Suicidal

[Jazzer]

How long do you lie there for?
I would love to try this. but I don't know how practical it is for me what with kids etc. I could maybe manage it a few times per week.

Are there any other ways that you use to meditate that are more practical for someone in my situation?
Sorry if it sound like I'm poo-pooing your idea. I'm not.

Maybe twenty minutes or so.
But five is better than nothing.
————————————
Understand completely.
I am old with time on my hands, but obviously remember the time when I had three kids at home, when it would have been impossible.

My own Tinnitus is a very loud high pitched hiss.
(Pressure cooker release valve.)

As it is high pitched, I tend to think of my peace as running deeper.
I walk around the park where I live every day.
I make sure that I have a soft mouth, and a hanging jaw.

*Never grind your teeth, by the way.
You will never relax that way.
Teeth should only ever close around food.
Become a 'Soft Mouthed Jaw Hanger.'

I walk to the gentle rhythm of my breathing.
Again I practice (thinking the mantra)
...deep-er....deep-er....deep-er....deep-er....

I also get myself off to sleep with
...deep-er....deep-er.....

There are plenty of meditational books that might help you too, of course.
Best wishes

Dave x
Jazzer

 

[Harley]

Being exhausted both physically and mentally due to intense 24/7 torture, without the possibility to rest and recover is beyond inhumane.
If any of our pets had this affliction, we would put them down out of compassion.
Yet we are expected to carry on the same way as if we had just a sore back.

This feels like being raped over and over by my very own brain, who betrayed me in the most disgusting, callous way possible.

There comes a point, when the desire to punish and kill the rapist becomes stronger than desire to live.

 

[Lane]

my very own brain, who betrayed me

@Harley, I can certainly relate to those sentiments. However, is it "possible" your brain might actually be trying to alert you that something very seriously wrong is going on? From my understanding, tinnitus can arise for many different reasons, and from far ranging parts of the body. This could include structural, organ, endocrine, and/or digestive issues, and who knows what all else might be involved?

Believe it or not, I had some physical therapy done on my knee one day, after which I felt my hip relax, then my shoulder, then my neck, and then lo and behold, my tinnitus went down in intensity for a few hours. The more I learn about tinnitus, the more I regard it as some kind of early warning signal that something is not right. Which puts us in the position becoming our own Sherlock Holmes. -- Best...

 

[jay777]

You set the bar so high, I am sorry to say I may have to stuff my shorts with a banana... you set the bar so damn high on top of that moose.

Are you still stuck in that tube in vang vieng?

 

[Harley]

@Harley, I can certainly relate to those sentiments. However, is it "possible" your brain might actually be trying to alert you that something very seriously wrong is going on? From my understanding, tinnitus can arise for many different reasons, and from far ranging parts of the body. This could include structural, organ, endocrine, and/or digestive issues, and who knows what all else might be involved?

Believe it or not, I had some physical therapy done on my knee one day, after which I felt my hip relax, then my shoulder, then my neck, and then lo and behold, my tinnitus went down in intensity for a few hours. The more I learn about tinnitus, the more I regard it as some kind of early warning signal that something is not right. Which puts us in the position becoming our own Sherlock Holmes. -- Best...

Thank you Lane.
Yes it is possible that my brain is trying to alert me.
If this is indeed the case, I would like to relay a message back to my brain:

"Thank you for alerting me, but you can now piss off, as I got your message 3 long fucking years ago!!!!!
I don't need to be alerted anymore and I will take my chances at life, without being able to hear some useless high frequency, which I might have lost".

I'm sorry Lane, if I come across as a completelly irrational asshole, but I'm just getting more and more pissed off with each passing day.
None of us deserves this nightmare.

 

[Daniel Lion]

I was a young lady, healthy girl, with a normal life, a job in which I was valued, productive, happy, with friends and a partner. With A life.

Now I am nothing. I just want to die. I can't stand it not a minute more. My career is destroyed, my life is destroyed.

Everything I was is fucking ruined.

This fucking sound is so fucking loud. I can't stand.

I understand... .just keep in mind you've had tinnitus for about 5 months now... there's a good chance it will get better, and maybe some of these new treatments will help you.

Be strong, breathe, exercise, have hot baths, and don't give up.

You are loved and not alone. Just go slow, baby steps... we can all help each other... one day at a time... Try Jazzer's breathing techniques... I do, but I am still crap at it... but it really does help.

 

[Josdela]

Today I had the worst day with tinnitus, you can get better or worse noise, I have not slept more than 2 hours these days, I have not had suicidal thoughts, but I feel so miserable and paying for my mistake of not taking care of myself, more family problems really I don't know if I can continue to keep my sanity. My life took a turn with this, we need to shout all together to be heard. How far is hope? What did I do wrong for this punishment?

 

[JohnFox]

This is what I am badly lacking at the minute. I have lost my faith in God; a Higher Power; the Universe - whatever you want to call it which is strange for me because I am a firm believer in Universal Law.

I hear where your coming from, and I get it that it can be hard to believe in a caring God when we are experiencing something that brings us such misery. I still do believe in God in spite of all the misery. There has always been a lot of human misery before this scourge of T came upon myself and everyone else in here. If I believed in God before, then why would I stop now when that misery became more personal. Yes, we may be going through something that seems unbearable and can't understand why God would allow this to happen. We just don't understand. Is giving up belief in God really the right answer to,.. not understanding? Is a Godless universe going to make us feel better? My belief in God will continue to be sustained in spite of me too not understanding it all. There are many things I don't understand. That doesn't mean there isn't some reason or rhyme to it all. I guess what I am saying is that everything has some reason or purpose to it, and I don't think this whole thing just happened by accident. Yea, it seems crazy.. but I do believe in God. And I also believe that sometime I will understand the rhyme and reason for this.

 

[Jazzer]

@all to gain - and others.

This condition stinks!
It is total effing "SHIT !!!"

I will never minimise it or play it down.
If we don't speak the truth then why say anything at all?
But - given that we've got it - is there anything ?
- anything we can do to help us survive it better?

Meditation is not a cure - but it is a tool whereby we can gradually acclimatise ourselves to it, and begin at least to put it in the background.
My days are always noisy.
The volume does not vary.
Some days it feels like hell on earth.
Other days I just don't seem to care about it!

I'm telling you the literal truth folks.
I will never patronise or bullshit you.

If you can get the automatic tummy breathing right, and if you stay with it despite disappointment, over time, I honestly believe it will pay off for you.

(......er.....my opening sentence above is a bit graphic....I hereby apologise to any Sunday School teachers I may have offended by it.)
'I wish you all a good day'
(...tee..hee...)

Dave x
Jazzer

 

[all to gain]

Being exhausted both physically and mentally due to intense 24/7 torture, without the possibility to rest and recover is beyond inhumane.
If any of our pets had this affliction, we would put them down out of compassion.
Yet we are expected to carry on the same way as if we had just a sore back.

This feels like being raped over and over by my very own brain, who betrayed me in the most disgusting, callous way possible.

There comes a point, when the desire to punish and kill the rapist becomes stronger than desire to live.

Man, this sums it up!

 

[Lane]

My life is spiralling out of control.

@Allan1967 -- I'm truly sorry to hear what extraordinarily difficult times you're going through. -- I just got done making a fairly lengthy post on my experiences with St. John's Wort, and it occurred to me that some people on this thread might fight it interesting. Here's a LINK. -- All the Best...

 

[David S]

@David S do you still have reactive tinnitus? Were you able to reduce the reactivity?

Yes I do but it will fade over time. Every time I go and mess things up it will stay bad for at least 6 months. Slow progress is the mother of this beast...

 

[all to gain]

I just don't understand how people can live with this for 20 or more years. Damn, there's even a woman on here who has had it for 60 years. Imagine that! They must have some type of super hero mentality or something. I've had it 4 months and already have had enough.

 

[all to gain]

Maybe twenty minutes or so.
But five is better than nothing.
————————————
Understand completely.
I am old with time on my hands, but obviously remember the time when I had three kids at home, when it would have been impossible.

My own Tinnitus is a very loud high pitched hiss.
(Pressure cooker release valve.)

As it is high pitched, I tend to think of my peace as running deeper.
I walk around the park where I live every day.
I make sure that I have a soft mouth, and a hanging jaw.

*Never grind your teeth, by the way.
You will never relax that way.
Teeth should only ever close around food.
Become a 'Soft Mouthed Jaw Hanger.'

I walk to the gentle rhythm of my breathing.
Again I practice (thinking the mantra)
...deep-er....deep-er....deep-er....deep-er....

I also get myself off to sleep with
...deep-er....deep-er.....

There are plenty of meditational books that might help you too, of course.
Best wishes

Dave x
Jazzer

It is going to take some getting used to. I've always been a bit of a manic, fast walker.

Can I ask how old you are? PM if you don't want to post it here. Or just ignore me!!!

 

[Jazzer]

It is going to take some getting used to. I've always been a bit of a manic, fast walker.

Can I ask how old you are? PM if you don't want to post it here. Or just ignore me!!!

Oh sure ATG - you can ask me anything.
I am now 77 years old and fairly fit apart from 'T'.
Years ago I had psychotherapy to get over some early infantile depression.
I learnt meditation from an excellent teacher and do some every morning.
It helped me get used to my 'sounds' without fretting.
xx

 

[PeteJ]

I think it's ridiculous that I am still living. People tell me to hang on but don't know my situation. I feel like I explain but people ignore my posts because the automatic response is to post encouraging words.

I can't even eat properly now. My tinnitus is screaming every day and I have ear pain including my right ear being in pain the last few days. I feel like I am tortured all the time and think it's pointless being alive.

I can't get my brother to take my dog and it is making me feel worse than horrible trying to figure out how my dog can get a good home so I can commit suicide. It breaks my heart but I feel so tormented by this.

I don't know how anyone works with it like this. I can't believe that anyone does. I can't even enjoy watching tv because the fucking tinnitus is so loud and my ear is often in pain.

I hate not working but the buzzing/ringing and electrical noise as I describe it is just so intrusive. I hate living like this and my situation keeps getting worse and the tinnitus and ear pain remains more or less the same suffering every day. No one cares. My torture is invisible. I shouldn't live like this.

 

[Daniel Lion]

I think it's ridiculous that I am still living. People tell me to hang on but don't know my situation. I feel like I explain but people ignore my posts because the automatic response is to post encouraging words.

I can't even eat properly now. My tinnitus is screaming every day and I have ear pain including my right ear being in pain the last few days. I feel like I am tortured all the time and think it's pointless being alive.

I can't get my brother to take my dog and it is making me feel worse than horrible trying to figure out how my dog can get a good home so I can commit suicide. It breaks my heart but I feel so tormented by this.

I don't know how anyone works with it like this. I can't believe that anyone does. I can't even enjoy watching tv because the fucking tinnitus is so loud and my ear is often in pain.

I hate not working but the buzzing/ringing and electrical noise as I describe it is just so intrusive. I hate living like this and my situation keeps getting worse and the tinnitus and ear pain remains more or less the same suffering every day. No one cares. My torture is invisible. I shouldn't live like this.

I care, send me your address, I'll send you some "supplements"

Are you on psyche meds now? This is an important question that should be answered truthfully.

You are being tortured... I really sympathize. I am so sorry man.
It took me a little over a year just to get on my feet again.

Brain damage is a doozy, and it sounds like your doctors are useless.
Pound magnesium, eat salmon, exercise, take care of your dog.

Baby steps, this shit takes time...
Myself and many others fully sympathize and support you and want to help...
I don't ignore you... this forum is for you... to help you...

We care... don't doubt that.

 

[Daniel Lion]

Are you still stuck in that tube in vang vieng?

So my friend, you know about the tube... haha.

I actually wrote you an awesome post about beautiful vang vie g, but it got deleted or I screwed up somehow.
Another time brother, I'd love to share some stories about that majestic piece of land, the cool green water, the fish, the villagers living as they did 1000 years ago.

Another time... if you make it over... look me up... take care.

Love your avatar... is that you burning rubber?

 

[Allan1967]

This isn't suicide related as such (or maybe it is) but how do you deal with changes in tinnitus severity from day to day.

Yesterday my tinnitus was quiet, I spent the morning expecting it to ramp up, it didn't and by the evening I felt ok. I go to bed and now... this morning... my tinnitus is cranked right up again and immediately I know my whole day will be a struggle which often plunges me into suicidal thoughts and a sense of hopelessness.

How do you cope/habituate under these circumstances?

 

[Daniel Lion]

This isn't suicide related as such (or maybe it is) but how do you deal with changes in tinnitus severity from day to day.

Yesterday my tinnitus was quiet, I spent the morning expecting it to ramp up, it didn't and by the evening I felt ok. I go to bed and now... this morning... my tinnitus is cranked right up again and immediately I know my whole day will be a struggle which often plunges me into suicidal thoughts and a sense of hopelessness.

How do you cope/habituate under these circumstances?

Dude... you had a quiet day... that means you have hope.
Mine never changes... holy shit... saviour the quiet, thank god for those few hours...

Allan this clearly means you have hope of healing.
Stop the paranoia... smoking cigars... and all that shit.
Get in shape... do like fishbone, do like Jazzer.
You can beat this.

My tinnitus is an unchanging beast... you have hope.
Embrace hope, banish dark thoughts. Do push ups, do sit ups, get strong and fight...
You can do this man...
This is incredible news... I am so happy... you should be too...
Change your thinking... CBT I think they call it.

Just be positive and nice to yourself... and stop the cigars... the nicotine is a stressor.
Love you buddy.

 

[all to gain]

Oh sure ATG - you can ask me anything.
I am now 77 years old and fairly fit apart from 'T'.
Years ago I had psychotherapy to get over some early infantile depression.
I learnt meditation from an excellent teacher and do some every morning.
It helped me get used to my 'sounds' without fretting.
xx

I wish I were 77 right now and my kids grown up.

I just don't see how I'm going to get used to my sounds. Having OCD/OCPD makes things much worse, i.e. harder to deal with my loss of freedom due to tinnitus.

Still not sure I get the breathing thing.

 

[acute]

Imagining effective ways to take my life calms my anxiety. It calms me to think that it will stop ringing. Everything will end. I can do it.

My stupid psychiatrist wants me to take Sertraline, that is supposed to help me, it has frequent side effects "ringing in the ears". Great help.

 

[GregCA]

I just don't understand how people can live with this for 20 or more years. Damn, there's even a woman on here who has had it for 60 years. Imagine that! They must have some type of super hero mentality or something. I've had it 4 months and already have had enough.

I'm pretty sure she's had enough too.

 

[all to gain]

I'm pretty sure she's had enough too.

Yeah, i'm sure she has. She may have been able to get sued to it a bit easier as she was 6 when she got it. All the same, 60 years of this. Hell!

 

[Allan1967]

Dude... you had a quiet day... that means you have hope.
Mine never changes... holy shit... saviour the quiet, thank god for those few hours...

Allan this clearly means you have hope of healing.
Stop the paranoia... smoking cigars... and all that shit.
Get in shape... do like fishbone, do like Jazzer.
You can beat this.

My tinnitus is an unchanging beast... you have hope.
Embrace hope, banish dark thoughts. Do push ups, do sit ups, get strong and fight...
You can do this man...
This is incredible news... I am so happy... you should be too...
Change your thinking... CBT I think they call it.

Just be positive and nice to yourself... and stop the cigars... the nicotine is a stressor.
Love you buddy.

Daniel I thank you for your love but I just can't see a way to life the rest of my life in this state. Today is fcuking horrible day and it's driving me to absolute despair.

 

[all to gain]

Going over past events never helps, but i can't help it.

Asked the doctor three times about side effects, got told there are none three times, then 2 days later, BOOM, tinnitus.

I feel like I asked all the right questions but got all the wrong answers. Learnt never to put my trust 100% in professionals again. They are only human. But to say no to that question is criminal in my view. But doesn't change where I am now. Still, a very bitter pill to swallow. Life has totally changed for the worse due to it. So angry about it.

 

[jay777]

Love your avatar... is that you burning rubber?

Lol no bro that is the king of cool, I am the king of torture.

 

[Jazzer]

I wish I were 77 right now and my kids grown up.

I just don't see how I'm going to get used to my sounds. Having OCD/OCPD makes things much worse, i.e. harder to deal with my loss of freedom due to tinnitus.

Still not sure I get the breathing thing.

I have had "T" since age 50, but severely for 5 1/2 years.
Very loud and constant.
It devastates me.

Please don't think that I have not thought about what the impact would have been at a much younger age.
Just so complexly hateful.
I know - I understand.

All I can say is that meditation has helped me to acclimatise to it, and given me some measure of relief.
When somebody is in such obvious distress I have a dilemma.
Should I try to offer them something that has helped me - or just stay out of it ?

Telling you that I so sincerely feel for you does not help you much, does it.
Trying to encourage you to meditate may give you a degree of relief in the future, I don't know?

To simplify the breathing bit
- just lay still for a few minutes,
then ask your tummy to take over the breathing for you.
I so wish I could offer you something more.

Dave x
Jazzer

 

[Lane]

Having OCD/OCPD makes things much worse

Did you ever check out inositol for your OCD? The following article makes a compelling case for trying it. -- Best...

LISTENING TO INOSITOL: CLINICAL NOTES

 

[all to gain]

I have had "T" since age 50, but severely for 5 1/2 years.
Very loud and constant.
It devastates me.

Please don't think that I have not thought about what the impact would have been at a much younger age.
Just so complexly hateful.
I know - I understand.
Dave x
Jazzer

I got mine this year at 49 from a reaction to medication. It's left me devastated. I'm an older Dad with very young children, and it has ruined their lives because it has ruined mine. Being the happy and fun Dad has gone straight out the window.