- Apr 30, 2014
- 533
- Tinnitus Since
- 04/2014 (many increases since then)
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Progressive hearing loss / noise / ETD
Here we go again. For the fifth time in the almost five years I've had tinnitus. Another permanent increase.
I'm not going to explain the how or why but just now it was from someone being irresponsible around me and making loud noise when I was not expecting it.
...
I am soooooooo tired of this. So tired of tinnitus, and life, and life with tinnitus. I'm tired of being told I'm too disabled to have a regular job and life and then being subsequently told that I'm not disabled enough for assistance. I'm tired of living half a life because doing anything for an hour outside of my house is exhausting. Noise is exhausting.
The worse part of it is, I still remember what it was like to be semi-normal! I still remember how it felt to just go and do things without worrying about this. I remember what it was like to sing in choir and be happy and have that euphoric high of finishing a well done concert. I remember how it felt to listen to my favorite songs on repeat and sing in the car. I remember what it was like to go to amusement parks and ride on rollercoasters. I remember what it was like to go to shows and musicals. I remember how it felt to go to sleep at night to a dark, silent room. I still remember everything about being normal!
I'm still a success story because I'M STILL HERE AREN'T I? I haven't taken my own life even though I very much wish I could over half the time. I'm here because I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid of the what if that comes afterwards. I'm afraid of not being conscious anymore.
But I'M SO ANGRY! I'm so fed up! I'm so tired of crying and being disabled. I'm sick and tired of everyone who doesn't have tinnitus not giving a single ****!! If I died tomorrow, people would be sad for maybe a week but then they'd go on with their lives and be happy again because they have a life and a family and a future ahead of them. I have nothing but a mother who doesn't know how to love in a healthy manner, and this forum.
God, I miss Danny. I miss him so so so much. He didn't deserve to go. But with him gone it's hard to find reasons to stay. It's hard to cry and continue on doing my part to benefit tinnitus sufferers. It's so hard to do all these things while miserable. I have to keep fighting and doing my part because without the hope that it will make a difference I have absolutely nothing. I need to believe something is on the way soon or I'll fall and I won't ever get up again. I'm crying and shaking as I type this and I can barely see the words on the screen.
(If you made it this far, thanks for listening to me rant. I'm so thankful that I have you guys here for me.)
I'm not going to explain the how or why but just now it was from someone being irresponsible around me and making loud noise when I was not expecting it.
...
I am soooooooo tired of this. So tired of tinnitus, and life, and life with tinnitus. I'm tired of being told I'm too disabled to have a regular job and life and then being subsequently told that I'm not disabled enough for assistance. I'm tired of living half a life because doing anything for an hour outside of my house is exhausting. Noise is exhausting.
The worse part of it is, I still remember what it was like to be semi-normal! I still remember how it felt to just go and do things without worrying about this. I remember what it was like to sing in choir and be happy and have that euphoric high of finishing a well done concert. I remember how it felt to listen to my favorite songs on repeat and sing in the car. I remember what it was like to go to amusement parks and ride on rollercoasters. I remember what it was like to go to shows and musicals. I remember how it felt to go to sleep at night to a dark, silent room. I still remember everything about being normal!
I'm still a success story because I'M STILL HERE AREN'T I? I haven't taken my own life even though I very much wish I could over half the time. I'm here because I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid of the what if that comes afterwards. I'm afraid of not being conscious anymore.
But I'M SO ANGRY! I'm so fed up! I'm so tired of crying and being disabled. I'm sick and tired of everyone who doesn't have tinnitus not giving a single ****!! If I died tomorrow, people would be sad for maybe a week but then they'd go on with their lives and be happy again because they have a life and a family and a future ahead of them. I have nothing but a mother who doesn't know how to love in a healthy manner, and this forum.
God, I miss Danny. I miss him so so so much. He didn't deserve to go. But with him gone it's hard to find reasons to stay. It's hard to cry and continue on doing my part to benefit tinnitus sufferers. It's so hard to do all these things while miserable. I have to keep fighting and doing my part because without the hope that it will make a difference I have absolutely nothing. I need to believe something is on the way soon or I'll fall and I won't ever get up again. I'm crying and shaking as I type this and I can barely see the words on the screen.
(If you made it this far, thanks for listening to me rant. I'm so thankful that I have you guys here for me.)