I Probably Will End It All

I read that habituation often takes over 18 months to achieve. Postpone making this decision for another 13-20 months... Try to ride it out.
 
Hey momo,

I'm also very young with T, being only 21 and having it since I was 19. I promise you if you just continue to live your life it will get much easier. Go out and drink with your friends, go have fun. It's not the end of the world, as much as it can sometimes feel like that. I'm hungover right now so my T is really loud, but I just don't focus on it. It's a part of me. You have lots of friends here who understand. Feel free to shoot me or anybody you think might help a message. I'm sure no one would mind. Life is still rad, but only if you don't let T have control over you.
 
I understand that it is very difficult for you right now, we've all been through that.

You, wanting to end your life is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem. You don't really want to die, you just want T to stop. Why would ending your life help you in any way? The reason you want it to stop is so that you can live a normal life no?

My sister committed suicide last month, from years of depression. As someone who unfortunately has the first-hand experience on this, ending your life is the most selfish thing you can do. You leave behind people who will carry the grief of losing you for the rest of their life, setting their whole world upside down and basically just handing over your pain times a million. If you care at all about the people who love you, you will see that ending your life is a waste and really a dumb solution for something that can improve and become better. I've not even heard my T for the last month ever since she left, nor do I obsess about it the way I used to. T has become such a trivial thing in my life when there is a pain in your body and soul that will never go away, it'll just be something that might become lighter to carry around.
 
@momo Hi Momo take the advice you've read here and just try to take one moment at a time.
When I get down on myself and negative thoughts start to invade my head I will remind myself to "be kind to my mind". Life is hard enough with TEEEE as we all know....only way I know how to fight it or live with it is to keep repeating that phrase.....Have you seen anyone ? Maybe you can get on some Meds to help you through this rough period until you feel strong enough.

Hang in there stay strong and keep posting.

Carlos
 
It's been nearly 5 months now and no change. My life is a piece of shit. Nobody cares anymore and everyone is tired of me even bringing it up. Even my mum doesn't want to hear about it. I feel so alone.

Here I sit in my room on a Friday night with my ears ringing and tears streaming down my face while all my friends are out partying and drinking and having fun. I am literally such a loser and so pathetic.

I can't live my life like this. I am so ready to fucking kill myself before I even turn 26. Like what is the point. I can't even read a book. I can't relax.

I'm supposed to be going on holiday but how can I even chill and sunbathe and relax when all I hear is EEEEEEEEEEEEE every second of the day.

I had such high hopes for my life even before Christmas and big dreams and hopes and now my dream is to have peace and quiet?

That's not a life. This isn't a life. I can't live like this and I won't live like this much longer.

Just wanted somebody to know. Thanks. Bye.

Hi momo, I want you to know that we all understand what you are going through. Everything single thing that you wrote we have all felt, so you're not alone. Please understand that five months is nothing for a condition like this; it takes time to process our emotions similar to how grief works. At this point you're directly under the influence of your catastrophic thoughts, but you have no idea how you'll feel in two, three or five years time. Most people habituate in time, and when you do you won't care anymore, or at least, will care very little. Life is full of bumps in the road that we have to learn to overcome, but believe me, we are capable of overcoming extraordinary things.

Please read this success story that I once found of a fellow sufferer online. Her story mirrors yours:

Hello everyone,

This is a little of my story and what I believe about tinnitus.

Four years ago, I woke up one morning with both ears ringing - both at different pitches and very loud. I made a visit to the doctors, was referred to the ENT and later had an MRI scan. I then developed hyperacusis after taking s herbal remedy for blocked Eustachian tubes. During this time of waiting and reading about tinnitus on the Internet and on many negative, disheartening forums and notice boards, I gradually became more fearful, anxious and depressed and truly believed that there was absolutely no way on this earth that I could live with the level of sound it was causing. A normal and happy life seemed completely out of the question and seemed like an impossibility.

I slowly changed from being a happily married mum of two wonderful teenage daughters to a completely depressed, anxious and suicidal wreck. I was unable to leave the house due to thefrequent panic attacks and to the constant crying. I spent hours sitting and waiting for the tinnitus to go so that I could have my life back. I would constantly monitor the sound and check which rooms in the house it was better or worse in. Life was a nightmare. Every morning on waking, I would go straight into a panic attack. I lost three stone in weight and really did reach meltdown point. I lost my will to live and my fight against tinnitus.

However, at about ten months, my husband andour very good friends decided to take me away on holiday as part of an attempt to help me recover. I didn't want to go as was terrified of flying and Iwas still crying a lot at the time. Anyway, I went along.

During that holiday, I remember being in the car and forgetting about tinnitus for about 15minutes. It was a massive turning point for me... I was amazed that I had actually managed to forget about it. I'm not saying that a holiday is the answer but I do know that it was getting out and about and doing things again that started to make a difference.

After that, the times of forgetting became more frequent and lasted longer. Later, I stopped reading about tinnitus and stopped trying to find a cure. Slowly but surely I started to live again.... I literally felt like I had come back from the dead. I stopped speaking in a monotone voice and started smiling again. Life all of a sudden was good and I was loving every minute of what I felt like was a second chance to live.

Nothing had really changed. I still had tinnitus - It seemed to be just as loud. The only thing that had changed was my perception or beliefs about tinnitus..

Over the past few years I have learned that tinnitus does not make me depressed or anxious. However, it's fair to say that depression andanxiety make tinnitus worse. In my experience, I have found that Tinnitus is largely a centralnervous system problem and is exacerbated by negative emotions. Fear is the ultimate culpritwhich creates anxiety and depression. Our bodies go into fight or flight and our brains subsequently focus so intently on the noise because it isperceived as a threat. This results in the tinnitus sounding so much more 'intrusive' or louder.

In my personal experience, when I lost my fear of tinnitus, the anxiety left and so did the depression. The added bonus was that because my brain no longer perceived it as a threat, It stopped focusing on the noise which resulted in the tinnitus being much less intrusive and so it was so much quieter. I soon found that I was able to go for very long periods of time where I didn't even hear it.

For the majority of the time, tinnitus doesn'tbother me. If I do hear it, it doesn't cause feelings of anxiety, panic or depression. However, if it ever does raise it's ugly head and becomes the monster that it once was, I know that in order to fight it, I need to focus on looking after my emotions.Positive beliefs have a powerful effect on our bodies and tinnitus is definitely a problem which is conquered in this way. Tinnitus doesn't stick a chance of ruining our lives when we are not fearful of it. If tinnitus doesn't cause us fear or depression and doesnt bother us, then it's as good as if its gone - think about it. :)

If you are reading this and are at your wits end, I want to let you know that things can and do improve massively. My life is as good now with tinnitus as it was before tinnitus. Take one day at a time. It just takes a little time and a different way of thinking.

Love to you all,
God bless,
Aly
xx
 
hey momo, i try not to say things like i know how you feel but honestly i do know what it feels like. Its been 5 months for me as well, i dont go anywhere at all I'm stuck in my house all the time as well, i do know what your going through. My parents got so sick of me going on about it as well when i was around them, i just needed someone to know how bad this shit really is because i felt like i just couldn't deal with it. To some degree i still feel as though i can't, but its the days when i feel ok that is making me feel like i have to carry on. 5 month is a long time to have a noise in your head but its not long enough to know whether you can or can't live with it. It might change as time goes on, it might just become the only thing you know when enough time goes by or it might calm down a more acceptable level. You may want to die and i can relate but how much do you want to live? for me i want to live more than i want to die. Its tough and its rough as hell now with this noise but we just got to keep on fighting. Think about your parents, they would be completely broken. The only reason I'm here is because i mask it, all day long, day and night which is not much life but for me its better than death.
 
I understand that it is very difficult for you right now, we've all been through that.

You, wanting to end your life is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem. You don't really want to die, you just want T to stop. Why would ending your life help you in any way? The reason you want it to stop is so that you can live a normal life no?

My sister committed suicide last month, from years of depression. As someone who unfortunately has the first-hand experience on this, ending your life is the most selfish thing you can do. You leave behind people who will carry the grief of losing you for the rest of their life, setting their whole world upside down and basically just handing over your pain times a million. If you care at all about the people who love you, you will see that ending your life is a waste and really a dumb solution for something that can improve and become better. I've not even heard my T for the last month ever since she left, nor do I obsess about it the way I used to. T has become such a trivial thing in my life when there is a pain in your body and soul that will never go away, it'll just be something that might become lighter to carry around.

I still think about you Fangen as what you must be going through is heartbreaking. You are right in that it sometimes takes a bigger problem to shine a spotlight onto our obsessions. When we have an opportunity to stand outside of ourselves, and see our problems from a different perspective, it can be very enlightening. I hope you've got good support around you, and know that you can message me anytime.
 
It's been nearly 5 months now and no change. My life is a piece of shit. Nobody cares anymore and everyone is tired of me even bringing it up. Even my mum doesn't want to hear about it. I feel so alone.

Here I sit in my room on a Friday night with my ears ringing and tears streaming down my face while all my friends are out partying and drinking and having fun. I am literally such a loser and so pathetic.

I can't live my life like this. I am so ready to fucking kill myself before I even turn 26. Like what is the point. I can't even read a book. I can't relax.

I'm supposed to be going on holiday but how can I even chill and sunbathe and relax when all I hear is EEEEEEEEEEEEE every second of the day.

I had such high hopes for my life even before Christmas and big dreams and hopes and now my dream is to have peace and quiet?

That's not a life. This isn't a life. I can't live like this and I won't live like this much longer.

Just wanted somebody to know. Thanks. Bye.

Do you have your audiogram handy and do you know the exact frequency of your tinnitus?
 
This thread is a bit old, but I've been absent for two weeks so I'll take a crack at it anyways if I may be allowed.

I understand where you are coming from. In fact, months before your tinnitus set in I was pretty intent on killing myself to. Frustrated by the lack of a cure or effective treatment, having antidepressants or seemingly useless therapies shoved in my face, its a pretty awful thing to endure.

While I hope to be encouraging I also want to be realistic so I don't get your hopes up. Most research I have read indicates that tinnitus intensity reaches peak within the first few months and then declines downward. My tinnitus still sucks today but its not as bad as it was last summer.

One study I did a report on for one of my classes indicated that in tinnitus patients (chronic suffers defined as having it 1 year or longer) the auditory cortex where the noise is processed is more closely linked to the amygdala, a part of the limbic system associated with fear reactions and initiating fight or flight. Interestingly, and depressingly, the amygdala is hyperactive or enlarged in patients with depression and anxiety (which can be co-morbid). This pattern persists even after remission of depressive symptoms.

To be clear, I don't say these things to scare you. My goal on this site is to educate people, and sadly, most research on tinnitus is rather depressing to read. What I am getting at by telling you this is that ruminating about the noise won't help. Believe me, I had a good three months of laying in bed and ruminating about it. Depression can certainly worse tinnitus among other things. My advice is try going for a walk or doing some form of light exercise. It resets your HPA axis (which secrete cortisol) and lowers anxiety. It also lowers blood pressure (sometime later anyways) and releases endorphins so you might begin to feel better.

At the very least don't ruminate over it. It's terrible and we all wish it would go away, but right now it isn't realistic. It could go away in a year, or it could never go away, there's just no telling. In the meantime, I would try to occupy your time with something that makes you happy or at least keeps you busy. As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety (and suicidal idealization) its a dark hole no one should be in.

Go live life. Your tinnitus doesn't show any signs of stopping right now, but there's no reason to let it define you. Don't be like me in that respect.
 
initiating fight or flight. Interestingly, and depressingly, the amygdala is hyperactive or enlarged in patients with depression and anxiety (which can be co-morbid). This pattern persists
So there was a study done on this , they say 15-30 minutes a day of meditation can shrink your amygdala. I had read this in some articles published by a university in Massachusetts.
 
So there was a study done on this , they say 15-30 minutes a day of meditation can shrink your amygdala. I had read this in some articles published by a university in Massachusetts.
Unless mine is enlarged I don't want to shrink it, but make it less active.
 
This thread is a bit old, but I've been absent for two weeks so I'll take a crack at it anyways if I may be allowed.

I understand where you are coming from. In fact, months before your tinnitus set in I was pretty intent on killing myself to. Frustrated by the lack of a cure or effective treatment, having antidepressants or seemingly useless therapies shoved in my face, its a pretty awful thing to endure.

While I hope to be encouraging I also want to be realistic so I don't get your hopes up. Most research I have read indicates that tinnitus intensity reaches peak within the first few months and then declines downward. My tinnitus still sucks today but its not as bad as it was last summer.

One study I did a report on for one of my classes indicated that in tinnitus patients (chronic suffers defined as having it 1 year or longer) the auditory cortex where the noise is processed is more closely linked to the amygdala, a part of the limbic system associated with fear reactions and initiating fight or flight. Interestingly, and depressingly, the amygdala is hyperactive or enlarged in patients with depression and anxiety (which can be co-morbid). This pattern persists even after remission of depressive symptoms.

To be clear, I don't say these things to scare you. My goal on this site is to educate people, and sadly, most research on tinnitus is rather depressing to read. What I am getting at by telling you this is that ruminating about the noise won't help. Believe me, I had a good three months of laying in bed and ruminating about it. Depression can certainly worse tinnitus among other things. My advice is try going for a walk or doing some form of light exercise. It resets your HPA axis (which secrete cortisol) and lowers anxiety. It also lowers blood pressure (sometime later anyways) and releases endorphins so you might begin to feel better.

At the very least don't ruminate over it. It's terrible and we all wish it would go away, but right now it isn't realistic. It could go away in a year, or it could never go away, there's just no telling. In the meantime, I would try to occupy your time with something that makes you happy or at least keeps you busy. As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety (and suicidal idealization) its a dark hole no one should be in.

Go live life. Your tinnitus doesn't show any signs of stopping right now, but there's no reason to let it define you. Don't be like me in that respect.

This is the best post, I have ever seen you post. Whatever you have been doing lately, is showing in your posts and you are being very positive as well. This type of attitude, is the kind of attitude that wins in the end....no matter if your tinnitus gets better or gets more chaotic. Keep moving forward the direction, that your post is dictating.

I love how for once you said "LIVE YOUR LIFE", the tinnitus might be scary and annoying, but "LIVE YOUR LIFE". Those are powerful statements and I live by those virtues every day...
 
My sister committed suicide last month, from years of depression. As someone who unfortunately has the first-hand experience on this, ending your life is the most selfish thing you can do. You leave behind people who will carry the grief of losing you for the rest of their life, setting their whole world upside down and basically just handing over your pain times a million.

I am so very sorry for your loss but your words are like a knife to the heart.

You must remember that her suicide is not about not knowing how much she was loved but about the pain none of you OBVIOUSLY understood!

And that I call selfish... and tragic!
 
I read that habituation often takes over 18 months to achieve. Postpone making this decision for another 13-20 months... Try to ride it out.

Good advice. From what I understand habituation is a gradual process, and there are four stages of habituation that most people with tinnitus go through, so even those who only have tinnitus for ten months or a year stand a pretty good chance of experiencing some noticeable degree of improvement, regarding their distress. I consider myself to be partially habituated, and I've had T for ten months.
 
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@momo ,
Do not even think about sad things! Yes, the situation is not easy. But it is possible and tedious to learn how to live! I would advise you to take at least some measures. Come together now! Try the antidepressant escitalopram - you know, if you can not change the situation now, you need to change the attitude towards it. The antidepressant can help in this, you can concentrate on some things. For example, reading books. In moments when the situation worsens, buy yourself tranquilizers and drink them situationally (not always). Next - always use sound enrichment - quiet background music, walk through the forest with rustling foliage and singing birds! In the end - you can try a hearing aid. To many it helps to alleviate the symptoms of tinnitus at least while wearing And, finally, hope that soon you can come up with some kind of specific treatment! Human life is a very expensive thing. And she's our one. Hold on and look for a ray in any situation! Harmony and health!
 
I have been on vacation and a bit late to respond to this thread. But @momo, you have been given excellent advice from everybody. Remember we have all been there like you are now when our T was new and highly intrusive. Dark thoughts like yours crossed my mind everyday. It is quite common for new tinnitus sufferers to have suicidal ideations but few would do the unthinkable.

I have entertained such thoughts to the point of checking out youtube for people withe near death experiences from suicide. After reading and watching their stories, I decided to just stay put and take whatever T (and for me severe hyperacusis too) could throw at me. The alternatives are just too unpleasant as told by these folks who have come back to tell their stories.

I had to depended on taking Ativan (a benzo) and Prozac (an antidepressant) and sleeping pills just to survive each day of relentless anxiety and panic attacks due to my having suffered prior condition of anxiety and panic disorder for decades prior to T & H.

I never thought I could recover and live a normal life. But today I do just that, living a normal, productive and absolutely enjoyable life. Just came back from a 3 weeks vacation and planning on another one in December with the whole family. What T? It is still there but it can't create any negative emotions from me anymore. Couldn't do that initially and never thought I can do that. However, time did some wonder and the body did the rest. Don't trust what your mind is telling you know. It will be quite different over time.

If a person like me with prior condition of anxiety and panic disorder and PTSD (after witnessing my son's tragic death), with ultra high pitch T and severe H, someone who was overwhelmed by relentless anxiety and panic attacks when T & H hit and had to depend on medications to survive each day, if I can make it after some time, have faith that you can make it too. Just hang in there and don't rush anything. Like others have said, things can change for the better and your perception of T can also improve over time. Let T be. Let the rest of your life be. Life is precious and you only have one life to live. Live it regardless of T. You will be just fine like those who have written success stories. Read them up to give you hope. Good life can be back. Believe it. Take care. God bless.
 
I have been on vacation and a bit late to respond to this thread. But @momo, you have been given excellent advice from everybody. Remember we have all been there like you are now when our T was new and highly intrusive. Dark thoughts like yours crossed my mind everyday. It is quite common for new tinnitus sufferers to have suicidal ideations but few would do the unthinkable.

I have entertained such thoughts to the point of checking out youtube for people withe near death experiences from suicide. After reading and watching their stories, I decided to just stay put and take whatever T (and for me severe hyperacusis too) could throw at me. The alternatives are just too unpleasant as told by these folks who have come back to tell their stories.

I had to depended on taking Ativan (a benzo) and Prozac (an antidepressant) and sleeping pills just to survive each day of relentless anxiety and panic attacks due to my having suffered prior condition of anxiety and panic disorder for decades prior to T & H.

I never thought I could recover and live a normal life. But today I do just that, living a normal, productive and absolutely enjoyable life. Just came back from a 3 weeks vacation and planning on another one in December with the whole family. What T? It is still there but it can't create any negative emotions from me anymore. Couldn't do that initially and never thought I can do that. However, time did some wonder and the body did the rest. Don't trust what your mind is telling you know. It will be quite different over time.

If a person like me with prior condition of anxiety and panic disorder and PTSD (after witnessing my son's tragic death), with ultra high pitch T and severe H, someone who was overwhelmed by relentless anxiety and panic attacks when T & H hit and had to depend on medications to survive each day, if I can make it after some time, have faith that you can make it too. Just hang in there and don't rush anything. Like others have said, things can change for the better and your perception of T can also improve over time. Let T be. Let the rest of your life be. Life is precious and you only have one life to live. Live it regardless of T. You will be just fine like those who have written success stories. Read them up to give you hope. Good life can be back. Believe it. Take care. God bless.


This is amazing.
What do you think @TracyJS ?
 
I have been on vacation and a bit late to respond to this thread. But @momo, you have been given excellent advice from everybody. Remember we have all been there like you are now when our T was new and highly intrusive. Dark thoughts like yours crossed my mind everyday. It is quite common for new tinnitus sufferers to have suicidal ideations but few would do the unthinkable.

I have entertained such thoughts to the point of checking out youtube for people withe near death experiences from suicide. After reading and watching their stories, I decided to just stay put and take whatever T (and for me severe hyperacusis too) could throw at me. The alternatives are just too unpleasant as told by these folks who have come back to tell their stories.

I had to depended on taking Ativan (a benzo) and Prozac (an antidepressant) and sleeping pills just to survive each day of relentless anxiety and panic attacks due to my having suffered prior condition of anxiety and panic disorder for decades prior to T & H.

I never thought I could recover and live a normal life. But today I do just that, living a normal, productive and absolutely enjoyable life. Just came back from a 3 weeks vacation and planning on another one in December with the whole family. What T? It is still there but it can't create any negative emotions from me anymore. Couldn't do that initially and never thought I can do that. However, time did some wonder and the body did the rest. Don't trust what your mind is telling you know. It will be quite different over time.

If a person like me with prior condition of anxiety and panic disorder and PTSD (after witnessing my son's tragic death), with ultra high pitch T and severe H, someone who was overwhelmed by relentless anxiety and panic attacks when T & H hit and had to depend on medications to survive each day, if I can make it after some time, have faith that you can make it too. Just hang in there and don't rush anything. Like others have said, things can change for the better and your perception of T can also improve over time. Let T be. Let the rest of your life be. Life is precious and you only have one life to live. Live it regardless of T. You will be just fine like those who have written success stories. Read them up to give you hope. Good life can be back. Believe it. Take care. God bless.

You're an extraordinary person Billie. TT is lucky to have you.
 
@billie48, Do you still have extremely loud awakening tinnitus? If so, how do you calm it down? I am really loud atm. Sounds like a power line in my head.
 
I have been on vacation and a bit late to respond to this thread. But @momo, you have been given excellent advice from everybody. Remember we have all been there like you are now when our T was new and highly intrusive. Dark thoughts like yours crossed my mind everyday. It is quite common for new tinnitus sufferers to have suicidal ideations but few would do the unthinkable.

I have entertained such thoughts to the point of checking out youtube for people withe near death experiences from suicide. After reading and watching their stories, I decided to just stay put and take whatever T (and for me severe hyperacusis too) could throw at me. The alternatives are just too unpleasant as told by these folks who have come back to tell their stories.

I had to depended on taking Ativan (a benzo) and Prozac (an antidepressant) and sleeping pills just to survive each day of relentless anxiety and panic attacks due to my having suffered prior condition of anxiety and panic disorder for decades prior to T & H.

I never thought I could recover and live a normal life. But today I do just that, living a normal, productive and absolutely enjoyable life. Just came back from a 3 weeks vacation and planning on another one in December with the whole family. What T? It is still there but it can't create any negative emotions from me anymore. Couldn't do that initially and never thought I can do that. However, time did some wonder and the body did the rest. Don't trust what your mind is telling you know. It will be quite different over time.

If a person like me with prior condition of anxiety and panic disorder and PTSD (after witnessing my son's tragic death), with ultra high pitch T and severe H, someone who was overwhelmed by relentless anxiety and panic attacks when T & H hit and had to depend on medications to survive each day, if I can make it after some time, have faith that you can make it too. Just hang in there and don't rush anything. Like others have said, things can change for the better and your perception of T can also improve over time. Let T be. Let the rest of your life be. Life is precious and you only have one life to live. Live it regardless of T. You will be just fine like those who have written success stories. Read them up to give you hope. Good life can be back. Believe it. Take care. God bless.

Our stories are very similar. I truly understand the HELL you have been in and how much of a warrior you are. I can re-live all your moments, you been through a lot, as I have and it speaks volumes about your character :)
 
It's been nearly 5 months now and no change. My life is a piece of shit. Nobody cares anymore and everyone is tired of me even bringing it up. Even my mum doesn't want to hear about it. I feel so alone.

Here I sit in my room on a Friday night with my ears ringing and tears streaming down my face while all my friends are out partying and drinking and having fun. I am literally such a loser and so pathetic.

I can't live my life like this. I am so ready to fucking kill myself before I even turn 26. Like what is the point. I can't even read a book. I can't relax.

I'm supposed to be going on holiday but how can I even chill and sunbathe and relax when all I hear is EEEEEEEEEEEEE every second of the day.

I had such high hopes for my life even before Christmas and big dreams and hopes and now my dream is to have peace and quiet?

That's not a life. This isn't a life. I can't live like this and I won't live like this much longer.

Just wanted somebody to know. Thanks. Bye.

It is such a terrible condition and trust me, I've had it seriously bad and had the same dark thoughts as you...But I took trobalt and it worked for tinnitus, lowered it. It's not a safe medication, but there are future analogs based off of trobalt, with hopefully less side-effects. The reason I'm telling you this, is because it is possible to lower tinnitus levels and in the future we will have treatments. Please don't end your precious life, I would recommend mindfulness and meeting others with tinnitus near you, who understands what you are going through. Medication like clonazepam can lower tinnitus but also cause tinnitus or worsen it in withdrawal . If you need any help or someone to talk to PM me and I will help you through this and others on this forum care about you and want to help and support you. I'm sorry you are going through this. Life can be unfair.
 

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