In Loving Memory of Kristen Aber

[OnceUponaTime]

So so sorry to hear this.

 

[Stevenjonesuk]

I am with you every step of the way here Steve.
But what can we do.................???

I've faced facts whilst others around me believe in something - I know I've reached the brick, wall no one, nothing can help - parents want me to go to a support group but it won't help!! I'll still have this debilitating condition as soon as I walk out the group, even as I walk in it too!!

Suicide just scares the hell out of me. I'm not that brave - considered methods and all that and have one in mind which is peaceful but you have to wait 30 mins for the peaceful end which sucks!!

 

[fishbone]

What happened to Danny Boy and Kristen highlights the pain, frustration and despair we all have to face, minute by minute, and every day of our lives, from this wretched predicament of loud on-going head-noise, while also having to come to terms with all that Tinnitus has stolen from us.

It also brings home to us that perhaps our biggest danger is the reality of what could happen to us
'at our own hand.'

'God may be in his heaven for some folks?'
Well he certainly 'ain't in mine......

(I've always been allergic to mumbo-jumbo)

Let's not bring and bash religion into this thread.....

What has happened to Kristin and Danny boy is beyond tragic, but it does not give anyone the right to bash someone else's belief......

 

[Stevenjonesuk]

if you think that no one will care if you're gone... This thread is proof that that's simply not true.

I don't think people care at the end point, of course I'm semi suicidal and I know it would break my mum, she talks of following me if I go - I've said what about your ten grandkids etc

 

[glynis]

For anyone feeling suicidal

Samaritans phone line -
Whatever you're going through, call us free any time, from any phone on 116 123. We're here round the clock, 24 hours a day, 365 ...
Samaritans' free to call ...

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-TALK [8255]) is a United States-based suicide prevention network of 161 crisis centers that provides a 24/7, toll-free hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. After dialling 1-800-273-TALK (8255), the caller is routed to their nearest crisis center to receive immediate counseling and local mental health referrals. The Lifeline supports people who call for themselves or someone they care about.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Mental Heath advice line,

No Panic
Voluntary charity offering support for sufferers of panic attacks and OCD. Offers a course to help overcome your phobia/OCD. Includes a helpline.

Phone: 0844 967 4848 (daily, 10am-10pm)

MIND advice line -
Our lines are open 9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday (except for bank holidays).
0300 123 3393
info@mind.org.uk
Text: 86463

Out of hours doctors,

AnE or Emergency Care,

NHS 111

MIND
0300 123 3393
info@mind.org.uk
Text: 86463

999 Emergency

Your family,

Doctor,

Church etc.

Miserably (CALM) – for men
Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to
Reach out to us we are here around the clock .

Life will get better,

love glynis

 

[Michael Leigh]

HI @Stevenjonesuk,

I know how debilitating tinnitus can be and the way is can affect a person. I live in the UK. If you ever want to chat on the phone please send me a PM and let me know.

If anyone else is having a difficult time with tinnitus and would like to chat on the phone please send me a PM.

All the best
Michael

 

[coffee_girl]

For people who are new and suffering with tinnitus, please know that most will have their tinnitus resolve or go away within a year or two... most will learn to habituate... most will live with it and be ok. Don't let stories like the few on these forums bum you out or make you more depressed. Hang in there, surround yourself with love and light.

Your tinnitus could be temporary, suicide is permanent.

 

[Michael Leigh]

Well said @coffee_girl and so true. Most people do learn to habituate to tinnitus with time....

 

[vermillion]

I believe Bam left us. His texts were reflecting a tremendous torment. There are many that left us. No doctor, no scientist, no therapist, no human could ever understand, imagine or more importantly BELIEVE even a glimpse of this nightmare of loud tinnitus and hyperacusis. The suffering is beyond the context of this world. Your own body has sabotaged you unmercifully by forcing you into eternal desperation that drifts you castaway and helpless on this island of isolation and disharmony. No second chances are given here. Hell might not be that cruel. The problem is that at this level, the condition is rare. If tinnitus was that common as the statistics claim and was always that severe, maybe the medical world would be interested in investing for research.

 

[Holly1987]

Whatever you do, don't commit suicide during the first two years after onset. There is a very high chance that one or both of the following events will happen: T could fade or you might habituate to the point where you will no longer feel like suicide is the best option for you.

So so true Bill, wonderful advice. I was ready to kill myself during the first year and I'm pretty sure if I wasn't so scared of screwing it up I would have. These days I still hate my tinnitus and it pisses me off to no ends but I no longer want to kill myself, it's now just something that really annoys me.

I'm so so sad for Kristen, may she rest in peace.

 

[Agrajag364]

I don't think people care at the end point, of course I'm semi suicidal and I know it would break my mum, she talks of following me if I go - I've said what about your ten grandkids etc

I know just how you feel Steve. Please hang on for better days and you are RIGHT not to do that to your mother either.

I couldn't do it to my parents or partner either though I wish I could. I had a good friend die recently and I so wished that it had been me instead of she who had everything to live for.

But anyone reading this who is also feeling suicidal please please do not encourage further towards it by my post, I have many other health problems and for me loud tinnitus was the final straw.

 

[JasonP]

She didn't have tinnitus for very long at all..... About 6 months.

We spoke on the phone a few times and texted each other quite often.

The last time we spoke she seemed to be doing much better.

She struggled with anxiety and depression as well.... She believed her tinnitus was due to medication.

She had some other symptoms on top of the tinnitus.

Out of the blue she just stop texting me and I had the sinking feeling in my gut.

Thank you for your kind words......it makes me happy to know that my post have helped you, even in a small way!!!

I think this hits a lot of us hard..... for those of us who are here trying to support others I think it feels like somebody slip through our fingers... For those people still struggling I'm sure this is scary.

If anybody reading this needs support please reach out.... There are so many people here who will be an ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on.

No matter where you're at in your journey with this thing..... We're all in it together!!!

Was she suffering depression and anxiety due to benzo withdrawal? I saw that is how she said she got tinnitus.

 

[Agrajag364]

I believe Bam left us. His texts were reflecting a tremendous torment. There are many that left us. No doctor, no scientist, no therapist, no human could ever understand, imagine or more importantly BELIEVE even a glimpse of this nightmare of loud tinnitus and hyperacusis. The suffering is beyond the context of this world. Your own body has sabotaged you unmercifully by forcing you into eternal desperation that drifts you castaway and helpless on this island of isolation and disharmony. No second chances are given here. Hell might not be that cruel. The problem is that at this level, the condition is rare. If tinnitus was that common as the statistics claim and was always that severe, maybe the medical world would be interested in investing for research.

I know people who have it loudly and it doesn't bother them. It just makes me feel worse about it tormenting me.

 

[billie48]

RIP Kristen. Sad to hear about her passing. Life is not meant to be easy. Tinnitus can make it feel like unlivable at times and it can tip the balance if a suicidal person has others baggage in life to deal with. Suicide is a complex thing as what can trigger such an act. Most of us are probably still puzzled by the suicide of some of the celebrities, such as Anthony Bourdain, L Wren Scott, Kate Spade, etc. Rich, famous, successful, and yet they took their lives without much explanation sometimes.

I agree with Bill, Coffee girl, fishbone and others that new tinnitus sufferers should give it a year or two for the body to heal and to perhaps have tinnitus going down to a lower level. This happens to many people. If it is your precious life, why rush to do the unthinkable when the evidence is that many do get better over time? There are also drugs or treatments being developed. So don't rush it. I gave myself 5 years back then dealing with ultra high pitched loud T plus severe hyperacusis, knowing that even some tinnitus mentors such as Kevin Hogan, Paul Tobbey, Dr. Nagler have all stated that they took years to heal. It ends up I didn't need 5 years. After 2 years I felt much better and on the 3rd year I wrote my success story. Try to learn some helpful strategies from others via the support forum and the success stories. You can even use private conversation for more personal advice. But don't rush to do the unthinkable. It is a one way street with no return, and with unknown consequences if there is an afterlife. So be patient and seek help while giving yourself and your body time.

 

[Wolfears]

I believe Bam left us. His texts were reflecting a tremendous torment. There are many that left us. No doctor, no scientist, no therapist, no human could ever understand, imagine or more importantly BELIEVE even a glimpse of this nightmare of loud tinnitus and hyperacusis. The suffering is beyond the context of this world. Your own body has sabotaged you unmercifully by forcing you into eternal desperation that drifts you castaway and helpless on this island of isolation and disharmony. No second chances are given here. Hell might not be that cruel. The problem is that at this level, the condition is rare. If tinnitus was that common as the statistics claim and was always that severe, maybe the medical world would be interested in investing for research.

Nicely written.

Only those who have been there can understand the terror and torture of severe tinnitus that is beyond description...and the subsequent tsunami of anxiety the minute they realize, that the only way to stop this horrifying nightmare is to kill themselves.

 

[Jazzer]

Let's not bring and bash religion into this thread.....

What has happened to Kristin and Danny boy is beyond tragic, but it does not give anyone the right to bash someone else's belief......

Personally I have no wish to bash anybody's religion, but while others are proclaiming the support that their faith gives them, I am honest enough to state that I do not have such a faith.

 

[fishbone]

Personally I have no wish to bash anybody's religion, but while others are proclaiming the support that their faith gives them, I am honest enough to state that I do not have such a faith.

That's fine don't have faith, that's on you. DO NOT call my faith/belief and other people's faith "Mumbo Jumbo". Using such words Dave only makes you look bad and it shows tons of ignorance.

Anyways, this thread belongs to the memory of Kristen, RIP.

 

[Jazzer]

That's fine don't have faith, that's on you. DO NOT call my faith/belief and other people's faith "Mumbo Jumbo". Using such words Dave only makes you look bad and it shows tons of ignorance.

Anyways, this thread belongs to the memory of Kristen, RIP.

Yes - I did use that phrase Fishbone and it was in very bad taste.
I apologise unreservedly.
I am sorry.
Even if that is my own private feeling about things, I am quite wrong to talk about it in that way.
By way of an explanation, I will admit this.
At different desperate times in my life I have prayed with tears in my eyes for a presence to help me bear my pain.
I have never experienced that presence with me.
I consequently gave up on the idea of the reality of god.
It never gave me any consolation.
I am glad if it helps others.

 

[Twinkle18]

@JasonP

Yes she had a bad case of benzo withdrawal in which she got over except for tinnitus.

But to deal with her relentless anxiety because of the tinnitus she decided tried another benzo and then got a really severe case of akathisia.

The last time I spoke with her she was struggling more with this than she was with her tinnitus.

Her tinnitus was improving and she was undergoing TRT which helped her greatly. It's just all so very very sad. It was just a bad combination.

I just wish there was more I could have done. I am feeling very haunted at the moment.

May she Rest In Peace <3

 

[Starthrower]

This brings me to my knees. When will it stop?

I wish we had had more time.....

I feel like I failed you...

I understand @Danikam. Thank you for being there for her.

This is for @Kristen Aber's family and loved ones and friends....

 

[1000]

So sorry,

Can this be exposed out of the forum? Can anyone get this into the media? Into researchers?

How can we get more attention?

 

[Greg Sacramento]

I respect everyone's thoughts, but maybe Kristen's family finds solitude in religion where others may as well.

I think that it was right to report the loss and to show compassion with thoughts.

I also appreciate that Glynis posted ways to seek support. I don't think that a poll thread (not this thread) without personnel comment that includes are you still suicidal is anything but a negative with red numbers for those who are depressed or may have clinical depression. I talked to two psych professionals today that agree.

If someone is having a hard time then this one place to come to for support.

 

[JasonP]

@JasonP

Yes she had a bad case of benzo withdrawal in which she got over except for tinnitus.

But to deal with her relentless anxiety because of the tinnitus she decided tried another benzo and then got a really severe case of akathisia.

The last time I spoke with her she was struggling more with this than she was with her tinnitus.

Her tinnitus was improving and she was undergoing TRT which helped her greatly. It's just all so very very sad. It was just a bad combination.

I just wish there was more I could have done. I am feeling very haunted at the moment.

May she Rest In Peace <3

Wow that is horrible. I am so sorry to hear that. I wish I could have talked to her since I have been through benzo withdrawal myself although I never had the akathisia.

I never wanted to take benzos long term because I had heard doctors tell me it shouldn't be taken long term as well as my own research. However, when my tinnitus became so loud I decided to finally start taking it everyday. It did help at first but then quit working to lower my tinnitus while at the same time still worked at making me tired and sedated. When I started to withdrawal I cut it in half believing it was okay to do since I was on such a small dose. It was a big mistake. I ended up getting really stressed out and depressed and then got benzo induced T. If it wasn't for the tinnitus I would have been able to withdrawal much faster but because of it and the fact that I have depression issues I had to find other methods to help me wean off. It took me years and although I haven't taken it in months it seems like I still have some emotional issues left but in the past several months I have made some significant improvements.

Can you tell me the original benzo and the latter benzo she took?

 

[Greg Sacramento]

Whatever you do, don't commit suicide during the first two years after onset.

Knowing your allowance from past posting on this topic that it's a choice is something that's concerning to me for those with depression, have fear and loss.

You don't have a psychology or medical background.

 

[Twinkle18]

Can you tell me the original benzo and the latter benzo she took?

She was on Xanax for two years and then I believe she only took one pill of klonopin which triggered the akathisia.

 

[CrystalB]

I hate to hear this, so sad for someone to become so depressed and feel so overwhelmed to take their own life. We don't know what anyone has to go thru with until you walk in their shoes. Everyone faces a battle in life, that's what life is, it's a battle that needs to be fought. I have never thought about suicide, I knew someone who died from it, it hurts the people around them so much. I know that life is too short anyways, I could take my own life today, and tomorrow would have been my day to die anyways. We don't know when our "check out" time is, hang in there, keep having hope, don't give up on what life you do have, Life is a Gift no matter what Life throws at you.

I am a religious person, I believe God will help me thru whatever tinnitus brings, or any other battle, God and my family has helped me this far and will always have my back. I pray and when I do pray I get so much comfort from that, it's the best feeling in the world to know I am a child of God.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

The most common med related to akathisia is Amitriptyline. Many dyskinesia or dystonia conditions can associate with tinnitus in a thousand ways and dental is one of them.

 

[JasonP]

She was on Xanax for two years and then I believe she only took one pill of klonopin which triggered the akathisia.

Wow that is absolutely horrible. I have never heard of anything like that. Do you know how long she was off the Xanax before she had the klonopin pill? Also, do you know how long she suffered with akathisia after that one pill? I had no idea any of this was possible.

 

[dpdx]

I also want to add that threads like this will trigger depression and anxiety in some posters, especially those with severe T or who are new to T.

She was on Xanax for two years and then I believe she only took one pill of klonopin which triggered the akathisia.

@Michael Leigh see why I wont take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety med. Things are made 1000X worse..

 

[Twinkle18]

see why I wont take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety med. Things are made 1000X worse

@dpdx

I just want to let you know that she tried other medications and it did not make her tinnitus worse at all. She had a very bad reaction (not tinnitus related). Very few people have a very hard time with meds. Everyone is different. I have read several of your posts and I really hope you find something that helps. I have pretty instrusive tinnitus that I can hear everywhere. I'm playing with a friend right now and I can hear my tinnitus. But I am not letting it bother me and I am able to ignore it and still having a great time.