- Apr 24, 2018
- 217
- Tinnitus Since
- 11/2017
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Still Under Investigation
I'm having a big spike in anxiety.
This past week seems to have been one instance of bad timing after another in terms of unexpected noise – doors slamming, dogs barking, sirens going by, motorcycles – the usual suspects, I guess, that those of us with tinnitus and sound sensitivities think about and deal with all the time.
Last night was the worst of the lot. Not once but three times I got caught at or near a railroad crossing just as a train was coming through. I always have muffs with me when I go out driving (although last night I somehow managed to walk out of the house without the 32 db pair I bought specifically for the trains and sirens that go through here all the time, and just had the 22 db muffs in the car) and was able to get them on, although the first train was right beside me and blasted once before I managed to do that. After it happened the second time, I just left them on because I knew I had to cross over the tracks again before getting home, and sure enough a third train came through. I was shaking by the time I got home.
Today I had the opportunity to spend some time with family, and although I went over to my nephew's house (he's having a cookout) his neighbor revved up a sanding machine at almost the exact moment I arrived, while someone else started banging with a hammer. The yards are very close, and although I had muffs with me, I left.
I'm just about at the nine-month mark with this, now, and I can feel that oft-spoken of fear of sound starting to take hold. I do not want to fall into this trap, but I'm really rattled right now.
I'm also about four months into a benzo taper --was on 0.5 mg clonazepam for about five months, now down to ¼ pill nightly, and, had I stuck to my original schedule, would be close to wrapping it up but opted to hold at the second cut for an additional three weeks first due to Fourth of July holiday, and then to a stressful family situation that occurred right after that.
The benzo tapering is likely playing into the anxiety – in fact I'm sure it is. The closer I get to the end of it, the more anxious I am about it, although I've been going slow and have so far gotten over the small bumps in the road. I came close to one-time updosing to a half-pill last night just to calm down, but didn't do it -- I don't want to undo all the progress there. I'll be glad when the taper is done, though
I've been working diligently to not overprotect, but the anxiety is getting to me. I would dearly love to spend time with my family today, but I'm just too balled up to do it – the worry about my nephew's dog and the yelling kids – not to mention the neighbors with the power tools! -- just isn't worth it. The sound sensitivity (as well as the "t") is still there, and my ears feel a little more plugged up than usual, although sound isn't muffled. After this week of bad timing I'm jumpy about unexpected noise and find myself reaching for the earmuffs more often than not, even when I probably don't need to. That's a habit I don't want to get into, but I'm second-guessing when-to and when-not-to, now. I pretty much exclusively use the muffs, now – the foam ear plugs just weren't cutting it for me. It seems sometimes that my ears clog up a little bit after removing them – oh, joy! Another reason for anxiety! – but mostly that resolves after a little while. (Is that normal, by the way?)
Here's the bottom line: I know that all of this is part and parcel of what we deal with. I know that there are going to be days/weeks/times like this. I'd venture to guess that everybody on this board has been through this, and maybe still goes through it no matter how far along they are, but right at the moment this feels like a huge emotional setback for me, and the world feels like something to be cautiously navigated through instead of lived in.
I'm not going to lie – my emotions got the better of me last night. I don't write that to elicit sympathy, but it happened, and I know you guys understand why it happens. Just knowing that there are other people out there who "get" this is huge, although it doesn't entirely remove the knot that's in my stomach at the moment.
In the meantime – we push through, right? And ultimately – all I'm doing is venting, here. There's no need for anyone to respond to any of this. Like I said above, knowing that there are people out there who understand it is a big help in itself. Maybe one or two of you are feeling this exact way right now – if so – one day at a time, my friends! Stay positive!
Thanks for reading this, if you got all the way through it! I've only been checking in on the forum once or twice a week lately -- a conscious decision as I taper down on the benzo – but think of all of you that I have connected with here, who have been of so much help and support to me and to others. I hope all is going well for you.
Better days to all of us!
Mystery Reader
This past week seems to have been one instance of bad timing after another in terms of unexpected noise – doors slamming, dogs barking, sirens going by, motorcycles – the usual suspects, I guess, that those of us with tinnitus and sound sensitivities think about and deal with all the time.
Last night was the worst of the lot. Not once but three times I got caught at or near a railroad crossing just as a train was coming through. I always have muffs with me when I go out driving (although last night I somehow managed to walk out of the house without the 32 db pair I bought specifically for the trains and sirens that go through here all the time, and just had the 22 db muffs in the car) and was able to get them on, although the first train was right beside me and blasted once before I managed to do that. After it happened the second time, I just left them on because I knew I had to cross over the tracks again before getting home, and sure enough a third train came through. I was shaking by the time I got home.
Today I had the opportunity to spend some time with family, and although I went over to my nephew's house (he's having a cookout) his neighbor revved up a sanding machine at almost the exact moment I arrived, while someone else started banging with a hammer. The yards are very close, and although I had muffs with me, I left.
I'm just about at the nine-month mark with this, now, and I can feel that oft-spoken of fear of sound starting to take hold. I do not want to fall into this trap, but I'm really rattled right now.
I'm also about four months into a benzo taper --was on 0.5 mg clonazepam for about five months, now down to ¼ pill nightly, and, had I stuck to my original schedule, would be close to wrapping it up but opted to hold at the second cut for an additional three weeks first due to Fourth of July holiday, and then to a stressful family situation that occurred right after that.
The benzo tapering is likely playing into the anxiety – in fact I'm sure it is. The closer I get to the end of it, the more anxious I am about it, although I've been going slow and have so far gotten over the small bumps in the road. I came close to one-time updosing to a half-pill last night just to calm down, but didn't do it -- I don't want to undo all the progress there. I'll be glad when the taper is done, though
I've been working diligently to not overprotect, but the anxiety is getting to me. I would dearly love to spend time with my family today, but I'm just too balled up to do it – the worry about my nephew's dog and the yelling kids – not to mention the neighbors with the power tools! -- just isn't worth it. The sound sensitivity (as well as the "t") is still there, and my ears feel a little more plugged up than usual, although sound isn't muffled. After this week of bad timing I'm jumpy about unexpected noise and find myself reaching for the earmuffs more often than not, even when I probably don't need to. That's a habit I don't want to get into, but I'm second-guessing when-to and when-not-to, now. I pretty much exclusively use the muffs, now – the foam ear plugs just weren't cutting it for me. It seems sometimes that my ears clog up a little bit after removing them – oh, joy! Another reason for anxiety! – but mostly that resolves after a little while. (Is that normal, by the way?)
Here's the bottom line: I know that all of this is part and parcel of what we deal with. I know that there are going to be days/weeks/times like this. I'd venture to guess that everybody on this board has been through this, and maybe still goes through it no matter how far along they are, but right at the moment this feels like a huge emotional setback for me, and the world feels like something to be cautiously navigated through instead of lived in.
I'm not going to lie – my emotions got the better of me last night. I don't write that to elicit sympathy, but it happened, and I know you guys understand why it happens. Just knowing that there are other people out there who "get" this is huge, although it doesn't entirely remove the knot that's in my stomach at the moment.
In the meantime – we push through, right? And ultimately – all I'm doing is venting, here. There's no need for anyone to respond to any of this. Like I said above, knowing that there are people out there who understand it is a big help in itself. Maybe one or two of you are feeling this exact way right now – if so – one day at a time, my friends! Stay positive!
Thanks for reading this, if you got all the way through it! I've only been checking in on the forum once or twice a week lately -- a conscious decision as I taper down on the benzo – but think of all of you that I have connected with here, who have been of so much help and support to me and to others. I hope all is going well for you.
Better days to all of us!
Mystery Reader
Member
