Suicidal

[ShaunR]

Hey guys,

14 months of ear problems from an acoustic shock and possible Valsalva and I think I've reached the end. I've tried before and failed... hanging oneself is easier said than done.

My ear now is constant fullness and some kind of constant sensitivity like a sensitive tooth. I just can't live this way anymore.

All I do now is get up, sit down stairs on the sofa on forums, pop a load of Lyrica and then sleep. Wake up feeling anxious and scared everyday.

The only thing stopping me now is the grief it would bring my kids, fiance and parents.

Shaun.

 

[Chinmoku]

What kind of benzos are you talking about? Clonazepam? I just read about how Jordan Peterson got a very serous neurological disorder from the withdrawal he suffered when trying to get off Clonazepam. Are you really sure you want to go that route? Ask @Chinmoku about this, he knows.

I think Jordan Peterson went into an induced coma in a Russian clinic. It may have helped him but it's a desperate strategy. I would go into hibernation if I knew my ears and brain would slowly heal in time and the benzo wear off while I sleep.

I think @grate_biff wrestled with benzos for much longer than I did, so unfortunately there's not much I can say to help but that was a kind thought @Lurius.

 

[Zugzug]

I'm out of words but there is this song I play in my head every now and then.

There is a noise that never goes out
(Re-fashioned after "There is a light that never goes out", The Smiths, The Queen is Dead)

Even if just calling it noise does not make it justice.
I'm not improving or anything. Every hour I ask myself how I managed to survive 1 more hour and especially how I'll manage the next hour. At the same time every object or place or situation, even the most trivial, triggers a recollection of my previous life and it's so bad, the enormity of the gap between these two states.

Yeah, where is God? Epicurus argued that an omnipotent and good God is impossible due to the problem of evil (simplifying). Jesus great novelty was that man no longer needed to go to God but that God would come to man. But for all the wonderful things Jesus said and did, where is He? We understand He may be suffering with us, that might console some believers, but to be honest it helps me very little. How is Epicurus dilemma solved? It seems that - at least from a human logic point of view - you need to remove goodness or omnipotence.

I read an interesting analysis a while back, "the impotent God" by a biblical scholar called Maggi. He argued that the word omnipotent appears only in two places in the Bible, once as a translation of Zeabot and once as a translation of Shaddai. Poor Jerome who made the titanic job of translating the whole Bible into Latin didn't know the meaning of these words and used "omnipotent" as a filler, but that's not what these words mean.

Maggi argues that belief in a traditional omnipotent and good God would lead to atheism as it is incompatible with the suffering we see and a good man would feel insulted. When he is presented with a God who is worse than man, man does not know what to do with this God and becomes atheist. Maggi goes on to propose a different form of potence (which is really not omnipotence as we usually mean it) but when in extreme suffering that is little consolation. We need the suffering to reduce or stop, it's too extreme for philosophizing. Only an omnipotent God could help with 100% success. But this is not happening. Even Jesus was denied. So where does that leave us? Praying for years when in extreme constant pain can be a coping mechanism in the beginning but may end up backfiring later on. This has happened to me and to other people I know in similar situations.

The feeling that nothing can help us and the realization of this fact is a further trauma.

Now I fight for one more hour.

A big big hug to all of you brothers and sisters in perpetual bad pain.

Great post. It is a well thought out and actually researched articulation of my viewpoints. For me, it's too painful to believe that an omnipotent being is watching this unfold and doing nothing. Thus, I don't really believe in God, almost directly as Maggi says.

However, I invent a calloused, ruthless image of God in my head that I talk to from time to time. I'm sorry, I just haven't done enough bad to deserve this. So my brain finds logical fallacies in the bible and can't believe in it? Is that a good reason to not help someone in a state of torture? We can't help our brains and what they believe. The god that's portrayed often sounds more like a narcissist than a benevolent being. I mean, my god, even I will help people that don't love me back. A supposedly perfect being can't get over an ego trip of not being believed, despite showing no evidence of existence? That's so petty and deeply imperfect.

Sorry, if a God existed, it would help us.

 

[Exit]

Hey guys,

14 months of ear problems from an acoustic shock and possible Valsalva and I think I've reached the end. I've tried before and failed... hanging oneself is easier said than done.

My ear now is constant fullness and some kind of constant sensitivity like a sensitive tooth. I just can't live this way anymore.

All I do now is get up, sit down stairs on the sofa on forums, pop a load of Lyrica and then sleep. Wake up feeling anxious and scared everyday.

The only thing stopping me now is the grief it would bring my kids, fiance and parents.

Shaun.

At least you're not the only one...

Soon 2 years for me, and only getting worse... More tinnitus sounds all the time.

 

[Kriszti]

For me, it's too painful to believe that an omnipotent being is watching this unfold and doing nothing. Thus, I don't really believe in God, almost directly as Maggi says.

What I was taught in school is that these problems are "solved" in a way that we need to think in two timelines: one is earth side, the other one is afterlife. And when we kept asking the very basic question of why there is so much suffering in the world, the answer was always that it's beyond human understanding and in the afterlife we will be compensated and we will be given an answer to those questions as we will become one with God. (I have my own problems with free will and and predetermination as well, I never really got it how they could co-exist.)

For me, this is very hard to accept and absolutely does not help at all. I don't want the "suffering makes you noble" aspect, and I have very little faith in the narrative of the everlastingly good afterlife. It seems like a cop out for trying to make sense of issues which seem not logical at all.

And I don't understand the role of Jesus either. While it might be reassuring that we are not alone in our suffering, and God came to man, however if Jesus is one with the omnipotent and all-knowing God (sorry, I'm struggling with terminology here: one God, three persons, etc), then the suffering is not the same, because he knew the reasons behind it, he could be sure in the greater picture, he did not have to rely simply on faith. If he did not, then God was very cruel to his son for what reason?

@Chinmoku, that was a great post, I really enjoy your philosophical entries. I'm really sorry for all your sufferings, but also, I'm in awe how articulated, coherent and informative your posts are.

 

[Taw]

Nope. It got worse.

The first two to three months, it fluctuated a little although when it did, it changed to moderate severity (not quite mild but very welcoming) but after that, I experienced acoustic traumas which I assume worsened my tinnitus. I know label it as very severe and it doesn't change much at all.

I fear sirens and other loud noises because I can't take much more setbacks. I hope someone will notify me if any revolutionary tinnitus research advances lead to real treatments that lessen severity.

Sorry to hear that you are not improving.

I read also some of your posts and your problem is similar to mine, but I am not sure if you have also pain hyperacusis or not. If yes, did the pain hyperacusis improve in any way?

 

[ShaunR]

At least you're not the only one...

Soon 2 years for me, and only getting worse... More tinnitus sounds all the time.

I'll never make it 2 years.

 

[Chinmoku]

What I was taught in school is that these problems are "solved" in a way that we need to think in two timelines: one is earth side, the other one is afterlife. And when we kept asking the very basic question of why there is so much suffering in the world, the answer was always that it's beyond human understanding and in the afterlife we will be compensated and we will be given an answer to those questions as we will become one with God. (I have my own problems with free will and and predetermination as well, I never really got it how they could co-exist.)

For me, this is very hard to accept and absolutely does not help at all. I don't want the "suffering makes you noble" aspect, and I have very little faith in the narrative of the everlastingly good afterlife. It seems like a cop out for trying to make sense of issues which seem not logical at all.

And I don't understand the role of Jesus either. While it might be reassuring that we are not alone in our suffering, and God came to man, however if Jesus is one with the omnipotent and all-knowing God (sorry, I'm struggling with terminology here: one God, three persons, etc), then the suffering is not the same, because he knew the reasons behind it, he could be sure in the greater picture, he did not have to rely simply on faith. If he did not, then God was very cruel to his son for what reason?

@Chinmoku, that was a great post, I really enjoy your philosophical entries. I'm really sorry for all your sufferings, but also, I'm in awe how articulated, coherent and informative your posts are.

Thank you for your kind words, @Kriszti, I struggle with the same problems. One day I will have to tell my journey through faith and how this has been impacted badly by this crazy suffering.

Jesus is definitely a mystery. He was part God part Man, I think that at times the human part prevailed, other times the divine part prevailed. He seemed to be able to tap into the Father's power and omniscience but for sure He was not always connected I'd say.

Notice also the differences in the various gospels. Take the agony in the gethsemane and the crucifixion.

In Marc and Matthew Jesus is totally abandoned in the gethsemane, God the Father doesn't even talk to him, I think here He is fully human. When He in on the cross He does not call God "Father", and it's the only place in these Gospels if I'm not mistaken where Jesus calls the Father "God" rather than Father, as if He had lost the connection, as He if were dying as fully human, completely abandoned. "My God, my God, why have You forsaken Me?" Jesus might be quoting prophecy here but He seems more like a desperate man that has lost all connection to the Father. God remains silent. No help comes from on high, not even consolation. Jesus dies alone.

In Luke the situation is partly lifted to a more merciful setting. When Jesus agonizes in the garden, an angel is sent to console him and sustain him. On the cross, He dies saying "Father, in Your hands I commit My Spirit". Now God is Father again and the mercy of God seems to have been restored a little.

In John the crucifixion becomes a triumph. The agony in the garden is completely eliminated. Jesus dies by saying that the plan has been completed, "it is finished!" and He releases His spirit by His own choice.

The poet and director Pasolini had decided to make a movie about Jesus. He had to choose among the gospels. He chose Matthew, because he thought it was the most honest and human of all. His movie "The Gospel according to St. Matthew" is considered a cinematic masterpiece.

But after all has been said and done, we are left with our suffering, and no help seems to be coming. Our questions remain and it is so painful to see one's beliefs tested beyond their limits. I can't make any sense of this.

 

[grate_biff]

pop a load of Lyrica and then sleep.

I guess you are on Lyrica for your sound sensitivity?
Is it helping?

 

[grate_biff]

My doctor's visit today did not go well. Our long-time standing deal as benzo for last resort is not so clear suddenly. He has to talk with a psychiatrist about it.

I'm just totally tolerant to Mirtazapine. It used to clear all my benzo withdrawal symptoms for a while and make me very sleepy. Now, nothing.

I'm so fucked. I'm rolling in bed with anxiety, piercing tinnitus and even sounds from my bedsheets hurt my ears.

This can't be real? I hate my life and I hate the health-care-system in my country.
I'm gonna end up killing somebody...

 

[ShaunR]

I guess you are on Lyrica for your sound sensitivity?
Is it helping?

Hey,

I'm on Lyrica for face, jaw and ear pain. Have loads of tingling in my ear and fullness.

Doctor thinks trigeminal neuralgia (I know it isn't) so they prescribed Lyrica.

It doesn't work. I just now take all 3 at once and basically collapse into bed.

Shaun

 

[PeteJ]

I am not sure if you have also pain hyperacusis or not. If yes, did the pain hyperacusis improve in any way?

The pain hyperacusis improved a bit and I did read of others posting about their hyperacusis improving a bit.

As for tinnitus, severe tinnitus doesn't improve. At best, you might get some temporary fluctuations. I only OCCASIONALLY get that fluctuation and it's usually from a random high frequency noise. If the frequency is "off", just a bit, it might cause ear pain. The 'lower' fluctuation is really brief and temporary, under a minute or two. I had one this weekend. I can't intentionally reproduce it either. Can only hope it happens.

I don't think anyone here with genuine severe tinnitus has had their tinnitus improve (permanently).

 

[Taw]

The pain hyperacusis improved a bit and I did read of others posting about their hyperacusis improving a bit.

As for tinnitus, severe tinnitus doesn't improve. At best, you might get some temporary fluctuations. I only OCCASIONALLY get that fluctuation and it's usually from a random high frequency noise. If the frequency is "off", just a bit, it might cause ear pain. The 'lower' fluctuation is really brief and temporary, under a minute or two. I had one this weekend. I can't intentionally reproduce it either. Can only hope it happens.

I don't think anyone here with genuine severe tinnitus has had their tinnitus improve (permanently).

Thank you for the answer. My pain hyperacusis is almost constant. I have also moderate tinnitus, but it's a walk in the park compared to the pain hyperacusis. I am glad that you improved a bit, every small victory is good news.

May I ask if you can do normal activities, drive, travel by train/plane, go in supermarkets?

Cheers.

 

[grate_biff]

Just wondering, for all of you that struggle with pain hyperacusis (noxacusis).

How many of you have had no association with benzos?

Trying to find a connection there.

Give a rating:

Agree = I have taken a benzo!
Like = I was/am addicted to benzo!
Helpful = I'm in benzo withdrawal!
Hug = I have no or little association with benzos!

Feel free to elaborate.

Thanks!

 

[PeteJ]

Thank you for the answer. My pain hyperacusis is almost constant. I have also moderate tinnitus, but it's a walk in the park compared to the pain hyperacusis. I am glad that you improved a bit, every small victory is good news.

May I ask if you can do normal activities, drive, travel by train/plane, go in supermarkets?

Cheers.

I guess.

You sound young and your hyperacusis is recent? Do you have tinnitus as well?

I don't think anyone understands tinnitus or hyperacusis. I wish researchers would get involved and communicate with us.

I think your hyperacusis will improve. I read here, a lot of people think the brain becomes more accustomed to the pain so it "improves." I believe your ear heals somewhat but it just takes a long time. I had ear pain virtually every day and much of it was from random acoustic trauma that someone with normal "healthy" ears would consider an annoyance. There is no treatment for it and most doctors in my country have no clue or insight for hyperacusis. So, there's no chance of obtaining strong pain medication. Ibuprofen does nothing for ear pain. I dunno if opioids can get to the ear or not.

I would be literally crying. I hold a washcloth full of ice cubes up to my ear and alternate with heat. But, it really can't get to the ear. The inner part of the ear is in pain as well as outside. So, it's hopeless. Even on the ear pain worst days, my tinnitus is worse. It's just so loud.

I *can* do most normal activities. But, an acoustic trauma can cause ear pain or a spike at any time. It's still hell when I am lucky enough not to experience that. The constant loud ringing often dissuades me from doing much except what I have to do. The only traveling I do is driving my car.

Edit: I almost forgot to mention, I also have instances of sudden or increased ear pain for no apparent reason or cause. I still have that happen to me. Just nowadays, it's more like a sharp ear ache instead of throbbing ear pain like it used to be.

*Being able to do 'normal activities' is distinct to being able to do them but being tortured by loud tinnitus.

 

[Dontknow7]

I am in a psychiatric hospital. I have left myself without choice. I can't die because I have no method. But the tinnitus is here to stay. I have sleeping meds and sleep time is the only relief in this time and I just don't wish to wake up.

 

[Chinmoku]

Just wondering, for all of you that struggle with pain hyperacusis (noxacusis).

How many of you have had no association with benzos?

Trying to find a connection there.

Give a rating:

Agree = I have taken a benzo!
Like = I was/am addicted to benzo!
Helpful = I'm in benzo withdrawal!
Hug = I have no or little association with benzos!

Feel free to elaborate.

Thanks!

I can't answer because I don't have noxacusis. However my tinnitus acquired a more intrusive and maddening quality a couple of weeks after I started Clonazepam. At the same time I had probably COVID-19 (three weeks with high fever and flu) and that may have contributed. Tapering Clonazepam is proving very hard.

Remember we should have soon the Vistagen GABA drugs. They might help us either by reinforcing benzos or by replacing them if strong enough. They are non-addictive GABA drugs apparently.

I'm sorry about your GP. Most doctors seem to watch their back rather than help patients. I have this problem all the time, my GP does almost nothing if not approved by a specialist first.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

This is my tinnitus now. It was intermittent but is now constant. 50% of the time it goes in sync with my heartbeat and I feel it in the back of my head. I was getting a lot of headaches in the back left skull neck area before this crap started. It squeaks, then flatlines to a sharp noise.

 

[grate_biff]

Tapering Clonazepam is proving very hard.

That is putting it mildly!

Remember we should have soon the Vistagen GABA drugs. They might help us either by reinforcing benzos or by replacing them if strong enough. They are non-addictive GABA drugs apparently.

That is very interesting @Chinmoku. Do you have a link?
Or I´ll might be able to find it. Thanks.

I'm sorry about your GP. Most doctors seem to watch their back rather than help patients. I have this problem all the time, my GP does almost nothing if not approved by a specialist first.

Yeah, they are the first-in-line in health care and it seems they cannot make a decision on their own.

 

[Taw]

@PeteJ, I am 39 and the hyperacusis started in March 2021 from a drum lesson. Although I always thought that my ears were a bit sensitive, I did not like loud noises and my left ear hurt when I listened to medium volume in my earphones.

I have daily burning/stabbing pain. Ibuprofen does not help indeed, but Clonazepam does it for me, I take small doses when I cannot sleep and the pain is unbearable.

I have also moderate tinnitus, but it's a walk in the park compared to the hyperacusis pain.

 

[Taw]

Just wondering, for all of you that struggle with pain hyperacusis (noxacusis).

How many of you have had no association with benzos?

Trying to find a connection there.

Give a rating:

Agree = I have taken a benzo!
Like = I was/am addicted to benzo!
Helpful = I'm in benzo withdrawal!
Hug = I have no or little association with benzos!

Feel free to elaborate.

Thanks!

I take Clonazepam when in great pain and it helps a lot. Also my LDL increases. I try not to abuse it.

 

[ShaunR]

Just wondering, for all of you that struggle with pain hyperacusis (noxacusis).

How many of you have had no association with benzos?

Trying to find a connection there.

Give a rating:

Agree = I have taken a benzo!
Like = I was/am addicted to benzo!
Helpful = I'm in benzo withdrawal!
Hug = I have no or little association with benzos!

Feel free to elaborate.

Thanks!

I just took Lorozepam and 75% of my symptoms have gone away!

Gone from sitting on the sofa with ear feeling discomfort and tingling to feeling much better. Could be placebo though.

Shaun.

 

[Chinmoku]

That is very interesting @Chinmoku. Do you have a link?

https://www.vistagen.com/pipeline

The first one in the pipeline is in Phase 3.

They are trialling it for social anxiety but we could use it for anxiety more generally.

I might have been wrong re: GABAergic. My brain is a pulp.

 

[Gabriel5050]

So I especially protected my right ear for months because that's the side I usually sleep on. I had to leave my house a few days ago due to a loud party hosted by my neighbour. A friend came over to drive me to his place which was quieter obviously. While leaving I had in plugs and muffs but I was still exposed to some of the loud music. This is the third day since that incident and my right ear hasn't come back down to the previous level, or at all.

Months of protection gone down the drain in just a few minutes. Why can't there be incidents where the result is getting better? It only gets worse with time...

 

[Taw]

I just took Lorozepam and 75% of my symptoms have gone away!

Gone from sitting on the sofa with ear feeling discomfort and tingling to feeling much better. Could be placebo though.

Shaun.

It's not placebo, I know at least 3 people who get relief when using it, besides me.

 

[Chinmoku]

I just took Lorozepam and 75% of my symptoms have gone away!

Gone from sitting on the sofa with ear feeling discomfort and tingling to feeling much better. Could be placebo though.

Shaun.

Benzos work, they can be very effective short term. The problem is tolerance.

 

[Sevv]

https://www.vistagen.com/pipeline

The first one in the pipeline is in Phase 3.

They are trialling it for social anxiety but we could use it for anxiety more generally.

I might have been wrong re: GABAergic. My brain is a pulp.

Take it easy man. Thanks to your information I realized that there are also new non-hearing-focused drugs that might help our problems. That was quite helpful. Eventually well get closer to a non-addictive clonazepam. We'll be taking it like candies.

 

[Chinmoku]

So I especially protected my right ear for months because that's the side I usually sleep on. I had to leave my house a few days ago due to a loud party hosted by my neighbour. A friend came over to drive me to his place which was quieter obviously. While leaving I had in plugs and muffs but I was still exposed to some of the loud music. This is the third day since that incident and my right ear hasn't come back down to the previous level, or at all.

Months of protection gone down the drain in just a few minutes. Why can't there be incidents where the result is getting better? It only gets worse with time...

I know... I wear earmuffs every time I go out, especially in the tube, cars, and walking near traffic. All in vain. It never gets better. I call it the ratchet from hell.

 

[ShaunR]

It's not placebo, I know at least 3 people who get relief when using it, besides me.

I'm sorry it doesn't work for you

My hyperacusis or whatever the hell I have has always felt very muscular in nature so I wonder if the muscle relaxing properties relax the middle ear muscles, giving relief?

Either way I'm going to talk to my doctor tomorrow and try convince them to prescribe me a good dose.

Shaun

 

[grate_biff]

My hyperacusis or whatever the hell I have has always felt very muscular in nature so I wonder if the muscle relaxing properties relax the middle ear muscles, giving relief?

If that is the case, you should probably ask for Baclofen (muscle relaxant/antispastic drug). It's a GABA-B drug and is not supposed to be as addictive as benzos (GABA-A drug).