I Don't Want to Be Here Anymore

[hoper]

@derpytia:
Auris Medical sent me an Email.
the potential of am101 is not full exhausted. it can be much more effective than it is now.
am102 is at the beginning of the study.

 

[tinnitussufferer]

Hey all it is now midnight on New Year's Eve and I am still awake because I cannot sleep because my body won't let me. I've been nonstop crying since yesterday at 9:30 AM and am honestly surprised that my tear ducts are still making tears at this point, you'd think I'd run out. I'm a wreck. I honestly am so tired mentally and emotionally and my body feels so broken. But nevermind that I have to take a flight back down south to go back to college in a few days. Nevermind that plane rides always spike my T. Nevermind that this latest 'spike' turned out to be permanent. Nevermind that my holiday was terrible through and through and I found no joy in it.

I was doing SO WELL and was slowly on my way to learning to live with this crap. And I didn't do ANYTHING. All I did was go to work, come home, go Xmas light watching with my boyfiend, come home do a little internet leisure time and then went to bed. I was supposed to go to work today at 2pm and was going to sleep in till noon. But no. I woke up at 9:30 AM turned over on my other side to get back to sleep and boom I heard that new tone loud and clear. It has not gone away. I protect and protect. I don't go to loud concerts, I always turn the TV down, I'm a musician and now I don't even listen/play music except for maybe once every two or three weeks!

I know I know 'don't let the T win' but honestly, it's a passive battle that I cannot win. And I'm TIRED. I'm tired of fighting, of trying to cope, of even living. Living brings me no joy anymore; not that I had a lot of joy in it to begin with. My life was a mess from the day I was born. It just keeps getting worse and I feel like I wish my mother had not told the doctor to do a C-section to save my sorry life when she was hemorrhaging. I could never commit suicide. I don't have the willpower for that and I am afraid of death. But I simply just wish not to live because living is equally painful now with T. T is not my friend, T is not my brain's music, T is not helping me to stop and appreciate little things in life. T is my enemy and it's winning.

I'm only 21 years old. I should not have this happening to me. I should be with my friends and going out and enjoying parties and movies and shopping. I should be creating albums and writing songs and performing like I always dreamed of and worked hard for many many years to do. And here I was afraid of having T get so bad that when I'm 60 I will be like those elderly folks I've seen in homes before (only younger) who just have no willpower to live because their body and mind is out of their control.

I don't have hope that there will be a cure soon if ever. I've seen the posts on here by people more educated than I am about medical science. If a cure is ever found, I'll bet you the drug companies will not sell it so they can make more money off of us treating it temporarily. But we don't even know how the cochlea and the brain work together! We haven't got a clear idea of how any of that truly works in there. I cannot go to AM 101 it is not in my state and I do not have the funds to go somewhere else (plus plane rides and long drives spike my T which would be counterproductive). I have eye problems already and cannot afford to risk side effects of Retigabine. I've been watching the Autifony trials and they are turning out to be just as inefficient as AM 101 was.

And that's what has been festering in my brain since I've been trying to habituate.

I'm only 21 years old and T has robbed me of my sanity, my happiness, and my physical health. I'm tired.

but how do you know its not going to go down again?

 

[tinnitussufferer]

I'll tell you all a tale about a guy named Jeff. When Jeff was a teenager, he dove into a shallow swimming pool and broke his neck. He became quadriplegic and lost nearly all motor function from the neck down. He lost the ability to do even the most basic things that we all take for granted. Forty years later, not only has he survived, he has thrived. He has regained some motor activity in his arms/hands and can drive now. I know that because I drove with him a couple of times. Since he can't use his fingers, he has to put his wrists into these brackets attached to the steering wheel and steer mostly with his elbows. Seeing him drive this way scared the shit out of me the first, but after a few minutes it became clear that he was a vastly superior driver than most full-bodied people on the damn road. Anyway, he drove me to a studio where he and my cousin Timmy were going to record Christmas songs. Yes, Jeff sings and he is pretty damn good at it. He is the most inspiring person I know and he has accomplished so much with so little.

Catastrophic thinking doesn't do anybody any good. Having T is bad enough without having an 'all-or-nothing' outlook on things. Whenever I get all nihilistic and bleak about what the future might hold for me, I remind myself that none of it could be worse than what Jeff has endured and risen above.

Everybody experiences and copes with things in different ways. For some people tinnitus can be so bad that nothing short of a cure will give them relief. Others are happy to live with it.

 

[Vincent R]

@valeri
@Marlene

I'll make a thread about it in the near future, and I will notify the two of you when I come around it.

 

[Marlene]

That's kind of you Vincent.every thing helps .X

 

[JTP]

@Derbytia, I've had those thoughts too. It is a long tedious process, but after a while you will be just fine. The sound will lose its terror no matter how ugly it is. Just believe it.

 

[Ang]

I know how hard it is to believe everyone here . No one but people with tinnitus actually know how you are feeling. So you must trust us when we tell you , you will adapt.... It will happen . Your brain will eventually put it on the back burner and carry on . That will happen when you least expect it and you will be shocked when you have gone an hour without it bothering you . No sleep made go crazy 8 months of it. I would only fall asleep if I was exhausted from crying. Ask your dr if he/ she would recommend anything to help with that. Being rested helps tremendously .

 

[Fa82]

@derpytia hope you're feeling slightly better. We got this thing called habituation that might start to work its way out of this for us. Your brain is stronger than you imagine it is. It may seem like slow progress but it is progress nonetheless. Yes, there will be back steps and missteps where you think you're almost there and then its back to square one. However, it is possible to get there steadily - and in your own time. Keep believing you can get through another day of this and you will.

 

[VaR]

@derpytia I hope you feel better.

 

[ampumpkin]

@derpytia Please reach out to us and let us know how you are doing. PLEASE... don't stay alone!!! we are here to help!!

In the meantime, big hugs xx

 

[flkb]

I hope everyone especially the topic creator is in a better place mentally. It really is difficult. We've all or a lot of us including myself have wandered down that ugly road. Friends and family have helped me a lot. I'm still not used to this and it's been a few years already. Mine is high pitch EEE and now recently I'm also getting a vibrating dryer spinning next door sound as well. I tell myself to stay positive and to think about my wife and kids.
It's not easy but we need to try.
Please to whomever mentioned the meditation, please share it with us. I definitely could use any help. Thanks.

 

[Danny Boy]

I already had tinnitus and I was starting to habituate. I woke up this morning to the loudest and most deep tone I could have ever imagined in my left ear... I can't do this anymore guys I just can't. I don't have any hope and I just don't want to be here anymore. I am actually praying that god will take me away now or sometime soon because I quite literally cannot function. My brain has taken too much and this is it. This is all I can handle. I cannot be here in this broken body anymore.

Hopefully you get better! Do you take any meds?

 

[billie48]

She has gotten better and has written her success story here:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/threads/hey-remember-me-im-a-little-better.8853/

This is quite awesome considering how desperate she was at the start. Never give up hope.

 

[Rachel78]

Its a pity this already not very nice condition has the cheek to torment sufferers even more by changing its tone and volume at sometimes seemingly random times....... hang in there and take some pleasure in the little things and your mood will lift and your t will improve

I already had tinnitus and I was starting to habituate. I woke up this morning to the loudest and most deep tone I could have ever imagined in my left ear... I can't do this anymore guys I just can't. I don't have any hope and I just don't want to be here anymore. I am actually praying that god will take me away now or sometime soon because I quite literally cannot function. My brain has taken too much and this is it. This is all I can handle. I cannot be here in this broken body anymore.

 

[Rachel78]

This is exactly what happened to me after 7 months of hell and learning to cope this morning I woke up with Constant loud low frequency buzz in left ear. Is there any hope? I found this thread in a Google search and this story is the same as mine. I am also a musican and I've had enough.

 

[Samantha R]

@Rachel78 I had a low humming noise on and off for a week only. It has not returned. So yes, there is definitely hope. Stay strong. X