Not Sure I Can Make It

R

RDM

Member
Author
Mar 26, 2015
10
Tinnitus Since
05/1997
#1
Hello...I used to come here from time to time when my T was "normal". Only time I heard it was for a few minutes before I went to sleep and was so tired that it didn't even matter. God, that was only 3 short months ago. I was even in a band playing for years, WITH musicians ear plugs. I only had it in my left ear and it was litteraly nothing. I've had it since 18.

I woke up one day in March and my the noise was incrediblely loud. I have always had "issues" with axiety so this really put me through the roof. Panic attacks which lead to depression. ENT's, MRI's, psychiatrist, therapists...have become my life now. All they said was I have very slight hearing loss in that ear. I believe that I have SAD and the brutual winter along with some other personal issues caused it to spike up.

March of 2014 the same thing kind of happened. I noticed it got a little louder, and using White noise for a few hours a day for a few weeks and NOT freaking out caused it to subside again and go down. God I only wished I could have done that this time.

It's been three months of complete hell, ADs, Klonipin and Remeron and I don't feel I am any better. Went to a nuero who wanted to put me on MORE drugs something called Lamictal which said should reduce the noiese. But nothing I find says that at all, so I am going to pass for now.

I have been talking to a CBT guy and TRYING to stay positive but I can't shake this feeling that my life is over. I have read the "positvity thread" many times over but cannot sink it into my head. I have a wife and two kids who I practically have abandoned since this started. I'm in bed every night at 9:00 now. I'm not even sure how I make it through work every day (I was out for two weeks). So, I had to give up the band, drinking, shooting, cigars, food (I don't know which drug has decreased my apptitie, I lost 30 pounds since) and pretty much everything I have ever loved.

EVERYONE I know reassures me that it will get better. But I see threads on here that after 3 months some people have accepted it and are better, but I am not. I have always had this negative thinking thing and it's hard to NOT think that way. Most of my friends have stopped showing up and I can't say that I blame them as all I do is sit there with a catatonic look on my face. Whenever I venture out somewhere all I can think about is getting back home.

Sleeping normally is now a thing of the past, permantly it seems. I can't even watch TV as I can hear the noise over it no matter what the volume is.

I guess I'm just venting, but like a lot of people I see on here, I can't lie and say that I didn't think about you- -know -what. If it wern't for my wife and kids....who knows. I feel like I should be in an asylum somewhere. I HATE being on all these meds doing god knows what to my brain and worry about getting off them and all the withdrawl symptons of EACH one.

I don't know how much longer I can take it. My wife God bless her puts up with a lot of my whining but how much longer till she can no longer take it. I just feel the old me is gone. I'm not sure he'll ever be back, no matter what I read on here.

I know you are all good people on here so I don't know what I'm asking for, I've read it all. But I just thuoght if someone could off some advice, ANY advice...I would appreciate it.

I could just kick myself for allowing this to happen. Had I maybe exercised or sought treatment in Jan and Feb this WHOLE thing could have been avoided.

Thanks....
 
#2
How could have it been avoided ? , I think you made it worse by taking more drugs and staying away from youre family , the only person that comforts me and makes me forget about T is my mom cause I'm 18 and have no kids so man up , because havving faith , WILL GET U THROUGH ANYTHING!!
 
#3
After 7 months of T sometimes soft sometimes loud, I just don't care anymore. I thought just like you for a while but i have just decided to get on with my life. I was on kpin for 4 months and then AD for 2. I got off the meds and no longer fear anything. I try not to show any emotion towards it. You can get there too. I lost 18 pounds but then I gained back 10. It wasn't until the sixth month that I just started accepting it and ignoring it as much as possible.
Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault as much as its not mine. We didn't do anything to deserve this.
First step is to start getting back into your old life again. Do things to take your mind off of it. The more you feed it the worst it gets, the louder it gets. Getting better is the same. The more you ignore it the better it gets. You have to start fighting. Get off the computer, for some reason it makes it louder. Stop reading the posts. Stop looking for cures. All these things will keep you from getting better.
7 months ago I thought my life was over, started selling my belongings, not sure how I could live like this forever. Today I sit here typing tell you its gets a lot lot better even if it doesnt go away. You need to develop a mental toughness. I didnt have it, and it took time, but I got there and you can too.
The other reason you need to get better is for your family. They will see you like this and it will start to affect them too. You cant change whats happened, but you can change how you react toward it. I finally realized that all the anxiety and worrying about this didnt make anything better for me, it only made things worst. Thats how I got better.
If you read some of my earlier posts, I was in pretty bad shape with H and T. Its been a long road, but I have slowly gotton better and you can too.
 
#4
Thanks @RB2014....thing is is that I'm an I.T. guy so I'm in front of the computer all day. I don't search for cures nessessarily though, just reading in general but I hear what you are saying. As far as the meds, I hear you but my family does not think I should get off them yet. And they may be right. But I'm sick and tired of feeling tired and groggy all the time. And I blame myself cause I played in loud bands my entire life thinking that it would never catch up with me. Well, it did so. But I hear you. But how can I ignore it when its so loud? I can't NOT hear it. I would kill for it to just go down a HAIR. But, I guess I will see after another 2-3 months.

Thanks for your kind words and advice. I appreciate it.
 
#5
I'm a EE and also in front of the computer all day. I had a sub in my car when I was younger. Back then we didnt know what we know now. I kick myself for the Poison/Warrant concert I hit when I was 16. I had T for 3 straight days and that should have been a warning. You cant change any of that.
My family didnt want me off them either. I wont give you advice on that. The meds will probably help you deal with this better and get better faster.
If you start ignoring it and stop reacting to it, you will have more better days then bad days. It will go down in volume when you start doing this. its a spiral affect and you will get better faster. When you get hit at first, you get hit hard and you cant get your mind off it. I'm sure you have read the threads. Tinnitus feeds on anxiety, negativety, fear, etc. The more you think about it the louder it gets. The more get your mind off it the quieter it gets. The first thing you have to do is change your reaction to this thing. Dont fear it, embrace it. Dont think negative thoughts. Negative thoughts make this worst. If you keep going down this path, you will get H and thats a whole different ballgame. It can get much much louder than just loud.
Start thinking you will get better and you will. Keep thinking you will get worst and you will also. You have to purge all emotion. Become a vulcan. Give it a couple days. You will notice it gets quieter. Dont react to it. Once you start this path it gets better.
If you take Kpin, you probably know this. You can still hear the T, but you dont care about it anymore. Thats the attitude you must embrace. Then start doing things you enjoy again. Force yourself to do them even if you dont want to. You will learn to cherish the good days and accept the bad. The more and more you feel better about this the quieter it will get.
Keep on this path and that is how people reach habituation. You may or may not get there, but you have to start down this path. You will either habituate, or you will just not care anymore.

Lets go the other way. Keep worrying about it, it keeps getting louder and louder and louder. Keep having negative thoughts and it gets louder, more anxiety means its louder, more fear makes it louder. Eventually you become more and more depressed. Eventually this takes it toll on your body and you get H on top of T. The H makes it unbearably loud. then it takes months and months of kpin to get the H back down, then you are back to it being loud. Dont go down this road.

You know how to beat this thing and only you can make yourself better. The doctors arent going to help you on this one.

Something I forgot, is that lack of sleep also makes this worst. Once you get your full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep it helps a lot and this also helps you get better faster. Take melatonin to help you sleep.

Also to answer your question. You cant ignore it when its that loud. Accept it. do the things to get you better. Once it quiets down is when you are able to ignore it, only then. Once you can do that you will forget for hours at a time. Again its a spiral affect. It gets quieter and quieter......
 
#8
Like I said I had it my whole life but it was unnoticeable, but I have been playing guitar in a band my whole life also. Started wearing ear plugs 10 years ago no problem. I think it was stress that set it off. I have always had anxiety issues and it was bad in Jan and Feb, so in March I think it let loose. And @RB2014 I will try my hardest to take your advice. I mean I know I have no other choice but right now I'm a literal mess. Maybe in a few months I'll be able to deal better. Tomorrow is a party that my wife and daughter are going to. I would love to go but there is no way I can go and sit there for 5-6 hours in this state. I saw a post in the positivity thread where someone said in the beginning all he looked forward to was taking that sleeping pill at night. That's where I am sadly at right now. I'm in bed at 9:00 and asleep by 10:30 or 11:00. I don't know what else to say. I'm not looking for a cure or anything like that. But it seems to me like I had a really good life and took it all for granted. I hope I can get back to it. I used to love going to the movies. I went once a week. I haven't been since this started. I'm afraid it'll be too loud for one and two I don't think I can sit there for two hours straight with my anxiety.

I don't know what else to say. Time heals all wounds but seeing some of these posts of people with it for years who still complain REALLY REALLY freaks me out. I know everyone is different. They say 98% habituate and I pray to God that I am in THAT group. When it was not bothering me, I always tried the stuff they say to take to see if I could make it completely go away. That never happened and it did not bother me. It was oh well, it's still ok. Went to chiropractor, accupuncture, nothing so. I read also somewhere that the older you get the less your brain can rebound or hold it off. Plus they said caffine KEEPS IT AT BAY. And like an idiot in Jan and Feb I also cut my caffine down because I thought it was making my anxiety worse. So, it was like the perfect storm. Oh and I also took NSAIDS for an issue I was having and they say THAT can make it worse. So, like I said, all of that combined and here I am.

I bought melatonin but I think someone else said not to take it with the Remeron I take for sleeping. Someone also mentioned valerican root or something?

I haven't gotten 8 hours of sleep in 3 months. I get usually 5 or 6 at the most and thats WITH the pill. Although last night I DID manage to fall asleep without it. But only for an hour or so.

@RB2014 I completely appreciate and hear your words. I have the tunes playing on my PC now pretty loud and still I hear it. I don't know how to ignore it..yet...I guess maybe that will come later. I tried to even mediate with my earbuds but again, hard to relax and breathe with that sound so close with the earbuds in.

I have resigned myself to the fact that it's going to be a rough summer but maybe by September or October I'll be half normal again. And maybe then I can fight it better.

Thanks again everyone.
 
#10
I had it my whole life too and also unnoticeable. 6 months of stress and anxiety made mine worst. I also only looked forward to sleep everyday for the first few months. I was afraid to leave the house to go get gas. I could not imagine myself leaving the house. Right now you are not thinking clearly due to the anxiety. I could not imagine myself going on vacation and I'm going in 2 weeks. I got 2 hours of sleep a night for the first 4 months. My hearing is shot. They say T gets worst as your hearing gets worst. You cant have it worst than me.
I got better. 98% are good odds.
Just say to yourself you are going to put your life on hold for the next few months until you get better. Let the wife and kids know that you have some healing to do, but that you are going to be 100 percent in a few months and that you just need some time.
Get super involved in your work. You will find times you can ignore it. If you can ignore it for 1 minute you will realize it was quieter than before. Again its a cumulative effect.
Some people spend years in the downward spiral until they figure out how to make it better. Read posts by I who love music and he tells you how to react to your T. It works.
Keep in mind this wont happen overnight. I guarantee if you follow these steps you will get better.
 
#11
Check your heart rate. I bet its up 20 beats per minute more than usual. The anxiety is whats keeping you up at night. Your body is in a bad state. Thats why your T is loud. You have to calm yourself down. You have to stop thinking about all the stuff you did to make it worst. No one knows for sure. Some say caffeine is good some say bad. I'm telling you now all that stuff didnt matter. Dwelling on it only makes you worst. You cant change anything you did.
If you think about it, it makes sense. Get your body back to normal and your T will get back to normal. With good hearing you have an even better/faster chance of getting well.
T is really complicated and there are many ways to get better. At the end of the day its the overactive neurons. Calm then down you get back to normal.
 
#12
Thanks, and again thats some good advice. Could you point me the I WHO LOVES MUSIC post that you speak of? He has 100's and I'm not sure which one to look at. And can I ask you how long it took for you to get better? Cause I am going into my fourth month....another 6 months? I know it could take longer but...I guess wishing it away is
 
#14
You made me laugh for the first time in a long time. Yes you are correct! I check my heart rate on my phone constantly and it IS always in the 90's....where it shuold be between 60 and 77 I think. That is why I go to bed at 9:00. It's the ONLY place where I don't feel anxious. But as soon as I get up it starts. I still have one cup of coffee...maybe that is a bad idea at this point?
 
#15
@RDM
Same here. IT support guy sitting at the computer whole day.
Loud, high-pitched T, louder than the shower!
20 months in, still alive. Wife, kids and a mom who keep me going.
In the beginning, only anxiety 24/7 and lost weight. After a while, anxiety went down a little bit, some days it is milder. But every day is difficult.
If it is loud (like today), depression and anxiety high. But somehow I can go through my day.
I believe in SF0034 and AUT00063. Pharma is on the right path.
Not sleeping and losing weight is because of anxiety.

My suggestions:
Try to have a normal daily routine as good as possible.
Even it is damn hard with anxiety, depression and T, do some exercising. You will feel better afterwards.
Find some masking sounds like crickets, water sounds or blue noise.
If it becomes overwhelming, take a benzo.
But try going in general without benzo. I take Remeron two hours before I sleep.
Sleep is best relief from T.
It is hard, damn hard. But there will be relief. Retigabine works and pharmas working on the right med.

You must be strong man. We are here for you.
 
#16
Sorry for your situation. All I can say is, don't focus on the T. Focus on every enjoyable thing that presently exists. Focus on the conversation. Focus on the laughter. Focus on the moment. For when you look back, you won't remeber the T.

I think to myself that T Is not physically harming me, nor was I crazy to begin with. You can still be yourself. Ditch the drugs and do what you love.

I also work in a quiet office environment, but they at least allow me headphones to listen to what I want. I keep my ears and mind busy with comedy radio shows, audiobooks and podcasts. It's better than sitting and listening to the T.
 
#17
No coffee, no sugar, no caffene right now. All of these make you more anxious and will keep you from getting better. It took me 7 months to get where I am now. At month 4 I was in bad bad shape. Yes your heart rate should be in the low 60s ish. I need to find the posts by IWLM, but he has a large thread. Check the first 3 pages.
Do meditation, deep breathing, calming exercises, no negative thoughts. Once you calm your body down, you sleep better. Once you sleep better your T gets better. For me it was the constant negative thoughts I have having. You have to completely eliminate those. Count to 100 backwards. Dont dwell on any end of world scenarios for more than 1 second. It takes time, but slowly you get better.
 
#18
Listen to David go to the party. It's better than sitting at home thinking about your T.
Martin69. I'm so glad to see you still fighting.
I am on a mission to not let this beat me. My new focus is taking care of my family.
 
#19
@Zeee I tell everyone that I want to get off but they say I am crazy. I have had two previous bouts of depression so I think I need them for at least another few months? @RB2014 , dam not one cup of coffee? Thats going to hurt. I do drink a hell of a lot of chamomile, that I can tell you! And thanks too @Martin69. I know I have to be strong. I WAS A STRONG person until this, that is what kills me. Just checked heartrate...88. So yeah....doctor wanted to put me on clonodine for BP (another dam drug) but I was on it for a month and told him forget it. I didn't like it. See, taking all the drugs somehow makes me MORE anxious!! If that is not a paradox I don't know what is. OK so at month 4 @RB2014 you were still very bad. I am entering month 4, so I am still in for a rough ride I guess. The other thing that kills me is that, and I know this may sound immature, but I wait ALL YEAR for summer.!!!! And truth is, is that this one is ruined. I know I have to heal so I've accepted it as much as I can.

Thanks again everyone. I appreciate it all. I can only hope that one day I can offer some advice and thoughts to other sufferers. If only we had a time machine we could all go back in and avoid all of this....
 
#20
@RDM
Coffee does nothing to my T.
But I drink without caffeine, two cups every day.
Don't let T rule your diet. Enjoy what you like.
I also drank chamomile T, 3-4 cups a day. Bah.

Your higher heart rate is definitely because of anxiety.
My tip: Don't check it. You cannot change it at the moment.
Or try meditation, long walks, ride the bike, eat as healthy as possible.

Your reaction is normal. Many were where you are. Your body and brain must adjust to this craziness in your head. This is nothing that happens over night. It depends on loudness and frequency to adjust. Believe in time as a healer. For some it takes months, for others longer.
 
#22
Street Spirit said:
T is not really my problem..I have bad H which is worsening with pain. T is bad enough but pain with sounds is fing horrible.

I can't tell you exactly why I am here and at this point it doesn't matter.
Click to expand...
Hope u get better :) life is wonderful there could be so many obstacles but trust me , TIME IS A HEALER
 
#24
H is bad. I can understand the pain. For me getting control of my anxiety got rid of my H. It took a while for it to go away though. Maybe consider trying something different. I hope you get better as well. If it's been two years you might consider ADs. Lessening your reaction to this mess might get you better faster. Kpin will also help since it's calms you down for 4 hours at a time.
I'm no doctor but it's what worked for me.
 
#26
Rdm. The AD meds will help. I didn't get better until I took them. The funny thing is that the meds didn't get me better. Believing the meds would get me better is what got me better. Placebo effect.

Go back to your hobbies. Get your mind off this stuff. That really helped me too.

Coffee ok, caffeine bad. When you get better you can have all the caffeine and sugar you want.
 
#27
@RDM , I thought I have dark thought but you beat me :) So instead of going to bed after another shitty night ( not because of T though, but leaking sinuses and damn neighbours and then damn workers with hammers and drills) which makes me so tired my head and eyes are explosing I will try to give you some positive energy . I hope I'm able to..
I asked myself what would be a difference between me and you..and I think it's the kind of depression. Mine is more reactive I think whereas yours seems to be a deeper problem. I understand your hatred for meds - I 'd been taking a lot already for other issues before T and I definitely didn't want to take even more of them because of T. Sooner or later they will stop working anyway and the quality of sleep on meds sucks - it's not the same as the natural one. When I took benzos in the beginning sure I fell asleep fast , but I woke up fast too. Now without drugs I sleep way better, much longer. If you read what folks write here it seems that sooner or later they get to sleep quite normally. Well, that's true I sleep with the background music, very silent, as silent as possible just to mask the T a little. And I usually take some melatonine, but I consider it mild - it's natural. It's not a dreadful benzo. Can only do you good. If you temper off the drugs you will feel better that you don't depend on them. I have some other herbal pills , but I 'm not sure it helps at all, but herbal doesn't hurt, you can try them too.
Otherwise, from what you describe you seem extremely low and it shows out whereas I would say when I talk to people I probably still seem 'normal', but I didn't have many friends to leave behind anyway, so there's that. But when it comes to wife and kids..man ..this treasure you just CANNOT neglect ad lose because of T! You owe them that. As for them tell yourself you just cannot abandon them..they should be your trigger . Be a fighter. Be angry if you want. I am. I am really pissed I got this. But what would really kill me would be losing the things I treasure. My tiny family, ( bf plus 2 cats ) . Have your bad days, but make an effort and sometimes pretend for them all is ok - forget about yourself and let your family be your remedy because from what I feel now is you reject them. Imagine how you would feel if you REALLY lost them. Just you and your T. Would that be an option ? and hey...you, like me, have only had it since March. It can still subside to at least milder version. So..head up a little bit..I know it's easy to say, but you must appreciate what you have and you've got a lot to lose. I presume a lovely family and a good job? I wish I had that! My worry is I won't because of T. You're very rich. Try to fight a bit more for yourself..
 
#30
Ok, so ...here is the best advice I can give you and it has nothing to do with T ..at all.
I figure there is nothing you can do about that anyways so...

Think in percentages , as in what will make you feel 2% better , and then add to that something that will make you feel 5% better , something completely unrelated to T. Go swimming and score 3% , go to the party and forget about this JUST for that party , decide to score 8% for going to the party and suffer tomorrow.

Its accumulative , exactly like suffering for days, months is cumulative , reverse engineer the situation.
You get exhausted because of the relentlessness and monotony , so...break it up , in whatever way possible.
Start small , gaining momentum as you move forward and feel better.

Now , imagine that you manage to forget about T for just 1-4 hours , lost in some activity .
Thats 1-4 LESS hours in the bank if you will.

Hope I am making sense , this approach saved my life.

Also...stop thinking about the past , its pointless and you are just torturing yourself.
 

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