Just shy of five months ago I had a major panic attack which saw me checking into the ER and released in an hour with a huge dose of Ativan and instructions for a few more months of the stuff. Panic attacks are highly unusual for me, and I can't even tie it to something like a tinnitus spike (it came purely out of nowhere).
Since then, however, I have noticed that my general awareness of my tinnitus (and its loudness) has increased significantly, and from late June till the middle of last month I was on an almost constant dose of benzos, with Ativan at the ER and Lorazepam on a slow taper. Even at the height of my dosing however (and especially now) I've noticed that I can barely sit still, especially when I can hear my tinnitus, and that I will unconsciously make quiet sounds (like grunts or groans, soft whimpers) in order to try to cope with or cover the sound I hear in my head. I pace all around my apartment if I am not busy, play with my hair or beard, and if the option to move around to distract myself does not exist (such as eating out, in class, etc) then I'm on my phone to try to get away from the sound.
My girlfriend, who I knew long before I had tinnitus but only started dating a year ago, has noticed this change in me and is extremely frustrated. She says she constantly sees me pacing and gets so upset by it that she wants to punch me. I even pace in the line at store because I am not at peace.... my anxiety is constantly through the roof. The only places I even come close to relaxing anymore is my apartment, where there is usually some sort of masking like ACRN on a moderate volume, otherwise I am constantly fidgeting like a child in order to cope! I never had this problem before. I would sit still for hours at a time if need be.
Not helping matters is an ear infection that somehow started from walking in the rain for a half hour (WTF) on the 19th of last month and although it seems to have resolved, has left me with a considerable amount of fluid behind the ear drums, slight sound distortion and another boost in loudness of the tinnitus, on top of the constant discomfort due to the clogged sensation in my ears (it makes even talking uncomfortable, and anything that stretches or opens the Eustachian tube is almost painful).
I feel like I am in dire need of real support- not strictly because of the tinnitus but because my behavior has changed so radically in the last few months alone. If I didn't recognize myself after I got tinnitus I can't even recognize my self with tinnitus from six months ago. I act like a kid with ADHD and some sort of behavior issue at the same time, but even the medical help in my life (a pair of psychiatrists as parents) tell me I'm fine and I just need to "not pace". Doctors are no good. I've tried explaining that although the tinnitus is bothersome it is not the only problem, the constant anxiety and fidgeting is also part of it.
No one is helping me and I'm certain I'm on the verge of losing my relationship. I just want to sit back and cuddle my girl without practically walking around the house while doing so. I did it before but now it's extremely hard.
Thank you for any advice.
Since then, however, I have noticed that my general awareness of my tinnitus (and its loudness) has increased significantly, and from late June till the middle of last month I was on an almost constant dose of benzos, with Ativan at the ER and Lorazepam on a slow taper. Even at the height of my dosing however (and especially now) I've noticed that I can barely sit still, especially when I can hear my tinnitus, and that I will unconsciously make quiet sounds (like grunts or groans, soft whimpers) in order to try to cope with or cover the sound I hear in my head. I pace all around my apartment if I am not busy, play with my hair or beard, and if the option to move around to distract myself does not exist (such as eating out, in class, etc) then I'm on my phone to try to get away from the sound.
My girlfriend, who I knew long before I had tinnitus but only started dating a year ago, has noticed this change in me and is extremely frustrated. She says she constantly sees me pacing and gets so upset by it that she wants to punch me. I even pace in the line at store because I am not at peace.... my anxiety is constantly through the roof. The only places I even come close to relaxing anymore is my apartment, where there is usually some sort of masking like ACRN on a moderate volume, otherwise I am constantly fidgeting like a child in order to cope! I never had this problem before. I would sit still for hours at a time if need be.
Not helping matters is an ear infection that somehow started from walking in the rain for a half hour (WTF) on the 19th of last month and although it seems to have resolved, has left me with a considerable amount of fluid behind the ear drums, slight sound distortion and another boost in loudness of the tinnitus, on top of the constant discomfort due to the clogged sensation in my ears (it makes even talking uncomfortable, and anything that stretches or opens the Eustachian tube is almost painful).
I feel like I am in dire need of real support- not strictly because of the tinnitus but because my behavior has changed so radically in the last few months alone. If I didn't recognize myself after I got tinnitus I can't even recognize my self with tinnitus from six months ago. I act like a kid with ADHD and some sort of behavior issue at the same time, but even the medical help in my life (a pair of psychiatrists as parents) tell me I'm fine and I just need to "not pace". Doctors are no good. I've tried explaining that although the tinnitus is bothersome it is not the only problem, the constant anxiety and fidgeting is also part of it.
No one is helping me and I'm certain I'm on the verge of losing my relationship. I just want to sit back and cuddle my girl without practically walking around the house while doing so. I did it before but now it's extremely hard.
Thank you for any advice.
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