Hearing Loss and Severe Tinnitus — From Loving Life to Suicidal in 2 Months

[gameover]

Sunny day and driving in town and just as I come upon the local fire department, out rolls the ladder truck, sirens full tilt. I had to pull over right then and didn't get the windows up in time. Also waiting at a red light, windows down and the big rig on my right blew their horn because person in front of them was day dreaming in the right hand turn lane. Now I drive with windows up and 33 dB earplugs in.

Building security alarm sounded at work and the loud speaker was ten feet behind my desk. Fucking loud, high pitch shriek that lasted 5 minutes. Happened twice. It was an unannounced test both times.

I dropped a glass in the sink. Wife dropped dinner knife into sink and also dropped a broom handle next to me. I dropped crockpot lid on the kitchen tile. Smokey cooking setting off house fire alarms; batteries now removed.

Heavy metal door slammed behind me at work. Pallet was dropped next to me in shipping/receiving. Taking a walk between buildings at work just a car with tremendous squeaky brakes stopped by. Ear piercing noise. Car alarms too. Sirens on emergency vehicles suck also.

Next door neighbor was using a rented hydraulic log splitter. Peaked over the fence just to see what was happening as he loaded a big log and it made a big ass clunk. Stupid me.

Fireworks during the holidays, even if I'm inside with the windows closed. Fucking loud booms. I have stopped eating out; loud music now is the norm in most places.

I'm sure I'm missing some, but these are the events that have incrementally increased my tinnitus to the level it is at now. Shit that happens in the city. I now wear earplugs anytime I'm outside, which really sucks because there is no ambient noise to help distract from the screaming tinnitus. I wear them in the shower too, mainly due my hyperacusis.

This is horror, truly. That's why it seems we should isolate in wilderness. But even then a stupid knife or broken glass can get you.

So far I do not seem susceptible as much. I don't really get obvious, even temporary, spikes from somewhat louder noises. I wasn't exposed to anything particularly loud (except the stupid tone generator I played too loud), but in a fit of rage I slammed some doors really hard on me and also yelled. Outside, except walking in the woods I tend to wear earplugs.

Sounds positive and a good thing to keep doing as long as you're sensible. Are you able to go hiking and out in nature? That's good natural exposure as well.

I would think that visiting your friends would do wonders for your mental health?

I take 1 hour walks in the woods almost daily. My mood is so destroyed that they hardly help. It takes 15 minutes to stop hearing the fucking hellish roads with the fucking trucks that goes by the forest. So maybe only half an hour I don't hear the fucking hell of civilization, unless some menacing small plane flies by, which they do often. I fucking hate diesel trucks. Sound of devil.

Wonders to mental health? I don't know, man. I keep complaining and looking for sympathy. Easily half of the time I spent talking about tinnitus + hyperacusis. Ironically, this is the couple, where the man also got tinnitus + hyperacusis recently (I mentioned him earlier), kind of out of the blue. And it is bothering him. But he is taking it in stride, living his life, not giving up, not wallowing in self-pity unlike me.

I'm sorry to hear that @gameover. I'd say hopefully selling the car would be somewhat a distraction but I imagine you're selling it due to the tinnitus, so it's still going to be in the back of your mind. If you find yourself going even a couple of minutes fully distracted from your tinnitus, then absolutely make a mental note of that because it shows you have the ability to tune it out. I know how difficult it sounds, but the first time I got it, all I wanted was for it to go away. Only when I gave up on wanting to get rid of it, did I start to habituate and the noise itself started to fade.

Yes, I just auctioned off one of my prized highly collectible cars. Frankly I was planning on selling this one anyway before this happened. But I will be trying to sell a couple more cars I literally planned to keep with me forever. Especially one, seriously it's the kind of a car I would easily keep running for the next 30+ years.

But I also just sold the car that "did this to me". It was a gift to my wife, a little convertible. Should have bought a new one, instead of this crap which had some rusted bolts in the suspension that I wanted to get loose. I cry, I cry, I cry.

I also wanted to touch on @Jammer and his events of worsenings. I know they will not be an easy read for you and you'll feel even more hopeless about the future. I just wanted to say that pretty much everything he experienced that made him worse, I've encountered 100s of times with no effect. You absolutely should be careful because they can worsen you, but everyone's ears are different and you may not be as vulnerable.

I do expect your tinnitus to fade in due course and for you to habituate to whatever level that might be left. And you, of all people, will certainly learn from this experience and take good care of your ears in the future.

Yeah, @Jammer's story is horrifying. As mentioned so far I do not seem to be that vulnerable, but of course I should be careful.

The problem is I am a broken man. Broken soul, broken heart, broken mind. Even hugging my lovely wife feels broken now. Painful. Getting out of bed on this sunny May day feels broken. I only got out because this man came to buy her car.

I am overwhelmed by sorrow, pain, suffering. Anger is weakening, because I am tired. I don't feel like living. Friends are turning away. My wife is beyond tired of me. I am sure good people on this forum are having enough of my lamenting.

I keep researching suicide methods. Though the thought itself is really repulsive and terrifying to me.

Having your sense raped like this is quite something. Stupid ears and brain.

Does it apply to other senses? I suppose there are hallucinations, seeing things that are not there. But that's purely mental disorder. You won't get it because, I don't know, you expose your eyes to some kind of light or things. I guess you go blind or damage your vision when look e.g., at sun. Apparently there is phantosmia - smelling things that are not there. That would be annoying, too. Same for taste - phantom taste perception. And then tactile hallucinations, feeling sensation of being touched by things that are not there.

All sound scary and annoying, but I guess the key difference is, tinnitus is for majority of the people perfectly preventable. If we only knew.

 

[Jammer]

I also wanted to touch on @Jammer and his events of worsenings. I know they will not be an easy read for you and you'll feel even more hopeless about the future. I just wanted to say that pretty much everything he experienced that made him worse, I've encountered 100s of times with no effect. You absolutely should be careful because they can worsen you, but everyone's ears are different and you may not be as vulnerable.

I do expect your tinnitus to fade in due course and for you to habituate to whatever level that might be left. And you, of all people, will certainly learn from this experience and take good care of your ears in the future.

My list of tinnitus inducing events, the ones that you experienced as well, all added only small, almost imperceptible increases to my overall permanent tinnitus load, but each came with a massive, nasty spike that took time to settle. Oftentimes, while settling down from one spike, other acoustic traumas would happen, that would spike it again and then add the permanent tinnitus load.

It took years to build up to my now debilitating tinnitus, but along the path to where I am now, I was aware that this monster was eating into my life and changing me into the unrecognizable husk of the man I was before.

I'm happy that you have more robust hearing or reduced tinnitus effect than I do. As you say, everyone is different and something that gives me hell on earth may not cause a blip to someone else. Really sucks for me and only acceptance has given me any comfort in regards to living with this high level of tinnitus.

 

[gameover]

So yeah, the lesson being, this is the choice to be happy or not?

Lovely sunny day. The buyer picked up the collectible car. Transaction went well. The other buyer is picking up the "cursed" car tonight. Look, how effective I am. Taking care of shit.

Tons of other shit to sell. Probably too much for me to handle. At least need to get rid of the big ticket items (cars), otherwise my wife will be ripped off by those fucking vultures. Smaller stuff, too bad. Write off.

I am sitting outside at this fancish pub in a posh town. Drove in my 6 figure car. And I am profoundly sad. I would fucking give up everything to have my healthy ears back.

I know I am a fucking whiner. While by no means rich, I am easily in top 5% in the U.S., which places me in the very top worldwide. There are sufferers on this forum on the verge of homelessness, if not homeless already.

Oh, sometimes I feel this is a punishment by God. For being selfish, not helping those in need. Or at least doing it very rarely. Especially that I was not completely blind and unware of suffering around us. Kinda makes me worse, right?

That what religious indoctrination does to you, doesn't it? God is likely bullshit. Or at least the Christian's idea of him. Nobody knows in the end.

Being out there in this world in this condition, and noticing all these loud environments is a bit surreal.

All these happy, oblivious people. Chances are most of them will be just fine, but some will not. As this world becomes louder, there will be more and more victims joining our ranks. Maybe later in life, but they will. Just think about it... loud cities, open offices, relentless music in restaurants, insanely loud pubs (seems to be New England's fixture), blaring emergency vehicle sirens, deafening backup beepers, obnoxious ads and music at gas pumps, personal music players with yet-another-wireless-fuck-me-in-the-brain-multiple-ways Apple ear fuck pods, fucking rednecks with their trucks and subwoofers, Harleys, diesel trucks, fucking wind chimes in parks or forests (in "memory" of some dead person, usually), obnoxiously loud heating and cooling systems at homes and offices.

Oh, this reminds me of this corporate nonsense. My employer obviously embraced open offices years ago, because "collaboration" and other bullshit. Not only has this been scientifically disproved (there was some Harvard research done on this), i.e. it actually inhibits collaboration and communication, increases sickness and absenteeism, and simply makes people unhappy - consciously or not - and thus less productive (ergo, lower profits, fuckers!).

The best part that this fucking company while swimming in money, would really cheap out on those open spaces. Absolutely no sound insulation of any kind, no suspended ceilings - all HVAC equipment is exposed right above your head and if you are unlucky sitting closer to a mechanical unit, you will be deafened by its mechanical noise.

But wait, it gets better. Those fucks on purpose install WHITE NOISE generators in those spaces... in order to "reduce noise distractions". Can you fucking believe it? We had to sabotage those (disconnect), because it was beyond infuriating and distracting. The facilities people would go ballistic if you mentioned it bothers you. Telling them, if someone needs more noise, it's easier to add it (via headphones, say), than to remove. Their answer would be: "no, no, get noise-cancelling headphones". To their credit, they would even provide you with them. This is a real story. You cannot make this shit up. Dilbert has nothing on the contemporary corporate reality. It surpassed it, a long time ago.

Basically the world went mad, it is like hell bent to fuck you with noise at all times. I really wonder, especially when it comes to corporate leadership, are these people that stupid? Or are they actually evil? I am increasingly leaning towards the latter.

At the end of the day, I feel really, really stupid. And unlucky. Some noises bothered me for years - misophonia - but it was a warning that I did not heed. Lesson: listen to your body. And research/understand the clues.

I feel I missed my chance just by a tiny bit. I did not buy that house in the middle of the woods when I had a chance. And I did not realize the dangers of using loud tools. I could have continued to lead a happy - and protected if somewhat insulated life - limiting my exposure to the madness of this world. But I failed, tripped. Did not manage to hide. Because I was in a hurry.

Now, being injured, I do not believe I can hide anymore. Too late. I can try to run, but unless a miracle happens I won't be able to hide. The only true escape might be death. Which is really sad.

As I keep spitting out all these posts (I never was much intro writing, really), I wonder why. Does it help me? Or rather reinforces my progressing insanity?

Looking at @Bam's old thread, he classified people on this forum into 4 categories:

A) hardcore as hell and deserve to be knighted, given a large haul of medals and a castle.
B) scared shitless of suicide
C) lying about how bad your tinnitus is, or
D) a weirdo attention seeker, troll, hypochondriac with mental problems.

I am certainly not in A. That's @billie48, @Jazzer, @Jammer and others here. I guess I am in B, at least partially. Certainly not in C - tinnitus + hyperacusis is really bad, at least I how I perceive it. Do I belong to D as well? Maybe I do.

I wish @Bam was still around us, his writings are relatable. But I suppose he found peace on the other side.

 

[Hardwell]

The problem is I am a broken man. Broken soul, broken heart, broken mind. Even hugging my lovely wife feels broken now. Painful. Getting out of bed on this sunny May day feels broken. I only got out because this man came to buy her car.

I completely understand, pretty much everyone on this page goes through those first stages, so when they tell you things can get better, they've been through the exact same process, I assure you.

I would advise you don't look up suicide measures, at first it might give you reassurance that you aren't ready for such an act. But if you keep looking and researching, you will desensitise from the fear of such an act and then it's a hard road back.

I know blind people, terminal people, and I also have a friend that has been paralysed from the neck down since the age of 16. Trying to compare my suffering to theirs doesn't make me feel any better about my situation.

I think you should keep hold of your most prized possession, tell yourself you'll hold onto it for a year instead. I'm fairly confident in a year's time you won't even be contemplating selling it, not for tinnitus reasons anyway.

I'm happy that you have more robust hearing or reduced tinnitus effect than I do.

I apologise @Jammer, I don't think I am as robust any more unfortunately. While nothing has spiked me before, I've had my first spike for 5 weeks now which has brought on many tones, a reactiveness and other horrors. I may not have had any issues in the past but my lack of care may well have put me in this position now.

 

[Jupiterman]

I would fucking give up everything to have my healthy ears back.

It's horrible what you're going through and I admire your complete honesty and openness on this forum.

Please understand something;

You may only need to give up the next 12 months of your life for your ears to improve. And there may even be complete resolution (take @jjflyman for example). That certainly is not 'everything,' though will require extreme patience. You cannot hurry this.

There are people here, who by your own admittance, whose ears are in a worse state than yours - they have less chance of improvement.

Whatever you do in anger or frustration - PROTECT your ears at all costs!

It took years to build up to my now debilitating tinnitus, but along the path to where I am now, I was aware that this monster was eating into my life and changing me into the unrecognizable husk of the man I was before.

That is a warning for us all.

If you could go back and do it all again, is there anything you would change, e.g., job, socialising?

 

[gameover]

It's horrible what you're going through and I admire your complete honesty and openness on this forum.

Please understand something;

You may only need to give up the next 12 months of your life for your ears to improve. And there may even be complete resolution (take @jjflyman for example). That certainly is not 'everything,' though will require extreme patience. You cannot hurry this.

There are people here, who by your own admittance, whose ears are in a worse state than yours - they have less chance of improvement.

Whatever you do in anger or frustration - PROTECT your ears at all costs!

Ack. It just does not feel like it would improve. But yes, I am holding out that tiny bit of hope, and I am trying to cope with it in the meantime. I am not really good at coping.

@jjflyman's story is uplifting, but even him had serious setbacks. So it wasn't true recovery. I guess true recovery is impossible, just a remission of symptoms.

 

[Jammer]

If you could go back and do it all again, is there anything you would change, e.g., job, socialising?

Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, here's what I would change:

From my youth, I would eliminate:

• Loud music events
• Listening to loud music
• Playing bass guitar in garage bands
• Riding motorcycles

Middle age, I would:

• Stay away from loud house parties
• Stop riding motorcycles

Elder years, I would:

• Not work at my last employer due to suffering many acoustic traumas at work, including the one that ended my working career
• Stop riding motorcycles

Maybe if I stopped riding motorcycles as a kid, I might not be here now, but you never know what tipped the scales.

 

[gameover]

Certainly a good list of things. Myself, yeah, I was riding mopeds and motorbikes as a kid/youngster. It wasn't really that loud. Some concerts, but again, for the past 20 years I always used earplugs.

For me it was ONE event. And perhaps aggravated by the sinus infection I had at the time of loud noise exposure. Having had perfect hearing and perfect silence, I am like 99.9% confident that if it was for such noise exposure, I'd be fine for the rest of my life. Yeah, nobody can be certain... maybe COVID-19 could have gotten me. But that's a maybe.

 

[Hardwell]

Maybe if I stopped riding motorcycles as a kid, I might not be here now, but you never know what tipped the scales

Pains me to see you type that. But I guess I would sell my bikes in a heartbeat if it meant my tinnitus would settle back to its previous level.

 

[gameover]

Tinnitus makes no sense. I just came back from a short car ride to a walk in a forest. Now my tinnitus is much louder, loudest today, including morning, which is unusual.

Well, earlier in the day I was bombing in my vert even with top down at (very high) highway speeds, and it seemed just fine (wearing foam earplugs). It wasn't long, maybe 15 minutes. But maybe it's a delayed spike from that? I am probably tempting my fate.

I would advise you don't look up suicide measures, at first it might give you reassurance that you aren't ready for such an act. But if you keep looking and researching, you will desensitise from the fear of such an act and then it's a hard road back.

I am horrified reading forums related to that. Bunch of young kids. Like my kids or younger! It is beyond horrifying. And it seems it is 90% about mental, social, familial issues. Not physical diseases or pain. My God, why?

And to think if I check out, what will it do to my kids? They may start checking such forums. That's beyond terrifying. I will give myself time to heal/habituate. But I cannot promise to endure the torture "forever".

I know blind people, terminal people, and I also have a friend that has been paralysed from the neck down since the age of 16. Trying to compare my suffering to theirs doesn't make me feel any better about my situation.

Right. One just can't truly understand another's suffering. If you suffer(ed) from something similar, you can relate at best.

I think you should keep hold of your most prized possession, tell yourself you'll hold onto it for a year instead. I'm fairly confident in a year's time you won't even be contemplating selling it, not for tinnitus reasons anyway.

Well, I have too many anyway. One or two more need to go. One of them is simply too loud, so driving it would be too irresponsible. I will keep another one I think as my prize and hope for a better life again (a brand new one, so least likely to have issues, do not have energy for dealing with issues). If that does not come, well, I can sell it later indeed, or maybe my wife will be able to keep it and drive it for a bit. It is one that would be easiest to sell by her, should it come to that.

 

[momus]

Yes, I would sell my eBike too, but it won't make a bit of difference w/ my tinnitus, and I LOVE riding that thing! Such freedom. It's a serious as hell form of meditation because if you lose your attention, you may lose your life, so focus is a big deal. Everything's a risk. People get killed walking across the street every day w/ their headphones stupidly turned up high.

I used to love riding my Kawasaki at 140 MPH, but those days are behind me. It would be fun on a race course where I wouldn't have to worry about some car pulling out in front of me. But come to think of it, I never did open it up like that unless I was on a highway, and there were no cars there to turn in front of me. Even though things happen a lot faster on a motorcycle compared to an eBike, the motorcycle feels safer because you can sometimes power your way out of a bad scene. On the 30 MPH eBike, you are 100% defensive w/ no margin for error.

I still live my life pretty much as I always have before I got tinnitus, other than w/ that loud noise thing. At 71 I still feel like I'm 17 (at least that's what my brain says, and my body thinks my brain is nuts). You can either live life each day like it means something, like it's special, or you can die a little each day out of fear and trepidation.

The death of a thousand cuts sounds like a bad way to go. I remember when growing up, it seemed that some teenagers I knew were already like little old men. That was the true tragedy, to be old too soon and never be young. I never knew any old lady girls growing up. Girls are born to be wilder then guys from day one. They're all dangerous too, especially the mousy librarian types w/ glasses, knee socks and loafers. Much more dangerous than an eBike or a dozen motorcycles. And they know it too.

 

[Strawberryblonde]

If you could go back and do it all again, is there anything you would change, e.g., job, socialising?

If I could back, I would never touch headphones, I would get my anxiety and health issues sorted properly instead of doctors just brushing my concerns off. Instead I used music as a distraction while isolating myself from life. I certainly would not be where I am now if I had sorted myself out. That's a hard pill to swallow when it hits you and you end up with an electricity cable running through your head. Sorry, I just needed to rant today.

 

[Hardwell]

Tinnitus makes no sense. I just came back from a short car ride to a walk in a forest. Now my tinnitus is much louder, loudest today, including morning, which is unusual.

It certainly does not make sense, the more I think I know, the less I actually do. After my walk in nature, that seemed to provide me great relief and lift my spirits a bit, I spent all of yesterday with the worst tinnitus I've had since this started. Do I have to spend my life indoors plugged up for moderate suffering? Or have a day of relief here and there, only to suffer severely after?

Well, I have too many anyway. One or two more need to go. One of them is simply too loud, so driving it would be too irresponsible. I will keep another one I think as my prize and hope for a better life again (a brand new one, so least likely to have issues, do not have energy for dealing with issues). If that does not come, well, I can sell it later indeed, or maybe my wife will be able to keep it and drive it for a bit. It is one that would be easiest to sell by her, should it come to that.

This is exactly the right approach, you need to start looking beyond and planning stuff for the future because there is a future. I know this is easier said than done and quite honestly I'm probably at my worst the last couple of days so I should attempt to take my own advice I'm giving you.

And to think if I check out, what will it do to my kids? They may start checking such forums. That's beyond terrifying. I will give myself time to heal/habituate. But I cannot promise to endure the torture "forever".

It's not uncommon for younger children to follow the actions of their parents. Speaking from first hand experience, I know of a father who took his life and his 17-year-old son took the same decision the year after. So the wake of destruction is certainly something to consider. I think by promising yourself time to heal/habituate, you are much much more likely to reach that than you are suicide, I am confident.

 

[gameover]

It certainly does not make sense, the more I think I know, the less I actually do. After my walk in nature, that seemed to provide me great relief and lift my spirits a bit, I spent all of yesterday with the worst tinnitus I've had since this started. Do I have to spend my life indoors plugged up for moderate suffering? Or have a day of relief here and there, only to suffer severely after?

This is exactly the right approach, you need to start looking beyond and planning stuff for the future because there is a future. I know this is easier said than done and quite honestly I'm probably at my worst the last couple of days so I should attempt to take my own advice I'm giving you.

It's not uncommon for younger children to follow the actions of their parents. Speaking from first hand experience, I know of a father who took his life and his 17-year-old son took the same decision the year after. So the wake of destruction is certainly something to consider. I think by promising yourself time to heal/habituate, you are much much more likely to reach that than you are suicide, I am confident.

I am just too tired. Another day, waking up to this noise. I am so tired. And being tortured by planes and bikes. I do not know how long I can go.

 

[gameover]

I used to love riding my Kawasaki at 140 MPH, but those days are behind me. It would be fun on a race course where I wouldn't have to worry about some car pulling out in front of me. But come to think of it, I never did open it up like that unless I was on a highway, and there were no cars there to turn in front of me. Even though things happen a lot faster on a motorcycle compared to an eBike, the motorcycle feels safer because you can sometimes power your way out of a bad scene. On the 30 MPH eBike, you are 100% defensive w/ no margin for error.

Cars are (were) my passion, but I stopped going to track like 13 years ago. I only did few high performance driving education events. Actually I concluded, it's too costly and too risky. In reality the risks may be lower than on the street. Even though I am always super focused and concentrated on the street, and try to anticipate what others do, one cannot control everything. And then I can go in triple digit speeds frequently - even more now and in traffic. I should not be doing that. I guess I became more reckless and less risk averse. 140 MPH in car is fun, but probably nothing like on a bike.

I still live my life pretty much as I always have before I got tinnitus, other than w/ that loud noise thing. At 71 I still feel like I'm 17 (at least that's what my brain says, and my body thinks my brain is nuts). You can either live life each day like it means something, like it's special, or you can die a little each day out of fear and trepidation.

This is the part where I fail. I also always thought about myself as being young still. Damn, I am, technically. I was energetic, hard working, happy overall. Having great health helped that. Occasional back pain after lifting or crawling under the car, nothing major. As I approached 40s, I was kinda surprised that young people do not treat me quite as a peer. WTF is wrong with them? I am not that old.

Now this torture made me sad, bitter, angry, robbed of my life, starring into abyss of sorrow, despair, joblessness, eventual poverty. Ending it seems logical in this state, however scary.

Yeah, I should give myself 6 months, 1 year, perhaps two. It is going to be tough. But if I have any significant setback, and god forbid pain hyperacusis, I think this will be it.

I hate, I hate the day I ended up fucking my life. 2023, fucking worst year of my life.

 

[Hardwell]

I am just too tired. Another day, waking up to this noise. I am so tired. And being tortured by planes and bikes. I do not know how long I can go.

I completely understand, I'm sure there has to be a turning point somewhere down the line. I just know this ain't linear and you have good and bad days. Hopefully we've both got some good days on the near horizon.

 

[gameover]

I completely understand, I'm sure there has to be a turning point somewhere down the line. I just know this ain't linear and you have good and bad days. Hopefully we've both got some good days on the near horizon.

Honestly, I hardly remember what a good day is. During the first month, while I was still hopeful this can go away, there were some good days still. Heck, I was still shopping for another car to add to my collection. Almost bought it, but the day after the first visit to the ENT - when the reality of hearing loss hit me - I realized that is not a good idea. So glad, because I'd have one more car to get rid of and lose money.

Maybe during the 2nd month, I was working still, had some good stuff happen at work. But since then it has been a descend into the abyss. Including losing my faith, which to be honest hurts a lot, more than I thought.

So the thing about tinnitus, I hate it, but I admit that it is possible to not "notice" it at times, especially when it seems quieter and you get busy with something. It does not last that long, but it is possible.

It is impossible with hyperacusis. If something is there that is loud, it is loud. Earplugs help, but then tinnitus gets louder and harder to ignore. Damned either way. I need that place in the woods, no road noise and hopefully no small menacing planes. Why these people need to fly these things? It serves no purpose most of the time. Useless humans and their pointless (and harmful) entertainment.

So regarding this going away, I was searching high and low for success stories that say tinnitus + hyperacusis went away. I don't think I ever found one with a moderate/significant hearing loss, at least in the up to 8 kHz range.

While I am still holding out hope this can get better, I do not really believe in the possibility of getting silence back. I'd be a very unusual, miraculous case, if I did. I doubt I am that special.

 

[Jammer]

I'm sitting here reading the latest posts to this thread and thinking aloud to myself that I stopped trying to understand why my tinnitus is loud or quiet for a given time. I've come to realize, over the past several years and with my high level of tinnitus, there often is no correlation to events that I can identify.

Right now it is screaming loud, yesterday morning it was more steady and yesterday evening it was even more distressing than right now. Nothing has changed with my environment; I've been staying home and chillin'. Other times, it is the opposite as far as the time of day.

Enjoy it while it is less severe and suck it up when it is horrific. This is my mantra.

 

[Daniel Lion]

Enjoy it while it is less severe and suck it up when it is horrific. This is my mantra.

I like your Mantra.

 

[gameover]

I'm sitting here reading the latest posts to this thread and thinking aloud to myself that I stopped trying to understand why my tinnitus is loud or quiet for a given time. I've come to realize, over the past several years and with my high level of tinnitus, there often is no correlation to events that I can identify.

Right now it is screaming loud, yesterday morning it was more steady and yesterday evening it was even more distressing than right now. Nothing has changed with my environment; I've been staying home and chillin'. Other times, it is the opposite as far as the time of day.

Enjoy it while it is less severe and suck it up when it is horrific. This is my mantra.

Admirable. I don't feel like getting up today. Mild headache and mild tinnitus this morning, actually. Small planes raping my brain. Combined they feel like too much for me. Where did my energy and will to live go?

Watching some reports of NDEs, the idea of joining the other side becomes more and more compelling.

 

[fishbone]

Enjoy it while it is less severe and suck it up when it is horrific. This is my mantra.

I try to align my thinking and purpose towards one common goal (relax, acknowledge, accept, move forward).

This pattern has been with me from the mild days, to the unimaginable levels that I deal with these days.

 

[Jammer]

I try to align my thinking and purpose towards one common goal (relax, acknowledge, accept, move forward).

This pattern has been with me from the mild days, to the unimaginable levels that I deal with these days.

I do your pattern as well. But getting there on the worse days is still a grind.

 

[gameover]

I really need to move asap. I just cannot tolerate the hellish bikes or trucks. I was thinking about adding "storm" windows to sound proof my bedroom better, but I don't think that's good enough.

It's tough. Nothing within the reasonable distance of the school for my kid. Moving by myself will be tough. I will go even more crazy. I am so dependent on my wife, especially now. Relocating to completely new place with all our junk seems impossible, I could not possibly manage/survive it right now.

This is where bullet to the head seems so much easier.

 

[gameover]

It's horrible what you're going through and I admire your complete honesty and openness on this forum.

Please understand something;

You may only need to give up the next 12 months of your life for your ears to improve. And there may even be complete resolution (take @jjflyman for example). That certainly is not 'everything,' though will require extreme patience. You cannot hurry this.

There are people here, who by your own admittance, whose ears are in a worse state than yours - they have less chance of improvement.

Whatever you do in anger or frustration - PROTECT your ears at all costs!

@Jupiterman, tell me something, it seems you are relatively new into this yourself. Like barely over 1 year. How has this been for you? Have you noticed improvements?

 

[Ryan Scott]

@gameover, how many cars do you have and what do you do for a living to afford all of those?

 

[Stayinghopeful]

I'm sitting here reading the latest posts to this thread and thinking aloud to myself that I stopped trying to understand why my tinnitus is loud or quiet for a given time. I've come to realize, over the past several years and with my high level of tinnitus, there often is no correlation to events that I can identify.

Right now it is screaming loud, yesterday morning it was more steady and yesterday evening it was even more distressing than right now. Nothing has changed with my environment; I've been staying home and chillin'. Other times, it is the opposite as far as the time of day.

Enjoy it while it is less severe and suck it up when it is horrific. This is my mantra.

This is pure speculation but do you think it could be related to food? If nothing changes in your environment but you're eating meals, do you think some foods could potentially cause inflammation in the body, causing the neurons to fire more?

 

[gameover]

This is pure speculation but do you think it could be related to food? If nothing changes in your environment but you're eating meals, do you think some foods could potentially cause inflammation in the body, causing the neurons to fire more?

It could be anything that influences hormones and state of brain. Food, atmospheric pressure, emotions, quality of sleep, I guess...

We know so little about brain. We know even less about damaged brain, like we have.

 

[Jammer]

This is pure speculation but do you think it could be related to food? If nothing changes in your environment but you're eating meals, do you think some foods could potentially cause inflammation in the body, causing the neurons to fire more?

Might be. I'll see if foods affect it. Thanks!

 

[gameover]

I am seriously tired. I need some change, otherwise I will continue to be stuck. I really want to get away from external noises that terrorize me.

Not ready to go back to work. I am considering going on a long road trip somewhere, maybe to check out some property in the wilderness (and with Internet). Nothing nearby, need to go hundreds miles away. One nice place is like 1000 miles away - south. I'd want a place with no snow to deal with. But then there is humidity. I keep reading it is not good for tinnitus. I never liked heat/humidity. The place has A/C (I wonder how loud).

Can I handle the road and traffic and not go crazy? Good question. Staying in loud motels/hotels will be pain, but maybe I will endure.

I feel so stuck. Ending it would be easier, but it is a lousy way to go about it.

Buying a house 1000 miles away is nuts.

Gonna check out a house that's not too far, like 30 minutes away. It might work. Further into sticks. But kid's school should be doable. Little tough, but doable. Far from ideal, but from pictures it's pretty obvious at least it's not a depressing Home Depot special we live in now - our current house was meant to be temporary (2nd biggest mistake of my life, after getting tinnitus) - it better be, because I can't stand it. And the road nearby. And the sky full of menacing planes.

Hope it is quiet enough. Not wilderness quiet - it's a subdivision with HOA (another thing I swore I'd never accept, but not a priority anymore) but the lots are 5 acre and wooded, and the only vehicles passing by would be to 4 other houses. Way better than a busy rural street we are on now. And no small plane airport nearby. And it has woods in a walking distance, no need to get into a car to access them. Which is great.

We'll have to reduce amount of stuff we have it, but I am ok with it. The effort to get rid of it will be hard, but whatever. I need to simplify my life. All I'd like is to live in peace for a little bit. Be able to relax. Knowing no outside noises will assault me. Tinnitus is enough to deal with.

And actually live. So the kids can grow up a bit. I hope I won't need to pull the plug on myself. But if I do, the later I do it, the better for them. I just hope it is not going to get worse for me right away. I am really afraid of that. But I am ok giving up going out. I will minimize times I leave the house. That's ok. I love my wife so much. This will be hard for her, but we loved being together holed up during COVID-19. I just hope I can get better enough so I am not such a downer to be with. Need to be able to watch a movie, read a book, or something.

As it is, I feel I should be able to keep going for a while. Not sure if I can go back to work. If I could, that would be great. So I could still make money for some time, every month, year would make a difference. And hopefully get a decent life insurance policy outside provided by my employer (not getting one was 3rd biggest mistake of my life). So when I go later, my wife would be fairly secure financially.

I need to do whatever I can to keep going for a little bit. Yes, I need to give myself and my loved ones a chance. As long as I can. I am suffering like hell, but I cannot give up right away.

Oh, I am definitely staying away from antidepressants. No way I am taking those. No way.

 

[gameover]

I am such a downer. A kid in a coffee shop asked me "I hope you had a good Mother's Day weekend?!" I said: "thank you for asking but I do not have good days anymore..." He responded: "Maybe today will be better?"

This is somewhat a reserved kid, I have met him several times, I think it took some courage on his part to say these things.