Rambling a Bit

[Ilija]

So I've been trying to be positive about this bullshit of a condition, and mostly I think I have been doing a good job at it, well the best job I can do after only 2 months.
But I still have bad days and this is one of them, so I'm about to rant a bit.
First of all while life can be great and wonderful it can also absolutely suck, I remind myself that I should feel lucky that my Tinnitus isn't loud, really? so I'm lucky I got Tinnitus from 2 gigs? and then I'm really lucky to get sound sensitivity too? gee I feel like the luckiest man on the earth right now.
Then I think I believe in God, he probably had his reasons for doing this to me, he'll probably help me and give me strength to get over this and perhaps even have it go away completely, but you know what? I would like if God didn't feel inclined to fuck with peoples lives because he sees something we don't.
For instance, due to me having Tinnitus I won't go to the next Ozzy Osbourne concert where there will be a spontaneous terrorist attack where I would otherwise die.
Well you know what? there's 5 ways he could do that without me losing my sanity, joy in life,feeling of safety inside my own fucking house and everything else I really held dear.
Maybe just make it so I don't have the money to go?
Whatever his reason is, unless my current Tinnitus goes away and I stay warned and protect my ears and never have it again I don't care what his reason is.
If having Tinnitus will in some way in the future prevent me losing a leg, I'd rather lose it right now get rid of the Tinnitus and be done with it, I'll get over a fucking leg I don't run, I don't care for physical activity and in the end losing a leg won't drive me insane, you know what'll drive me insane? thinking everyday about how good the day is going and how good it would be if I could return home from that great day and relax in peace and quiet BUT NOPE YOU GET EAR RINGING FROM EVERY FUCKING APPLIANCE IN THE FUCKING HOUSE.
For instance today, I got a C on a test I didn't study for and then I played a really good game of basketball to lose some time, and I thought this would have been a great day before Tinnitus.
I think how I would have gotten back home, slept, then played some Evil Within in sweet silence and comfort but no I can't do that because:
1. My left ear is spiking again
2. My ears hurt every time I do some physical activity
3. My ears are going to ring the second I turn on my PC
4. I'll just get stressed again
5. I have a headache because yesterday and today have been bad fucking Tinnitus days.
I don't care for school much any more, to be honest if someone were to shoot me I'd be bummed out about it but honestly getting killed right now doesn't seem like a bad thing to happen.
Then I start thinking, ok the sound sensitivity will probably go, everyone gets it in the beginning, it'll probably go in 1-3 months.
Then I think ok when the sound sensitivity goes, even if my air Tinnitus stays I can live with it no problem.
But then here's the thing, there's a chance my Tinnitus will increase because fuck you! now I realise for most this doesn't happen and I've only seen 5 people on this forum who have that but it's still a chance.
And when you realise that lets say 200 000 000 have Tinnitus, out of 7 000 000 000 people I get to be in the group with fucking Tinnitus AFTER 2 FUCKING GIGS, 2, NOT 30 NOT 20 NOT EVEN 10, fucking 2.
Then I think why couldn't it just have been 1-3 weeks? I would have it, get scared, and protect my ears and never have it again, seems fair right? GUESS WHAT LIFE ISN'T FUCKING FAIR.
No the one time in the last 7 fucking years I was happy I get to enjoy it 2 months before Tinnitus comes creeping about making it far worse than it has ever been.
In the end I was so desperate for friendship because I'm a lonely video game nerd I finally get it and from it I get Tinnitus because I went to some shit gig in another fucking city to support my friend because I can't let my friends down, so then the vocalist for the fucking band doesn't show so the bloody bassist has to sing pardon, "sing" otherwise known as scream into the microphone like you're getting your guts raped with a knife.
So there, not 1 day Tinnitus not 1 week not 1 month, I'll consider myself the luckiest man on the planet if I get it for 1 year only, FINGERS FUCKING CROSSED.
Then I come back to God in all his infinite neediness and bullshit.
Who the hell with infinite power and wisdom ACTS LIKE THAT.
First he builds the world why? to be fucking worshipped for it, he didn't build it for us, the air is toxic, we slowly die and until we die life tries to kill us at every turn, could have just made it heaven, have us living there praying and enjoying ourselves forever.
But nah I'd rather chop off that dude's legs and then if he prays and accepts it as my grand plan I'll let him into heaven.
I believe in God, I believe he has helped me more than once, on hard tests, on intense situations, on being lucky enough to be born perfectly healthy but then again, when he gives me a bad time, he makes it A BAD FUCKING TIME.
I have said a lot of times that I would trade Tinnitus for cancer any day and I would I really would at times, because you see before this I had only a few emotions.
Happy, Neutral, Angry over a bad League of Legends match, Sad because of being alone.
Now I have in perfect order of the day Happy,Angry,Depressed,Sad,Breezy,Happy,Angry,Depressed,Angry,Happy,Sad,Happy,Want to kill myself,Neutral-sleep.
I go through so much emotion in one day it's not natural.
No one should be happy at 12:00 pm and want to kill themselves at 12:20 pm.
And finally, WHAT THE FUCK BRAIN ARE YOU THAT FUCKING STUPID?!
I mean really what the actual fuck our brains are retarded.
Instead of moving the fuck on it sends signals after signals, taking in everything, the brain with all its infinite power and mysteriousness and it can't distinguish between real sounds and not fucking real sounds I MEAN COMMON REALLY? FUCKING REALLY?
To sum it all up the probability of my Tinnitus and sound sensitivity sorting itself out within the coming few months is extremely high and will most likely happen, but seeing as how I am how I am I'm just going to focus on the bad side of everything until it bores me.
In all likely-hood my Tinnitus probably is temporary even if it's not the sounds sensitivity is and I'll either end up with no Tinnitus or extremely mild Tinnitus that probably won't get worse just because I read a few stories on the internet (also know as the most negative place for everything ever) no offence to the forum.
There rant over life sucks, god sucks sometimes, this sound sensitivity shit had better go away thank you for reading if you did, have a good day

 

[RicoS]

My....god...... I cried from laughing when I read your post.... ....because ... you describe what everybody is feeling in a funny way. How can you be happy at 12:00 and feel like killing yourself on 12:20 ...
I know how you feel because I had it bad also..... playing Call of Duty and having fun and a view seconds later feeling totally miserable and cannot play anymore (Don't know if it was my T or COD just sucked ). But believe me it will get better. I had/have my ups and downs also and they become more less and less.
I do not think this is the most negative place in the world because we try to support each other, but it is not a place to hang around 24/7 if you have to let go of your T. But if you need support hear is where to find it.
The next time you feel like today..... just add another post like this .... I think a lot of people can relate to it and you type it in a funny way so it's am easy read ;-)
Thanks for your post..

 

[bwspot]

Sorry man, but that what it is. T is an animal. It is real test. Why us? I don't know. Blaming God probably wont help, but I get your point. The human body is so advanced, but at times so primitive. Why? Seems to me it is how it was designed. Yep, life sucks and accepting this shit is hard.

 

[Ilija]

My....god...... I cried from laughing when I read your post.... ....because ... you describe what everybody is feeling in a funny way. How can you be happy at 12:00 and feel like killing yourself on 12:20 ...
I know how you feel because I had it bad also..... playing Call of Duty and having fun and a view seconds later feeling totally miserable and cannot play anymore (Don't know if it was my T or COD just sucked ). But believe me it will get better. I had/have my ups and downs also and they become more less and less.
I do not think this is the most negative place in the world because we try to support each other, but it is not a place to hang around 24/7 if you have to let go of your T. But if you need support hear is where to find it.
The next time you feel like today..... just add another post like this .... I think a lot of people can relate to it and you type it in a funny way so it's am easy read ;-)
Thanks for your post..

Hahahah, I'm glad I did, I always try and put a bit of humour in whatever I'm doing people call it childish but I like it.
Yeah just had a few hours of sleep and it's much lower and I'm feeling better.
I usually lose my shit when I'm tired.
I'm 80% ok now.

 

[Ilija]

My....god...... I cried from laughing when I read your post.... ....because ... you describe what everybody is feeling in a funny way. How can you be happy at 12:00 and feel like killing yourself on 12:20 ...
I know how you feel because I had it bad also..... playing Call of Duty and having fun and a view seconds later feeling totally miserable and cannot play anymore (Don't know if it was my T or COD just sucked ). But believe me it will get better. I had/have my ups and downs also and they become more less and less.
I do not think this is the most negative place in the world because we try to support each other, but it is not a place to hang around 24/7 if you have to let go of your T. But if you need support hear is where to find it.
The next time you feel like today..... just add another post like this .... I think a lot of people can relate to it and you type it in a funny way so it's am easy read ;-)
Thanks for your post..

Also I didn't mean it like that.
This place...I'm not sure I would even be here today if it weren't for this forum, what I mean was I try to forget about my Tinnitus and then I come on over here, and see how some dudes T increased and how another one is in pain and I think that might be me, completely forgetting that for a vast amount of people with Tinnitus they just have it, it doesn't change, they habituate to it and go on with their lives perfectly happy.
But you see when I get into negative mode happy ending ain't a real word.
It's always been a problem for me but I'm getting over it slowly.

 

[Ilija]

Sorry man, but that what it is. T is an animal. It is real test. Why us? I don't know. Blaming God probably wont help, but I get your point. The human body is so advanced, but at times so primitive. Why? Seems to me it is how it was designed. Yep, life sucks and accepting this shit is hard.

Well all in all 10-15 years from now we'll have treatments for different Tinnitus causes, mine also probably won't get worse it's just me being a Negative Nancy again.

 

[Jeff M.]

WOW man, I've been on here a couple of years and that post wins "Best Rant"! !!! Don't get me wrong, I completely sympathize with what you are going through!! I went through it and IT TOTALLY SUCKS!! And I think if most of us here on TT removed our filters, we also would probably blow up like that when we were in the dark early days of T!! It's good to vent and blow of some steam to people who actually know what you are going through!! I know you don't want to hear it (because I didn't), but it does get better.

Stoked to hear you are doing better now, 80% is great!! Enjoy and do your best to get your sleep on!!

 

[Ilija]

WOW man, I've been on here a couple of years and that post wins "Best Rant"! !!! Don't get me wrong, I completely sympathize with what you are going through!! I went through it and IT TOTALLY SUCKS!! And I think if most of us here on TT removed our filters, we also would probably blow up like that when we were in the dark early days of T!! It's good to vent and blow of some steam to people who actually know what you are going through!! I know you don't want to hear it (because I didn't), but it does get better.

Stoked to hear you are doing better now, 80% is great!! Enjoy and do your best to get your sleep on!!

Hahahaha "Best Rant" I like it.
Yeah I guess it's a little to early for me to get habituated I've only had it for 2 and a half months now (pun faintly intended) anyway I know it'll get better.
It's better from 2 months ago and 2 months in the future will be better than now, maybe it'll be gone 2 months from now who knows?