How to Be with Someone Having Tinnitus?
- Thread starter Christophe_85
- Start date
MemberWhen do we open a dating thread for fellow tinnitus sufferers?
It really should exist !
But not enough people from Switzerland...
- Feb 17, 2017
- 10,400
- Tinnitus Since
- February, 2017
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Acoustic Trauma
You might think that's a good idea, but I've thought about it before, and it would absolutely be a bad idea to date someone else tinnitus. Arguments over who's turn it is to do something loud, "I vaccumed the floor last...", "No I did!".... who's T is worse, "Mine is louder honey", "Baby I swear mine is, I can hear it over everything", "NO, mine is you just aren't as good at dealing with it", "Are you calling me weak?!... Etc.
My girlfriend doesn't have tinnitus, last time the smoke detector went off, she saved the day and turned it off while I stood in the hallway with my ears plugged. There's benefits to being in a relationship with someone who has healthy ears!
- May 29, 2018
- 1,161
- Tinnitus Since
- 10/2017
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Neck/stress
Maybe a deaf dating site would be more apt. If you find a nice deaf girl you can play fucking crickets all night and whine like shit all day about being cursed with this crap and she won't hear any of it. You could probably get away with pretending you're kind of normal .
I see your point...
But in general, people love the noise too much, like loud music and so on...
I really don't see myself in a relationship in the future... And especially if we, as T sufferers, live in the constant fear of having our T increasing with age...
I see your point...
But in general, people love the noise too much, like loud music and so on...
I really don't see myself in a relationship in the future... And especially if we, as T sufferers, live in the constant fear of having our T increasing with age...
There's plenty of folks that don't like going to loud clubs or concerts, my girlfriend is a perfect example of that. When I was on using dating sites before we met, I came across many people that listed on their profiles that they weren't big on partying and such.
Also, when my hyperacusis was at its worst, I felt the same way, I didn't want to hang out with women because even laughing was unbearable for me. Things can get better, but you have to make the effort, my diy exposure therapy really made a massive difference in my life. I'm able to be exposed to noises that would have given me a "spike" and sent me into a depression in the past.
I almost didn't believe that was possible in the past. My hearing is fucked from gun shots and literally everything you could imagine, years working weekends as a nightclub bouncer, professional audio competitions, motorcycles and insanely loud cars, etc. If I can do it, anyone can....
- Oct 14, 2016
- 1,270
- Tinnitus Since
- All my life, but got worse 2016
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Noise induced / Concert
Where i come from, sitting quietly with a book and the radio on is the norm...clubbing and being a drunken mess is so early 2000s...there are bigger and better things in life.
This is a really long thread and while I didn't have the time to read through every single page, I'll say I can relate to the challenges.
T is one of those conditions that are possible to hide under normal circumstances. I don't want to share my condition with people I've just met or coworkers if I can avoid it. The end result is trying to sort of avoid loud situations without explaining why you're avoiding them, or sticking stuff in my ears when nobody's looking and hoping nobody sees it and asks questions.
This is especially an issue for men in the dating scene because a) the types of things you do on a date involve noise (even just regular sit-down restaurants are noisy, especially on Friday and Saturday nights) and b) the job of a man is to impress his date and you don't want to lead right off the bat by admitting you have a disability (makes you seem weak/damaged).
In addition to this, I think those without T never really understand how it impacts your life, you can try to explain it to them, but they'll never truly understand it. If they can't understand how you're suffering, then they'll never truly understand you as a person. So it presents a gap in developing intimacy.
You see this sort of thing play out a lot in the Star is Born movie. T tends to make people grouchy/moody because they are constantly fighting off the stress hormones, the fight-or-flight syndrome, and dealing with chronic insomnia.
To someone who doesn't understand, they'll just think this is your regular personality rather than something exacerbated by a medical condition. I also think most people enter into dating for selfish reasons. They're looking for what they are gonna get out of it so they're not going to be willing to make compromises for my sake for very long.
When you go into a relationship for anything more than a casual bootycall there is a lot of emotional heavy-lifting required. I can only speak for myself but my emotional capacity to deal with external drama is limited. So much of my emotional bandwidth is consumed trying to cope with T and regular everyday stressors that it leaves very little left for the usual rom-com style emotional roller-coaster.
If you do get really attached to someone and suffer a breakup, they've done studies that show how breakup pain is felt much the same as physical pain. When T has reduced your highest highs to kind of a "meh" and your lowest lows are very low, stacking breakup pain on top is a clear and present existential threat.
It's very easy to run that equation and feel that all relationships are a net loss in wellbeing.
The net effect for me is that I can't help but feel needy. I may successfully mask it, but the neediness is there. I need the benefits of the relationship, mostly in the form of the cocktail of drugs that love, cuddling, and sex releases, but I can't handle the inevitable drama, power-struggles, heartbreaks, etc...
What this does is make me sort of take the easy road out at all points, which is to:
1) bail at the first red-flag (including early interactions on the dating sites, hence not many dates)
2) be opportunistic if she keeps coming back (on again off again syndrome)
3) limit my emotional commitment (I have a great time on dates but emotionally clock out on the way home)
I don't know the solution to any of this but that's the phenomenon.
T is one of those conditions that are possible to hide under normal circumstances. I don't want to share my condition with people I've just met or coworkers if I can avoid it. The end result is trying to sort of avoid loud situations without explaining why you're avoiding them, or sticking stuff in my ears when nobody's looking and hoping nobody sees it and asks questions.
This is especially an issue for men in the dating scene because a) the types of things you do on a date involve noise (even just regular sit-down restaurants are noisy, especially on Friday and Saturday nights) and b) the job of a man is to impress his date and you don't want to lead right off the bat by admitting you have a disability (makes you seem weak/damaged).
In addition to this, I think those without T never really understand how it impacts your life, you can try to explain it to them, but they'll never truly understand it. If they can't understand how you're suffering, then they'll never truly understand you as a person. So it presents a gap in developing intimacy.
You see this sort of thing play out a lot in the Star is Born movie. T tends to make people grouchy/moody because they are constantly fighting off the stress hormones, the fight-or-flight syndrome, and dealing with chronic insomnia.
To someone who doesn't understand, they'll just think this is your regular personality rather than something exacerbated by a medical condition. I also think most people enter into dating for selfish reasons. They're looking for what they are gonna get out of it so they're not going to be willing to make compromises for my sake for very long.
When you go into a relationship for anything more than a casual bootycall there is a lot of emotional heavy-lifting required. I can only speak for myself but my emotional capacity to deal with external drama is limited. So much of my emotional bandwidth is consumed trying to cope with T and regular everyday stressors that it leaves very little left for the usual rom-com style emotional roller-coaster.
If you do get really attached to someone and suffer a breakup, they've done studies that show how breakup pain is felt much the same as physical pain. When T has reduced your highest highs to kind of a "meh" and your lowest lows are very low, stacking breakup pain on top is a clear and present existential threat.
It's very easy to run that equation and feel that all relationships are a net loss in wellbeing.
The net effect for me is that I can't help but feel needy. I may successfully mask it, but the neediness is there. I need the benefits of the relationship, mostly in the form of the cocktail of drugs that love, cuddling, and sex releases, but I can't handle the inevitable drama, power-struggles, heartbreaks, etc...
What this does is make me sort of take the easy road out at all points, which is to:
1) bail at the first red-flag (including early interactions on the dating sites, hence not many dates)
2) be opportunistic if she keeps coming back (on again off again syndrome)
3) limit my emotional commitment (I have a great time on dates but emotionally clock out on the way home)
I don't know the solution to any of this but that's the phenomenon.
My problem is the fear of making tinnitus worse.
I feel like a guy will be turned off by a female who has tinnitus, plus the rollercoaster of emotions due to tinnitus and the paranoia of tinnitus getting worse.
What are we supposed to do if everything is so loud?
I feel like dating just wouldn't be for me anymore.
I feel like a guy will be turned off by a female who has tinnitus, plus the rollercoaster of emotions due to tinnitus and the paranoia of tinnitus getting worse.
What are we supposed to do if everything is so loud?
I feel like dating just wouldn't be for me anymore.
I can't speak for all men but I think in large part men engage in nightlife purely as a means to an end. Offer a guy a steady stream of netflix and chill and he'll be pretty damn satisfied. You'll also come across as super low-maintenance which is a big plus.
Wouldn't that make a side-chick...? He will consider me as just a female he fucks and not take me serious... I know how guys are. It really sucks as I used to be able to get any guy I wanted, now I have to consider if whether he will accept me or not.
Where are you getting that from? You're only 20, right? Even without T you'd have a lot to learn about relationships. I'm 48. Long divorced. Single dad recently empty-nest. Do you think someone in my stage of life is interested in an endless stream of nightlife? Believe me, I've done it. It gets repetitive after a while and my liver can't take it. I know women enjoy getting dressed up and feel a sense of self-worth being paraded around town, but guys don't need that. And if you look at long-time happily married couples they spend the vast majority of their time together quietly at home. You have to ask yourself what it is you want to get out of dating. If you're in a good relationship you'll know it and it won't matter where you are or what you're doing. If you're in a shallow relationship then you'll be fixating on the activities and not the person, whether it's a sex partner or a dining or movie or concert partner . And if you're naive you'll be trying to judge whether it's shallow or not based on things like what you're doing. But there's nothing inherently bad about netflix and chill.
When I say you'll know it, it has to do with how good your communication is. Too often people approach relationships through fear. They don't want to take any emotional risks and so they read tea-leaves. Trying to establish a set of rules like "netflix and chill = side-chick" comes out of that. It's like "if he doesn't text me back after x seconds, it means he doesn't like me anymore". I think everyone leans on that guesswork to some extent but the older you get the more you realize how flawed and limiting this approach is. At the earliest opportunity I think men and women should pivot away from gamesmanship and just be authentic. There would be far less problems that way.
I fully agree. Some people prefer to find escape by drinking themselves into a drunken stupor or participate in taking illegal substances. When it comes to reading they haven't a clue how rewarding a good book can be and where it can take you, and the benefits it can have on the mind. It can increase one's vocabulary and improve writing and communication skills, so it's a win win.
Michael
How would hanging out at home and watching Netflix make you a "side chick"? By that definition my mother is a side chick....
- Feb 17, 2017
- 10,400
- Tinnitus Since
- February, 2017
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Acoustic Trauma
- Feb 17, 2017
- 10,400
- Tinnitus Since
- February, 2017
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Acoustic Trauma
I now understand what you mean, thank you for explaining. You're right, us young people get fixated on "why did he do that, what could this mean, etc." We would rather not communicate our feelings in fear of the other not wanting the same/ being on the same page. I see how pointless it makes relationships, it gets to no where.
- Jun 6, 2013
- 1,373
- Tinnitus Since
- January 2002
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Dental Surgery
Hey are you boys teasing @coffee_girl? She has it so right. And she is gorgeous and smart and sassy!!
@Bill Bauer I keep my radio or music going because the complete silence while reading is difficult.
- Jun 6, 2013
- 1,373
- Tinnitus Since
- January 2002
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Dental Surgery
@GlennS and my friend @Christophe_85. Sigh.... It would be difficult to be a single person today. Have you guys met someone that you were completely smitten with? I don't mean raising the flag pole smitten.
But someone you locked eyes with and felt a connection of some sort?
I'm pretty sure that is a common term around the world. I don't believe he was using that phrase to suggest that folks only have casual relationships, I think what's he's trying to say is that a night spent hanging out and watching television is more fulfilling than going out and getting wasted. You can have a romantic night in and "Netflix and chill" while being happily married. Not only that, but the term "side chick" refers to said "chick" being the other woman, as in an affair, which is entirely different thing.
I'm blown away that someone would even need to have that explained to them. Blown. Away. Apparently hearing loss doesn't just cause tinnitus but it also makes people into idiots.
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