I'm Not Committing Suicide. I'm Being Murdered by Merciless Tinnitus.

[Bam]

@RicoS Mate i just reread your post and my heart goes out to everyone like yourself who has a son or daughter. Dont get me wrong but I have never been so glad i don't have children. I love them, they're a great gift, but concealing your pain from them must be unbearable. I don't even cry in front of my dog because i can't stand to see his face when i'm upset. I hide in another room and sob my pitiful heart out. I once read a heartbreaking post on here from a father disguisng his pain from his child and i completely lost it. Why does this affliction disproportionately affect kind, sensitive souls? Again proof of it's hellish status.

 

[Chad Lawton]

@Bill Bauer It's just occurred to me that i can improve my analogy for you....

Severe tinnitus is like being raped and then forced to live with your rapist for the rest of your life, while all your friends, neighbours etc ask you, 'how you getting on with your little friend?....Are they a bit less annoying now?...Isn't it about time you just got used to them pounding your %$£% every single day and night?

Lol, I like this analogy. I'm gonna have to use this. I feel its very fitting.

 

[Bam]

@Bill Bauer Check out my introduction. Car crash, nerve damage, chronic pain, splash of pain/life related depression following it, loss of work, self imposed isolation, and BOOM! The chief audiologist in my area said it's the most extreme tinnitus story he's ever encountered. My life literally fell apart because some woman decided to send a text whilst driving. It's not an easy read but i know you're quite hardcore Bill so i doubt it will dent your stride. Apparently i have no hearing loss but my nerve damage is bad. My feet, hands tingle, often i can't lift my arms off the bed because they're just completely dead.

 

[Lane]

T for me right now feels as insurmountable as eternally crawling around the world on your hands and knees whilst someone kicks you hard in the bollocks every 100 yards.

I must say @Bam, you do seem to have a flair for words! ​

 

[Bam]

@Alex Senkowski Spoken like a true tinnitus sufferer. Unfortunately only we see the frustration of having a great life and then T as our constant companion. Others only see the 'great' life. I defo think that having a slightly shit life pre T or being very young/old is easier. If you're young you have less world weariness and more hope + less people relying on you, maybe parents who can support you. If you're old you can rationalise it better or worst case dignitas yourself and blame arthritis of some other ailment as was the case of a 75 year old British nurse recently. The T destroyed the will to live but she had a few other niggles that gave her the green light.

Late thirties, like me, is a rubbish time to get this because you're already entering the depression/ suicide danger zone. 34 - 43 year old men kill themselves a lot which just shows what an idiot one of the responders on this thread is who said, 'you'll never kill yourself. ' I'm guessing they're in their teens/early twenties and their mild T has slightly impacted their ability to go to the local disco and causing them to spit their dummy. I'm a grown adult man whose been through hell already in life. I wouldn't make this stuff up for giggles. It's decimated my life.

 

[Bam]

Thanks @Lane I love writing...and silence....and never much liked having the radio, TV, pissin waterfall heavy rain cicadas chirping all day.....oh the irony of it all huh?!

 

[RicoS]

@RicoS Mate i just reread your post and my heart goes out to everyone like yourself who has a son or daughter. Dont get me wrong but I have never been so glad i don't have children. I love them, they're a great gift, but concealing your pain from them must be unbearable. I don't even cry in front of my dog because i can't stand to see his face when i'm upset. I hide in another room and sob my pitiful heart out. I once read a heartbreaking post on here from a father disguisng his pain from his child and i completely lost it. Why does this affliction disproportionately affect kind, sensitive souls? Again proof of it's hellish status.

@Bam .... My son and wife are the ones that make me move forward. Being around my son keep my mind out of bad places. But a depression is a depression and anxiety is anxiety. Sometimes it is bad sometimes worse But I always want to know what tomorrow brings. My son loves me so much I could not bare to put it on his little soul that his dad stepped out.
So for me there is not much a choice. If I feel suicidal I will ask for help or post here and hope somebody has some words to say to me to change my mind.
We are getting older and with that more health trouble so I try to eat as healthy as possible. I am also a professional MMA trainer but I have to be more careful with sparring. To much injuries on top of everything is more stress.

What I do notice is that my T backs down when there is almost no stress. And believe me a lot of people with T have also other health or mental problems like some types of OCD or Floater, Visual Snow etc etc. Your brain when you got T just got (like you so well said) raped very hard....and your body is in total shock. It can take months, years, decennia to recover, but that does not mean that you cannot recover. I met people with really horror T and they are doing better now and yes they perceive it lower in volume.

So there is hope m8..children or no children.... But I must admit...children give extra stress ;-) but they also give extra love

 

[Bam]

@Lane In my intro you'll see that i did HBOT. The whole 20 sessions at an MS clinic. I too found it helped me to get through the crazy first two months phase and got me out of the house, gave me a glimmer of hope i guess. To be honest the best benefit was that just being around other suffering, very ill people helped with the adjustment to my new 'chronically ill' lifestyle. Although rather gloomily i will confess that they did feel very sorry for me, even those that couldnt walk and many confessed that they would 'hate' to have T as an MS side affect they all knew about it, but weirdly none over the whole two weeks that i met had it.

It did help for the pain too but didn't touch the T unfortunately. It cost about a grand in total so not my worst investment but maybe would have been more helpful to those with acoustic trauma.

 

[Bam]

@RicoS Agreed. I could never put a child through what happened to me when i lost my Dad. Again why i feel relieved i don't have that burden. You're a bloody hero my friend. Your boy is very lucky to have such a strong and noble father.

Sadly i'm still at a stage where suicidal thoughts and knowing it's an option open to me gives me a strange shred of comfort amidst the carnage....... God this is all so awful and desperate. I could never have imagined i would one day sitting alone in this leaky sinking boat of a life.

 

[grate_biff]

a void of hopelessness in this nightmare version of Groundhog Day

Lol. This is what I tell people, when trying to describe my life the last 3 years.

Disregarding the sad circumstances, you are a very welcome voice to this forum @Bam.
You are just so spot on and describe exactly how I feel as well.

Btw. I´m option B) Too scared to kill myself. At least for now.

Personally, I have found most hope in following the Frequency TX tread and
hair cell regeneration as my T and H is definitely bc of damaged/dead HC.

You state, you do not have any hearing loss!

Can I ask: Have you checked your upper level hearing. I.e. 8-20 kHz?
Many audiologists only check the lower range bc that is what is important for our every day life. But regarding T, loss in the upper range is often the culprit and can tell a very different story than the lower range.

I´m sorry if you have mentioned some of this in earlier posts!

 

[RicoS]

@RicoS Agreed. I could never put a child through what happened to me when i lost my Dad. Again why i feel relieved i don't have that burden. You're a bloody hero my friend. Your boy is very lucky to have such a strong and noble father.

Sadly i'm still at a stage where suicidal thoughts and knowing it's an option open to me gives me a strange shred of comfort amidst the carnage....... God this is all so awful and desperate. I could never have imagined i would one day sitting alone in this leaky sinking boat of a life.

Feeling suicidal or have suicidal thought do not mean you have to do it... it is an option if you really cannot stand it anymore. But like I said you need to give it time. T is bad, but SOCD is just as bad ... Both give me a hell of anxiety.
When my anxiety is so extreme high I feel I go crazy or something and I just do not want to be on this earth at that moment, but you cannot escape..it is your own "saboteur" in your head giving you false signals.

The more you fight T the louder it gets.... I could accept my T only for halve a year now I guess. Sure I hate it very much but I am not looking for it anymore... Can hear it most of the time... but my mind goes on to S-OCD or something positive ;-) You do not have a choice in that. At one point the mind just let go.

I made a good friend here on TT where I talked almost daily with and that helped me better than a therapist. Because he can relate to what I have and going through.
Venting is important...you need to let this negative feelings out or talk about it so you can deal with it better.

I do not think about the future anymore. Everyday is a blessing when my T and OCD are low. IF not then it is a hell of a day..but I know a good one will come again.

Believe me a bad mind gives more bad symptoms. I am now hero or what so ever just a random guy with T and an anxiety disorder trying to make the best of it.

I also lost almost all of my friends....only the ones with T remained.It sucks, but I understand. Sometimes I would not want to be around me either ;-) That my wife did not left me yet is a miracle hahaha

 

[Greg Sacramento]

@Bam So sorry for your situation as I also have a cervical injury. Treatment depends upon the amount of hearing loss, amount and type of injury and age degenerative cervical disease before injury. Radiological testing is needed. I don't know where you stand with any of the above but testing of cervical structure that includes muscle strength and nerve studies are always needed.

For many of us, knowing a little about biology isn't enough to understand physical tinnitus. Besides radiological testing I needed to do a massive amount of research. One thing that is extremely important for all with physical tinnitus is proper posture. The link below with other links attached covers the basics of tinnitus, a good starting point. The entire article is informative, but I recommend to start reading beginning with the section - The Cervical Complex and to view the videos on posture. You also may want to read an article titled - Charter 4 Trauma of the Cervical Spine.

https://trainingandrehabilitation.com/association-tinnitus-neck-tmj/

 

[Wolfears]

@Lane In my intro you'll see that i did HBOT. The whole 20 sessions at an MS clinic. I too found it helped me to get through the crazy first two months phase and got me out of the house, gave me a glimmer of hope i guess. To be honest the best benefit was that just being around other suffering, very ill people helped with the adjustment to my new 'chronically ill' lifestyle. Although rather gloomily i will confess that they did feel very sorry for me, even those that couldnt walk and many confessed that they would 'hate' to have T as an MS side affect they all knew about it, but weirdly none over the whole two weeks that i met had it.

It did help for the pain too but didn't touch the T unfortunately. It cost about a grand in total so not my worst investment but maybe would have been more helpful to those with acoustic trauma.

Think of it this way..you can off yourself at any time you chose and nobody will be able to stop you...so don't rush into it.
You need to explore all of your options first...save that last one for the time where there is absolutelly no other way out.

There was some study in the 90's, where they surgically cut the audio nerve in about 20 tinnitus volunteers..
I think about 80% of them found silence.
The other ones I'm pretty sure are probably dead by now, since they lost any hope at masking at that point.
That should be one of your very last options before you take the final step..you might get lucky and just be deaf instead of dead.
Fight right to the end my friend.

 

[GregCA]

My T is the result of otosclerosis and hearing loss. It was catastrophically bad 5 years ago and every night with it was The Dark Night of the Soul but spread out over several months. I don't think my thoughts will ever again approach the level of darkness I was nurturing during that time. But somehow it has gone down significantly since then. Whether it be through medication or non-toxic distraction, do WHATEVER you can do to bring and keep your mood up.

Your testimony gives me hope. My T is stuck in high gear and I see no changes no matter what I do. It doesn't fluctuate during the day, doesn't change from one day to the next. No good days, just pretty consistently bad.

I hope it'll go down as it did for you, even if it takes 5 years.

 

[Starthrower]

Like having a sheet metal factory in my head 24/7

This is the noise in my brain also. A metal on metal screeching.

Over 10 grand of therapists and treatments, including Levo.

In my first year I did the same Bam. Constantly chasing the hope for relief and understanding and what made it worse then was each time - each therapist - made me feel even worse mentally. The worse being the House Clinic in Los Angeles where they carted anyone with tinnitus around like a herd of cattle. And the main doctor told them the "problem" was not tinnitus but depression. This was after a ten minute consultation that cost $200 dollars. I remember calling my husband who thought the appointment would last an hour. He had to pick me up off the floor and carry me to the car.

I wasn't F-ing depressed. I was stricken with anxiety so severe....

This is despite my being a high functioning, zero mental health problems, 'normal' person before all this.

Same here. Perfect life full of wonderful goals just about to be reached.

I watched my father die in a car crash before my very eyes when I was a teenager and the grief that created was not even close to the sadness I wake up with every single morning for the last 7 months as I watch my entire existence washed away in a void of hopelessness in this nightmare version of Groundhog Day.

Severe tinnitus grief is so similar to the loss of a loved one from a tragic event.

I loved my life. I had so much to live for. But tinnitus has systematically taken away my enjoyment of all the things I loved and more importantly robbed me of a basic human essential..... hope. It's basically slowly murdering me and a life of AD's and benzo's etc to zombify myself to the misery of living like a shell of a person is just not for me.

I lost all hope back then. And that was a long time ago now. You do not have to live a zombie type of life if you need certain medications. I would not be here if I had not found a doctor to work with me. For me treating the on going anxiety was the first step. And it saved my life. Had I listened to the horror stories I would never have tried the medication. I am not saying their stories are false but their stories are not everyone's story.

Back then I hated the idea of hope. There was no hope. So I was in that same place Bam.

This first year...it is so hard. I hate even thinking about it now. But if I walked away like I did a few years back a voice would not be heard. I sort of think of that voice as hope. And even if you hate the idea and have no faith in it - we are here to say differently. Trust me. I hated those people back then!!! How dare they say I need to try harder or that I would be okay. Blah blah blah.

 

[Bill Bauer]

I would not be here if I had not found a doctor to work with me. For me treating the on going anxiety was the first step. And it saved my life. Had I listened to the horror stories I would never have tried the medication.

Are you saying that you were able to habituate to loud tinnitus? How loud is your tinnitus now?

 

[Bill Bauer]

@Bam , I read that it takes 18-24 months before people begin to habituate. I am not sure how true this is for people with Loud tinnitus. In any case, you might consider waiting for the two-year anniversary of the day when your T doubled in volume and spread to the other ear. At that time, you could try to figure out whether your T had faded and whether your T is as unbearable as it is now - and act accordingly...

 

[Starthrower]

Are you saying that you were able to habituate to loud tinnitus? How loud is your tinnitus now?

Sigh... I hate the word habituate. I am just living my life now @Bill Bauer. The tinnitus is the same high screechy level. Some days it is not so great but it has been so long now I am used to dealing with it. My tinnitus is LOUD I hear it all the time. But my life is happy as it can be. I break down just like everyone now and then.

But I always find a way to get back up and wipe the dirt off my butt and take another step forward.

I do not live in fear. I just avoid places and situations that are not good for me. No big deal. But I still socialize with people and go out. It is just different now.

Remember I have had this since 2002.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

@Bam You probably don't have degenerative cervical disease unless you are old like me. I have invested about 3x the time of researching whiplash, neck injury, facial and TMJ/D than the time it took to post over a thousand posts, hundreds of PM messages and to read thousands of other postings here. Most of what I read off this site is worthless, but about 3% of the research articles do express rhythm, reason and safe valuable treatment.

I really think the links that I give in the post above will help you with posture exercises that are listed/videos at bottom of links and extended links. My situation is very complicated due to degenerative disease, muscle and vein disease and heart disease, and that is just for starters along with serious pain. My T is very loud from nerve and artery complications.

Proper posture exercise is one of the first things that's needed for anyone with physical tinnitus. Cold and heat application is useful. A neck brace used at the midpoint time of being up for fifteen to thirty minutes may help if your doctor approves. The advancement to isometric exercises may help depending on radiological testing results. One small very low pillow for sleep should make a difference, maybe a big difference.

It's hard to comment on someone's conditions unless it's spelled out 'as noted' by a radiologist. I tried many different techniques for my facial stiffness and TMJ and found that only touch and release exercises at the sides of my C1-C3 and shoulder muscles, the trapezius made a difference. Vitamin C helps me. Some also use 140mg manganese glycerophospate six times a day for advanced whiplash and neck injury. If you care to talk, I'm here often or you can PM me.

 

[PaulBe]

I've seen arguments on here that severe tinnitus isn't as bad as cancer

I find myself in the unique position of being able to compare the two in real time and......there isn't a comparison. Each brings its own set of issues, and neither one is better or worse than the other. Each has to be dealt with in its own time and space.

 

[JasonP]

As I edge ever closer to the end of the road I've come to the conclusion that I will not be committing suicide. This just is not the truth of of what's happening here. I loved my life. I had so much to live for. But tinnitus has systematically taken away my enjoyment of all the things I loved and more importantly robbed me of a basic human essential..... hope. It's basically slowly murdering me and a life of AD's and benzo's etc to zombify myself to the misery of living like a shell of a person is just not for me.

I'm sorry for the negativity but my life now is no longer worth living. My tinnitus is off the scale bad. Unmaskable high pitched hell. Like having a sheet metal factory in my head 24/7. And yes I've tried everything. Over 10 grand of therapists and treatments, including Levo. Now I'm down to good old fashioned drinking to numb the hell until I pluck up the courage to punch my ticket.

I've seen arguments on here that severe tinnitus isn't as bad as cancer, the loss of a loved one etc etc blah blah blah. Well sorry from my experience it's not even close to the horror of 24/7 ear splitting incurable tinnitus hell. Sorry, different level. I watched my father die in a car crash before my very eyes when I was a teenager and the grief that created was not even close to the sadness I wake up with every single morning for the last 7 months as I watch my entire existence washed away in a void of hopelessness in this nightmare version of Groundhog Day. Pure misery day after day on a monotonous loop. As I said to a therapist. It's like being raped and then being forced to live with the person that raped you every single day for the rest of your life as they taunt you day and night, spend all your money and go through your phone destroying every single one of your relationships.

I know there's a lot of well meaning folks on here but sadly it's become very apparent to me that despite the outpourings of genuine desperation and suffering on this site people who don't have tinnitus just think everyone one here is either a weirdo attention seeker, a troll or a hypochondriac with mental problems. This is despite my being a high functioning, zero mental health problems, 'normal' person before all this. This sadly is why all the 'awareness' we are creating is a total waste of time and those of us with genuinely torturous levels of this affliction live in a miserable island of painful isolation where death seems like the only viable way out.

For all you severe veterans I have come to the conclusion that you are either
A) hardcore as hell and deserve to be knighted, given a large haul of medals and a castle.
B) scared shitless of suicide
C) lying about how bad your tinnitus is... or ...
D) a weirdo attention seeker, troll, hypochondriac with mental problems

Zero offence intended and I wish you all peace and silence....however unattainable.

Have you looked into 12khz range hearing aids? I tried them for a month and they really helped. Unfortunately, later I found out I couldn't afford them so I had to make do with my regular ones. I would suggest you get an extended audiogram (up go 14khz) and if you have loss between 8 to 12khz you can get that corrected. If interested, I would suggest looking into the Signia Pure 7nx hearing aid. It has maskers built in, can hook to an iPhone wirelessly, and has built in notch therapy which supposedly can help with tonal tinnitus. It requires programming though to your specific frequency. Just having my hearing aids on can reduce the amount of ringing I hear and I also have unmaskable tinnitus.

 

[Bill Bauer]

I find myself in the unique position of being able to compare the two in real time

I hope that you were able to begin treatment early enough. What do your doctors say about your outlook, Paul?

 

[PaulBe]

They still say cure, but the trade-off is major surgery....next Friday.

 

[Bill Bauer]

They still say cure

Awesome!!!

major surgery....next Friday

I sincerely hope that everything goes well, Paul.

 

[GregCA]

They still say cure, but the trade-off is major surgery....next Friday.

That's good news! We're thinking of you, and wish you good luck!

 

[glynis]

@PaulBe ,
Good luck with your big operation next Friday.
Keep us all posted...
love glynis

 

[Agrajag364]

Have you looked into 12khz range hearing aids? I tried them for a month and they really helped. Unfortunately, later I found out I couldn't afford them so I had to make do with my regular ones. I would suggest you get an extended audiogram (up go 14khz) and if you have loss between 8 to 12khz you can get that corrected. If interested, I would suggest looking into the Signia Pure 7nx hearing aid. It has maskers built in, can hook to an iPhone wirelessly, and has built in notch therapy which supposedly can help with tonal tinnitus. It requires programming though to your specific frequency. Just having my hearing aids on can reduce the amount of ringing I hear and I also have unmaskable tinnitus.

Ooh Jason do you know if anyone makes hearing aids at 14Hz? I discovered that my T ear cannot hear 14K but my non T ear can. My hearing on a standard audiogram is very acute but I wonder if even a loss in one ear at 14k could cause T

 

[Alex Senkowski]

Your testimony gives me hope. My T is stuck in high gear and I see no changes no matter what I do. It doesn't fluctuate during the day, doesn't change from one day to the next. No good days, just pretty consistently bad.

I hope it'll go down as it did for you, even if it takes 5 years.

I feel for you. I have no advice except for what I gave Bam: do whatever you have to do to keep your mood up. As long as it isn't toxic to your health.

 

[GregCA]

I feel for you. I have no advice except for what I gave Bam: do whatever you have to do to keep your mood up. As long as it isn't toxic to your health.

Yup, I figured that's all we can do anyways until (a) there is a cure or (b) it gets better.
On the bright side, my hearing and T don't seem to be worsening... so cheers to that.

Didn't you have a picture wearing a hat before?

 

[Lane]

Hi @Bam,

I hope you're doing better today. -- I wrote a fairly lengthy post on another forum a couple years ago touching on suicide. Here's a link if you'd be interested in checking it out. -- Thoughts on Suicide — A Dream Experience