Bill-
*lots of typos; apologies. I wrote it on my ipad, and my T n H were red linkng
Its hard to offer advice cohesively through this type of medium, but here goes. I wrote way more then I expected, and I predicate this with the statement that I see you Bill. I see your worry, your anxiety, your frozen state. I have been there. So while i have my own concern sending this, forgive me if it offends; it comes from truly wholesome desires for you.
Your girlfriend sounds like a rock star. The support she has given you is profound, and it is clear that she has been operating from many places. She will most likely have personal fears of her own, and she clearly loves you so seeing you go through this personal challenge would be difficult to anyone with a loved one suffering.
You have two problems - relationship problems, and this loop of depression and anxiety you have created for yourself, unconsciously but its what WHAT WE DO - WE DO DEPRESSION, WE DO ANXIETY, ETC. This is also called a Safe Problem. Its a beautiful mind trap - get stuck in a loop of anger, hurt, frustration, followed by feelings of depresssion, sadness and loneliness. Ironically the worry, the depression is serving your nervous system on some deep level - in a world of T and H, when every day is unknown, you DO KNOW you can DO DEPRESSION, so you meet your need for comfort and certainty by doing it. Ironically all of this uncertainty also serves you, even if its scary. Feeling depressed allows you to feel connection, with yourself and you get people to feel sorry for yourself. It works, but you are not growing, which is what our souls hope for as part of becoming the best people we can be. Because you are in a relationship, your girlfriend is also stuck on this loop with you, not growing too.
If you meet your girlfriends needs, she Will Not Leave You. People who are depressed are focused on themselves - i dont mean this to be harsh btw. Depression is a nice way to avoid taking some risks. But bu taking risks our lives are richer, we experience more fidelity, we grow and expand in so many ways. Being Certain and Comfortable with depression - you wont feel your soul fulfilled at all, but you will meet your needs.
Right now evidently the key is to try to get yourself out of this depression. Recognize you are allowing yourself into it, that you can if you really wanted to, sit down and spend 5 minutes on a cognitive restructuring exercise and change your whole world view of your anxiety and worry, and be reconnected to that Bill inside of you that you've lost touch with.
You know what to do; you mention it in the opening post. You had the courage to post here - you took action which proves you know you need to take action and that you have the balls to be a man and take action. I see that. But this feedback loop of depression is working out for you, until it doesnt. There are two key primary morivators we can grab a hold of when we get in these loops that stop us miving forward - we recognize that by stepping into the risk, away from the safe problem, we get to grow spiritually, emotionally, mentally even ohhsically. And if we are lucky, thise people that mean so much to us get to grow too, just as deeply. And that light that shines from within our hearts as we step into the unknown, we know that our own growth is helping us contribute beyond ourselves, for others no matter who they might be. So you hold your heqd up. You change your state, your physiology, and you start taking action, and you do this to grow, to model a growth mindset, to be a model for others so that in some small way your wctions will leqd someone else from the dark into the light. We all want this; its part of our nature if we look deep enough in our souls to see it. And your post here already shines so brightly.
I write this with my T t 9 and my H at 10. I am sat next to my wife while she watches tv on our expensive home cinema I just purchased right before I lost my hearing. And i have meditated tonight. I have done 30 minutes CBT, and even though I have had dark moments, I REFUSED to DO DEPRESSION. I want to model resilience and strength, courage and masculine energy to my wife and two daughters. As soon as I made this about modelling to them, and to the team I run at work, I havent ince slipped back into depression.
You have all of the resources my friend to transcend this, to give the T and H new meanings, and to re-align yourself with the man you want to be. And deep down all you also want to do is truly make her happy. You can make her heart soar to the clouds by making a decisin right now to change the script. One of the misnomers of depresssion is that it creates a story and then we get to share that story and people feel sorry for us; we get a very low quality experience of connection with ithers this way. Yet the misnomer is to truly feel loved, we must GIve love unconditionally, and likewise we should connect with others deeply, on their level and the result will be that we too feel connection deeply. Better quality means of achieving the same goal.
A key way to commect with your girlfirend too will be to start listening to her. Feminine energy likew to discuss details, and all sorts about whats going on in their lives to their partners, and they want to be heard. They dont want fixing, they want to be truly listened to and heard. They want our masculine presence to show up. The problem is, with T and H listening is hard....but its not impossible. I listen to my daughters every night - we do 10minutes each, where I literally listen to every single detail of their day. They play me music, they shiw me their dances, to loud music, and I show up. I domwhatever I need to,do, and sometimes i might out an ear plug in, but I show up. And I domthis because i have cinnected to it a deeper motivation - to model strength and courage to my daughters. By making it bigger than me, Its not possible for me to be stuck in depression. I do it with my wife too. My H can red line at 10mfor a long time and I even get the sweats due to the intensity. But I also,know, once my wife is finished, I will and do feel so proud of myself to showing up and being that man I always dreamed Imwouldmbe when I was a kid watching super heroes.
Its literally the meaning we give things that determines how we respond and who we become; a single, simple choice. And I am sure your girlfriend, once she sees your true strength and courage, will shine brighter and be stringer with you I am sure.
Mf.
Member
