I Actually Don't Give a S*it...

[Chris Alexander]

Hi everyone... and especially to those people who have come to this site terrified.

So I posted on here about 5 weeks ago, or 1st June to be specific. This is when my T started and when the hell began.

I was just like everyone else here - really scared, in constant fear for my sanity and health, I could not sleep and my world as I knew it slowly crumbled around me.... oh yeah and I was in a constant state of panic/anxiety. I mean that. I was in constant ' panic mode '... or ' fight or flight '. For those of you that have NOT experienced that, you are very lucky......

Anyway when my T started it was really random and VERY loud. It would go away for days at a time then re-appear out of the blue. It would just come on like a ' beacon ' almost.... it was very frightening... My work suffered, my personal life suffered...... it was a living hell.

HOWEVER

Fast forward to now - and as my post title says, I actually could not care. I have felt like this for about two weeks but did not post anything as I wanted to be sure. My anxiety ( and silly thoughts of my life being over ) has gone.

My T has died down in that I do not get the really loud noises anymore BUT I am still aware of mt T and it still can be loud at night. However, it no longer brings out any panic. I just ignore it ( How can you ignore something like this??? I hear all of you new people say... trust me, you will soon find out ) However you know what? I am only aware of my T about 10% of the time and for some days, I completely forget about it. I feel like I have a second lease of life almost. Life does get better - you do not think it at the time but trust me everyone, IT DOES GET BETTER. I know I know... I did not believe it when I came here just over a month ago... so I will say it again -IT DOES GET BETTER....

Let me share with you some helpful tips :

1. GET YOUR ANXIETY/PANIC UNDER CONTROL. I say this in capitals because it is my far the most important. Your mind will be doing somesaults just now with all sorts of stupid thoughts - I am going to go deaf, I am going insane, my life is over, It is so unfair... etc etc. Well after 5 weeks, I am your proof that those statements ARE BOLLOCKS. Completely ridiculous. So go and get Diazepam, Citalopram and whatever else you need to use to get it under control and do just that. It will make life MUCH easier. As a side note, I found the acute anxiety and silly thoughts MUCH harder to deal with than the T......

2. Get yourself a good nights sleep. For those of you that do not want to use sleeping pills, then use an over the counter anti-histamine called PHENEGRAN 25mg. One of the side effects of this pill is that it makes you drowsy - it completely knocked me out ( I do not actually use this any more as my T does not bother me at all now, but it is really good!! ). Just DO NOT tell the pharmacist it is for sleep.... because they will not give it to you

3. Do not suffer in silence guys and girls - TALK. You will find that MANY people in your life have T to one degree or another, you just never knew it. Trust me on this. They will tell you exactly what I have told you above.

So yeah, that is my story everyone. Looking back at my original post on here about ' never being able to live with this ' was just silly, although it felt real at the time. Anxiety is a killer.

Get yours under control and you WILL be fine.

If any of you want to message me, feel free. I am more than happy to help/give support like I got when I first came here.

Chris

 

[delano1229]

Chris,
Thanks for the positive update! my T started first week of June as well. I went through all the emotions your described above and now I am in a much better place (focus on positive thoughts whenever my mind starts to drift in the opposite direction) but still not 100% yet. I agree that the anxiety/depression is far worst than the noise itself.

question-
My ear is still blocked. Is you ear still blocked?

 

[pactribe]

@Chris Alexander Good to see you doing well mate.

I'm kinda like you: I had a hard time with getting tinnitus, but an even harder time with being a pussy about it.

God bless you.

 

[Chris Alexander]

@delano1229 tbh I never really bothered to check again. That's how much I've just got over my T. I was offered to go on to a clinical trial also but I turned it down, that's how comfortable I am and also because there are people seriously suffering that need help more than me.

 

[eldudebro]

Hey Chris,

I see we are in the same part of the world.

My story pretty much matches yours, although it took me several months to get back to normal after tinnitus hit me out of nowhere.

Tinnitus is definately a mental battle. It's all mind over matter. I now no longer care about my tinnitus and life has returned to normal. I'll never forget those 3-4 months where I thought I was about to lose my mind though. You've done really well to get there in 5 weeks. Bravo to you.

 

[Chris Alexander]

@eldudebro

Hey yeah, thanks for that. This is what I have told people over and over again and it is something which I didnt believe at first - Tinnitus is not the problem. Your emotional response to the tinnitus is the problem. This is why I will always tell people to get the panic/anxiety sorted first. I believed... actually believed my life was over, I wouldnt be able to go to loud places again, I wouldnt be able to drink alcohol, I wouldnt be able to start a relationship because of this.... on and on it went. No wonder you go mental. You soon realise that all of that is just nonesense. The only adaption I have made is to get custom ear plugs, incase I end up somewhere loud, but bars etc are fine. Other than that, I have made no adaptions at all.

Do not get me wrong, I am sure there are people out there who have T to a much louder degree than me ( although there were times I could hear mine over a train lol ) permanently.... So I guess thats a slightly different beast, but the principle is still the same.

Mine has died down but again I can still hear it when I want to. The less you focus on it, the less you care and thus less attention you pay to it. Something I did not believe initially. People really need to avoid horror stories because they are the exception. Worry about it IF that happens.

Gald you are doing better bro!

 

[Chris Alexander]

@pactribe thanks!!

 

[RB2014]

This is great advice. It took me 7 months to get to where you are now but I'm here too.

 

[TMLB]

Thanks for your post. I've had intrusive tinnitus for about 2 years now and must admit it took me just over a year to get to a stable state of mind. I could deal with the stress of a high pressure job but those were all external factors over which I felt control. The T threw me, with feelings of having no control; and I reacted with panic and high anxiety. I still am aware of it most of the day but thankfully I don't have the extreme negative reactions like I did the first 12 to 14 months. With posts like yours I continue to hope that one day it will be a background sound and only bothersome when I think about it. Thanks again for reinforcing how important it is to reduce the anxiety associated with T.

 

[Lisa88]

Great post! Likely your t will disappear in time.
Often think what if we had all reacted like that in the acute stages of t - ignoring, not caring. Helps turn the brain away from it early on. More chances of it fading.
I know easier said than done. But with everything written on t and the brain, there is definitely something to this.

 

[DanielN]

I've had low level T my whole life... I don't ever remember being without it; if the room was quiet I heard what I hear now but not as loud... apparently I habituated to it because I never thought of it till recently (I'm 40). This past week it has really bothered me and had gotten really loud. Sinus issues all summer (septum clogging up right eye etc), industrial tech (power plants, aircraft carriers), too much partying.. who knows... Still dealing... seeing a lot of Drs including ENT... it's going back low today. I had been kind of panicking but I know I may have to deal with it forever at this level or variations thereof... we'll see I guess. I'm kind of a high strung/worrier person and was already having anxiety issues this summer due to work etc... I know I'll have bad days with it but... Maybe this was/is a wakeup call to be a better person... and to let things go and such. Like maybe because this requires chillout that is the only way I'll learn it... It's a perspective changer for certain. I dunno! I just joined this forum this morning, it has helped reading stuff. My Dad has had T for 25 years and my Mom has had it for a while too... found out my best friend has it as well he just never mentioned it (although he has fans going all the time). I think his is the same level as mine.
First post here. I must be feeling better about it because I'm posting...

 

[marqualler]

Welcome @DanielN!

 

[wishingluck]

Hi Chris,

that's what I try to tell myself all the time: 'Don't freak out. The best thing to do is to adapt as well as possible. Don't fight with it'.

I want to buy this PHENEGRAN 25m. Are you sure it's available over the counter? What do you tell the pharmacist?

I am also buying a couple of good books about how to cope with really serious s**t. Been dealing with that before. Bad health, homelessness , grief, loneliness. All bad stuff, but I could manage it. I actually -liked- solitude, until a few years ago. But this is different. It's like goddamn Chinese torture or something.

I think it's imperative that the more difficult to manage something is, the more we have to learn to stay calm.

My T started with a low pitched rumble. I got used to it after a while. But then this bastard changed to a high pitched hiss, and I found it much harder to adapt to. I would feel my chest literally filling up with dread and anxiety, and THAT is the wrong thing to do. I try to read proven information as the 'truth-tested' one by the British Tinnitus Association. Fo0r example, there was a leaflet where it was advised that if you can't sleep for 30 minutes, get up and do something else, instead of spending 2 hours trying to force yourself to sleep. These things I have found useful, because anxiety is not a logical thing, and I find best to fight that with logic. It's hard to explain, but nowadays I try to learn to be more and more logical, because emotions are instinctive and most of the time they go against you, like fear or anxiety.

So I think your post reflected an essential point: don't freak out. The more you freak out, the more you'll freak out, and you don't want it to get out of control.

And yes, talking to others who are going trough this is helpful, it makes you feel less alone. Most people who aren't going through the same s**t, don't really understand. I know because I also have had other health problems for years, and for most people it's like, if you aren't blind, bleeding, or dying, then you must be OK.

The doctors are the worst. They have the sensibility of an elephant, they are unhelpful and even stupid and ignorant.

I wish you all the best and let us know how it's going for you.

 

[Chris Alexander]

@wishingluck

Hey - apologies for the later reply. I have been away and been super busy!

Phengran is great and it is very much available. It does not make you drowzy but when you do sleep, it knocks you out. When you wake up you feel a bit drunk almost, so be careful!

Anxiety is really difficult to deal with. I have had an episode a couple months ago however I have come into contact with a great book by someone called Paul David. It is called 'At last a life'. I suggest you get it - it will change your life.

I still get anxious but I no longer get the severe panic, touch wood. BAsically, STOP fighting the anxiety. Tell yourself that it is ok to feel anxious ( which it is ). It wont kill you. I suggest you get his book. Really.

As for my T - mine is still with me. Occasionally spikes but mainly just a 'sea shell ' type sound - really loud at night but tbh i never even bother with it. I am able to just zone out and watch TV and forget about it. I know that I am lucky - mine was a really loud intrusive beep when it started but it died down to what it is now, although when I lie in bed on one side it is REALLY loud.

However as I have always told people - the loudness of your tinnitus is irrelevant. It is your reaction to it is what makes it a bad experience. In addition to that, anxiety is also the real enemy, not a random noise that will do you no harm.

Doctors are in a tough situation - they can see how upset you are but the fact is, no one can help you but you. There is no cure yet for T, it is as simple as that. Without sounding all new age hippy - the cure lies within each individual and the sooner people realise that the cure is their attitude, the better they will be.

@DanielN

Hey Daniel, sorry you are not feeling great. Your attitude to T is everything mate. As you can see from your parents and friends, it is possible to just not give a shit..... it is the anxiety which makes everything seem worse ( when in fact is is not ).

As per my advice above - get 'Paul David - At Last A Life '. It will change your way of thinking and explain exactly what goes on in your body and mind when you have anxiety and panic. It is quite a short book and it is super easy to understand. It will help you loads.

I have differening levels of T but because I have adapted to it, I just dont give a shit about it. You will get to this point too - you just need to develop the right attitude and eventually it will become habit. Remember - your thoughts dictate how you feel. It is as simple as that.

Also - so what if you have to live with this forever? Will it kill you? Will it harm you in anyway? Stop thinking about '' oh no... '' type thoughts.... your life will go on regardless of what noise is in your head. It is up to you to determine the quality of that life. Do not forget that!

Keep your chin up, you will get there buddy.

 

[Falconfox]

Awesome posts man. I completely agree about how the anxiety can be far worse than the tinnitus itself, as a small example I have gone large parts of the day unconcerned with my T but once something sets of my anxiety (could be anything) suddenly the T is my focus once again and I go straight back to the old frightening thoughts I had when this all started, which in turns increases my general anxiety and on and on it goes. Gotta break the cycle somehow. I will definitely check out that book you recommended, perhaps it'll be the boon I need to sort out my anxiety bullcrap.

 

[RaZaH]

That "loudness of your tinnitus, does not matter" phrase , sort of pisses me off to be honest.
I am not an anxious person , i have been dealing with this for 3 years, I make music, I started a company, a successful one at that ...but , my T is very loud , so loud that my whole head buzzes. That is like telling someone to ignore a broken leg , makes no sense... I know you are trying to help , I just get frustrated when I hear that mantra.

 

[SoulStation]

I agree with @RaZaH -
I used to hope that was true but as I have T that's gotten more much intrusive, I believe LOUDNESS MATTERS ALOT.
I know you mean well- and thank you for your positive response, but this is simply not true imh. Even Dr. Nagler said that LOUDNESS MATTERS.

 

[Bertman]

@Chris Alexander I am glad you posted this. I have been feeling the same way lately. During the day while I'm at school I could care less about it, doesn't really bother me. Now even at night when its seems loud, I just turn on my tv to youtube and play white noise and go to sleep (still need sleep aids though). I can go about my day without thinking about it lots of the time and actually enjoy myself. Now obviously I am still aware of it, and I still avoid many social gatherings because I'm afraid of making it worse, but I do feel a lot better than before. I'm also used to it spiking when I'm around loudish noise (like work, but I wear earplugs to try and limit the exposure) and from things like alcohol, but I don't get as worked up because it usually calms down after, maybe not as far down as it did in the beginning, but still manageable so far (KNOCK ON WOOD). I really hope I can continue on this path until a cure comes out. I never really posted anything about it because I was unsure if I was just having a few good days or whatever but your post really made me wanna share with others that it can get better. I'm glad your doing a lot better as well and I hope to continues for you!

 

[DanielN]

@wishingluck

Hey - apologies for the later reply. I have been away and been super busy!

Phengran is great and it is very much available. It does not make you drowzy but when you do sleep, it knocks you out. When you wake up you feel a bit drunk almost, so be careful!

Anxiety is really difficult to deal with. I have had an episode a couple months ago however I have come into contact with a great book by someone called Paul David. It is called 'At last a life'. I suggest you get it - it will change your life.

I still get anxious but I no longer get the severe panic, touch wood. BAsically, STOP fighting the anxiety. Tell yourself that it is ok to feel anxious ( which it is ). It wont kill you. I suggest you get his book. Really.

As for my T - mine is still with me. Occasionally spikes but mainly just a 'sea shell ' type sound - really loud at night but tbh i never even bother with it. I am able to just zone out and watch TV and forget about it. I know that I am lucky - mine was a really loud intrusive beep when it started but it died down to what it is now, although when I lie in bed on one side it is REALLY loud.

However as I have always told people - the loudness of your tinnitus is irrelevant. It is your reaction to it is what makes it a bad experience. In addition to that, anxiety is also the real enemy, not a random noise that will do you no harm.

Doctors are in a tough situation - they can see how upset you are but the fact is, no one can help you but you. There is no cure yet for T, it is as simple as that. Without sounding all new age hippy - the cure lies within each individual and the sooner people realise that the cure is their attitude, the better they will be.

@DanielN

Hey Daniel, sorry you are not feeling great. Your attitude to T is everything mate. As you can see from your parents and friends, it is possible to just not give a shit..... it is the anxiety which makes everything seem worse ( when in fact is is not ).

As per my advice above - get 'Paul David - At Last A Life '. It will change your way of thinking and explain exactly what goes on in your body and mind when you have anxiety and panic. It is quite a short book and it is super easy to understand. It will help you loads.

I have differening levels of T but because I have adapted to it, I just dont give a shit about it. You will get to this point too - you just need to develop the right attitude and eventually it will become habit. Remember - your thoughts dictate how you feel. It is as simple as that.

Also - so what if you have to live with this forever? Will it kill you? Will it harm you in anyway? Stop thinking about '' oh no... '' type thoughts.... your life will go on regardless of what noise is in your head. It is up to you to determine the quality of that life. Do not forget that!

Keep your chin up, you will get there buddy.

It has been a very very tough month; the toughest of my life. I'm still hanging in there and I've been trying to practice your advice!!! Very hard but still pretty early here with it. Having ups and downs. I've been a worrier my whole life... I feel ok but then I feel panicy with it especially during work... I'm masking (kind of; so hard to mask high pitch) to sleep. The noise makes everything sound a bit different which I'm still getting used to also... sinus issues ongoing.

 

[Chris Alexander]

@DanielN

Hey man. I had that as well - When I was in the shower, the water hitting the floor would sound different. The sound of my computer would also sound different. This went away after a couple of months but again, its a case of getting used to it ( which you will ).

While I dont really hear mine during the day, I hear mine at night and it is high pitched. When mine started night was the worst - I could sleep but when I did sleep and then wake up and hear the T, I would instantly enter fight or flight mode and panic and then couldnt get to sleep. Its a horrible cycle and I feel for everyone going through it.

Are you having panic attacks when you hear the T? If so, I would suggest letting yourself hear the T at night without masking..... just allow yourself to hear it and get used to it. The sooner you get used to it the better. Once you are used to it, your body stops seeing it as a threat and will pay less attention to it..... and you wont really hear it. It is exactly what happened with me.

I have an anxiety disorder, had it for years. If I can get used to this mate so can you. You will. As I said, with the right attitude anything is possible.

Anytime you wanna chat PM me.

Keep fighting the good fight bro, you will get there!

 

[Chris Alexander]

@RaZaH @SoulStation

Hey thank you for your response.

As you both have your opinion, I also have mine.

I can tell you that when my T started, I could hear it over a moving Train..... it was THAT loud.

However, it would go hours before I even heard it sometimes because I developed a different attitutde.

I suppose I am lucky in that mine also died down.

So while I accept you have your own opinions, I have to say that my experience has been different. I have had the really loud T ( and still do at night ) and also the quiet T - either way, with the right attitude neither bother me.

Regards

Chris

 

[Blackbird26]

Loudness matters...and so does pain..but when my whole head buzzes as well, and I feel that feeling of no escaping it, I want to die...Truly I hate it and it's a rather peculiar condition.

 

[Chris Alexander]

@Blackbird26

Im sorry you feel awful. I do not want to sound patronising, because when I first got this, some people were to me and It just annoyed the shit out of me.

What I can say is that the reason you primarily feel so bad is because of your attitude ( which is understandable ).
Like anxiety, you need to accept T before you can over come it.

I have been there with super loud T..... I changed my attitude and gradually the panic and anxiety went away and I no longer cared about it.

Tinnitus will only stop you living life to the full if you let it.

I hope this does not come across patronising - just trying to be helpul.

Good luck

 

[Blackbird26]

@Blackbird26

Im sorry you feel awful. I do not want to sound patronising, because when I first got this, some people were to me and It just annoyed the shit out of me.

What I can say is that the reason you primarily feel so bad is because of your attitude ( which is understandable ).
Like anxiety, you need to accept T before you can over come it.

I have been there with super loud T..... I changed my attitude and gradually the panic and anxiety went away and I no longer cared about it.

Tinnitus will only stop you living life to the full if you let it.

I hope this does not come across patronising - just trying to be helpul.

Good luck

Not at all. I understand what you are saying...however like I said, " when" it is full on head buzzing it drives me mad..thankfully it isn't always like this..Regardless I still try and live as much as possible depsite my health issues..Especially in the " better days"

Cheers.

 

[RaZaH]

I did not mean to be a dick , we are all different ... my regular eee T is more then welcome at this point , those are my good days, its the head buzz that does me in ...my good attitude does not help much in my case. It does however help with the eee t,so yeah ...with the eee T , i dont give a shit either.

 

[John Meyers]

Thanks for your input Chris.

I'm at 4 weeks and hate that I need to mask all the time and shame on me if I eat something unhealthy like a cheeseburger, pizza, or something sweet (my T goes through the roof)!

I've been meditating on and off during the day saying that I will not let T run my life and I will become a better person to help overcome it (healthier and more friendly/helpful to others). -- Just helping others more seems to put me into a much better mindset.

Keeping busy is key. I dread the long quiet winter but have all my masking techniques in place.

Exercising and eating healthy (also vitamins) is all good too. -- I had to cut back on the intense running/exercising I was doing since the schedule itself was stressing me out!

Anyway, thanks for you positive outlook. -- It really is mind-over-matter and helps to chat in these forums. -- I feel better just from typing this!

 

[Sgguy46]

Loudness matters...and so does pain..but when my whole head buzzes as well, and I feel that feeling of no escaping it, I want to die...Truly I hate it and it's a rather peculiar condition.

My whole head buzzes all the time. I am so screwed

 

[dan]

My whole head buzzes all the time. I am so screwed

Yep same here . We are screwed. No life miserable existence plans to end it all. What can I say. More horror stories on the way.

 

[eric peterson]

Thanks for your input Chris.

I'm at 4 weeks and hate that I need to mask all the time and shame on me if I eat something unhealthy like a cheeseburger, pizza, or something sweet (my T goes through the roof)!

I've been meditating on and off during the day saying that I will not let T run my life and I will become a better person to help overcome it (healthier and more friendly/helpful to others). -- Just helping others more seems to put me into a much better mindset.

Keeping busy is key. I dread the long quiet winter but have all my masking techniques in place.

Exercising and eating healthy (also vitamins) is all good too. -- I had to cut back on the intense running/exercising I was doing since the schedule itself was stressing me out!

Anyway, thanks for you positive outlook. -- It really is mind-over-matter and helps to chat in these forums. -- I feel better just from typing this!

John, you're going to be fine. Keep that positive attitude going. It is just brutal in the first few months. Everyone here knows that. Try and not mask as much as your mind can handle it. Don't drive yourself up a wall to prove you can, but exposure is key to habituation. If you're just playing some background music from a radio or something, no problem. But putting ear buds in your ears and turning up the music so you can't hear your T at all won't help toward habituation. There's tons of newbies here who are a bit further along (like myself) who can help. I wish more completely habituated people stuck around and kept posting, but I get that once you no longer think about your T, you probably just move on with your life. But keep your chin up. And try and keep your tinnitus talk viewing to success stories as much as possible. good luck.

 

[Blackbird26]

sorry guys but this isn't a battle of who suffers more..really....but I have other health issues as well (chronic pain) forced to take drugs that worsen T..no choice!..I also have reoccurring H and Rt..I always have chronic T..sometimes it is horrible..more often than not but compared to H and ear pain, pain...I guess that supercedes the T..Life is tough..but I carry on...I guess we all reach a breaking point..I have had suicide ideation for years, but truly in those years I have managed to keep fighting and with moments worth sticking around for .

Simply put, I am ok with death, but I am not ready to pack it in...I guess I am a fighter (but I am exhausted)..you get used to always fighting. .maybe it made me stronger. .not to say anyone is weak!!!!!!!!! just that I have alot on my plate and have for years and it has made me strong..I have also attempted to basically end it, didn't work, and truly I felt horrible afterwards ..rock bottom..I'm not done yet. I am just not and I have pain daily...I don't know .shit I really don't want to sound unsympathetic, I want you guys to know that shit can be even worse than T, but you find a will to carry on...it isn't ideal, but it's worth it..I hope you understand. .I only try to be supportive...and I mean my " strong" is what I HAVE TO BE...I just do. .too much I want to experience. .I live like I have a death sentence.( I do).I know I won't be old and alive so I make the most NOW...that's all .....I can't say what I would do if this shit gets worse...maybe I would pack it in..can't say, cause I don't know..

Peace to all.