my tinnitus didn't seem to spike. But the next day, roughly 17 hours after coming home from the socialising, I experienced hot ears, cheek and neck, I almost don't want to class it as burning because it wasn't too severe but just very anxiety driving and depressing that it may have been a symptom from the noise exposure.

I've experienced it in periods today as well but not as bad or as long as yesterday, however one of the glands on my neck is huge again so I suspect I may have some kind of infection or illness that could be in play.

I have your material printed out from our first talk, I read it so often that I could probably tell you word for word each article. I'm going to wait to see when these weird sensations die down and then try to expose myself again to see if noise was the cause.

 

[Hardwell]

Some friends tell me to seek emergency psychiatric care and to allow myself to be drugged. I just do not believe this to be a viable success path for tinnitus-caused depression. In fact I think it will just accelerate my demise. But a friend tells me - well at least we'll know you tried. Like it will be ok to off myself, after trying some drugs.

I kind of understand this, I am also avoiding getting any medication due to the fear of worsening my tinnitus. But if I get to the point where I'm ready to take my leave per se, then I will at first at least try and medication available as a last resort.

I haven't watched a movie or any TV for 7 weeks now, and ordinarily nothing distracts me from my tinnitus either, which I why I was surprised about the distraction with work colleagues. The optimism and hope I had after just made it all that much worse when the next day I developed this other shit.

 

[Michael Leigh]

Hi Michael, I appreciate the kind comments, I think this might have been me pushing myself too hard,

If you have been pushing yourself too hard this is understandable @Hardwell but the important thing is not to dwell over it. You have had 8 years of habituation and rightly want to feel the way you did before the tinnitus increased. It will happen but it takes time. You are only 7 weeks in, I know this feels a long time but try to take things slowly and be patient.

Try not to analyse your tinnitus too much as this can induce stress which is something you don't want. If you have a few good days then things suddenly change my advice is to accept it, because this is the way tinnitus behaves during the recovery and habituation process. Talk to your doctor if you are feeling stressed. You might be advised to take prescription medication to help manage this. Please don't be too quick to dismiss medication because they can help prevent you from feeling too down. Herbal medication is an alternative and something to consider if you don't want to take prescription meds. St John's Wort, can be very helpful in keeping a person's mental and emotional well-being on an even keel. Discuss this with your doctor because it's important stress is kept under control, so don't try to tough it out.

It is good that you have printed my articles. Keep them in a folder and refer to them often. They will start to have a positive impact on your mind and help you to engage in things you want to do. Please go to my started threads and read: From Darkness Into Light. It's about Marcus, a member of this forum who had lot of difficulty with the onset of noise induced tinnitus. He got his life back and regularly attends this forum to help people with tinnitus management.

All the best,
Michael

 

[gameover]

I kind of understand this, I am also avoiding getting any medication due to the fear of worsening my tinnitus. But if I get to the point where I'm ready to take my leave per se, then I will at first at least try and medication available as a last resort.

I haven't watched a movie or any TV for 7 weeks now, and ordinarily nothing distracts me from my tinnitus either, which I why I was surprised about the distraction with work colleagues. The optimism and hope I had after just made it all that much worse when the next day I developed this other shit.

It would seem logical to try something at a point where you can say you have nothing to lose. I wonder can one identify that point? Not sure, it is still too terrifying to me.

Hot ears sensation I do not have, objectively I perhaps do not have it that bad, yet I can't cope. I am firmly in the wallowing state. Just came from a short drive to grab a coffee. I keep crying behind the wheel. Yet I can do a lot, including driving. Maybe it spikes the tinnitus but not much.

Indeed, only conversations with people tend to distract me from tinnitus, but I have a hard time not talking about it, so as you imagine it is hard to keep finding willing audience.

It is a crazy mess and vicious circle. Today my tinnitus is on the "normal" level, not low, not high. Hyperacusis also kinda normal/moderate.

Oh, I see a direct and instant correlation between protection and hyperacusis spike. Again this morning, I kept sleeping/dozing with earmuffs on. Hyperacusis quickly spikes, i.e. oversensitivity caused by overprotection is a thing. I do believe it firmly as I have experienced it now a couple of times. Of course, I also had an increase in sensitivity for no apparent reason as well (last week the quick nap without hearing protection), so perhaps it's hard to draw firm conclusions, but I definitely see a pattern.

So overall limiting protection seems to avoid hyperacusis spikes. But then you have to endure unpleasant sounds with the understanding that protecting form them means they will be worse next time around.

I think the answer is a quiet house in the woods, where one would not need to protect from anything at all. Maybe only when dealing with potentially loud/risky activities (being in the kitchen?). And ideally living in a place where no power equipment is needed. No grass to cut, no snow to remove. And with a constant exposure to natural sounds... wind, trees, birds.

 

[Hardwell]

If you have been pushing yourself too hard this is understandable @Hardwell but the important thing is not to dwell over it. You have had 8 years of habituation and rightly want to feel the way you did before the tinnitus increased. It will happen but it takes time. You are only 7 weeks in, I know this feels a long time but try to take things slowly and be patient.

Hi Michael, thank you very much for your reply, after I experienced the burning sensations and genuinely feeling slightly worse. I decided to see my GP again who informed me that my right ear drum is bulging and I have an infection. This may be exacerbating my tinnitus even more than normal and could be the cause of the pub spike. She also believes stopping the nasal spray could be the cause for this 7 week long inflammation and ear infections. I've not seen anyone else have a similar reason for a spike so it'll be interesting.

I am leaning more into medication to help but everytime I see a doctor, they find something physical that could be a causing or continuing factor to my spike, which gives me just enough optimism to then not pursue medication.

 

[Hardwell]

@gameover, sorry brother for my delayed reply, I've been feeling under the weather a bit the last couple of days and have limited my time on this site. Who knew we had time for physical illness alongside this mental torture.

I think there's a balance to be found in regards to protection. I wonder if I didn't protect so much and avoid noise, would my tinnitus not spike as much when I'm exposed to noise? The not knowing until you've risked it and potentially fucked yourself permanently is the mental torture.

Driving 90% of the time changes the tones and spikes me shortly, but that's 70-80 dB and I spend the majority of my time in 30 dB so it's quite a big jump for my auditory system.

I would seriously look at renting a cabin in the woods for a prolonged period of time, I'm doing the same and taking my fishing rods with me for the local lake. I will hear my tinnitus the whole time and it will annoy the shit out of me so I won't relax, but at least I'll take comfort in the fact I'm in a place to attempt reasonable healing.

I hope you're having a much better time the last couple of days.

 

[Michael Leigh]

I am leaning more into medication to help but everytime I see a doctor, they find something physical that could be a causing or continuing factor to my spike, which gives me just enough optimism to then not pursue medication.

Hi Hardwell,

I understand your reasons for not wanting to take prescription medication to help with tinnitus management. Please consider taking something like Kalms. It is herbal and available at most chemists and supermarkets like Sainsbury's and Asda.

Click on my started threads and read: Can Antidepressants and Other Medications Help with Tinnitus?

Take care,
Michael

 

[gameover]

@gameover, sorry brother for my delayed reply, I've been feeling under the weather a bit the last couple of days and have limited my time on this site. Who knew we had time for physical illness alongside this mental torture.

I think there's a balance to be found in regards to protection. I wonder if I didn't protect so much and avoid noise, would my tinnitus not spike as much when I'm exposed to noise? The not knowing until you've risked it and potentially fucked yourself permanently is the mental torture.

Driving 90% of the time changes the tones and spikes me shortly, but that's 70-80 dB and I spend the majority of my time in 30 dB so it's quite a big jump for my auditory system.

I would seriously look at renting a cabin in the woods for a prolonged period of time, I'm doing the same and taking my fishing rods with me for the local lake. I will hear my tinnitus the whole time and it will annoy the shit out of me so I won't relax, but at least I'll take comfort in the fact I'm in a place to attempt reasonable healing.

I hope you're having a much better time the last couple of days.

Sorry to hear about your additional issues.

I am having terrible time. Constantly battling thoughts of needing to end it at some point vs. enduring it for the sake of my family. I know I can't live like this for too long. So the only hope is an improvement. But it can be long. Like in @jjflyman's case it was 2 years after first acoustic trauma. And it was a rare miracle anyway, and I don't believe he had any hearing loss in the normal range. Therefore I don't believe in similar outcome for myself. But I'd need to hang around to be sure. But I really do not know if I am capable of doing it.

The sleep has been bad again. I am so tormented so I can't fall asleep until the morning, so my hours are all messed up. Hyperacusis seems to have improved after reducing protection. I sometimes even drive without earplugs. Driving does not seem to spike me much, though I have not driven longer distance in quite a few days. The level of tinnitus fluctuates, but generally follows the loud after waking up, low late at night pattern still.

I am struggling to do basic things. I need to take care of some car registration/inspection stuff and it feels like a major struggle. I can't imagine moving or even packing for a trip.

I curse the day I did the stupid thing to myself. Completely unnecessary. How much I wish I had known about this condition. The information is there, sometimes in random places. Why, oh why, I did not have the fortune of reading and educating myself of the true dangers of loud noise.

 

[gameover]

In a moments of quieter tinnitus (like now), I want to think constructively about my situation. I have two major issues I think:

1. Anxiety/fear/catastrophizing is back. And strong. I just do not know how to shake these feelings. They make me cry, pace, cause stress. As mentioned I continue to refuse meds. CBT did not work.

2. Hard time with ignoring sound. Well, at least tinnitus is a fairly continuous sound, though it is reactive so that does not help. But it is stable in a quiet environment at least. Despite my everpresent sound sensitivity, I obviously had ability to ignore sounds like white noise, etc. I never liked them, but if they were quiet enough I was able to. The volume is the key. If this damn thing is loud, I just can't. If it's on the quieter side, I sort of can. There is no way I could ignore intermittent sounds like phone beeps or smoke alarm chirps. This is where my years misophonia strikes - it was getting worse and worse for years.

Ultimately I need this thing to be quieter and then I can live somehow. If you asked me in the beginning, I'd probably demand total silence, all or nothing. Now I would just accept quieter tinnitus. I'd not be happy with it, but I could live. At least for some time time.

And perhaps if it was quieter and stable - maybe that would lead to alleviating my anxiety and fear...

 

[gameover]

This issue shows how fragile our lives and minds are. At least for some of us.

Another lovely warm and sunny day. I took my now adult kid for lunch, we sat outside. Yet, I did not really enjoy it. Yes, it was nice. Yes, I can and will have worse moments (I fear them greatly). But it is insane and cruel. I should be enjoying this moment, it's fleeting, there may not be another, who knows. Yet I am filled with sorrow and unhappiness.

I so abhor myself that I am not the person I thought (?) I was. Maybe I deep down knew my happiness is circumstantial. Maybe it wasn't entirely so, but mostly so. And probably become more so as I aged for some reason. Years of stress, work, pursuit of material things probably took a toll. I genuinely thought I wasn't unhappy, but maybe I was and I did not know. Like when I bought a custom ordered fancy car last year that I waited a long time to get (COVID-19 shortages and all), my wife asked upon picking it up "You do not seem very happy?". I remember this quite well. I said something like "No, no, I am happy, this car is really awesome". I maybe thought the experience was marred by a minor cosmetic issue and not exactly friendly dealer person. But maybe this was something deeper in me. I was trying to keep myself happy pursuing material things - and they worked, but only to the limit extent.

But then I truly always have loved my wife and I thought it was the key reason I was happy. I loved her for the person she was, she still is (even more so given how much she is caring for me). Did I love her for what she has done for me? I have this feeling I have not done nearly enough for her. Like it was all about me, all along.

So this injury completely revealed that the king is (mostly) naked. I still like to think that other afflictions I would be able to deal with, some better, some not. Maybe most would debilitate and make me unhappy nearly as much. The cruel irony of tinnitus is that it really hit me hard, exactly where it needed to.

As much as I am torn and weakened in my faith (which like most things about me wasn't deep or strong), I just can't shake the thought, it was an intelligent being that caused this. God? Satan? Some evil spirit? I remember this thought in my head "Maybe do not do this now, you can do it later?". But then a thought in my head appeared: "No, do it now while here." Then I started using the tool, I had this thought: "Oh, it's loud. Let's look for earmuffs". I did. Then I did not find them and thought: "Oh, I always protected my ears, it will fine this one time."

It is just too perfect of a punishment. So perfectly targeted. Of course one can say, that's silly. You live by the tools (and stupidity), you die by the tools (and stupidity), to paraphrase the proverb.

 

[Utdmad89]

This issue shows how fragile our lives and minds are. At least for some of us.

Another lovely warm and sunny day. I took my now adult kid for lunch, we sat outside. Yet, I did not really enjoy it. Yes, it was nice. Yes, I can and will have worse moments (I fear them greatly). But it is insane and cruel. I should be enjoying this moment, it's fleeting, there may not be another, who knows. Yet I am filled with sorrow and unhappiness.

I so abhor myself that I am not the person I thought (?) I was. Maybe I deep down knew my happiness is circumstantial. Maybe it wasn't entirely so, but mostly so. And probably become more so as I aged for some reason. Years of stress, work, pursuit of material things probably took a toll. I genuinely thought I wasn't unhappy, but maybe I was and I did not know. Like when I bought a custom ordered fancy car last year that I waited a long time to get (COVID-19 shortages and all), my wife asked upon picking it up "You do not seem very happy?". I remember this quite well. I said something like "No, no, I am happy, this car is really awesome". I maybe thought the experience was marred by a minor cosmetic issue and not exactly friendly dealer person. But maybe this was something deeper in me. I was trying to keep myself happy pursuing material things - and they worked, but only to the limit extent.

But then I truly always have loved my wife and I thought it was the key reason I was happy. I loved her for the person she was, she still is (even more so given how much she is caring for me). Did I love her for what she has done for me? I have this feeling I have not done nearly enough for her. Like it was all about me, all along.

So this injury completely revealed that the king is (mostly) naked. I still like to think that other afflictions I would be able to deal with, some better, some not. Maybe most would debilitate and make me unhappy nearly as much. The cruel irony of tinnitus is that it really hit me hard, exactly where it needed to.

As much as I am torn and weakened in my faith (which like most things about me wasn't deep or strong), I just can't shake the thought, it was an intelligent being that caused this. God? Satan? Some evil spirit? I remember this thought in my head "Maybe do not do this now, you can do it later?". But then a thought in my head appeared: "No, do it now while here." Then I started using the tool, I had this thought: "Oh, it's loud. Let's look for earmuffs". I did. Then I did not find them and thought: "Oh, I always protected my ears, it will fine this one time."

It is just too perfect of a punishment. So perfectly targeted. Of course one can say, that's silly. You live by the tools (and stupidity), you die by the tools (and stupidity), to paraphrase the proverb.

You need to get some mental health help. This site won't answer all your questions.

 

[gameover]

You need to get some mental health help. This site won't answer all your questions.

Yep. Failing at finding it.

But also I need to stop the self-pity carnival here for sure. It gets boring and annoying. I would certainly find it so.

 

[Utdmad89]

Yep. Failing at finding it.

But also I need to stop the self-pity carnival here for sure. It gets boring and annoying. I would certainly find it so.

It's not about self-pity mate, we all know how shit tinnitus is on here. I just think if you could find some help, you'll have an easier time when you're feeling low.

 

[slc]

Hello, I have been dealing with tinnitus for over 10 years. The first 6 months of catastrophic tinnitus and hyperacusis were absolute hell. I lost 30 pounds from 155 to 135 or less because I couldn't eat. I was unable to sleep. I had panic attacks. I had symptoms of heat stroke that I NEVER had before. Crying and lots of suicidal ideation.

Hyperacusis ended on its own after about 6 months.

Since then things have been up and down tinnitus-wise. Some years where I was maintaining at about 4 or 5 out of 10 (livable) and others, like this year where I've been up to 8 out of 10 due to the acoustic trauma of a really loud smoke detector alarm. Those things should be illegal. Major hazard for anyone at that decibel level.

In any case, I want to offer some things I do that help me get through the day:

• Sound enrichment. You can download TinnitusPlay app for iPhone (or download ocean, river type sounds on any phone). I have the sound machine in my bedroom on 24 hours a day. That way, it's all set for sleep.
  
  
• Consider hearing aids with Bluetooth that also play pink noise (not my favorite but slightly helpful when compared to blaring screeching tinnitus alone). What's brilliant is with Bluetooth, you can play your favorite flowing water sound. Treble Health offers a package of hearing aids/maskers and counseling. Even though, I had been around the block for ten years, it was still somewhat useful to work with a counselor/audiologist who understood tinnitus. Some of their audiologists have tinnitus. I think Treble Health oversimplifies matters and their "success" rate measurements don't meet those of a peer-reviewed study, but the two times a month support group can be useful, just hearing and seeing other people with tinnitus with good facilitation by an audiologist so it's not simply folks bitching and freaking each other out, but looking for constructive ways to deal.
  
  
• Valerian might help with sleep, but given major fight or flight, that's hard to say.
  
  
• Ayurveda (Indian subcontinent approach to medicine). Here are some pointers from Ayurveda (and Chinese medicine acupuncture as well):

• You can oil your scalp with brinjaraj oil or vata oil, both available from Banyan Botanicals. Sesame oil (NOT the spicy kind but just the regular cooking type) will do in a pinch. Oil on the butt crack is super soothing as well. Also on the soles of the feet. Obviously, shower all this off after!
  
  
• In the winter, eat soothing warming foods such as soups. Now, that it is summer, it still may help to have hot cereal with turmeric and cardamom, anything to help calm the sympathetic nervous system and boost the parasympathetic. Likewise have warm milk with turmeric and nutmeg before bed (if you like milk). Avoid large amounts of ice cream (OK, I had some today!), sugar, alcohol, caffeine.
  
  
• Walks in green forested locations, gardening to keep occupied but also dig in the dirt... all help keep one grounded.
  
  
• If you can afford it, a trip to India for panchakarma may help a good deal. I had a great experience spending 6 weeks at the Ayusha clinic in Kovalam, Kerala. My tinnitus went from about 7 to 4 and stayed lower for about a month after I came back home (to the tensions of the COVID-19 epidemic unfortunately). Panchakarma consists of daily full body oil massage which is super soothing, warm oil dripped on forehead, steam bath, good diet, yoga if you wish. All intended to calm nervous system.

To sum up, download some ocean sounds to your phone and play them to help with sleep and during the day. I would be careful about earbuds, but use something safer like hearing aids/maskers that allow you to hear what is going on around you. Bose used to sell Bose Sport Open Earbuds (but took them off the market). Might be worth scoring a pair off eBay or some such. (Note: I haven't used them because I have hearing aids with Bluetooth, but they seem worth checking out).

Good luck.