I Can't See a Way Out

J

jasonbourne

Member
Author
Sep 4, 2018
202
Tinnitus Since
2017
Cause of Tinnitus
noise
#1
Hey I've been a lurker for quite a whole. I've always abused headphones and never knew of the dangers of hearing loss properly (didn't know tinnitus even existed, didn't really understand the warnings etc).

So last year I noticed mild tinnitus in my right ear and it horrified me, did some googling and took measures to protect myself and hated myself for the damage i did. The tinnitus always got in the way when on trips and during relaxation time, but it more of an OCD type of thing when my mind and thus anxiety was free to roam. When I was distracted and/or with friends it wasn't really there. Basically it was mostly annoying but 100% livable and remained the same till May this year...

Fast forward to 3.5 months ago I got really drunk and played counter strike and listened to music louder than I should have for a good 5 hours ish with a headset. This is where my hell began. The next day My tinnitus was now in both ears and maybe twice as loud. Stupid me started coping with more alcohol and didn't realise why my tinnitus got worse, surely a 5 hour session doesn't do that? So I carried on throughout the week gaming etc. Then it clicked when I sobered up, and by this point it was around 3x louder than the original.

I was bedbound mostly for 2 months but got myself together as it just wasn't loud enough to warrant give up yet. I was exercising outside when a supercar revved around 10 feet from me and I felt my head vibrate and my ears ring like a microphone that's getting set up. I kept calm and thought nothing much of it.I took a shower and relaxed in my room ready to chill after a good workout. When I came to my senses I was welcomed with the most horrific ringing imaginable. It got worse and it 100% wasnt in my head. This was real.

Then came the sleeping problems (couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time) and pure anxiety and panic for around 3 weeks. This was the worst time of my life. Immeasurable torture that I wouldn't even wish on Hitler.

My tinnitus was now 4x louder than the original.

Fast forward to today I am much more calm, sleep much better and generally feel better; but I logically see no future, no reason to live and no way out. The life is only going to be shit from this moment. The noise in my head is destroying me from the inside out.

I dont know why Im posting this, I guess I want there to be my story somewhere as I am reaching my end point.
 
#2
You can overcome it and live very well with it. How do I know ? Because I made it through myself . If you want to talk PM me my friend . I genuinely know what you are going through and unbelievable as it seems to you at the moment you can live without barely thinking about it
 
#3
Brett_angel said:
You can overcome it and live very well with it. How do I know ? Because I made it through myself . If you want to talk PM me my friend . I genuinely know what you are going through and unbelievable as it seems to you at the moment you can live without barely thinking about it
Click to expand...
I appreciate your reply but this I've been through brutal shit in my life already. I know what suffering is, and I'm not the person to ever give up. This is just something that MY BRAIN I 100% believe cant ever get over and live with.

What hurts the most is that I'm only 25 and it's only going to get louder and louder. My dreams of starting a family and moving somewhere quiet are dead. Fuck this life.
 
#4
jasonbourne said:
I appreciate your reply but this I've been through brutal shit in my life already. I know what suffering is, and I'm not the person to ever give up. This is just something that MY BRAIN I 100% believe cant ever get over and live with.

What hurts the most is that I'm only 25 and it's only going to get louder and louder. My dreams of starting a family and moving somewhere quiet are dead. Fuck this life.
Click to expand...

Exactly. Your brains believes 100% you Cant get over it and live with it .My brain was exactly the same. However it can be done and I did it from.a very very bad place . You can too.
 
#5
Brett_angel said:
Exactly. Your brains believes 100% you Cant get over it and live with it .My brain was exactly the same. However it can be done and I did it from.a very very bad place . You can too.
Click to expand...

to what end? were all going to die anyway. Also it will only get worse and worse and imagine if I have kids and then get suicidal again. I cant allow that. I need to put an end to this madness I think before I hurt others. My family will understand, but my child or partner? There is too much unknown for me to deal with and the ringing is already maddening as it is. Ive become a different person due to this. I died 3.5 months ago I think, Im nothing more than a vessel.
 
#7
Brett_angel said:
Exactly. Your brains believes 100% you Cant get over it and live with it .My brain was exactly the same. However it can be done and I did it from.a very very bad place . You can too.
Click to expand...
You probably mean well but especially at the beginning or after a recent spike the last thing some people want to hear is that it's all just a matter of having the right mindset or that they'll be just fine. We know that certain people shouldn't be told to get used to it, the focus should be on just getting through the day.

@jasonbourne Life with (severe) tinnitus can be extremely tough. I'm not here to sugarcoat that, though I truly hope you'll be able to cope better with time..

Honestly, I just wanted to say please hang in there. There are two devices that will probably come out in the early 2020s (so maybe already in 1 1/2 years), by the University of Michigan and the University of Minnesota, and that are aimed at actually reducing tinnitus. More potential treatments are on the way but they will probably take a few years.
 
#8
jasonbourne said:
I appreciate your reply but this I've been through brutal shit in my life already. I know what suffering is, and I'm not the person to ever give up. This is just something that MY BRAIN I 100% believe cant ever get over and live with.

What hurts the most is that I'm only 25 and it's only going to get louder and louder. My dreams of starting a family and moving somewhere quiet are dead. Fuck this life.
Click to expand...

I am 28 and feel the same way, but you are so early into this. I have Severe Hyperacusis and Severe Tinnitus. I cant even talk how bad my H is without feeling discomfort. Give it some time like a year or so and I bet things will be better.
 
#9
As someone that lives with beyond intrusive tinnitus 24-7, I can say that it does make life a bit challenging. It's the grim reality I accept and face every day. I know what my reality is. Only I can help myself and live my life. The tinnitus will not get quieter for me. I tell myself "your ringing is HELL level", "what are you going to do?". I make use of exercising (5 days a week and on treadmill for about 25 minutes as well). I make use of sound enrichment. These 2 things are huge for me and help me live a good life.

YOU/WE need to figure out how to live with the tinnitus and still move forward with our lives. Living with tinnitus is never an easy thing. It's not, if you have intrusive tinnitus....It's even harder. I have tried many things in my over 30 years to make life a little easier with the tinnitus. After many years/decades I finally found a routine that counters my tinnitus and gives it NO POWER over me.

I feel your pain and you have my deepest EMPATHY!

PS-This life has been a puzzle for me in many ways. Everyday I try to piece it together. I have wanted to quit many times before, but that's not a choice for me. As long as we try each day, something eventually can make sense....

PSS-These are my routines, that work for me. You can try, whatever that works for you. As long as we distract our focus from the ringing, that is the goal.
 
#11
dpdx said:
I am 28 and feel the same way, but you are so early into this. I have Severe Hyperacusis and Severe Tinnitus. I cant even talk how bad my H is without feeling discomfort. Give it some time like a year or so and I bet things will be better.
Click to expand...

Remember I had mild tinnitus for one year and dealt with it, im not exactly new to it. Even so, I've had a lot of issues in my life; alcoholism, depression, anxiety etc so I know my limits and I know what its like to suffer. Alcohol withdrawal is a beast that will break most people but I never did. This is just something that I cant solve, theres no hope.

Also when my tinnitus was the beginning of its worst I feared every sound, so I know what severe hyperacusis is like. I had to change my smoke alarm batteries when for years I never even noticed/cared for the beeping. I also had to wear headphones with nothing playing to block everyday sounds
 
#12
Autumnly said:
You probably mean well but especially at the beginning or after a recent spike the last thing some people want to hear is that it's all just a matter of having the right mindset or that they'll be just fine. We know that certain people shouldn't be told to get used to it, the focus should be on just getting through the day.

@jasonbourne Life with (severe) tinnitus can be extremely tough. I'm not here to sugarcoat that, though I truly hope you'll be able to cope better with time..

Honestly, I just wanted to say please hang in there. There are two devices that will probably come out in the early 2020s (so maybe already in 1 1/2 years), by the University of Michigan and the University of Minnesota, and that are aimed at actually reducing tinnitus. More potential treatments are on the way but they will probably take a few years.
Click to expand...

I dont agree at all. Sorry . I have and had severe tinnitus. I didn't say lightly that having a different mindset would suddenly change things. However , following a very structured cognitive programs will change things. I know because I've been and am there. If I know things can change I will say it. So I am.
 
#13
jasonbourne said:
Remember I had mild tinnitus for one year and dealt with it, im not exactly new to it. Even so, I've had a lot of issues in my life; alcoholism, depression, anxiety etc so I know my limits and I know what its like to suffer. Alcohol withdrawal is a beast that will break most people but I never did. This is just something that I cant solve, theres no hope.

Also when my tinnitus was the beginning of its worst I feared every sound, so I know what severe hyperacusis is like. I had to change my smoke alarm batteries when for years I never even noticed/cared for the beeping. I also had to wear headphones with nothing playing to block everyday sounds
Click to expand...

Did your H fade away?
 
#16
dpdx said:
Did your H fade away?
Click to expand...
It did, but I attribute it more to my mental toughness. Ive been through some serious shit in my life.
edit* Just to elaborate Ive learned to deal with mental stuff a lot in my life, like panic attacks etc so H is not new territory. The problem is tinnitus is not mental when it reaches a certain volume (no longer about reaction). Its just not possible.

Thanks for all the replies guys, i dont have the energy to reply but I read every one.

My mind hasnt changed though. I really feel this is the end of the line. Your replies are no different from the ones ive read while lurking, like a copy and paste. No offense at all, I appreciate it, but it doesnt help :(.

Remember that this mostly just a vent for me and dont hold it against me too much.
 
#17
No one can help you unless you want to help yourself, we are all internet strangers in the end and frankly we are here to give each other support in ways that only the web can allow. T will always be a personal journey, how one deals with their t will dictate where their future will go. Not everyone deals with the stress of t the same way, frankly I believe you can overcome it and this is just a really dark moment in your life, but I don't know you so I'll wish you luck and hope that it goes away.

Suicide is not the way out, it is very permanent whereas t might not be.
 
#19
imagination must have gave Decibel and Frequency Therapeutics combined close to 140 million to find treatments for hearing loss and other inner ear conditions.
 
#21
#22
coffee_girl said:
No one can help you unless you want to help yourself, we are all internet strangers in the end and frankly we are here to give each other support in ways that only the web can allow. T will always be a personal journey, how one deals with their t will dictate where their future will go. Not everyone deals with the stress of t the same way, frankly I believe you can overcome it and this is just a really dark moment in your life, but I don't know you so I'll wish you luck and hope that it goes away.

Suicide is not the way out, it is very permanent whereas t might not be.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your kind words, but as far as we know tinnitus is permanent. I dont believe in maybe and might and what if.
 
#24
Even if a cure isn't on the horizon... What about 20 years from now? Or 30? You never know when it will arrive, you might want to stick around to see whats up.
 
#25
coffee_girl said:
Even if a cure isn't on the horizon... What about 20 years from now? Or 30? You never know when it will arrive, you might want to stick around to see whats up.
Click to expand...
if we were immortal I would. In 20 years ill be 45, my youth dead. I cant handle that what is the best part of my life has been robbed from me.

We are all on the clock, dont forget that. Id rather die with my dignity.
 
#26
jasonbourne said:
What I meant was there is nothing to even suggest a cure or treatment is being released anytime soon.
Click to expand...
This is about the device by Susan Shore from the University of Michigan, she was recently on a podcast: "-The efforts to get the product on the market begin late 2019, and hopefully we see a device in 2020. She doesn't want to promise anything too early though." source
 
#27
jasonbourne said:
if we were immortal I would. In 20 years ill be 45, my youth dead. I cant handle that what is the best part of my life has been robbed from me.

We are all on the clock, dont forget that. Id rather die with my dignity.
Click to expand...


I'm a few years older than you and honestly I can say that I'm looking forward to getting older... Being young was great and all but there are so many things that come with age that makes it so much more fun and exciting. I never want to go back, everything is life is much more refined... Beautiful, and exquisite. Your best years are ahead not behind.

And 45 is still very young, I have many friends who are 20 years my senior and you wouldn't believe that they live a life much more meaningful and active than I do sometimes.
 
#28
It's good to vent and find ways to release your anger and disappointment or whatever. I know it's frustrating to be told the same thing and see the same answers, from a logical perspective it's just what you've seen everyone else go through. But we don't have to be logical about it all the time, sometimes we just need to know we are in the same boat and feel like we aren't completely isolated.

It's why I come here from time to time now. Some days...like today, I feel like I'm not strong enough to cope like I'm used to and need to see how others are doing. My tinnitus right now is not really intrusive but I'm just not handling it the best way, but I've had times when it was loud and horrible and I got through it. Logically that gives me enough to say I can deal with it better if I can get my body and mind in the right place.

There's every possibility that by taking care of your ears and trying to live a healthy and positive lifestyle might see reductions in your tinnitus volume. Most of us know that compared to the bad days we'd take any reduction because we've become so used to when it's at its worst. Keep exploring things that might improve your tinnitus, you can't say you've tried everything so you can always have the slightest of hopes, and in that exploring, things might just improve regardless. If everyone gave up hope then nothing would get done.
 
#29
jasonbourne said:
Ive never had cbt. What I meant was there is nothing to even suggest a cure or treatment is being released anytime soon.
Click to expand...

Based on what I've learned in the past few months since my own tinnitus onset, I'd say your assertion is simply not true. I guess it might depend on one's definition of "cure" or "treatment". But there are almost limitless things people can try for themselves. -- It's appeared to me that the most proactive and creatively thinking people on this forum are the ones who make the most progress in improving their overall situation. And yes, some have even been able to leave tinnitus behind them for good. -- All the Best!
 
#30
Lane said:
Based on what I've learned in the past few months since my own tinnitus onset, I'd say your assertion is simply not true. I guess it might depend on one's definition of "cure" or "treatment". But there are almost limitless things people can try for themselves. -- It's appeared to me that the most proactive and creatively thinking people on this forum are the ones who make the most progress in improving their overall situation. And yes, some have even been able to leave tinnitus behind them for good. -- All the Best!
Click to expand...

posts like this make me angry beyond belief, and remind me how hopeless we really are.
 

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