Suicidal

[dan]

I can't sleep anymore for sure after today. Had a hard time last night and today I've worsened even more from cars driving nearby my house. No one believed me that I needed quiet and that regular sounds were increasing my tinnitus.

That sounds very bad. I had a good run last two weeks, now worsening pretty much out of the blue. It's true what they say about tinnitus being a joke from hell.

 

[GuitarMan]

We don't have to agree, but, my viewpoint on this is: they were overprescribed for a long time and then Purdue cooked the golden goose with their illegal opiate marketing which caused a huge crackdown on all controlled prescriptions and now benzos may be underprescribed.

The thing about the use pattern you describe is, with Clonazepam specifically, the half life of the drug is long enough that taking it weekly still leads to having a constant dose in your body, and this has been confirmed by clinical studies which have found Clonazepam metabolites in urine as much as thirty days after a single dose.

Upshot there is that someone who takes 2 mg a day, like me, probably has more like 5 mg in their body at any given time, and someone who takes 1 mg on a Saturday and a Sunday, will still have about 0.2mg floating around in their system 5 days later, which is more or less the same as 3-5 mg of Diazepam, which is very much a dose that creates dependence and would need to be tapered off if consumed for long enough.

I am not trying to scare you, as much as, using 1 mg of Clonazepam twice a week is somewhat similar to just taking 0.25 mg every day. If it's more effective for you to use it that way, by all means, I am very much in favor of all of us making whatever reasonable decisions we need to, to have the best life we can with these conditions.

There's also a tremendous and possibly genetically influenced variance in how people respond to these drugs and to withdrawal; some people are able to withdraw from fairly high doses quickly without much fuss, and other people withdraw slowly from lower doses and suffer extremely. There's no way to know what's going to happen until you stop taking it long enough for all of it to have cleared your blood stream, and for long enough that your body's homeostatic response has resolved (6-24 months post withdrawal, for people who have a rough go of it).

Because benzo withdrawal has been absolute, insane hell for me personally both times I have gone through it over a long, slow taper, I come down hard on the "benzos are super dangerous, last resort kinda thing" side of the argument.

If you talk to one of the people who took a Xanax a day for 3 years, stopped suddenly, had some sweats and insomnia for a week and then they were just fine, they might give you a totally different story and think my story is insane. Neither of us would be wrong or insane, we just had such different experiences with the same basic process that all we could do is compare notes and say "huh, bodies are weird!"

Clonazepam has a lower risk for dependence than Xanax precisely because it stays in your system longer and is metabolized more gradually. But taking it too often and at too high of a dose for a long period of time can absolutely lead to tolerance, dependence, and hellish withdrawal symptoms. This is why I no longer take Xanax even though I still have a few left from many many years ago.

For some people Xanax can be a life saver for very limited situational use but for anything more regular, Clonazepam is usually a much better choice. Like I've mentioned, it is the only thing I've found that gives me even a tiny bit of relief from tinnitus.

But like you mentioned, as a result of the opioid disaster it's now very difficult to find a doctor who will prescribe it long-term. I used to have an RX for 0.5mg twice daily and monthly renewals with just a check-in with a psychiatrist once every 6 months. Because I'm responsible and know benzos very well, I never even considered actually taking that dose and only used it very sparingly, but ironically, now that I actually need it, it's almost impossible to get.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

I'll probably be on this thread soon. Damn trajectory is not going well. This disease is brutal.

1 year, 3 months later, here I am. Battle isn't over but it's getting close lol.

 

[UKBloke]

1 year, 3 months later, here I am. Battle isn't over but it's getting close lol.

Hey man, we haven't spoken in a while. To be honest, after all the fails of Lenire etc etc I've ended up not having a great deal else to say! Instead I just submit to whatever daily life brings and do the best I can. Like you're doing. I'm with you in spirit. Big hug.

 

[CW Dragon]

Xanax has helped me a lot, it limits the ability for me to think deeply about (bad) things. I'm probably going to request Clonazepam though after my next meeting with my GP. I'd rather take something extended with a higher half-life then constantly taking the pills when I panic and need them, and then it gives me this weird buzz feeling I don't like much. I just want to be me again from four months ago.

 

[BrysonKingMe]

Xanax has helped me a lot, it limits the ability for me to think deeply about (bad) things. I'm probably going to request Clonazepam though after my next meeting with my GP. I'd rather take something extended with a higher half-life then constantly taking the pills when I panic and need them, and then it gives me this weird buzz feeling I don't like much. I just want to be me again from four months ago.

If your tinnitus is still "plug your ears to hear it", do yourself a favor and stop taking benzos as there is really no need. I'm not sure if this is still the case or you are taking them for other reasons.

I'm not saying your tinnitus is not distressing, but you could easily dig yourself a deeper hole taking this medication.

FYI, many of us would do unspeakable things for your level of tinnitus.

 

[AfroSnowman]

All I can do is accept the pain and try to disassociate myself from it. Weird how when I hear about someone dying my first involuntary internal response is "lucky".

 

[AfroSnowman]

If your tinnitus is still "plug your ears to hear it".

Oh I've got the answer to this one, stop plugging your ears

I don't mean to make light of anyone's pain or distress, if someone feels pain deeply, they feel it deeply and none of us get merit badges for have a more severe tinnitus, but I would be willing to accept invasive brain surgery if I could make this something I could plug my ears to hear, or turn on a fan and it goes away.

 

[AfroSnowman]

We don't have to agree, but, my viewpoint on this is: they were overprescribed for a long time and then Purdue cooked the golden goose with their illegal opiate marketing which caused a huge crackdown on all controlled prescriptions and now benzos may be underprescribed.

The thing about the use pattern you describe is, with Clonazepam specifically, the half life of the drug is long enough that taking it weekly still leads to having a constant dose in your body, and this has been confirmed by clinical studies which have found Clonazepam metabolites in urine as much as thirty days after a single dose.

Upshot there is that someone who takes 2 mg a day, like me, probably has more like 5 mg in their body at any given time, and someone who takes 1 mg on a Saturday and a Sunday, will still have about 0.2mg floating around in their system 5 days later, which is more or less the same as 3-5 mg of Diazepam, which is very much a dose that creates dependence and would need to be tapered off if consumed for long enough.

I am not trying to scare you, as much as, using 1 mg of Clonazepam twice a week is somewhat similar to just taking 0.25 mg every day. If it's more effective for you to use it that way, by all means, I am very much in favor of all of us making whatever reasonable decisions we need to, to have the best life we can with these conditions.

There's also a tremendous and possibly genetically influenced variance in how people respond to these drugs and to withdrawal; some people are able to withdraw from fairly high doses quickly without much fuss, and other people withdraw slowly from lower doses and suffer extremely. There's no way to know what's going to happen until you stop taking it long enough for all of it to have cleared your blood stream, and for long enough that your body's homeostatic response has resolved (6-24 months post withdrawal, for people who have a rough go of it).

Because benzo withdrawal has been absolute, insane hell for me personally both times I have gone through it over a long, slow taper, I come down hard on the "benzos are super dangerous, last resort kinda thing" side of the argument.

If you talk to one of the people who took a Xanax a day for 3 years, stopped suddenly, had some sweats and insomnia for a week and then they were just fine, they might give you a totally different story and think my story is insane. Neither of us would be wrong or insane, we just had such different experiences with the same basic process that all we could do is compare notes and say "huh, bodies are weird!"

I haven't been following this thread, but, @linearb, at one time I have gotten an impression that you have found a long term Rx combo that had helped make thing more survivable. I take it you have or are trying to cut benzos from your diet. Are you still on a long term combo of any sort? What is it?

 

[benjd2016]

If someone has to plug their ears to hear a soft tone, then they are doing reasonably well.

My ringing still sometimes has me tossing and turning in bed at night. Mostly in right ear but also weird "zzzzing ting ting ting dingalingalingaling zzzzing" in my left ear that is pretty bizarre if you ask me. Someone told me this is recruitment but I have trouble believing that since recruitment usually happens with louder sounds, not softer sounds like gently rubbing a sheet or listening to soft violin music.

 

[Travis Henry]

I hate this. I don't want to die, but everything I've done, since getting bad tinnitus and mild hyperacusis January this year, has made my case into catastrophic. I had the perfect life. All I had to do was stop everything in January and only focus on being healthy and staying in quiet and using masking sounds that didn't amp the tinnitus up. But my audiologist told me that regular sounds won't hurt me, not to protect, and only use earplugs in loud situations, when I should never have been around anything loud again because of how much damage I'd already done. The lack of awareness and proper direction given was the death of me. I wish I would die in my sleep, but can't even sleep anymore. Sucks to lose your life completely to this. I can't even think straight and every second of everyday is pure torture with how loud it's screaming. My brain/ears feels like they are on fire and vibrating. No sleep. 6 months of worsening while being inside.

 

[kingsfan]

I haven't been following this thread, but, @linearb, at one time I have gotten an impression that you have found a long term Rx combo that had helped make thing more survivable. I take it you have or are trying to cut benzos from your diet. Are you still on a long term combo of any sort? What is it?

Since he hasn't been on, I'll just butt in and say I think he takes Clonazepam (a high dose) and Gabapentin (300 mg 3 times a day - I think).

 

[kingsfan]

Well I'm a juncture now. My car registration expires at the end of this month and I'm registered to vote in California and am not switching everything to my current state. I hate it this state and I think I've worn out my welcome. I may just drive back, drop off my cat at my ex's and swim into the ocean...

 

[tpj]

@Travis Henry, weren't you going to start a treatment this month?

Edward Park, MD, MPH is going to give me exosomes this October 15.

 

[linearb]

I haven't been following this thread, but, @linearb, at one time I have gotten an impression that you have found a long term Rx combo that had helped make thing more survivable. I take it you have or are trying to cut benzos from your diet. Are you still on a long term combo of any sort? What is it?

I am down to Gabapentin 600 mg, sometimes 300 mg, from 600-900 mg a while ago. I may try to get off the Gabapentin entirely in 2023. If I am able to do so with no discernible hit to my quality of life, maybe I will think about chiseling away at the Klonopin, maybe not.

 

[kingsfan]

I am down to Gabapentin 600 mg, sometimes 300 mg, from 600-900 mg a while ago. I may try to get off the Gabapentin entirely in 2023. If I am able to do so with no discernible hit to my quality of life, maybe I will think about chiseling away at the Klonopin, maybe not.

Do you have any side effects with Gabapentin? Did you have any when you first started that went away after some time? I take it on and off, and get a bit of temporary relief while on it, but the lightheadness and trouble recalling things from memory make it difficult to try for an extended period of time.

I become ravenous while on it.

 

[Stuart-T]

If someone has to plug their ears to hear a soft tone, then they are doing reasonably well.

My ringing still sometimes has me tossing and turning in bed at night. Mostly in right ear but also weird "zzzzing ting ting ting dingalingalingaling zzzzing" in my left ear that is pretty bizarre if you ask me. Someone told me this is recruitment but I have trouble believing that since recruitment usually happens with louder sounds, not softer sounds like gently rubbing a sheet or listening to soft violin music.

Having to plug your ears to hear your tinnitus really sounds like level 1. If I had this level of tinnitus, I would not even be on this forum but I suppose we all have individual levels of tolerance.

 

[Nick47]

@linearb, are you planning another exit strategy from the cocktail as we approach the 5 year mark?

 

[Shizune]

Got put on Topiramate by my psychiatrist, also agreed by with my neurologist. It's causing awful psychiatric side effects, including severe depression, anxiety, and mood swings turning me into the devil. My hyperacusis is just fine. But I want to jump off a bridge because it's turning my brain into mush and I can't possibly imagine living like this for what seems to be little to no benefit.

Naturally, my neurologist denies that this med can cause any of these side effects and claims it's for other reasons... but I've taken them before and they've done just that. Any quick search (God forbid!), you can clearly see that's a common side effect. And seems I'm not the only one here with the same experience.

What's worrying is my tinnitus is beginning to get a bit more troublesome, and I've just read a member here getting worsened tinnitus after coming off it.

I really want to call it quits for the sake of my mental state, brain health, and tinnitus, but i feel obligated to stay the course on the very off chance it may improve my hyperacusis, and to appease my Lord handlers. Was hoping to suggest going down a Topiramate/Nortriptyline combo route but I don't think I have it in me to carry on at this point. I'm going bonkers.

Sacrificing my psyche and affecting my loved ones just for the slim chance it may fix this bullshit affliction is a cruel punishment. Seems like we've got to sacrifice a lot, with still no guarantees we'll get anything worth it in the end. Oh well, time for the next drug. Reckon tricyclics are the next hurdle. Can't wait to get diabetes.

 

[Hottopic29]

Got put on Topiramate by my psychiatrist, also agreed by with my neurologist. It's causing awful psychiatric side effects, including severe depression, anxiety, and mood swings turning me into the devil. My hyperacusis is just fine. But I want to jump off a bridge because it's turning my brain into mush and I can't possibly imagine living like this for what seems to be little to no benefit.

Naturally, my neurologist denies that this med can cause any of these side effects and claims it's for other reasons... but I've taken them before and they've done just that. Any quick search (God forbid!), you can clearly see that's a common side effect. And seems I'm not the only one here with the same experience.

What's worrying is my tinnitus is beginning to get a bit more troublesome, and I've just read a member here getting worsened tinnitus after coming off it.

I really want to call it quits for the sake of my mental state, brain health, and tinnitus, but i feel obligated to stay the course on the very off chance it may improve my hyperacusis, and to appease my Lord handlers. Was hoping to suggest going down a Topiramate/Nortriptyline combo route but I don't think I have it in me to carry on at this point. I'm going bonkers.

Sacrificing my psyche and affecting my loved ones just for the slim chance it may fix this bullshit affliction is a cruel punishment. Seems like we've got to sacrifice a lot, with still no guarantees we'll get anything worth it in the end. Oh well, time for the next drug. Reckon tricyclics are the next hurdle. Can't wait to get diabetes.

Those sort meds make my brain feel weird like I'm confused for the first 8 weeks...

Meds can affect tinnitus for sure.

 

[Shizune]

Those sort meds make my brain feel weird like I'm confused for the first 8 weeks...

Meds can affect tinnitus for sure.

I've felt a lot of confusion too for sure. Brain fog has been horrible, short term memory definitely affected. If I'm asked to do more than maybe one or two things at once, I get overwhelmed, confused, shut down completely. I feel entirely useless and can barely function.

I'm not used to it at all. I've been largely med-free since getting tinnitus and hyperacusis but now I have to face the med trials. My small testing of Trileptal spiked my tinnitus and hyperacusis sensitivity so I just didn't bother continuing because I feared any permanence.

 

[kingsfan]

I've felt a lot of confusion too for sure. Brain fog has been horrible, short term memory definitely affected. If I'm asked to do more than maybe one or two things at once, I get overwhelmed, confused, shut down completely. I feel entirely useless and can barely function.

I'm not used to it at all. I've been largely med-free since getting tinnitus and hyperacusis but now I have to face the med trials. My small testing of Trileptal spiked my tinnitus and hyperacusis sensitivity so I just didn't bother continuing because I feared any permanence.

I've been taking Gabapentin, only 50 mg a day, and I've still been feeling the horrible brain fog and trouble recalling things from memory, especially the right words to say/write in a conversation.

 

[CW Dragon]

If your tinnitus is still "plug your ears to hear it", do yourself a favor and stop taking benzos as there is really no need. I'm not sure if this is still the case or you are taking them for other reasons.

I'm not saying your tinnitus is not distressing, but you could easily dig yourself a deeper hole taking this medication.

FYI, many of us would do unspeakable things for your level of tinnitus.

I have had anxiety issues and intermittent depression throughout my entire life so the Xanax and Lexapro are helping with that.

Sadly my tinnitus has evolved (or devolved however you want to put it). I can hear it constantly - and more so with random spikes. That's my left ear, a 4000 Hz ringing (Jamaican steel drum) and an arpeggio of extended frequencies. I feel like I'm in a galaxy spaceship sometimes going through the stars, then my right ear has a lower frequency hum that's always been there.

But then if that isn't enough! At night I hear not coming from either ear, a 30 dB high frequency recording going on in the center of my brain. Basically when you leave a microphone on at full volume and not say anything into it, that's what I hear now when I'm trying to sleep. My white noise (ceiling fan at full speed) doesn't block it at all so I load up on Melatonin and Benadryl to help me sleep. I'm physically in bed for 11 hours a night.

I feel I'm in the first four of five stages of grief going on all at once!

 

[Theezy]

Before tinnitus, I wouldn't have in a million years dreamed of suicide; it didn't make sense why you would willingly trade in this life. Even with mild/moderate tinnitus, life was great and the condition was only a minor annoyance. Unfortunately the T decided normal mild/moderate levels were not enough for me.

If it were one increase that stabilized I could approach this more productively. However over the last 2 months I have found myself in a free fall. The first increase 2 months ago I thought was bad, but I'd work to habituate again. Since then I made some progress, but slowly the tinnitus became worse and worse. Normal sounds can raise my baseline, hence the "free fall". Silverware dropping on a granite counter raised it, driving raised it, a family dinner raised it, and last night a fork scraping the wrong way on a plate raised it an amount that seems impossible from such a typical sound, I struggle to believe what I am experiencing, yet I cannot deny it. These are not spikes that fade, it is all stacking and my new baseline is absolutely screaming, it's many many times more intrusive and loud than my initial increase. It's so intense that my body feels like it vibrates with the low rumbling, and the high screeching seems to be accompanied by agonizing burning facial pain.

I optimistically started TRT and therapy at the beginning of this ramping up, but it has gone so far in the opposite direction since then that those feel like putting a bandaid on a decapitated head. I could work with even extreme tinnitus if it stayed stable, but this keeps getting significantly worse at least once a week. Habituation unfortunately doesn't work when you have a few days to adjust before it increases again. I can't understand what is happening, and it feels like I keep getting curbstomped into the ground when I start to slightly be able to breathe again. I am now moved back in with my parents and I feel terrible they see me this way. I had such a fulfilling life before this. I exist almost as a zombie holding on to a hope that seems almost delusional at this rate. It's as if I am fighting the hydra that grows back two heads for every one I cut off. My trend strongly suggests I will continue getting worse. This is not me being emotional, this is me looking at the fact that my tinnitus has been rapidly worsening over the past months and does not yet show any signs of stopping. I am already well beyond my breaking point, and I need something to break to the upside soon. My life is painful and miserable at the moment but I truthfully do not want to kill myself at all. I want to survive this for myself and for my family and friends. I simply don't know how I will be able to if it continues to decline.

 

[Diego LR]

Before tinnitus, I wouldn't have in a million years dreamed of suicide; it didn't make sense why you would willingly trade in this life. Even with mild/moderate tinnitus, life was great and the condition was only a minor annoyance. Unfortunately the T decided normal mild/moderate levels were not enough for me.

If it were one increase that stabilized I could approach this more productively. However over the last 2 months I have found myself in a free fall. The first increase 2 months ago I thought was bad, but I'd work to habituate again. Since then I made some progress, but slowly the tinnitus became worse and worse. Normal sounds can raise my baseline, hence the "free fall". Silverware dropping on a granite counter raised it, driving raised it, a family dinner raised it, and last night a fork scraping the wrong way on a plate raised it an amount that seems impossible from such a typical sound, I struggle to believe what I am experiencing, yet I cannot deny it. These are not spikes that fade, it is all stacking and my new baseline is absolutely screaming, it's many many times more intrusive and loud than my initial increase. It's so intense that my body feels like it vibrates with the low rumbling, and the high screeching seems to be accompanied by agonizing burning facial pain.

I optimistically started TRT and therapy at the beginning of this ramping up, but it has gone so far in the opposite direction since then that those feel like putting a bandaid on a decapitated head. I could work with even extreme tinnitus if it stayed stable, but this keeps getting significantly worse at least once a week. Habituation unfortunately doesn't work when you have a few days to adjust before it increases again. I can't understand what is happening, and it feels like I keep getting curbstomped into the ground when I start to slightly be able to breathe again. I am now moved back in with my parents and I feel terrible they see me this way. I had such a fulfilling life before this. I exist almost as a zombie holding on to a hope that seems almost delusional at this rate. It's as if I am fighting the hydra that grows back two heads for every one I cut off. My trend strongly suggests I will continue getting worse. This is not me being emotional, this is me looking at the fact that my tinnitus has been rapidly worsening over the past months and does not yet show any signs of stopping. I am already well beyond my breaking point, and I need something to break to the upside soon. My life is painful and miserable at the moment but I truthfully do not want to kill myself at all. I want to survive this for myself and for my family and friends. I simply don't know how I will be able to if it continues to decline.

Hi @Theezy. Sorry to hear about your terrible free fall. Suicidal thoughts in these situations are pretty normal because we do not want to suffer. I am also losing the hope of getting better. I also have pretty bad reactive tinnitus & hyperacusis. I need to use earplugs whenever I'm out in the city or cafes etc... but not in quiet streets or parks. Does your tinnitus get worse even with earplugs?

 

[linearb]

Do you have any side effects with Gabapentin? Did you have any when you first started that went away after some time? I take it on and off, and get a bit of temporary relief while on it, but the lightheadness and trouble recalling things from memory make it difficult to try for an extended period of time.

I become ravenous while on it.

if it's impacting my memory or appetite, it's doing so less than the cannabis I take and I don't notice, ha. My memory is good enough to do software dev shit day to day and so far not forget where my children are, and I am 6'1" 160lbs and have been since 1998.

 

[Psych]

I wanted to post when I was having a better day, to share that better days can be had, even in the midst of seemingly worsening tinnitus.

I'm getting varying tones - in addition to the usual loud cicadas - in my right ear, and a sometimes noticeable solid noise in my left ear, and things seem louder and more noticeable at night.

But I'm feeling alright this morning, even enjoying myself, with some rare chocolate and coffee, this morning. It seems to help to emphasize the good and the "not tinnitus" aspects of my life, to listen to other things, to keep distracted by projects and beauty around me. Things are very difficult at times, partly because I have other symptoms and maladies that are plaguing me, but one must soldier on.

Killing yourself will not help, as you will just be drug back by your heels and made to do it again, so we have to fight, fight, fight to make things as good for ourselves as we can. There are so many interventions, and I know it gets very hard and tiresome to run them down and implement them, but they can work. Not to mention the unbelievable comfort that comes from the serious support you get from other people, here and elsewhere in your life. These are all part of the foundation that can be built and built upon for now and for the future. You are worth that and a magnificent spiritual edifice that will keep you for the rest of your days, and it's worth working on. Make it how you want it, and you will benefit greatly!

Best wishes to you going forward - you are worth everything! <3

 

[Jerad]

I hate how noxacusis has made me bitter. When my neighbor decides to cut his grass, he's just living. He has no idea that it's impacting my life or causing inconvenience. The same can be said for my other neighbor when he has a party on Saturday night and the ambient noise ruins what little day I have left. But I get angry because they're all intruding. The noises are like bullies breathing down my throat, though it's not their fault. They know not what they do. After all, they're just living. But that reality crushes my soul even more — that they're just LIVING, as if there ever was such a thing. It makes me realize that I'm the odd man out here. This is their world, not mine. I'm the one intruding. It's been so long since I've lived, I've almost forgotten what it's like. Like a species long extinct, its presence eludes me. Knowing what I know now, it's crazy what people take for granted. If they can engage with life and be a part of its essence, they should feel like the richest men and women alive. I know I would if I could do that again.

 

[HeavyMantra]

I hate how noxacusis has made me bitter. When my neighbor decides to cut his grass, he's just living. He has no idea that it's impacting my life or causing inconvenience. The same can be said for my other neighbor when he has a party on Saturday night and the ambient noise ruins what little day I have left. But I get angry because they're all intruding. The noises are like bullies breathing down my throat, though it's not their fault. They know not what they do. After all, they're just living. But that reality crushes my soul even more — that they're just LIVING, as if there ever was such a thing. It makes me realize that I'm the odd man out here. This is their world, not mine. I'm the one intruding. It's been so long since I've lived, I've almost forgotten what it's like. Like a species long extinct, its presence eludes me. Knowing what I know now, it's crazy what people take for granted. If they can engage with life and be a part of its essence, they should feel like the richest men and women alive. I know I would if I could do that again.

So relatable. I'm a wreck when it comes to these things: my heart starts beating fast and I feel fearful just to hear my neighbour stomp around above me at night. It's like I have PTSD of some sort.

 

[Theezy]

Before tinnitus, I wouldn't have in a million years dreamed of suicide; it didn't make sense why you would willingly trade in this life. Even with mild/moderate tinnitus, life was great and the condition was only a minor annoyance. Unfortunately the T decided normal mild/moderate levels were not enough for me.

If it were one increase that stabilized I could approach this more productively. However over the last 2 months I have found myself in a free fall. The first increase 2 months ago I thought was bad, but I'd work to habituate again. Since then I made some progress, but slowly the tinnitus became worse and worse. Normal sounds can raise my baseline, hence the "free fall". Silverware dropping on a granite counter raised it, driving raised it, a family dinner raised it, and last night a fork scraping the wrong way on a plate raised it an amount that seems impossible from such a typical sound, I struggle to believe what I am experiencing, yet I cannot deny it. These are not spikes that fade, it is all stacking and my new baseline is absolutely screaming, it's many many times more intrusive and loud than my initial increase. It's so intense that my body feels like it vibrates with the low rumbling, and the high screeching seems to be accompanied by agonizing burning facial pain.

I optimistically started TRT and therapy at the beginning of this ramping up, but it has gone so far in the opposite direction since then that those feel like putting a bandaid on a decapitated head. I could work with even extreme tinnitus if it stayed stable, but this keeps getting significantly worse at least once a week. Habituation unfortunately doesn't work when you have a few days to adjust before it increases again. I can't understand what is happening, and it feels like I keep getting curbstomped into the ground when I start to slightly be able to breathe again. I am now moved back in with my parents and I feel terrible they see me this way. I had such a fulfilling life before this. I exist almost as a zombie holding on to a hope that seems almost delusional at this rate. It's as if I am fighting the hydra that grows back two heads for every one I cut off. My trend strongly suggests I will continue getting worse. This is not me being emotional, this is me looking at the fact that my tinnitus has been rapidly worsening over the past months and does not yet show any signs of stopping. I am already well beyond my breaking point, and I need something to break to the upside soon. My life is painful and miserable at the moment but I truthfully do not want to kill myself at all. I want to survive this for myself and for my family and friends. I simply don't know how I will be able to if it continues to decline.

It's been 2 days and it's at crazy new levels. Literally getting worse by the hour at this point. With this rate of progression I don't see how I have a choice. No human can live with these sounds. My whole body is vibrating from the intensity.