Ranting Again...

[derpytia]

I did it again guys. All I did was go to a friend's house for Thanksgiving. I came back with increased T again. Again right after I rehabituated. I'm so done with this! It doesn't get better and I can't go live my life. I want to die I want to die I WANT TO DIE. I can't do this again. I've only had it for about 1 1/2 years now and it just gets worse and worse and worse. I don't want to do this again. I can't do this again. Not another 6 months of torture waiting to rehabituate. I can't. I want out. Instead of praying to God for healing, I'm praying that he just takes me out of this world. Or let the revelation or something begin I don't care. I just want out.

 

[glynis]

Please dont do nothing silly and go to AnE if suicidal .
You have got a spike and will settle down so be calm and relax as stress will add to your tinnitus.
Life is worth living and it will get easier .
We are all here for you and people on here round the clock who understand how distressing tinnitus can be.
Keep posting for support and pm me anytime..lots of love glynis

 

[derpytia]

@glynis It's not a spike. I know the difference between spikes and permanence by now. This is most certainly not a spike or a flare up. This is a new tone and a new level of loudness all together. If it were a spike, a good night's sleep would have brought it down a bit. It did not and it's been two days.

 

[glynis]

Spikes can last a few days to a week or two.
You might have a wax build up or a virus starting so be patient.
You need your doctor on board and counselling if having dark thoughts .
Ring the BTA advice line and happy talk to you too if in the UK but you need medical professionals as your a risk to yourself if want to die.
By all means rant away and we will support you all the way but get medical help asap...lots of love glynis

 

[Cheza]

@glynis It's not a spike. I know the difference between spikes and permanence by now. This is most certainly not a spike or a flare up. This is a new tone and a new level of loudness all together. If it were a spike, a good night's sleep would have brought it down a bit. It did not and it's been two days.

I've had spikes that lasted anywhere from 3 days to 10 days or more. Two days is not long enough, even with your history of one-day spikes, to be certain you've hit a new level.

As a musician, you're very attuned to even the most subtle differences in tone and volume. It may go against your natural abilities, but please try to redirect your focus to something that isn't related to sound. One thing is for certain, tinnitus is like the plant in The Little Shop of Horrors. The more you feed it with attention and negative thoughts, the stronger it grows.

I remind myself on really bad days of the woman with tinnitus like a siren in her head. When her building actually had a fire and the alarm sounded, people had to go in and get her because she didn't come out. She explained it by saying that she had learned over time to ignore the sound of sirens.

You don't want to die. You want to live, but the tinnitus is interfering seriously with you being able to live the way you want. Give it a couple more days, and tell yourself that your brain can ignore the sound. Don't call it "noise." That's a negative word. Your brain can ignore the sound.

 

[Michael Leigh]

derpytia. Something usually causes the tinnitus to increase after a person has habituated to their tinnitus. Were you in a noisy environment or around loud music?
Michael

 

[Cheza]

Ring the BTA advice line and happy talk to you too if in the UK

derpytia is in California

 

[glynis]

Tinnitus has so many sounds and strengths and quite common for tinnitus ramp up in volume and change sound but to have a permanent spike you need cause more damadge to your ears .
Hope all these posts are reaching out to you and reassure you that you need give it more time....lots of love glynis

 

[glynis]

Thanks @Cheza

 

[Michael Leigh]

The BTA also have an overseas telephone number. And there is an American Tinnitus Association too.

 

[derpytia]

Like I said, it isn't just a spike. It's a new sound and all my new sounds stay. When I get spikes, my current sounds just get louder for a day. Everytime it's permanent, this happens. I was at a friend's house with his family for thanksgiving and i was talking to people all day. I guess I talked too much or they did because it must have done some more damage. It must have.

 

[Sailboardman]

@derpytia,

I'm in the same boat as you after 19 months, with exception of habituation. I've never been close. Way to much noise in my head for that. I have to mask all day long or I won't survive. There's not much I can say to comfort you, only that I feel your desperation and pain. Survival seems pointless at times, but slipping into eternal darkness forever, is a very big step. I have saved myself from jumping into that abyss, many times. Try to picture calmer days ahead and stay as strong as you can, until then. I know it's tough!

 

[derpytia]

Why? Why does this have to happen to me? This is so cruel. I have mega T and I'm so young. I still had things I want to do but now I just want to die. I need a cure or I'll die, I know I will. I've gone through this three times now. I need a cure because I can't hold on anymore. I've tried and succeeded only to have my success taken away again and again.

 

[SoulStation]

Why? Why does this have to happen to me? This is so cruel. I have mega T and I'm so young. I still had things I want to do but now I just want to die. I need a cure or I'll die, I know I will. I've gone through this three times now. I need a cure because I can't hold on anymore. I've tried and succeeded only to have my success taken away again and again.

Derp. You Need to try some benzos or antidepressants. They truly do help . I have been going through the same things with increases and not knowing why. PLEASE HANG ON. WE are here for you. I know how you feel. I recently went back on my Ad and it is helping a little bit. Along with a light dose of ativan.

 

[Michael Leigh]

derpytia, I agree with Soulstation about the benzos. There are limits to what positivity and habituation can do at times. A few years ago I hit rock bottom with my tinnitus and clonazepam helped me. I only take it once in a while now.
Have a word with your Doctor, wishing you all the best.
Michael

 

[Bart]

It is extremely unlikely that normal conversations do any damage to your ears, my t sometimes spikes as well when I am in places with more than a couple of people all talking , sometimes with new sounds or a higher pitch, but it always settles back down again after a couple of days , I really hope it will in your case as well.

Maybe you can take something to calm you down for a couple of days, as your brain is now in overdrive constantly monitoring your t, this if often done subconsciously.

I hope you feel better soon, stay strong, you can do this.

 

[glynis]

Derpytia,
Hope you are feeling better today and got some sleep.
A slim chance it was all the talking and a jaw joint inflammation that caused the spike and will settle.
Please see your doctor for help and some medication to help with how you are feeling and some counselling to support you.
We are here for you and apart of our family on here and we do care.
Tinnitus can be mental torture at times but there is help Sending lots of love and hugs...glynis

 

[hoper]

scientists should find a real treatment soon. before i get angry.

 

[Lorac]

@derpytia ,
Please seek out a therapist for help with your depression. I hate that you are suffering so much. Hang in there and just keep ranting if you need to.

 

[Karen]

@derpytia

Yes, all of us here understand, and are here for you; you're welcome to rant any time!

I remember so well the first year my tinnitus was bad, and I went to a family Thanksgiving dinner. My tinnitus was so loud I couldn't hear the conversation very well, and my tinnitus spiked for a few days after that. But now, five years later, what a difference! This time around, I had a nice Thanksgiving, and my tinnitus did not get any louder.

I'm hoping the same for you. Please update us on how you're doing today. We care!!

Hugs,
Karen

 

[Gosia]

If I'm not mistaken thanksgiving was on Thursday, so why don't you pop a load of NAC, magnesium and vits if you're sure it's a new hearing damage ?

 

[Tweaker]

derpytia, how are you doing? I know how you feel. Over 5 years of this T thing and it wears me downto exhaustion and despair. Mine is so bad these days it's ridiculous. Just hang in there. You'll get through it. Three days with barely any sleep and screaming T for me right now. Wonder sometimes how I can keep working and keep doing life, too. Cant give up though. You never know what a new day may bring. Keep hoping.

 

[derpytia]

I'm here and my T has not gone down. Like I said, it's permanent. I have to take another 6 months of rehabituating again.

 

[Telis]

6 months isn't too bad, a lot of people never get there.

 

[glynis]

derpytia,
So glad you posted as we were all so worried about you.
We are all here for you to support you,listen to you and a shoulder to rant on as we are for eachother and a leg up when down.

My ears blast 24/7 and never let up,my hearing aids help a bit but my bubbly self keeps me going and won't give in.

This forum is lovely and know we all can be here for each other and support each other as people will tinnitus totally understand what life is like with tinnitus,positive and negative posts and everyone as important.
Lots of love glynis

 

[derpytia]

I'm just stuk back here again and it's only been 1.5 years. My T has permanently increased so many times in such a short period... I hate to think how bad it will be in another year...

I'm stuck with anxiety and I can't get into my psych until tomorrow and I can't eat. I can never seem to eat at all when I get back to this point. I should have never celebrated Thanksgiving. I should have canceled going to my friend's house and just stayed in my apartment...

 

[Telis]

I'm just stuk back here again and it's only been 1.5 years. My T has permanently increased so many times in such a short period... I hate to think how bad it will be in another year...

I'm stuck with anxiety and I can't get into my psych until tomorrow and I can't eat. I can never seem to eat at all when I get back to this point. I should have never celebrated Thanksgiving. I should have canceled going to my friend's house and just stayed in my apartment...

Maybe it wasn't noise? Are you taking any meds?

 

[derpytia]

It was definitely the noise. I'm not taking any new meds.

 

[MCB]

Sorry you're having a rough time. I've been there thinking that the constant noise would never end but then out of the blue I have a better day. That's all it takes is one better day for me to feel better. I hope the same happens for you!

 

[derpytia]

So I did a little self test to see how much hearing loss I have. I'm in the moderate to severe range according to that test and I can 'hear' my hearing loss in the high pitched things of everyday noise. It's not that high pitched noises are quieter for me. They're gone entirely.