Suicidal

[Johan001]

Same here. I'm overwhelmed with the emotions and although my suicidial ideation subsided previously, tonight my head was raging like crazy. I'm almost 4 months in, all noises are there, no change, only spikes... Will I ever habituate???

 

[dipp]

Knowing I can be out of here by the end of of the month with a few clicks is so tempting. Hyperacusis doesn't get better, tinnitus grows louder. I don't plan on being here much longer. Life is full of misery anyways, so mind as well end it now.

What do you mean by "with a few clicks"?

 

[GoatSheep]

What do you mean by "with a few clicks"?

Probably ordering stuff off the internet. I got all the pieces to form my "exit bag" from Amazon. Not to say I'm going to use it right now, but I have it when I need it.

Tinnitus is the least of my problems presently. My main tinnitus has improved in volume to manageable. However, reactivity is still horrible to where I barely go anywhere and I can't listen to music for more than a few minutes a day or talk on a phone without pain and spiking. Hyperacusis is constant with intermittent noxacusis, ear popping and pressurization problems drive me insane all day every day. I can take hardly any medications period without a spike. Same for the majority of supplements. Exercise spiking tinnitus makes exercise not enjoyable. Instead of being rewarded with feeling better I'm punished with louder tinnitus that then gives me higher stress for several hours. I've been on benzos that cause me horrible brain fog for over a year and the only reason I don't stop is I'm afraid it will make my tinnitus worsen. I'm just managing to take care of my three children and virtual school them all now during the pandemic so any disruption of that will cause upheaval of my life again just like it did when I first got tinnitus.

All treatment options seem hopeful for helping general tinnitus (not making light of it, I had 10/10 tinnitus in the beginning and I don't know how I made it through without killing myself till I got benzos), but the array of other problems I have there's no discussion of or trialing for by the pharmaceutical companies. Only some talk on here of the hope it will help these other indications.

Sorry for the tangent.

 

[dipp]

Probably ordering stuff off the internet. I got all the pieces to form my "exit bag" from Amazon. Not to say I'm going to use it right now, but I have it when I need it.

Tinnitus is the least of my problems presently. My main tinnitus has improved in volume to manageable. However, reactivity is still horrible to where I barely go anywhere and I can't listen to music for more than a few minutes a day or talk on a phone without pain and spiking. Hyperacusis is better but constant noxacusis, ear popping and pressurization problems drive me insane all day every day. I can take hardly any medications period without a spike. Same for the majority of supplements. Exercise spiking tinnitus makes exercise not enjoyable. Instead of being rewarded with feeling better I'm punished with louder tinnitus that then gives me higher stress for several hours. I've been on benzos that cause me horrible brain fog for over a year and the only reason I don't stop is I'm afraid it will make my tinnitus worsen. I'm just managing to take care of my three children and virtual school them all now during the pandemic so any disruption of that will cause upheaval of my life again just like it did when I first got tinnitus.

All treatment options seem hopeful for helping general tinnitus (not making light of it, I had 10/10 tinnitus in the beginning and I don't know how I made it through without killing myself till I got benzos), but the array of other problems I have there's no discussion of or trialing for by the pharmaceutical companies. Only some talk on here of the hope it will help these other indications.

Sorry for the tangent.

Please be strong. I hope the best for you.

The info for getting that exit bag is on a famous pdf that you have to pay for, right? I don't know how you do it, but I'm worried about the efficacy of the method. Anyway I'd like to know more about this method in case that I need it, but I also would travel to Switzerland to get an assisted suicide.

 

[Kpikid]

Your situation could be worse. You could be blind or have no arms or legs and still have tinnitus. The tinnitus loves attention. Stop giving in.

The more you concentrate on it the louder it gets. Hypercausis sucks but your hearing does improve remarkably after the incident that caused it.

You cannot escape it. It is with you for life and it only gets louder. I used to work at war pensions. Those who served and was near loud explosions got tinnitus. Those guys and gals lived to their late 80's and still got on with life. Why don't you deal with it?

Think of it as a friend and maybe it will subside. Anyone can commit suicide and it is a brave thing to do, but so is living with an impairment. I play video games to keep my mind off tinnitus.

I'm going slowly deaf with acoustic shock.

Soon I won't hear anything except the jet turbines on 100% going off in my head. You can get used to anything, like a bad smell. I think when I go totally deaf, then my tinnitus problem will resolve itself.

I will still be here through, through it all.

 

[dan]

@Kpikid what kind of sounds do you have in your ears/head?
Did you get used to it like a bad smell? So why did you say the below, you go on sleep deprivation and use tranquilizers?

Twelve years on my tinnitus is beyond belief and it screams in my head. The only solace is tranquilizers or long sleep deprivation. I have resolved most of the ambient noise with ocean sounds or rain drops on windows music tracks you can find on Deezer.

 

[Orions Pain]

I wish I had my supplies. I want out. I'd do it tonight but impulse decisions usually fail. I wish I could just euthanize myself and fall asleep and escape this hell.

 

[ajc]

This was my promise. If any member of Tinnitus Talk had done something similar, we wouldn't be in this situation now.

No offense, but you used some kind of animated character with fake computer generated voice? Your video lacked any emotional punch.

Why didn't you film yourself?

@Jazzer's video was emotionally gripping.

 

[BrStan@]

No offense, but you used some kind of animated character with fake computer generated voice? Your video lacked any emotional punch.

Why didn't you film yourself?

@Jazzer's video was emotionally gripping.

I removed it. I agree it would have a bigger impact if I was filming myself.

 

[Jazzer]

I removed it. I agree it would have a bigger impact if I was filming myself.

BrStan - I don't get it.
What's going on?

 

[BrStan@]

BrStan - I don't get it.
What's going on?

I made a video to create awareness but it was not a good one. I need to do another, better one.

 

[Jazzer]

I made a video to create awareness but it was not a good one. I need to do another, better one.

Not an easy job Stan.
Best wishes,
Dave xx

 

[GBB]

The volume went up and down in the first few months. The sound changed several times too... It was very volatile... and often became more intrusive after new exposure to noise or even after my state of mind deteriorated.

After about 6 months... the clear tone beep in my ear changed into a wooshing hiss that I can best describe as being in my head. Sometimes when stressed or after exposure to noise I hear the hissing with a faint tone on top, but the tone goes away after while.

I did get habituated, so now I can only hear the hiss in a quiet environment...

And even then, if I don't actively pay attention to it, my only emotional reaction to the sound is: "ah right, it's still there."

I reached this level of acceptance (or habituation if you will) only after a year. And with a few weeks of therapeutic help along the way... it was either acceptance or losing my mind. It took me time, but I'm glad I chose the first option in the end.

Hang in there!

ps: I agree with Bill Bauer on giving it time.

This sounds like the most beautiful thing on earth. I'd give my life savings for a whooosh.

 

[Stu1983]

FX-322 will become a meme. Just another scam on a long list.

Hi Pete, I hope you're well. Do you have any reasons to support that statement? Generally curious.

 

[dan]

This sounds like the most beautiful thing on earth. I'd give my life savings for a whooosh.

...and I wish I could grant your wish )))

 

[dan]

Does anybody with very severe tinnitus feel like ejaculation is the only good thing left in life?

 

[Rogi Cetpla]

I removed it. I agree it would have a bigger impact if I was filming myself.

Hi BrStan@,

I actually had time to view it and found it well done... and definitely better than not having it at all.

Any type of information and viewpoint on this relentless hell is welcome.

Wishing you all the best,
Rogi

 

[dan]

Hi Pete, I hope you're well. Do you have any reasons to support that statement? Generally curious.

It's desperation talking and the fact that every single "cure" in the history of tinnitus has been shot down into a huge fireball.

 

[jasonbourne]

Does anybody with very severe tinnitus feel like ejaculation is the only good thing left in life?

No because I have severe depression as a result of tinnitus and ejaculating doesn't feel that good anymore.

 

[PeteJ]

My left ear is in so much pain. I don't understand how it's just one ear. It's frequently in pain but today it was an acoustic trauma. A ****ing smoke alarm. Why?!?

The tinnitus spike is even worse. Different but somehow worse.

I really wish I bought an exit bag. I was planning to buy one. But, I am running out of money. I can't get disability (yet?).

I am too afraid of messing up an attempted hanging and when my tinnitus is screaming at this volume, it's very difficult to concentrate. I wish I could pay someone to help.

Does anyone have any experience with smoke alarms and with spikes afterwards? I can't take any permanent worsening of this. :-(

It's 3 am now and I can't sleep. I don't want to live anymore. If researchers want my piece of shit ears, I'll gladly donate them - if it helps in any way. I hate this.

We are supposed to be compassionate and caring people and we as humans forced that poor woman in the Netherlands suffer until she was allowed to end her suffering.

 

[dan]

Does anyone have any experience with smoke alarms and with spikes afterwards? I can't take any permanent worsening of this. :-(

I do. I got hit with a loud car honk at 50ft and my ear pain is back again and possibly perm increase

I wish I could pay someone to help.

I used to wish Dr.Kavorkian would help me, I also had ear pain for 1.5 years, then I habituated, you might too, you never know...this is your first round with severe tinnitus, this is my second.

A ****ing smoke alarm. Why?!?

in an ideal situation we're supposed to live on a farm out in Saskatchewan where the loudest thing could be a goat or the occasional thunderclap.

 

[Capstan]

I used to wish Dr.Kavorkian would help me, I also had ear pain for 1.5 years, then I habituated, you might too, you never know...this is your first round with severe tinnitus, this is my second.

Dan, did your ear pain resolve the first time or just habituated to it? I'm at the point of accepting severe tinnitus but struggling with ear pain... Is there hope here?

 

[dan]

Dan, did your ear pain resolve the first time or just habituated to it? I'm at the point of accepting severe tinnitus but struggling with ear pain... Is there hope here?

It resolved... mind you it didn't hurt 24/7, but certain periods during the day... like I'd get a sudden stabbing sensation, burning, my ears got red, etc... they didn't hurt at night. This went on I guess over a year since the tinnitus onset.

You have severe tinnitus? How many sounds? Is it loud?

 

[Capstan]

It resolved... mind you it didn't hurt 24/7, but certain periods during the day... like I'd get a sudden stabbing sensation, burning, my ears got red, etc... they didn't hurt at night. This went on I guess over a year since the tinnitus onset.

You have severe tinnitus? How many sounds? Is it loud?

Yes, I have several sounds that constantly change. It can be so loud that it's hard to hear over top it. It's like you say, I still hear other stuff since it's at a different frequency. I get fullness from time to time too. It gets pretty bad, especially when adding in the ear pain.

My tinnitus gets louder in loud environments and with certain frequencies. It's ultra high pitch and piercing, often sounds like electricity and sometimes like it is surging. There's also something that sounds like a grinder in the center of my head, but fortunately that has gotten quieter with time.

From what you and Pete describe, I'd say I'm pretty close to you guys, but would give anything not to be in that club, yet sadly here I am.

 

[bobvann]

my ears got red

I have had this happen as well. I thought I was being delusional...

 

[PeteJ]

Yes, I have several sounds that constantly change. It can be so loud that it's hard to hear over top it. It's like you say, I still hear other stuff since it's at a different frequency. I get fullness from time to time too. It gets pretty bad, especially when adding in the ear pain.

My tinnitus gets louder in loud environments and with certain frequencies. It's ultra high pitch and piercing, often sounds like electricity and sometimes like it is surging. There's also something that sounds like a grinder in the center of my head, but fortunately that has gotten quieter with time.

From what you and Pete describe, I'd say I'm pretty close to you guys, but would give anything not to be in that club, yet sadly here I am.

Yeah, it's similar enough. I describe my tinnitus as several tones, some are slightly different so maybe a variable pitch and/or frequency but they're all quite high.

What they sound like is an electrical noise or *really* sped up maracas combined with cicadas sound. Something like that. Just constant. :-(

 

[dan]

I live without being able to sleep. I spend almost no sleep a whole night, the next night I sleep a little more because of how tired and exhausted I feel. But the next night it is impossible to sleep again. Its like this all the time. This fucking sounds are so loud.

Has your sleep improved?

 

[PeteJ]

If you think your tinnitus is louder than mild/moderate (i.e. several and unbelievably loud), how do you handle it? How do you live day to day? What do you do?

I think it's rare to be that bad and I read a lot of humor on here, people work and they travel. That's impossible for me now.

I have said this before but I wish I lived in a liberal gun state in the USA, maybe Texas. I think it would be easier to get a gun to use on myself than to plan something in Canada.

I hate living like this. I am alone but I don't think I can ever be around someone now. I am resigned to it but it's miserable. I think severe tinnitus is pretty much the worst thing there is. It's not natural for humans to have such loud ringing in their ears or brain.

I know people in real life who have mild tinnitus. There's a volume or severity that is no longer tolerable. That's my belief. From what I see with my own eyes and from what I read.

At a high enough volume, it cripples and tortures people. I don't see how Frequency Therapeutics or the research groups can treat it at that severity. So, it's hopeless, right? I think it is.

 

[Born To Slay]

If you think your tinnitus is louder than mild/moderate (i.e. several and unbelievably loud), how do you handle it? How do you live day to day? What do you do?

I think it's rare to be that bad and I read a lot of humor on here, people work and they travel. That's impossible for me now.

I have said this before but I wish I lived in a liberal gun state in the USA, maybe Texas. I think it would be easier to get a gun to use on myself than to plan something in Canada.

I hate living like this. I am alone but I don't think I can ever be around someone now. I am resigned to it but it's miserable. I think severe tinnitus is pretty much the worst thing there is. It's not natural for humans to have such loud ringing in their ears or brain.

I know people in real life who have mild tinnitus. There's a volume or severity that is no longer tolerable. That's my belief. From what I see with my own eyes and from what I read.

At a high enough volume, it cripples and tortures people. I don't see how Frequency Therapeutics or the research groups can treat it at that severity. So, it's hopeless, right? I think it is.

I disagree with you that your severity can't be treated. Three different methods are being brought to market soon. You have FX-322 for hair cells, OTO-413 for synapses and you have new Retigabine working the potassium channels in the brain. These things could all be here as soon as late next year (except OTO-413, I don't see that happening that fast). My point is that regardless of the cause, you are going to be able to be treated and even if it's a mix of causes, you are going to be able to be treated.

I really empathize with your situation. I used to love traveling and listening to music. My life dream is actually take a bus across America and Europe. Hyperacusis has taken that away for now and it's very sad but I just think about how it's not forever and I'm going to live another 80 years of life and it'll only have been a year or two that I had to suffer this of that long time. We're going to get thru this Pete, please don't kill yourself. You are going to have a lot of years to live tinnitus and hyperacusis free. We all will. We're going to be saved buddy.

 

[GBB]

If you think your tinnitus is louder than mild/moderate (i.e. several and unbelievably loud), how do you handle it? How do you live day to day? What do you do?

I think it's rare to be that bad and I read a lot of humor on here, people work and they travel. That's impossible for me now.

I have said this before but I wish I lived in a liberal gun state in the USA, maybe Texas. I think it would be easier to get a gun to use on myself than to plan something in Canada.

I hate living like this. I am alone but I don't think I can ever be around someone now. I am resigned to it but it's miserable. I think severe tinnitus is pretty much the worst thing there is. It's not natural for humans to have such loud ringing in their ears or brain.

I know people in real life who have mild tinnitus. There's a volume or severity that is no longer tolerable. That's my belief. From what I see with my own eyes and from what I read.

At a high enough volume, it cripples and tortures people. I don't see how Frequency Therapeutics or the research groups can treat it at that severity. So, it's hopeless, right? I think it is.

I feel the same - if I am indoors it's literally like torture. Sometimes I see posts written carefully and coherently on here with wit and humor thrown in, and I question how people have the composure. I can only type as I am outside. It makes me feel shitty because I literally am on the edge off functioning - I assume from this mine must be severe.

I would love to "reclaim" some spaces inside my house hence I am trying lots of things most people won't (lasers, peptides etc...). It makes me really angry when I read "success stories" where nothing changed except the person decided they can handle it now - this is not possible for me and while I applaud the good fortune of those posters, at the same time it is almost farcically stupid.