I'm Depressed and Thinking About Suicide but...

[Bill Bauer]

When people say 'give it time' what is meant exactly?

Give it a year or two, and your T will hopefully end up being quieter by that time (and in addition you will habituate and not be as disturbed by it as you are now).

 

[Candy]

For me it kind of went to the back of my mind, you listen for it and it is there but it doesn't come to find you so much and you don't look for it, my brain knows not to. You start to engage with people without thinking of your tinnitus while they're talking (takes a while).

Plus your noise threshold improves. The sounds around you provide coverage, even a boiler and we are surrounded by sounds. It's a combination of things.

For me it gets louder in the afternoon and I suck sweets when that happens at work to keep me going, then once I am home I am ok. I have a routine work (it's a life saver), kids, house chores and everything becomes more predictable and therefore manageable after some time.

I know when I'm stressed or haven't slept the sound is louder. When I'm relaxed it is at baseline but not often lower than baseline. Then there are spikes (am having one now). Some people hardly perceive it after a while.

It's a journey that millions of people would have made... that's what I remind myself of.

 

[Bill Bauer]

@Candy Is it Sophia Loren on your avatar?

 

[Simon101]

@Simon101 thanks for this, needed it too as am going through a similar patch.

@Candy You're welcome. If you need any further advice/help please don't hesitate to ask.

Simon

 

[Daniel Lion]

@Candy Is it Sophia Loren on your avatar?

Ahhhhhhhh... Sophia Loren
Either Candy or Sophia... just gorgeous.

 

[Candy]

It is Sophia guys, sorry to disappoint

 

[Daniel Lion]

It is Sophia guys, sorry to disappoint

No disappoint, I love your avatar.

And you sound like an awesome mom, and human... holding down a job... keeping a family together.

You are a goddess, beautiful and graceful...

Sophia can only be your avatar...

PS. Love that picture, when smoking was cool... take good care.

 

[PeteJ]

For me it kind of went to the back of my mind, you listen for it and it is there but it doesn't come to find you so much and you don't look for it, my brain knows not to. You start to engage with people without thinking of your tinnitus while they're talking (takes a while).

Plus your noise threshold improves. The sounds around you provide coverage, even a boiler and we are surrounded by sounds. It's a combination of things.

For me it gets louder in the afternoon and I suck sweets when that happens at work to keep me going, then once I am home I am ok. I have a routine work (it's a life saver), kids, house chores and everything becomes more predictable and therefore manageable after some time.

I know when I'm stressed or haven't slept the sound is louder. When I'm relaxed it is at baseline but not often lower than baseline. Then there are spikes (am having one now). Some people hardly perceive it after a while.

It's a journey that millions of people would have made... that's what I remind myself of.

I can't concentrate with this. The problem is I try to distract myself but it's hopeless. I think I will ultimately kill myself but I am scared about doing that now but eventually, I won't be able to tolerate it. I can't work and my money situation will worsen.

This t doesn't fluctuate and if it doesn't lower on its own - directly - I am done. It is leading to other health problems and everything can worsen from there including the tinnitus itself, I am afraid. This is no way to live.

I wish someone warned me to take of my hearing and my ears in the mid 90s. I think I wouldn't have had this fate. It's just a matter of time until I break down and try to end myself.

 

[JaneTC]

I can't concentrate with this. The problem is I try to distract myself but it's hopeless. I think I will ultimately kill myself but I am scared about doing that now but eventually, I won't be able to tolerate it. I can't work and my money situation will worsen.

This t doesn't fluctuate and if it doesn't lower on its own - directly - I am done. It is leading to other health problems and everything can worsen from there including the tinnitus itself, I am afraid. This is no way to live.

I wish someone warned me to take of my hearing and my ears in the mid 90s. I think I wouldn't have had this fate. It's just a matter of time until I break down and try to end myself.

Things will get better, I promise. I'm very new to this tinnitus thing, but I've already learned that anxiety makes it worse.

Take a walk somewhere. Take deep breaths. Watch some relaxation videos on YouTube. Watch a goddam horror movie if you want. But just do something to distract yourself, and don't let this consume or defeat you.

Whilst you're feeling low, please find a way to keep yourself safe. You have things to live for, I guarantee you that, and you have things to look forward to. Think about those things. Write those things down. Make a list of people, places and things that matter to you. When you're feeling at your worst, revisit that list and remember what you have to live for.

And please talk to a friend about how you're feeling. If you can't talk to a friend then call a helpline. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

 

[Don Tinny]

I understand what you feel. Some days, for example today, I was having a "moderate" day and suddenly I fall asleep. I live a very tired life and I struggle to avoid naps. A short 10-minute nap can take my tinnitus from 5 to 9. And I wake up and think "No, what an idiot, I fell asleep!" My family does not understand why I should avoid them, or maybe they do not believe me. For them, sleeping is a good and healthy thing.
It has been more than a year and a half since my worsening and I have spent periods of 4 or 5 days where I thought the symptom would improve.

Of course I have suicidal ideation on many days, but I always think about my 4-year-old daughter. I can not ruin her life like that and I must resist.

I try to think about the advances of science. Of course everything is slow and takes years.

I get anxious reading the "treatments" section and I only hope to find good news.

I hope to find positive reviews of the Lenire device in the coming months. That will give me strength.

 

[Strife_84]

Tinnitus is intrinsically linked to our thoughts and emotions and cannot be separated from them. The more stressed and anxious a person becomes dew to the intrusiveness of the tinnitus, the louder it will appear to be.

False. I have cyclothymia and during my depressive states my tinnitus is just as loud as when I am in my happy state, nor normal.

Sure, I find the tinnitus more annoying when depressed, but it doesn't affect the volume. Maybe on some people, but my mood or stress levels have never changed my tinnitus volume.

 

[Michael Leigh]

False. I have cyclothymia and during my depressive states my tinnitus is just as loud as when I am in my happy state, nor normal.

Sure, I find the tinnitus more annoying when depressed, but it doesn't affect the volume. Maybe on some people, but my mood or stress levels have never changed my tinnitus volume.

Tinnitus is a very complex condition that comes in many forms and intensities and no two people experience it the same. Read any book on tinnitus and consult with any Hearing Therapist or Audiologist that specialises in tinnitus treatment and management. They will say categorically, that tinnitus for the most part is adversely affected by stress and anxiety and also affected by our emotions, for better or worse.

I stand by my comments in my previous post, which are based on many years experience with tinnitus and also corresponding and counselling people with this.
Michael

 

[PeteJ]

I lifted my dog up because morons don't leash their dogs. She barked at the off leash dog

I can't take any more. I am giving my dog to my brother. Then nothing should stop me from killing myself.

 

[Simon101]

I lifted my dog up because morons don't leash their dogs. She barked at the off leash dog

I can't take any more. I am giving my dog to my brother. Then nothing should stop me from killing myself.

Pete if your Brother lives in your town can't you talk to him? I know he can't cure T but you need someone in your life other than the great people on this board. Reach out to him, tell him what you're going through.

Death is guaranteed to us all at some point and you are still new to this. Took me a year of hell before I saw improvements, but it was worth it. Stay strong

Simon

 

[Daniel Lion]

I lifted my dog up because morons don't leash their dogs. She barked at the off leash dog

I can't take any more. I am giving my dog to my brother. Then nothing should stop me from killing myself.

Young brother, I am older... you're younger... thus younger brother.

Calm down.

Go to a shrink or ER room and get some meds to calm down.

I also have suicide, assisted suicide as a back up... but that's years away.

There are multiple therapies being trialed and discovered as I write this. You need to hang on even though it seems completely hopeless. Look at my thread when I said "Daniel's life is over". I still suffer, but am in a much better place now and even have good days where I'm happy. I know this can be the same for you.

Get a family member or a best friend... go to a doctor and get some meds to calm down. When you're feeling a little calmer and have had a little sleep, then you can start to rebuild. I would venture to say 90 percent of us wanted to die when we got struck down by tinnitus, and those same people feel better now, not all but the vast majority have eased up on the suicidal ideation. I know it sucks, I broke down and cried this very morning.

Your life is important to everybody here.
Go get some help... now. Please. You are loved. You are valued. Hold on.

 

[Strife_84]

@PeteJ

Giving away your dog is not actually a bad idea. I understand pet can be valuable friend and I guess you can still see your dog once a while? But you have to put yourself #1 priority now.
And yes, dog barking is is really bad for ears...

Nobody wants you dead here. Think about your family, friends. I believe you really need to go to ER and get some medication to calm yourself down if you cannot do it yourself.

Just go to talk with somebody. That usually helps. I am myself against medication, to me, therapy etc. Is a better option.

Money would solve lots of issues. You could move to silent area and never worry about getting a job...

Take care of yourself Pete.

 

[PeteJ]

Young brother, I am older... you're younger... thus younger brother.

Calm down.

Go to a shrink or ER room and get some meds to calm down.

I also have suicide, assisted suicide as a back up... but that's years away.

There are multiple therapies being trialed and discovered as I write this. You need to hang on even though it seems completely hopeless. Look at my thread when I said "Daniel's life is over". I still suffer, but am in a much better place now and even have good days where I'm happy. I know this can be the same for you.

Get a family member or a best friend... go to a doctor and get some meds to calm down. When you're feeling a little calmer and have had a little sleep, then you can start to rebuild. I would venture to say 90 percent of us wanted to die when we got struck down by tinnitus, and those same people feel better now, not all but the vast majority have eased up on the suicidal ideation. I know it sucks, I broke down and cried this very morning.

Your life is important to everybody here.
Go get some help... now. Please. You are loved. You are valued. Hold on.

Many people here say not to get meds. Can't it make the tinnitus worse?!?

This condition is the absolute worst! No one can see or hear anything so they can't relate or tell that anything is wrong! I won't be able to get disability. I only read of one person here on it and the person lives in the USA.

I was told by someone to try and get it based on depression/anxiety . But, I would need meds and probably medical documentation from a physician and psychiatrist. This would probably take a year through the process and the chances of getting denied and requiring an appeal is high.

Why do people tell me to go to the ER? It's loud in there!

I don't want to live like this!!!

 

[PeteJ]

I understand what you feel. Some days, for example today, I was having a "moderate" day and suddenly I fall asleep. I live a very tired life and I struggle to avoid naps. A short 10-minute nap can take my tinnitus from 5 to 9. And I wake up and think "No, what an idiot, I fell asleep!" My family does not understand why I should avoid them, or maybe they do not believe me. For them, sleeping is a good and healthy thing.
It has been more than a year and a half since my worsening and I have spent periods of 4 or 5 days where I thought the symptom would improve.

Of course I have suicidal ideation on many days, but I always think about my 4-year-old daughter. I can not ruin her life like that and I must resist.

I try to think about the advances of science. Of course everything is slow and takes years.

I get anxious reading the "treatments" section and I only hope to find good news.

I hope to find positive reviews of the Lenire device in the coming months. That will give me strength.

I often want to take a nap. My tinnitus is so loud and high pitched though. I have trouble sleeping at night let alone trying at some time during the day.

I often wake up around 5 or 6-ish. I feed my dog and try to go back to sleep. Is that counted as a nap?

I had one 'low volume' period yesterday but it only lasted less than 15 minutes. People tell me that was good but it's practically always loud and piercing so I have trouble concentrating. I don't have anyone. No kids. Just a dog. It is getting to the point where it's just too debilitating.

 

[Michael Leigh]

Many people here say not to get meds. Can't it make the tinnitus worse?!?

This condition is the absolute worst! No one can see or hear anything so they can't relate or tell that anything is wrong! I won't be able to get disability. I only read of one person here on it and the person lives in the USA.

I was told by someone to try and get it based on depression/anxiety . But, I would need meds and probably medical documentation from a physician and psychiatrist. This would probably take a year through the process and the chances of getting denied and requiring an appeal is high.

Why do people tell me to go to the ER? It's loud in there!

I don't want to live like this!!!

I don't know how treatment for tinnitus is dealt with in your part of the world. Have a talk with your GP/Family doctor and see if you're able to get referred to someone that specialises in Tinnitus and hyperacusis treatment and management. In the UK, this would be a Hearing Therapist or Audiologist. ENT doctors are not tinnitus specialists nor are they counsellors, to help treat tinnitus patients. This is the job of a Hearing Therapist or Audiologist.

Best of luck
Michael

 

[Don Tinny]

I had one 'low volume' period yesterday but it only lasted less than 15 minutes. People tell me that was good but it's practically always loud and piercing so I have trouble concentrating. I don't have anyone. No kids. Just a dog. It is getting to the point where it's just too debilitating.

Being alone should be even more difficult. But maybe science gives us some relief in the near future. Sometimes I think what I would like to do the day my tinnitus becomes mild again. I always think of places to travel (preferably not by plane, of course) and things like that.

I am 34 years old and I know that at some point something will emerge that will help me recover my normal life.

 

[Jack Straw]

I know people may see me as an asshole for making this post but I'm going to do it anyway because it needs to be said.

@PeteJ I have been following your postings since you came on Tinnitus Talk. I have frequently posted in your threads and even in your chats.

You have mentioned that your tinnitus can be heard over low volume radio. Low volume radio is around 40-45 dB, and that is being generous. By saying this, I assume if you turned the volume up to let's say 55- 60 dB you wouldn't hear it anymore? This means your tinnitus is moderate. So why would your moderate tinnitus be driving you to suicide? It is because this is a mental health issue and not a tinnitus issue.

You are refusing to accept that tinnitus is apart of your life now and that you need to accept that it will be there. You are focusing on it way too much for how low volume it is.

Many people with tinnitus worse than yours have been able to carry on and cope with their tinnitus and live life. They can not escape their tinnitus at all. You can still escape your tinnitus by listening to music above low volume. This is a gift to have because me, like and many others, can only escape it in loud (potentially damaging) environments.

You need to go seek a mental health professional. Until you do so, you're not trying to get better and that is a cold hard fact. You need to go and try to do what they tell you to do as well as potentially get on medication to help your anxiety and depression. Did you have anxiety / depression before tinnitus? If so, that means your tinnitus is exasperating it to the point of suicide. Tinnitus may not be the problem, but your mental health doing a vicious circle with your tinnitus most likely is. Countless people have be telling you this on here and you continue to refuse to listen. Some people have even blocked you because they don't want to see your posts because they feel you don't want to get better because you refuse to take everyone's advice.

The point of CBT is NOT to lower the sound in your head but to help you cope. Coping is taking the emotional impact out of tinnitus. You say this is bullshit and won't help, and this ties back to you not accepting that tinnitus is a part of your life now. Your old life without it is now gone and you have to move forward with your new situation. Accept this! Be grateful that you knew silence at all. People like me, @coffee_girl, @kelpiemsp are a few that have had it our entire lives and have never known what silence is like.

I literally hate comparing people's situations to other people's situations because it looks like a pissing contest and I HATE that. I am making an exception right now because this is something you need to hear. People have worse tinnitus than you, who would give away their life savings to have the type of tinnitus you have. They also get along with their life and don't constantly doom and gloom. @Ed209, @glynis, @fishbone, @Markku are a few popular names on here that I can name. I bet they all wish they all wish they could have tinnitus where they can only hear it over low volume radio.

This goes beyond tinnitus and is a mental health issue. I don't understand your hatred for CBT and medication, but that is what you need.

I have literally seen other people on here act very similar to you where they refuse to get mental help. For months they constantly posted and complained and talked about suicide always refusing to get help from a mental health professional. I would message them to see a mental health professional and I heard every excuse under the sun why they couldn't go. Then, once they caved in or were forced to go, their posts became infrequent and eventually they stopped coming back all together because they got better and moved on.

This will literally be the last time I ever make a post on one of your threads because I feel like I am smashing my head against the wall by constantly trying to help you, and then you throwing it back in my face.

Good luck PeteJ , I wish you the best and know you can get better if you take the proper steps.

 

[PeteJ]

My tinnitus is not moderate. It's severe
I can hear it outside. I can't sleep.

For all I know, it doesn't reduce anymore because I need louder noise at night. I follow the recommendations of having it lower than the t noise. But, it seems loud. So I am screwed unless it somehow lowers on its own.

I am told it takes time. :-/

So I won't improve? Others are told they might improve. I was told I might. But, the truth is I won't? So, I should just fucking kill myself asap since there is nothing to wait for.

 

[david c]

@PeteJ I have been following your postings since you came on Tinnitus Talk. I have frequently posted in your threads and even in your chats.

You have mentioned that your tinnitus can be heard over low volume radio. Low volume radio is around 40-45 dB, and that is being generous. By saying this, I assume if you turned the volume up to let's say 55- 60 dB you wouldn't hear it anymore? This means your tinnitus is moderate.

I don't think telling someone who is clearly in as much pain as Pete is that their tinnitus is "moderate" is terribly helpful really. Nor is it that accurate. As tinnitus is a subjective health condition only we ourselves can measure the level of our tinnitus. So clearly for Pete his tinnitus is severe.

In terms of coping there are no easy answers. Some medication may be appropriate - some anti-anxiety/anti-depressants have been shown to be of some help for many tinnitus sufferers. But ultimately that's for Pete's doctor to decide. It may also be a good idea as @Michael Leigh has suggested to get help from audiology/hearing therapists. Certainly in the UK ENT would normally refer anybody reporting severe tinnitus to audiology. The system in Canada may be different but it may be worth going back to ENT to ask to be referred.

 

[PeteJ]

Being alone should be even more difficult. But maybe science gives us some relief in the near future. Sometimes I think what I would like to do the day my tinnitus becomes mild again. I always think of places to travel (preferably not by plane, of course) and things like that.

I am 34 years old and I know that at some point something will emerge that will help me recover my normal life.

Is yours moderate or severe?

I often get angry and make a fist. I hit something in frustration but not hard or with any force.

I don't think I will ever be normal. It's too loud for me. In Canada, there is no therapy for this. Therapists don't have tinnitus. The ENT doesn't refer to some glorified audiology department or center for tinnitus or hyperacusis.

Anything remotely like this is located in the larger metropolitan cities. I don't even leave my city now.

Yet, everytime I make this clear, some people ignore me and make the same recommendations again. When I get frustrated by it, they interpret that as mental issues. I can't win.

 

[PeteJ]

I don't think telling someone who is clearly in as much pain as Pete is that their tinnitus is "moderate" is terribly helpful really. Nor is it that accurate. As tinnitus is a subjective health condition only we ourselves can measure the level of our tinnitus. So clearly for Pete his tinnitus is severe.

In terms of coping there are no easy answers. Some medication may be appropriate - some anti-anxiety/anti-depressants have been shown to be of some help for many tinnitus sufferers. But ultimately that's for Pete's doctor to decide. It may also be a good idea as @Michael Leigh has suggested to get help from audiology/hearing therapists. Certainly in the UK ENT would normally refer anybody reporting severe tinnitus to audiology. The system in Canada may be different but it may be worth going back to ENT to ask to be referred.

In Canada, they wave goodbye as you walk out the door.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

I have tinnitus as loud as a fire alarm along with extreme physical pain from cut oral nerves that are destroying my entire mouth. This has increased or caused other degenerative physical problems. I have received compassion on this site for my dimensions of pathology.

If I want a drug from my GP, I will deeply research it first for all side effects to all parts of human composition anatomy. I do the same for vitamin use. I need magnesium, but found out that I can't dissolve calcium with my thyroid problem and this has increased my GERD and IBD. Zinc may be helpful for some, but it has a negative effect for me because I have saliva gland disease.

Sometimes it's hard to know what's right for our friends here. Physical tinnitus cause can often be found with case study research. My physical tinnitus was caused by a chain reaction of several things. It started from mechanical compression during a dental procedure with muscular insertions starting at the at the C1 C2 level then extending to C4. This caused reduced flow in the ipsilateral vertebral artery when by head was hyperextended and rotated.

From this sequential extension flexion of neck accompanied by simultaneous jaw movement resulted in shear stress and compressive force to my retrodiskal tissues within my jaw. This caused an anteromedial displacement of my articular disk causing direct trauma to my TMJ during cervical hyperextension. I speculate that the pull of the lateral pterygoid muscle in combination with the force of trauma (myospasm) caused a stretching of the posterior attachment of the disk. This is significant as my mouth was open. Parafunctional activity resulted in dyscoordination and internal arrangement of the jaw. This is by far the number one cause of TMJ and is often caused by dentists not having their patients position right and not letting them rest their mouth on occasion. This problem may not show for years and even before it does, any stress can cause clenching of teeth.

The moral of this posting is about medical and psych medical practitioners. Try to find a good one it you decide that you need treatment, but many times what does not know is who has compassion and really cares until a visit.

 

[PeteJ]

I have tinnitus as loud as a fire alarm along with extreme physical pain from cut oral nerves that are destroying my entire mouth. This has increased or caused other degenerative physical problems. I have received compassion on this site for my dimensions of pathology.

If I want a drug from my GP, I will deeply research it first for all side effects to all parts of human composition anatomy. I do the same for vitamin use. I need magnesium, but found out that I can't dissolve calcium with my thyroid problem and this has increased my GERD and IBD. Zinc may be helpful for some, but it has a negative effect for me because I have saliva gland disease.

Sometimes it's hard to know what right for our friends here. Physical tinnitus cause can often be found with case study research. My physical tinnitus was caused by a chain reaction of several things. It started from mechanical compression during a dental procedure with muscular insertions starting at the at the C1 C2 level then extending to C4. This caused reduced flow in the ipsilateral vertebral artery when by head was hyperextended and rotated.

From this sequential extension flexion of neck accompanied by simultaneous jaw movement resulted in shear stress and compressive force to my retrodiskal tissues within my jaw. This caused an anteromedial displacement of my articular disk causing direct trauma to my TMJ during cervical hyperextension. I speculate that the pull of the lateral pterygoid muscle in combination with the force of trauma (myospasm) caused a stretching of the posterior attachment of the disk. This is significant as my mouth was open. Parafunctional activity resulted in dyscoordination and internal arrangement of the jaw. This is by far the number one cause of TMJ and is often caused by dentists not having their patients position right and not letting them rest their mouth on occasion. This problem may not show for years and even before it does, any stress can cause clenching of teeth.

The moral of this posting is about medical and psych medical practitioners. Try to find a good one it you decide that you need treatment, but many times what does not know who has compassion and really cares until a visit.

Please believe me but your post made me sad. You sound like you are in bad shape.

I need dental work soon and I am scared about it. Any advice?

I think I am justified about feeling terrified that I will get worse or get worse eventually.

I don't think medical professionals care. They want their money and at the end of the day, they don't want to think about their patients/clients.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

You sound like you are in bad shape

Yes my friend Pete, I'm in very bad shape.

My first onset on Tinnitus was from ear syringing.
I knew little about the ear then.

I know a great deal about physical tinnitus and most of the flow charting condition connections. I also know about the medical climate as I worked as a care giver and crisis counselor (not a doctor) for over 30 years.

There are good doctors and dentists and some not so good - tinnitus issues or not.

Find a dentist and let them know that you have tinnitus before appointment. Find out if the dentist will be willing to spend extra time with you.

Head should always remain on the headrest with tinnitus.
Mouth and jaw needs to be closed and rested on occasion.
Drilling 5 to 10 seconds on then the some amount of time with no drilling.
If this done, you should be fine.

 

[Don Tinny]

Is yours moderate or severe?

I often get angry and make a fist. I hit something in frustration but not hard or with any force.

I don't think I will ever be normal. It's too loud for me. In Canada, there is no therapy for this. Therapists don't have tinnitus. The ENT doesn't refer to some glorified audiology department or center for tinnitus or hyperacusis.

Anything remotely like this is located in the larger metropolitan cities. I don't even leave my city now.

Yet, everytime I make this clear, some people ignore me and make the same recommendations again. When I get frustrated by it, they interpret that as mental issues. I can't win.

Mine is severe sadly. It fluctuates but I am having fewer good days. In the past I had it mild, moderate, then mild again ....

I live in Argentina so I will have to wait an extra time when the relief arrives.

Personally, I recommend you read the "treatments" and "research news" section. It´s more hopeful.

 

[Jack Straw]

I don't think telling someone who is clearly in as much pain as Pete is that their tinnitus is "moderate" is terribly helpful really. Nor is it that accurate. As tinnitus is a subjective health condition only we ourselves can measure the level of our tinnitus. So clearly for Pete his tinnitus is severe.

In terms of coping there are no easy answers. Some medication may be appropriate - some anti-anxiety/anti-depressants have been shown to be of some help for many tinnitus sufferers. But ultimately that's for Pete's doctor to decide. It may also be a good idea as @Michael Leigh has suggested to get help from audiology/hearing therapists. Certainly in the UK ENT would normally refer anybody reporting severe tinnitus to audiology. The system in Canada may be different but it may be worth going back to ENT to ask to be referred.

Is it severe because of noise level or mental health? One is treatable to help reduce the other.