My Sister Passed Away Two Days Ago... I Feel Like I'm Dying

[Fangen]

My sister committed suicide two days ago. She jumped from the bedroom window, my parents found her right after when a friend of hers called after seeing worrying messages.

She was 21. They tried for almost an hour, her heart would not be able to cope with her injuries. Her brain was probably damaged too. They let her go.

I thought tinnitus was my curse in life. I never thought she'd leave us. This is the single, worst pain I have ever felt. I have had depression myself and remember how it hurted inside. This is worse. Much worse. The disbelief, the pain, the guilt.

I saw her online today. My mom was probably on her computer. But I clicked on her chat bubble, in a second I remember she wasn't there. I had said goodbye to her at the hospital. I saw her, her being so still and.. gone. The memory of her there haunts me every moment I close my eyes. I can't even imagine my parents who found her. Is it messed up to feel glad not having to seen her broken body on the street?

Everything is pointless. Things I used to worry or care about. All is trivial. How did I care about that at all? Why didn't I care about my sister more? How can I ever find joy? How can I ever move on? The world moves forward but I am stuck in time. I am preparing her funeral. Still can't believe she is gone. Seeing videos of her breaks my heart. I just want to reach out and live in that moment where she still exist.

I'm dying inside. The pain is suffocating.

 

[Dana]

Oh, my God, dear Fangen, i do not know what to say. The pain must be ...
I cannot even imagine.
All i can say is that we are here for you, if you think that talking to us could ease the pain.
We are beside you.
At a loss for words.
Be strong.
In time, you will heal from this pain, which blindsided you.
We are here for you, dear Fangen.
This huge pain will go away one day.
Oh, my God, you have to be so strong, now.
Raise to the challenge.
We will all go there, one day.

 

[Michael B]

Fangen, I remember reading your posts early on. You were always great comfort to others. I am so sorry to hear about your sister. It's time we pay our respects to you and your family. God bless.

 

[New Guy]

So sorry for your loss....

 

[Dana]

I remember how you advised us to be careful at firecrackers, at the end of 2016, toward 2017. I wasn't. A firecracker caused me a terrible acoustic trauma in the first minutes of 2017.
After the firecracker i often thought about you and your advice.
You were with us in your mind, now we are with you, in our minds, hoping to get through what you have to go through now.
Little by little, the pain will ease, you will not feel suffocated anymore.
Healing will take time, but you will heal.
Courage!

 

[Tinker Bell]

I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you and your parents are experiencing. I know it's not easy, but I hope you will find comfort, strength and peace in happier memories.

We're all here for you. Don't hesitate to reach out if you need support.

 

[Starthrower]

I understand your pain Fangen.

The guilt and shame and endless blame still runs within my veins...

Start writing like I did above - years ago. Write your feelings and memories of your sister in a diary. It is going to take a very long time to feel okay again. There are so many mountains to climb when this happens to someone we cared about. Most of all when you are able try to find a real time support group if possible. Find help from a professional because there are so many different directions your heart will begin to feel.

This will probably be one of the most difficult times of your life. You loved your sister and there is no blame or guilt that should be taken on by you. But that will take time to understand. Know that this is not your fault in any way. All the other stuff isn't important right now or even for the next year.

It is a complex grief Fangen. Let yourself feel. And when possible let yourself smile again.

I am so very sorry.

 

[Dubbyaman]

If I had a time machine, I would give it to you my friend. ;((((

 

[fishbone]

I feel your pain

Loss of loved ones, is very very hard and it can take a long time to cope and recover. It's a day by day thing, we need each day to help us heal and slowly move forward. I lost a member of my family 4 years ago today and It bothers me very much. All I can say is that they, are resting in peace and in a better spot and a better place.

Try to think like that. It's possible that, your sister was in pain. My family member was in lots of pain mentally/physically and now she is free and not in pain and no more suffering for her. It's hard, very hard. Today has not been easy at all, but just having the courage to live our lives when pain is there, is a courageous thing to do

I send you lots of love and healing

 

[fishbone]

I wanted to also say this. I have had no one comfort me today, I am dealing with this huge loss by myself and it eats me up inside badly. I tried to reach out to my cousin and he has not picked up his phone all day long. No outside family calls, no one.

It's one of those horrible and devastating days that I suck it up and just pick myself up and show some positivity. I went to a lunch/birthday celebration and we went to a buffet. It was me and 4 ladies and I had my sunglasses on, It was so so hard to smile and laugh. I managed to not show my pain, but the pain of losing a loved one is the most difficult pain out there. I did not tell these ladies about my loss, I really wanted to ,but i did not want to take away from their celebration.

My point is this, please don't try to handle this by yourself. I know we all need our space and need to be alone at times. When times like this come around, try to reach out to those that love you and care for you. Possibly find comfort in their company, get some hugs, give some hugs, Shed tears of happiness with them, be with them. Don't face this alone, if you have someone, be with someone and be a team and heal with each other

I do have a dominant attitude as it shows in my posts, but I have a bigger heart and not having my family destroys me, but it's a pain, courage and a badge I wear everyday of my life The pain I carry outweighs, any pain that tinnitus can ever inflict on my soul...

You don't even know me, you may have lost a sister, but you gained a brother in me

 

[Jazzer]

@fishbone - you never cease to amaze me.
Not just your courage, but also your kindness.
You are truly my brother also,
Jazzer x

 

[Julien87]

I am so sorry to read this Fangen
Try to stay strong..

 

[glynis]

@Fangen,
My thoughts and love are with you and your family at this devastating time.
We are all here for you around the clock so please reach out to us anytime.
Sending you lots of love ,
Love glynis xxx

 

[SugarMagnolia]

I am offering a prayer for your sister and for you and your family.

 

[Jazzer]

Oh @Fangen - so so sad,
I am so sorry xx

 

[fran dana]

I'm very sorry for your loss. You can count on me (and with everyone here I suppose)
if that can help in anyway

 

[MBH]

My condolences to you and your family, find inner strength to face the coming days ahead. Keep her memories filled love. I understand great sorrow especially last summer I lost my brother to OCD and I received T. I also had to find strength. Again, I understand, my deepest sympathy.

 

[Fangen]

Thank you all for the love and support, sometimes it feels "okay" and some days are just crappy. We'll visit her today, I already saw her last week so I know the emotional wave that will hit me in an hour. It's going to open up all the wounds and feelings I've tried to mend a little during the last days. But it needs to be done, and I know in time it will be the best for us to say goodbye again in a less traumatic way. But it hurts like crazy.

 

[Jcb]

I'm so sorry to hear this, losing a loved one hits you hard and feels like part of you gets ripped out as well. Never be afraid to reach out to family members/friends and people on this forum.

 

[missingsilence]

I'm so sorry for your loss

 

[Dana]

And we say believe there is nothing worse than tinnitus...

 

[notquiet!]

I am so sorry Fangen. I can't imagine the pain you are going through.

 

[Rajin]

I am so sorry for your loss Fangen .My condolence to you and your family. God blessings!

 

[Candy]

Am very sorry to hear that, you're in my thoughts, please look after yourself x