I'm Not Committing Suicide. I'm Being Murdered by Merciless Tinnitus.

[Bam]

I've stopped my postdoc, and am presently recovering from what was effectively a mental breakdown. I sleep ten hours a day and walk my dogs. That's about all I can handle. It's been the most life-altering thing that's ever happened to me and I can well understand how people are driven to suicide over this.

Ditto my friend. Reduced from living a high achieving life full of purpose and dreams of the furture to 8 months of dog walking and sleeping. It's literally all I can manage.

Like you at early onset it literally drove me insane. I vividly remember sitting in A&E with my brother, an emaciated, trembling, deeply paranoid mess. I had lost 2 stone in a few weeks, just like you, all my hair had fallen out. I had aged ten years in one month. I was begging doctors to kill me. Begging! All I could see in my brothers face was sheer disbelief that anything on earth could do this in such a short space of time. 'How?' He kept saying. ' I refuse to believe you can go from normal to this in 1 month' He was genuinely shocked and bewildered.

 

[Error404]

@Bam,

Like you, I had a trip to A & E shortly after onset. I was shaking and suicidal. I thought my cochlear implant might have been infected as I couldn't believe that "normal" T could manifest itself as a noise that overpowers the entire head with banging sounds, sound distortion, and physical sensations in both ears. I was having 2-3 hours sleep a night as various sounds kept waking me up. The Dr there was VERY dismissive of the mental health aspect saying I should see my GP. Helloooo? I thought that, if you were a suicide risk, you should seek emergency help. At that point, I didn't think I had the time to wait for a GP appointment. I was sent away with three sleeping pills and a referral to the ENT.

I consider myself EXTREMELY fortunate that the volume turned down in June with the worst sounds (electrical zapping over my entire head) going away. I now have an ever present low tone: it's bloody aggravating, but a hell of a lot better than before. But even though the T itself seems to be improving (god knows how - I'm deaf and it shouldn't) the mental health effects have had a lasting impact and I'm now living in terror it will all start up again.

I know it's wrong, but I get SO annoyed at people going on about a maskable ringing - I mean, be glad you can't hear it around external sounds because mine seemed to be amplified by them! And don't get me started on the British Tinnitus Association: with a little "mindfulness" you too can accept the roaring in your head!

Are you also on Healthunlocked? I swear there is someone with your posting style on there (but won't out the username).

 

[Bam]

@Bam,

Like you, I had a trip to A & E shortly after onset. I was shaking and suicidal.

And yet never have I seen anywhere in medical or BTA literature anything about severe PTSD and tinnitus. The way I was presenting when I turned up at A@E the psych nurse could not believe I wasn't a drug addict. He had no idea or training about what severe T can do.

Yep, I'm on Health unlocked. I guess I do have a recognisable style!

 

[Vicki14]

The incomprehensible shock of being hit by severe T when you've barely even heard of it's existence, is akin to being fast asleep, tucked up in a warm bed one minute and then without warning being hurled in to an ice cold raging river the next.

Absolutely true!!! Enjoying life one minute and then feeling so desperate and anxious doing the simplest day to day tasks. To say this condition is exhausting is an understatement!!!! It's totally demonic constantly torturing and taunting us. I think what makes it even more a bitter pill to swallow is that this was no self inflicted, for both of us so we are also dealing with that rage on top of this shit noise

 

[Error404]

@Bam

PTSD is right. I feel like my life is divided into 'before' and 'after' this insanity began. Life is presently lived at a very slow pace as I simply do not have the mental resources for anything else. It is an achievement to get out of bed knowing that you have to face the day with a schizophrenic orchestra in one's head. I am astounded that the brain can generate SO MUCH NOISE. I have done some research into Charles Bonnet Syndrome, in which people frequently hallucinate complex, vivid scenes in response to losing their eyesight, and the type of 24/7 we experience seems to be the audiological equivalent: it is a cruel trick - hey body, let's generate a racket to compensate for the missing frequencies/injury/whatever else!

I tend to drink a few glasses of wine at the end of the day - it's the only way to sleep and cope at present!!

 

[Bam]

I tend to drink a few glasses of wine at the end of the day - it's the only way to sleep and cope at present!!

Same. I never drank at home before this now I have to have a couple of beers at least. Not to go in to it but I'm already noticing other health problems slowly creeping up on me. To think of how physically fit I was before this is painful. As I told my doctor , who I actually find refreshingly realistic about the harshness of T, the self medicating drinking and occasional Valium she's happy to supply, numbs me enough to get me through the evening but I'm increasingly worried about how much more suffering i can take. The truly dispiriting aspect and one that family and friends can't grasp when they ask me, 'don't you think it might get quieter?' is that whether the volume goes down or up, the point is the long shadow of T will always hang over us now. It's like glimpsing something terrifying and being unable to 'unsee' it. So we spend the rest of our lives obsessing about our ears and noise and what we do/don't do etc just o appease this horrid bully......It's all so surreal and painful that a physical condition can wreak such havoc mentally.

 

[Bam]

@Error404 i love your dogs by the way. I have a soft spot for Staffie's because I think so many people don't see how soft and lovely they are and my best mate has a Border like yours.

 

[Error404]

@Bam,

Yup, have Valium as needed too! Though my GP is reluctant to prescribe it unless I'm having a major mental health episode. I'm on Sertraline for now which seems to be doing something in that my anxiety levels are coming down: I don't fear the T anymore, it's more how are we supposed to live another 30-40 years like this? I'm sure we'd feel vastly different if this struck us at, say, 80 than in our 30's!

Yup, even though the volume appears to have reduced in my case, the fear remains. It's awful going to sleep never knowing what you will wake up to, only that the T will, in some form, be there.

My audiologist used the analogy of the air conditioner in her office, saying that she doesn't notice it even though it makes a whirring noise. Yes, but she can leave her office or switch it off! We have no such option.

Thanks for your kind words about my dogs. It's the Border that can be a nightmare when strangers sometimes think it's the other way round!

 

[dpdx]

I just stepped outside so many dark eye floaters.

 

[GregCA]

My audiologist used the analogy of the air conditioner in her office, saying that she doesn't notice it even though it makes a whirring noise.

Perhaps she doesn't know that severe T is nothing like the air conditioner in her office.
You have an opportunity to educate her, because if professionals think that severe T is like the AC in the office, we're not going to be taken seriously anytime soon.

 

[Starthrower]

I'm sorry to hear how severe your t is Starthrower, and how long you've had to endure it. -- I don't know if you're open to alternative therapies, but I've heard/read that St. John's Wort tincture and/or oil, and DMSO are both supposed to be able to help heal damaged nerves. A lot of people would probably be surprised to know that DMSO has been known to reverse paralysis.

@Lane no reason to be sorry it has been SO long now it is sorta just a part of my existence? At times it will bring me to my knees. There was a song by Sugarland that I think I posted in another thread and for me it is all about struggling with what tinnitus does. And a person who struck me down on my road to recovery.

I am doing okay and oh yes many different natural things like you describe! There are good days now more so than bad ones. I just get out and force myself to do what I can do.

 

[Wolfears]

Perhaps she doesn't know that severe T is nothing like the air conditioner in her office.
You have an opportunity to educate her, because if professionals think that severe T is like the AC in the office, we're not going to be taken seriously anytime soon.

Exactly...this is why tinnitus is not taken seriously by the so called medical professionals.
Your brain knows a difference between a noise coming from outside that is not a threat (since you can turn it off or walk away at any time) and noise that comes from inside your head that you can't do nothing about.

It is people like her, that I wish would experience the brutal torture and the terror of loud, high pitched debilitating tinnitus for at least couple of weaks, knowing that she will likely be stuck with it for the rest of her life.
I'm willing to bet everything I have, that she would never ever make an idiotic statement like that again.
People like her really piss me off.

 

[Bam]

My audiologist used the analogy of the air conditioner in her office, saying that she doesn't notice it even though it makes a whirring noise.

That is akin to someone whose been in a flight simulator during a pretend plane crash, trying to loftily tell someone in an actual real life plane crash it's no big deal, relax.

 

[Bam]

It's awful going to sleep never knowing what you will wake up to, only that the T will, in some form, be there

I've said it before but to me the perfect analogy is like a nightmare version of Groundhog Day. I always think of the day in the film where a hopeless Bill Murray hits rock bottom, sees no way out and throws the toaster in the bath. .....I feel like I live that day every single day now.

 

[Bam]

I'm willing to bet everything I have, that she would never ever make an idiotic statement like that again.

I'm willing to bet she wouldn't be in a position to make any statements to anyone because like a lot of us she would have had a total meltdown and lost her job.

 

[Wolfears]

I'm willing to bet she wouldn't be in a position to make any statements to anyone because like a lot of us she would have had a total meltdown and lost her job.

That is a pretty solid prediction...assuming she was still alive by then of course.

 

[Vicki14]

it's more how are we supposed to live another 30-40 years like this? I'm sure we'd feel vastly different if this struck us at, say, 80 than in our 30's!

Absolutely!!! That's what I can't comprehend either! Scares me too much!!!

 

[Chad Lawton]

what makes it even more a bitter pill to swallow is that this was no self inflicted, for both of us so we are also dealing with that rage on top of this shit noise

With mine being self inflicted, trust me, the rage is still there. It is just directed at yourself.

 

[Chad Lawton]

I've said it before but to me the perfect analogy is like a nightmare version of Groundhog Day. I always think of the day in the film where a hopeless Bill Murray hits rock bottom, sees no way out and throws the toaster in the bath. .....I feel like I live that day every single day now.

You hit the nail on the head. It seems like a bad dream that you hope to wake up from.

 

[Vicki14]

With mine being self inflicted, trust me, the rage is still there. It is just directed at yourself.

A friend of mine said the same thing too.... it's shit either way!!

 

[Wolfears]

I really hope that the original poster of this thread Bam is ok...either way this is probably one of the greatest Tinnitus threads of all times, because it is so real and raw....there is no faking that one.
Maybe the mods can make it a sticky, right under the "positivity" thread?
This way there are both sides of the coin represented right off the bat, without the other side being marginalized and shunned.

 

[JohnAdams]

As I edge ever closer to the end of the road I've come to the conclusion that I will not be committing suicide. This just is not the truth of of what's happening here. I loved my life. I had so much to live for. But tinnitus has systematically taken away my enjoyment of all the things I loved and more importantly robbed me of a basic human essential..... hope. It's basically slowly murdering me and a life of AD's and benzo's etc to zombify myself to the misery of living like a shell of a person is just not for me.

I'm sorry for the negativity but my life now is no longer worth living. My tinnitus is off the scale bad. Unmaskable high pitched hell. Like having a sheet metal factory in my head 24/7. And yes I've tried everything. Over 10 grand of therapists and treatments, including Levo. Now I'm down to good old fashioned drinking to numb the hell until I pluck up the courage to punch my ticket.

I've seen arguments on here that severe tinnitus isn't as bad as cancer, the loss of a loved one etc etc blah blah blah. Well sorry from my experience it's not even close to the horror of 24/7 ear splitting incurable tinnitus hell. Sorry, different level. I watched my father die in a car crash before my very eyes when I was a teenager and the grief that created was not even close to the sadness I wake up with every single morning for the last 7 months as I watch my entire existence washed away in a void of hopelessness in this nightmare version of Groundhog Day. Pure misery day after day on a monotonous loop. As I said to a therapist. It's like being raped and then being forced to live with the person that raped you every single day for the rest of your life as they taunt you day and night, spend all your money and go through your phone destroying every single one of your relationships.

I know there's a lot of well meaning folks on here but sadly it's become very apparent to me that despite the outpourings of genuine desperation and suffering on this site people who don't have tinnitus just think everyone one here is either a weirdo attention seeker, a troll or a hypochondriac with mental problems. This is despite my being a high functioning, zero mental health problems, 'normal' person before all this. This sadly is why all the 'awareness' we are creating is a total waste of time and those of us with genuinely torturous levels of this affliction live in a miserable island of painful isolation where death seems like the only viable way out.

For all you severe veterans I have come to the conclusion that you are either
A) hardcore as hell and deserve to be knighted, given a large haul of medals and a castle.
B) scared shitless of suicide
C) lying about how bad your tinnitus is... or ...
D) a weirdo attention seeker, troll, hypochondriac with mental problems

Zero offence intended and I wish you all peace and silence....however unattainable.

Just have hope and soldier on. There very well may be a cure relatively soon. I am sincerely considering trying adipose stem cell treatments at a clinic in Texas soon. I will certainly keep you all posted.

 

[JohnAdams]

Mine is probably self inflicted too. Just forgive yourself and be patient.

 

[Dginobile]

There are other ways like hypnosis or meditation. Those were my second steps to get my life back.

hi I am considering hypnosis to treat my tinnitus and anxiety linked to it, I have habituated for the most part but still have bad days and anxiety ALWAYS can you tell me about your experience and how it helped? Thank you

 

[Wolfears]

hi I am considering hypnosis to treat my tinnitus and anxiety linked to it, I have habituated for the most part but still have bad days and anxiety ALWAYS can you tell me about your experience and how it helped? Thank you

Hypnosis can work but it depends on your personality...some people get very good results with it, some don't.
It also depends on the hypnotist...the really good ones are very hard to find.

 

[Jazzer]

@Bam

I get it Bam - I truly understand buddy.
xxx

 

[Allan1967]

I'm shit scared to do it.

Every night I ask God to take me in my sleep or fix it for me or at least make it better.

I was never cut out for this world. Always said wrong soul in the wrong body in the wrong time and now I'm destined to see out my days with this shit in my head.

Looking forward to the day it's over, as long as its quick painless and I'm not around to see it coming.

It'll be over with one day.

 

[Starthrower]

@Bam the title of your thread here is in my mind every single day. There is something about it that is so unforgettable. Like you.

 

[Bam]

Every night I ask God to take me in my sleep or fix it for me or at least make it better.

This is the state all of us who have it bad are left in.

This awful juxtaposition of wanting to get better, but also wanting to die. It's without doubt the most perverse state any human can be left in. Like something dreamt up in the sick mind of a sadistic monster.

And the total incomprehension of how dreadful tinnitus is by those never afflicted by constant never ending noise in their own head, only adds more fuel to the frustration and misery.

You are not alone Allan. You truly aren't.

 

[Steve G]

I'm shit scared to do it.

Every night I ask God to take me in my sleep or fix it for me or at least make it better.

I was never cut out for this world. Always said wrong soul in the wrong body in the wrong time and now I'm destined to see out my days with this shit in my head.

Looking forward to the day it's over, as long as its quick painless and I'm not around to see it coming.

It'll be over with one day.

I am sitting here in a quiet room and my head is full of electrical pulsating noise. I am with you Allan and everyone else on this forum that suffers badly. Tinnitus destroys our existence. It is no longer a life to be enjoyed. I however or at least for now will just have to see this hellish life through. I wish for a cure or some medication to switch off this noise for all of us.