Dear TT people,
So, after periods of apathy, anger and then anxiety attacks, I have now come to the stage of self-pity (which I hate) and daily crying sessions. Somewhere I'm thinking that telling my T-story to fellow (ex-)sufferers might help, moreso than telling it the GP/ENT/future psychologist. So, here we go.
I have had T since I was 16, very mildly admittedly, but scary enough to make me avoid clubs/going out mostly. Still, I kept on drumming, and as time (and my drumming skills) progressed, with each band-gig, T would grow louder. In early June, one night I noticed it to be particularly loud (not noticeable during the day), which made me decide to quit the drums after I had finished up my C-diploma in drums, and 2 huge (for our band) gigs, in August; Just to be safe. A gig in our hometown, for ~1000 people, would have been a good end.
But, that wouldn't do it: 1 week before my examination, 4 weeks before gig#1, my T was audible over the TV, after praccing hard for my exam. I freaked out. I quit drumming two days later. My band, who are also my family, were sad at first, but angry a week later; According to my aunt, who was very dear to me, 'I had left my family in the dirt, and my Tinnitus was 'made up' basically'*. My teacher dissapointed, but understanding. Me, depressed, angry at my family for not trying to understand me at all, angry at myself for not quitting earlier, when T was still manageable. So manageable, that before late-June I had considered myself one of the happiest, most optimistic and thankfull people in my environment. Everything I did was a succes; Valedictorian at high school, great grades in university (medicine), some nice side projects (ear research, extra science courses, the band), won a bunch of competitions; I was out there crafting my future just the way I wanted it to be; drumming in a band, becoming a doctor (which I wanted since I was 8) and doing scientific research (which I wanted since 15 yo).
3 months later, I'm struggling to keep up with learning material, and was/rarely am considering suicide. I can barely do anything besides university itself, which looks horrible on the CV, something the medical world is very concerned with. I have, on many days, lost the enjoyment in the small things; Whisky on the couch, or preparing a talk just right, on a Sunday evening. I am obsessed with thinking about Tinnitus, even when I can't hear it (which thankfully, is the case outside and @university), I end up closing my ears to be aware of what I'm ignoring. I dread the fact that what I probably have, cochlear synaptopathy, can't be treated, even though we know the effect of NT3 on SGN regeneration (reason for me to quit my otology research, keeps triggering me into this though). I dread the fact that, when NT3, or a drug analogue, comes by and regenerates SGN-synapses, mine might have died of already. All because I couldn't develop T in 10/20 years, like most drummers do (without hearing protection), and I couldn't stop myself drumming earlier, when I wasn't bothered by T at all.
I have had to quit my passion in drumming, I have gained a horrible, disabling disease and lots of psychologic drama because of it, and everyone in my surroundings is doing great, had the funnest of holidays, got a cool internship in some ward of the hospital and goes out weekly without wearing ear-protection: Still they can't stop complaining about the fact that they're 'stressed', don't want to study or something trivial like that. They're all perfectly fine, healthy and succesfull people, and all they can do is complain about the little things. Even though they know I'm fucked up atm, I still feel very lonely because of this. I lost it all in about one month.
I'll be 19 in 3 days, and I don't know whether I'll be able to enjoy my birthday. Will my T be loud enough that day to drown out any conversational enjoyment? Will I allow my self to become 20 years old? Will I be happy again by then? Will I be able to take care of patients, if I'm this f'd up myself? What if X, Y or Z went differently? What if I had played piano, instead of drums?
TT people, thanks for reading, and thanks for all the succes stories. There probably is hope on the horizon, and I'll probably be a fine doctor someday, but now, it all seems miles away. And that's my fault. I still have lots of things to be thankfull for, happy about***, but often, non of the these bring me enjoyment.
-BrekkenTJ (my drumming nickname my family reffered me by)
*She was right, T is indeed a brain disease
** All despite me always wearing 70 dB of hearing protection; Foam earbuds + industrial earmuffs. My teacher even asked me whether I could even hear the drums, he thought me overprotective. At the same time he had never heard of a student developing severe T @18 yo because of drumming. Great.
*** My current grades for 'competencies' en medical knowledge are still far above average
P.S. My family situation has improved, my ex-band members (cousins/niece) understand me now, and well, my aunt/uncle; not forgiven, but forgotten, I suppose (from their side, I haven't forgotten, sort of have forgiven)
So, after periods of apathy, anger and then anxiety attacks, I have now come to the stage of self-pity (which I hate) and daily crying sessions. Somewhere I'm thinking that telling my T-story to fellow (ex-)sufferers might help, moreso than telling it the GP/ENT/future psychologist. So, here we go.
I have had T since I was 16, very mildly admittedly, but scary enough to make me avoid clubs/going out mostly. Still, I kept on drumming, and as time (and my drumming skills) progressed, with each band-gig, T would grow louder. In early June, one night I noticed it to be particularly loud (not noticeable during the day), which made me decide to quit the drums after I had finished up my C-diploma in drums, and 2 huge (for our band) gigs, in August; Just to be safe. A gig in our hometown, for ~1000 people, would have been a good end.
But, that wouldn't do it: 1 week before my examination, 4 weeks before gig#1, my T was audible over the TV, after praccing hard for my exam. I freaked out. I quit drumming two days later. My band, who are also my family, were sad at first, but angry a week later; According to my aunt, who was very dear to me, 'I had left my family in the dirt, and my Tinnitus was 'made up' basically'*. My teacher dissapointed, but understanding. Me, depressed, angry at my family for not trying to understand me at all, angry at myself for not quitting earlier, when T was still manageable. So manageable, that before late-June I had considered myself one of the happiest, most optimistic and thankfull people in my environment. Everything I did was a succes; Valedictorian at high school, great grades in university (medicine), some nice side projects (ear research, extra science courses, the band), won a bunch of competitions; I was out there crafting my future just the way I wanted it to be; drumming in a band, becoming a doctor (which I wanted since I was 8) and doing scientific research (which I wanted since 15 yo).
3 months later, I'm struggling to keep up with learning material, and was/rarely am considering suicide. I can barely do anything besides university itself, which looks horrible on the CV, something the medical world is very concerned with. I have, on many days, lost the enjoyment in the small things; Whisky on the couch, or preparing a talk just right, on a Sunday evening. I am obsessed with thinking about Tinnitus, even when I can't hear it (which thankfully, is the case outside and @university), I end up closing my ears to be aware of what I'm ignoring. I dread the fact that what I probably have, cochlear synaptopathy, can't be treated, even though we know the effect of NT3 on SGN regeneration (reason for me to quit my otology research, keeps triggering me into this though). I dread the fact that, when NT3, or a drug analogue, comes by and regenerates SGN-synapses, mine might have died of already. All because I couldn't develop T in 10/20 years, like most drummers do (without hearing protection), and I couldn't stop myself drumming earlier, when I wasn't bothered by T at all.
I have had to quit my passion in drumming, I have gained a horrible, disabling disease and lots of psychologic drama because of it, and everyone in my surroundings is doing great, had the funnest of holidays, got a cool internship in some ward of the hospital and goes out weekly without wearing ear-protection: Still they can't stop complaining about the fact that they're 'stressed', don't want to study or something trivial like that. They're all perfectly fine, healthy and succesfull people, and all they can do is complain about the little things. Even though they know I'm fucked up atm, I still feel very lonely because of this. I lost it all in about one month.
I'll be 19 in 3 days, and I don't know whether I'll be able to enjoy my birthday. Will my T be loud enough that day to drown out any conversational enjoyment? Will I allow my self to become 20 years old? Will I be happy again by then? Will I be able to take care of patients, if I'm this f'd up myself? What if X, Y or Z went differently? What if I had played piano, instead of drums?
TT people, thanks for reading, and thanks for all the succes stories. There probably is hope on the horizon, and I'll probably be a fine doctor someday, but now, it all seems miles away. And that's my fault. I still have lots of things to be thankfull for, happy about***, but often, non of the these bring me enjoyment.
-BrekkenTJ (my drumming nickname my family reffered me by)
*She was right, T is indeed a brain disease
** All despite me always wearing 70 dB of hearing protection; Foam earbuds + industrial earmuffs. My teacher even asked me whether I could even hear the drums, he thought me overprotective. At the same time he had never heard of a student developing severe T @18 yo because of drumming. Great.
*** My current grades for 'competencies' en medical knowledge are still far above average
P.S. My family situation has improved, my ex-band members (cousins/niece) understand me now, and well, my aunt/uncle; not forgiven, but forgotten, I suppose (from their side, I haven't forgotten, sort of have forgiven)
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