Photo Album of Tinnitus Talk Members

[Steph1710]

Hair's getting long. But maybe a bit too long. It starts to get in my eyes. I have let it grow for about 6 months but I am thinking of cutting it now.

Julien - I'll this loud and clear. DO NOT CUT IT!

 

[Steph1710]

Yes, yes, I understand. No tracksuit, no sex appeal. Keep it in your pants, horndogs.

The past is definitely painful to look back on sometimes. Mind you, it's a great picture. I am loving the T-shirt.

 

[Steph1710]

This was me yesterday, doing a bit of conservation on a frame.

Not very exciting, but I haven't got a lot on atm. Though I did have my first sea swim of the year on Thursday. Felt damn good.

Also, completely random - but I want to leave my partner of six years, but I don't know how. Life hey! It's never easy.

 

[Zugzug]

Also, completely random - but I want to leave my partner of six years, but I don't know how. Life hey! It's never easy.

As someone who was dumped by my wife of 3.5 years (relationship 9 years), which from my perspective was a "blind siding," here's my advice. BTW, I'm working under the assumption that no one super wronged the other one (cheating, etc.) -- just sort of issues.

1) Try a reconciliation phase. What really fucked with me is that she said some super vile things to me (that I won't repeat), and yet I still walked away from the conversation and made a sheet of things I wanted to work on. She read the sheet, hugged me, and said it doesn't matter. In my opinion, long-term-relationships are owed a respectful reconciliation phase.
2) Be straightforward about your communication before you dump them. My wife would drop hints about divorce here and there, but I just assumed that if she was serious, she would like sit me down and have a conversation about it. For example, we got in a fight and she said "Do you think we will make it another year?" Okay, this is a perfectly fair question to ask. What was not okay was that the relationship was done, done 3 days later. Do not skip the reconciliation phase!

I don't want to weigh in much more because the dynamics could be different. For example, you have medical problems and want to dump your partner. For me, it was the other way around. Totally different thing because an abandoned sick person has to worry about insurance, income, drug coverage, housing, etc.

Really, in summary, communicate. People tend to handle the truth a lot better than they handle wishy washy passive aggressive stuff. My wife sucked at emotional communication so would hold it in and blow up. Not the way to go, from the dumped person's perspective.

Lol, yes, I have a lot of thoughts on this subject.

 

[kingsfan]

As someone who was dumped by my wife of 3.5 years (relationship 9 years), which from my perspective was a "blind siding," here's my advice. BTW, I'm working under the assumption that no one super wronged the other one (cheating, etc.) -- just sort of issues.

1) Try a reconciliation phase. What really fucked with me is that she said some super vile things to me (that I won't repeat), and yet I still walked away from the conversation and made a sheet of things I wanted to work on. She read the sheet, hugged me, and said it doesn't matter. In my opinion, long-term-relationships are owed a respectful reconciliation phase.
2) Be straightforward about your communication before you dump them. My wife would drop hints about divorce here and there, but I just assumed that if she was serious, she would like sit me down and have a conversation about it. For example, we got in a fight and she said "Do you think we will make it another year?" Okay, this is a perfectly fair question to ask. What was not okay was that the relationship was done, done 3 days later. Do not skip the reconciliation phase!

I don't want to weigh in much more because the dynamics could be different. For example, you have medical problems and want to dump your partner. For me, it was the other way around. Totally different thing because an abandoned sick person has to worry about insurance, income, drug coverage, housing, etc.

Really, in summary, communicate. People tend to handle the truth a lot better than they handle wishy washy passive aggressive stuff. My wife sucked at emotional communication so would hold it in and blow up. Not the way to go, from the dumped person's perspective.

Lol, yes, I have a lot of thoughts on this subject.

She could always follow my ex-fiancee's direction and just date other people for months behind his back.

 

[Zugzug]

She could always follow my ex-fiancee's direction and just date other people for months behind his back.

God almighty, I'm sorry.

 

[Damocles]

This was me yesterday, doing a bit of conservation on a frame.

View attachment 45290

A big thank you to @Steph1710 for preserving the beautiful historic artefacts of our fair Kingdom.

People may have been on their door steps for the NHS all last year, but it was the Archaeological Historians I was clapping for!

 

[Damocles]

As someone who was dumped by my wife of 3.5 years (relationship 9 years), which from my perspective was a "blind siding," here's my advice. BTW, I'm working under the assumption that no one super wronged the other one (cheating, etc.) -- just sort of issues.

1) Try a reconciliation phase. What really fucked with me is that she said some super vile things to me (that I won't repeat), and yet I still walked away from the conversation and made a sheet of things I wanted to work on. She read the sheet, hugged me, and said it doesn't matter. In my opinion, long-term-relationships are owed a respectful reconciliation phase.
2) Be straightforward about your communication before you dump them. My wife would drop hints about divorce here and there, but I just assumed that if she was serious, she would like sit me down and have a conversation about it. For example, we got in a fight and she said "Do you think we will make it another year?" Okay, this is a perfectly fair question to ask. What was not okay was that the relationship was done, done 3 days later. Do not skip the reconciliation phase!

I don't want to weigh in much more because the dynamics could be different. For example, you have medical problems and want to dump your partner. For me, it was the other way around. Totally different thing because an abandoned sick person has to worry about insurance, income, drug coverage, housing, etc.

Really, in summary, communicate. People tend to handle the truth a lot better than they handle wishy washy passive aggressive stuff. My wife sucked at emotional communication so would hold it in and blow up. Not the way to go, from the dumped person's perspective.

Lol, yes, I have a lot of thoughts on this subject.

No, this is a case where for once our condition can be used to our advantage.

Tell him/her they're too noisy, and they snore!

... also that they smell.

 

[Steph1710]

She could always follow my ex-fiancee's direction and just date other people for months behind his back.

Could you not talk about me in the third person please.
Despite it seeming like a flippant comment, this is a very sensitive topic.

For the record, my father tried to kill himself when he found out my mother had been cheating on him for years. Because of this, I have never, ever once cheated and I never would. I have seen the complete devastation it can cause.

I understand you're still hurting from what your ex did to you, but please do not suggest I would even consider being such a complete cunt and cheat on anyone. Not everyone is a heartless fuck.

Steph

 

[prowlinacage]

I love that English people drop the c-word on the reg. It's such a weird taboo here in the U.S.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

Could you not talk about me in the third person please.

I don't think he meant that comment that way but I'm also irrelevant so carry on.

 

[Damocles]

Could you not talk about me in the third person please.

Despite it seeming like a flippant comment, this is a very sensitive topic.

For the record, my father tried to kill himself when he found out my mother had been cheating on him for years. Because of this, I have never, ever once cheated and I never would. I have seen the complete devastation it can cause.

I understand you're still hurting from what your ex did to you, but please do not suggest I would even consider being such a complete cunt and cheat on anyone. Not everyone is a heartless fuck.

Steph

Okay. On a serious note.

Very sorry to hear what you and your Dad went through, @Steph1710.

We (as humans) unfortunately hurt the ones we love so often following our impulses and desires, when faced with the moral dilemma of taking what we want by treading on others, or making a sacrifice by doing the right thing.

That said, I'm certain @kingsfan was merely reminded by your plight of a traumatic time for himself, and chose with a lack of caution to use the pronoun "she", when really the comment was entirely disassociated from you.

I think everyone on the forum can tell from your demeanor, you are both an extremely sweet and caring person.

 

[aot]

Also, completely random - but I want to leave my partner of six years, but I don't know how. Life hey! It's never easy.

Hey, Steph. Sorry things are going so bad right now. No matter how it goes, remember that life goes on and you can be happy again.

Life goes on and people change. Breaking up will hurt. A lot. By staying with someone you don't love anymore will be far more damaging in the long run.

 

[prowlinacage]

Willamette River, Portland, OR.

 

[kingsfan]

Could you not talk about me in the third person please.

Despite it seeming like a flippant comment, this is a very sensitive topic.

For the record, my father tried to kill himself when he found out my mother had been cheating on him for years. Because of this, I have never, ever once cheated and I never would. I have seen the complete devastation it can cause.

I understand you're still hurting from what your ex did to you, but please do not suggest I would even consider being such a complete cunt and cheat on anyone. Not everyone is a heartless fuck.

Steph

It was a joke and had no reflection on what I think about you. I am sorry.

 

[Steph1710]

As someone who was dumped by my wife of 3.5 years (relationship 9 years), which from my perspective was a "blind siding," here's my advice. BTW, I'm working under the assumption that no one super wronged the other one (cheating, etc.) -- just sort of issues.

Hi Zugzug,

I really appreciate the time you took to out for some advice. It means a lot right now. <3

Unfortunately, I have most definitely tried all of the above, but to no avail.

I took us out on a walk a couple of weeks ago, and explained exactly how I was feeling, and why, and what can be done to change things.

I was straight up, and said that I was rapidly falling out of love with him, and if he doesn't try to change things, then 'we' can't be saved. But I want us to be saved.

I also said that I don't easily give up, and I won't walk away without fighting my hardest first.

There's a number of things that have pushed me almost to the point of no return. For example, I am an incredibly 'happy go lucky' person. I love life and being around different people everyday. I can find the joy and excitement in almost everything.

My partner, on the other hand, absolutely hates people. He hates meeting new people, hates being out in public, and hates having to socialise, unless it's with his family (he loves that). This wouldn't be a problem for me, and I could accept he doesn't want to do anything, but he gets angry, and jealous if I go out without him (I invite him along every single time).

So, if I go out, I have to face the wrath when I return. Sometimes this is in the form of not speaking to me for days, which is an incredibly lonely experience. Or it's in the form of anger, which is awful.

Another big issue we have, is that I can't get him to move out of his parents (we both live here now). I have a perfectly good van we can live in again, but he is too comfortable where he is. Oh, and I've tried to find us places to rent, but he doesn't want to rent.

Now, living with his parents is a major problem for us. We're both 31, and because his family are strict Baptist, we're not even allowed in the same room with the door shut. We haven't slept in the same bed for 3 years. We're not even allowed to hold hands etc. I wouldn't find this so bizarre, if he hadn't had gone and had a child at 19, so he's hardly the Virgin fucking Mary, is he!

So, we have zero intimacy together. My sex drive is through the roof! Always has been. But he won't sleep with me either. I hit on him all the time, but it's always the same thing: "we can't because of my parents".

Anyway, it's mainly the sulking and the constant mood swings which I hate. People have started to notice how he is with me, because he no longer tries to hide it in front of them — which is awkward.

The other day, I said to him in front of my sister and her partner: "where were you? I was calling you for ages. You could have come to the beach with us. We were right near you." To which he replied: "yeah. I know you were calling. I didn't wanna speak to you."

My sister and her boyfriend looked over at me, as if to say, 'what the fuck'. It was so embarrassing. And this is now a common occurrence.

I don't know what to do @Zugzug, I feel at a complete loss.

 

[Steph1710]

I love that English people drop the c-word on the reg. It's such a weird taboo here in the U.S.

Yeah, the word sounds weird if Americans say it — doesn't have the same grit.

 

[Steph1710]

It was a joke and had no reflection on what I think about you. I am sorry.

I am sorry @kingsfan,

It was late when I read your comment last night. I'm very sensitive at the moment, as you can tell.

I just hate when cheating is mentioned. It's such an awful thing to do to someone. I never want to be tarred with the same brush as my 'oh so wonderful' mother.

What your wife has done is inexcusable. But think of it this way: Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has the ability to cheat? I know I wouldn't want to be.

Please accept my apology — I didn't mean to flip like I did.

<3

 

[Steph1710]

I don't think he meant that comment that way but I'm also irrelevant so carry on.

No one on here is irrelevant — I appreciate your take on it.

It was just by using the pronoun 'she', made it sound very personal.

 

[Tweedleman]

Yeah, the word sounds weird if Americans say it — doesn't have the same grit.

This is so true! I've actually thought alot about this! I used to work with an Englishman and I freaking loved to hear him drop that particular swear word. More than any other, lol. You guys really do have a way of putting that extra bit of mustard on it! It just sounds so much more torquey when spat out like, "k-AH-nt!" As opposed to the way we tend to say it, with more of a dreary "UH-nt!"

In my neck of the woods it's even more taboo than the F-bomb. My mom used to crucify me for uttering it!

 

[Charburchar]

Hi Zugzug,

I really appreciate the time you took to out for some advice. It means a lot right now. <3

Unfortunately, I have most definitely tried all of the above, but to no avail.

I took us out on a walk a couple of weeks ago, and explained exactly how I was feeling, and why, and what can be done to change things.

I was straight up, and said that I was rapidly falling out of love with him, and if he doesn't try to change things, then 'we' can't be saved. But I want us to be saved.

I also said that I don't easily give up, and I won't walk away without fighting my hardest first.

There's a number of things that have pushed me almost to the point of no return. For example, I am an incredibly 'happy go lucky' person. I love life and being around different people everyday. I can find the joy and excitement in almost everything.

My partner, on the other hand, absolutely hates people. He hates meeting new people, hates being out in public, and hates having to socialise, unless it's with his family (he loves that). This wouldn't be a problem for me, and I could accept he doesn't want to do anything, but he gets angry, and jealous if I go out without him (I invite him along every single time).

So, if I go out, I have to face the wrath when I return. Sometimes this is in the form of not speaking to me for days, which is an incredibly lonely experience. Or it's in the form of anger, which is awful.

Another big issue we have, is that I can't get him to move out of his parents (we both live here now). I have a perfectly good van we can live in again, but he is too comfortable where he is. Oh, and I've tried to find us places to rent, but he doesn't want to rent.

Now, living with his parents is a major problem for us. We're both 31, and because his family are strict Baptist, we're not even allowed in the same room with the door shut. We haven't slept in the same bed for 3 years. We're not even allowed to hold hands etc. I wouldn't find this so bizarre, if he hadn't had gone and had a child at 19, so he's hardly the Virgin fucking Mary, is he!

So, we have zero intimacy together. My sex drive is through the roof! Always has been. But he won't sleep with me either. I hit on him all the time, but it's always the same thing: "we can't because of my parents".

Anyway, it's mainly the sulking and the constant mood swings which I hate. People have started to notice how he is with me, because he no longer tries to hide it in front of them — which is awkward.

The other day, I said to him in front of my sister and her partner: "where were you? I was calling you for ages. You could have come to the beach with us. We were right near you." To which he replied: "yeah. I know you were calling. I didn't wanna speak to you."

My sister and her boyfriend looked over at me, as if to say, 'what the fuck'. It was so embarrassing. And this is now a common occurrence.

I don't know what to do @Zugzug, I feel at a complete loss.

Steph, you did the right thing by being straight and telling him exactly how you feel. Not many people would be so sincere. If I could offer any advice it would be this: be decisive and commit to whatever decision you choose to make. I've been in unnecessarily prolonged and miserable relationships simply because neither of us took the initiative to end things, which only made us more unhappy. I hope things work out for you whatever you choose to do — you deserve it!

 

[Tweedleman]

Hi Zugzug,

I really appreciate the time you took to out for some advice. It means a lot right now. <3

Unfortunately, I have most definitely tried all of the above, but to no avail.

I took us out on a walk a couple of weeks ago, and explained exactly how I was feeling, and why, and what can be done to change things.

I was straight up, and said that I was rapidly falling out of love with him, and if he doesn't try to change things, then 'we' can't be saved. But I want us to be saved.

I also said that I don't easily give up, and I won't walk away without fighting my hardest first.

There's a number of things that have pushed me almost to the point of no return. For example, I am an incredibly 'happy go lucky' person. I love life and being around different people everyday. I can find the joy and excitement in almost everything.

My partner, on the other hand, absolutely hates people. He hates meeting new people, hates being out in public, and hates having to socialise, unless it's with his family (he loves that). This wouldn't be a problem for me, and I could accept he doesn't want to do anything, but he gets angry, and jealous if I go out without him (I invite him along every single time).

So, if I go out, I have to face the wrath when I return. Sometimes this is in the form of not speaking to me for days, which is an incredibly lonely experience. Or it's in the form of anger, which is awful.

Another big issue we have, is that I can't get him to move out of his parents (we both live here now). I have a perfectly good van we can live in again, but he is too comfortable where he is. Oh, and I've tried to find us places to rent, but he doesn't want to rent.

Now, living with his parents is a major problem for us. We're both 31, and because his family are strict Baptist, we're not even allowed in the same room with the door shut. We haven't slept in the same bed for 3 years. We're not even allowed to hold hands etc. I wouldn't find this so bizarre, if he hadn't had gone and had a child at 19, so he's hardly the Virgin fucking Mary, is he!

So, we have zero intimacy together. My sex drive is through the roof! Always has been. But he won't sleep with me either. I hit on him all the time, but it's always the same thing: "we can't because of my parents".

Anyway, it's mainly the sulking and the constant mood swings which I hate. People have started to notice how he is with me, because he no longer tries to hide it in front of them — which is awkward.

The other day, I said to him in front of my sister and her partner: "where were you? I was calling you for ages. You could have come to the beach with us. We were right near you." To which he replied: "yeah. I know you were calling. I didn't wanna speak to you."

My sister and her boyfriend looked over at me, as if to say, 'what the fuck'. It was so embarrassing. And this is now a common occurrence.

I don't know what to do @Zugzug, I feel at a complete loss.

I know they say opposites attract, but in my experience that's never been the case. Or at least, only being opposite in the aspects that don't really matter (like quirks or personal taste as opposed to things like values). From everything you've described, he doesn't sound like he's your "type" if I'm being honest (sorry, I hate using that word). It sounds like mentally you've already left him, but you don't want to hurt him by making it official. But life is gonna hurt him regardless.

I think you want something else out of life, and why not? I couldn't deal with that passive-aggressive bullshit either! Life's a bitch and then ya die, so party with whoever you wanna party with!

 

[aot]

@Steph1710, has your husband spoken to a mental healthcare professional?

Some of these (lack of social activity, lack of motivation, lack of sexual interest, mood swings) could be indicative of depression.

This is not to excuse his behavior, but could explain it.

That being said, the way he is treating you is utterly selfish, and unacceptable. If he refuses to seek help, or change, breaking up is best for everyone.

 

[Steph1710]

has your husband spoken to a mental healthcare professional?

Thanks buddy. Fortunately he is not my husband. I just say partner instead of boyfriend because we're engaged and been together six years. Also, if I say boyfriend, he gets pissed off.

Some of these (lack of social activity, lack of motivation, lack of sexual interest, mood swings) could be indicative of depression.

He has been on antidepressants for years and years. He has had the easiest life I've ever known. I guess he is just a depressive person. He has tried all sorts of therapy too.

That being said, the way he is treating you is utterly selfish, and unacceptable. If he refuses to seek help, or change, breaking up is best for everyone.

Well right now I am currently sitting in a hot tub, drinking gin with my friend - we're thinking it through and trying to rationalise it. However, I think I know what needs to happen, and it hurts

Thank you so much for speaking to me. I really do need all the support I can get atm.

<3

 

[Zugzug]

I know they say opposites attract, but in my experience that's never been the case. Or at least, only being opposite in the aspects that don't really matter (like quirks or personal taste as opposed to things like values). From everything you've described, he doesn't sound like he's your "type" if I'm being honest (sorry, I hate using that word). It sounds like mentally you've already left him, but you don't want to hurt him by making it official. But life is gonna hurt him regardless.

I think you want something else out of life, and why not? I couldn't deal with that passive-aggressive bullshit either! Life's a bitch and then ya die, so party with whoever you wanna party with!

I agree that the true "opposites attract" thing is a myth. My ex wife and I had a couple of giant chasms of philosophical incompatibility, but our relationship (relatively) seamlessly lasted 9 years because of similarities.

What is true is that with enough similarities and some aspects of challenging each other, there can be healthy bidirectional growth. But it's not straightforward at all. A few too many differences and even happily living together is unfeasible.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

No one on here is irrelevant — I appreciate your take on it.

It was just by using the pronoun 'she', made it sound very personal.

I understand.

 

[nocticolor]

@Steph1710, that honestly doesn't sound like you two are very compatible. Sometimes opposites attract but if you really don't have anything in common then both people in the relationship need to work really hard for it, and it doesn't seem like he's willing to put in the effort :/

Honestly, I crave love and affection but I always feel like I lack the emotional stability to be romantically involved with anyone. At least I don't hurt anyone but myself that way

 

[Zugzug]

Honestly, I crave love and affection but I always feel like I lack the emotional stability to be romantically involved with anyone.

Probably 99% of the single people on this forum.

 

[nocticolor]

Probably 99% of the single people on this forum.

Yeah, although I was that way before the onset of my tinnitus. If anything, that strengthened my wish for a loving, supportive relationship. But at this point I feel like I've missed the boat ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Oh well, at least I can bare my soul to strangers on the internet!

 

[kingsfan]

I am sorry @kingsfan,

It was late when I read your comment last night. I'm very sensitive at the moment, as you can tell.

I just hate when cheating is mentioned. It's such an awful thing to do to someone. I never want to be tarred with the same brush as my 'oh so wonderful' mother.

What your wife has done is inexcusable. But think of it this way: Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has the ability to cheat? I know I wouldn't want to be.

Please accept my apology — I didn't mean to flip like I did.

<3

You have nothing to be sorry about. I was being insensitive, and I'm really sorry about it. I hope it didn't ruin your night or anything =(