Suicidal

[Matchbox]

I truly understand this. I live near an operational air base and F-15's are rattling the sky every few minutes, on some days less action and on others there is non stop noise and my tinnitus which is already severe reacts to this.

Well is working in a noisy/semi-noisy café dangerous? How big of a mistake is that? Probably my biggest one lol.

I agree with you regarding the ignorance of tinnitus, everybody knows hearing loss can result from noise exposure but never did I hear or know about tinnitus.

As someone with severe hearing problems (can only understand face to face in quiet setting, anything else i hear is mumbling or consonants) that are unexplained by normal and extended audiometry, DPOAEs, ABR, brain MRI - this extent of hearing loss is more disabling than my severe tinnitus, you have no idea how it impairs cognitive function and everything you do daily that you consider normal. For others here that would take hearing loss over tinnitus, I guarantee you that you really won't if you knew how debilitating it is, and I have both that are severe so I'm not biased on this.

It probably really depends.

My hearing loss was a flat out, can't hear in one ear, however I had the other ear to make up for it, everything sounded like mumbling and very quiet. It wasn't so selective as certain vowels just disappear. I get beeps over certain speech but I personally still "get" what's being said.

Just my own comparison here, I'd have taken that instead of my tinnitus. That said a hearing aid would've worked for me and mine eventually rehealed (blew my eardrum away, needed reconstruction/grafts).

 

[Tezcatlipoca]

If it helps, I once had a horrible tinnitus spike, complete with new noises, that lasted about 5 months. I thought I was stuck with it, but then it went away completely and has never come back. Spikes can last a surprisingly long time, and it seems to me that tinnitus fluctuates a lot in the first few years, before eventually settling down. So please don't assume you are stuck with this new noise.

Thank you so much for posting this. I'm going through a really rough patch and this is exactly my situation atm.

 

[Tanni]

Thank you so much for posting this. I'm going through a really rough patch and this is exactly my situation atm.

No worries, Tezcatlipoca. When I'm going through a spike it really helps me to look through the forum and check how many people have reported that their spikes were temporary. They almost always are. There have even been some polls on here that have shown that spikes can last a surprisingly long time, but again almost always subside. This is especially common in the first few years, when tinnitus is still new.

I hope this rough patch is over for you soon.

 

[Forever hopeful]

I feel like I'm on my limit too, It's been months since I've last had a decent night of sleep. I get ringing on both ears if I rest them on a pillow. Nothing masks it. I'm going insane. It's 3:19 AM and I don't know what to do.

Have you tried a sound pillow? I have found that to be very, very helpful as I am a side sleeper. You can choose from a variety of sounds that you want to listen to from music to nature sounds. So when you put your head on the pillow you'll be distracted by a noise that should comfort you and help you go to sleep versus listening to your tinnitus.

Just a thought.

 

[TheDanishGirl]

It seems I only have two moods now: indifferent to everything around me and pained or furious and crying. I wish a car would just hit me already and take me out of my misery.

 

[roy1159]

The last thing I'm really going to try is the jaw surgery, albeit I know it will probably have no effect on hearing problems and the tinnitus. I feel like I have turned senile from months of not understanding speech 95% of the time and the severe tinnitus - can't remember what I did 2 seconds ago let alone take part in cognitively demanding tasks, my young brain deteriorated so fast I feel like an old man cognitively.

It's just pointless staying alive if I won't get better, it's just a miserable existence - I don't have 5% of the quality of life I used to have, I feel bad for saying this but I can't be disabled like this anymore. I won't compromise with a pointless existence at 21 - this is anything but life. I have had enough days like this drifting through life doing nothing but to realize I actually won't last longer existing like this.

F*** my cursed life, really wish I had another choice.

 

[Ed209]

It seems I only have two moods now: indifferent to everything around me and pained or furious and crying. I wish a car would just hit me already and take me out of my misery.

Have you ever tried taking Kratom? I'm not suggesting you do, as I have no experience of using it, and I'm not a Dr, but a friend of mine swears by it for helping with anxiety and depression.

If you're really that low, it might be worth a shot. You can buy it online. This is where my friend gets his:

https://www.kraatje.eu/contents/en-us/p4_Green_Malay_Kratom.html

Just make sure it's legal in your country if you do.

EDIT, I just read some of the reviews and this was at the top:

You may also find this article of interest (only just read it myself):

https://www.forbes.com/sites/davidk...o-use-the-botanical-medicine/?sh=661cd8f09ab0

 

[TheDanishGirl]

Have you ever tried taking Kratom? I'm not suggesting you do, as I have no experience of using it, and I'm not a Dr, but a friend of mine swears by it for helping with anxiety and depression.

If you're really that low, it might be worth a shot. You can buy it online. This is where my friend gets his:

https://www.kraatje.eu/contents/en-us/p4_Green_Malay_Kratom.html

Just make sure it's legal in your country if you do.

EDIT, I just read some of the reviews and this was at the top:

View attachment 44761

You may also find this article of interest (only just read it myself):

https://www.forbes.com/sites/davidk...o-use-the-botanical-medicine/?sh=661cd8f09ab0

Thank you for the tip. Sounds like a wonder drug. Sadly I found (googled it) it's illegal in my country, so there is probably no way for me obtain it.

God I hate the government.

 

[Lukee]

The last thing I'm really going to try is the jaw surgery, albeit I know it will probably have no effect on hearing problems and the tinnitus. I feel like I have turned senile from months of not understanding speech 95% of the time and the severe tinnitus - can't remember what I did 2 seconds ago let alone take part in cognitively demanding tasks, my young brain deteriorated so fast I feel like an old man cognitively.

It's just pointless staying alive if I won't get better, it's just a miserable existence - I don't have 5% of the quality of life I used to have, I feel bad for saying this but I can't be disabled like this anymore. I won't compromise with a pointless existence at 21 - this is anything but life. I have had enough days like this drifting through life doing nothing but to realize I actually won't last longer existing like this.

F*** my cursed life, really wish I had another choice.

Glad to hear you're at least trying something. I'd go all out. All the steroids possible, Ketamine, Kratom, Psilocybin, inject anything into my ear. Also LDN just based on your story. Try it since you literally have nothing to lose.

 

[Zugzug]

I'm a part of a torture simulation. I hope I'm at least providing good data.

 

[GBB]

I'm a part of a torture simulation. I hope I'm at least providing good data.

Same. Exhaaaauuuuustting.

 

[Chinmoku]

I'm a part of a torture simulation. I hope I'm at least providing good data.

Same here. Worse and worse. This level of torture is unreal.

 

[roy1159]

What keeps me somewhat sane these days is the fact that I won't have to survive like this any longer than 2 weeks, I only have to try the jaw surgery. I have already set a date and a method for my departure.

I can accept having to end my life if this means I won't live a life of full dysfunction because of baffling severe hearing problems and the unbearable tinnitus.

Stupid fragile life, fell apart at age 21 because I worked at a café... What a joke.

 

[Kriszti]

What keeps me somewhat sane these days is the fact that I won't have to survive like this any longer than 2 weeks, I only have to try the jaw surgery. I have already set a date and a method for my departure.

I can accept having to end my life if this means I won't live a life of full dysfunction because of baffling severe hearing problems and the unbearable tinnitus.

Stupid fragile life, fell apart at age 21 because I worked at a café... What a joke.

Are you sure that you will see results right after the jaw surgery (or 2 weeks after the surgery if that's the waiting time you've set up for yourself)? Maybe it takes more time to see any positive effect?

 

[Forever hopeful]

What keeps me somewhat sane these days is the fact that I won't have to survive like this any longer than 2 weeks, I only have to try the jaw surgery. I have already set a date and a method for my departure.

I can accept having to end my life if this means I won't live a life of full dysfunction because of baffling severe hearing problems and the unbearable tinnitus.

Stupid fragile life, fell apart at age 21 because I worked at a café... What a joke.

Roy,

It breaks my heart to read your posts. I feel so bad that you feel your only option is to end your life, but I would never presume to know your situation or the depths of your suffering. As a parent, I can imagine how devastated your parents must be as well.

I agree with Kriszti that perhaps it may take longer for you to see if your jaw surgery leads to some improvement. Surgeries take a while to recover from.

 

[AliasM]

No one is taking my data. Pisses me off. No one seems to really be taking any data off of anyone. If somebody took some data off someone, maybe we would at least have some best practice evidence based guidelines for our condition that isn't self talk nonsense.

My baseline increased again 3 weeks ago. I told my husband that I am applying to Pegasus. I dont have his support, and he will not come with me, but he sees I am suffering so won't stand in my way. At least if I get accepted it will stop me from making some irreversable heat of the moment decision on one of my mainly bad days. I look at all my prescription medication everyday and imagine it all going down my neck at once. Being accepted though my date would need to be at least a year out because, not kidding, we can't actually really leave Australia at the moment. Borders are tight in and out. It would give me a year though to soldier on knowing that a peaceful humane option is available to me at the end if things didn't significantly improve. If they do, only a few grand lost and I can afford it.

If I don't get accepted I am pretty scared of what I may be capable of. I don't actually want to die. I just can't live like this and I've had enough of the torture and the suffering. I know my case isn't typical. I read Tinnitus pages and I relate to no one. Every hour out of 24 in each day is a struggle with my ears, including the ones we are meant to be asleep.

 

[Gary Pitts]

Have you tried a sound pillow? I have found that to be very, very helpful as I am a side sleeper. You can choose from a variety of sounds that you want to listen to from music to nature sounds. So when you put your head on the pillow you'll be distracted by a noise that should comfort you and help you go to sleep versus listening to your tinnitus.

Just a thought.

Bose Sleepbuds II are a wonderful noise distraction at night. They have white, pink, and brown noise along with other nature and/or distracting sounds and stay in your ear all night without falling out. I like mine a lot.

 

[Lurius]

Bose Sleepbuds II are a wonderful noise distraction at night. They have white, pink, and brown noise along with other nature and/or distracting sounds and stay in your ear all night without falling out. I like mine a lot.

Haha, I actually bought those things in 2018 and the Buetooth was so fucked up, I wasn't able to use them 90% of the time. Returned them and after a veeeery long process, I got my money back. But I admit, they were nice when they worked. The "crackling bonfire" sound especially.

 

[Zugzug]

What keeps me somewhat sane these days is the fact that I won't have to survive like this any longer than 2 weeks, I only have to try the jaw surgery. I have already set a date and a method for my departure.

I can accept having to end my life if this means I won't live a life of full dysfunction because of baffling severe hearing problems and the unbearable tinnitus.

Stupid fragile life, fell apart at age 21 because I worked at a café... What a joke.

I will be absolutely damned if your problems are from the cafe. Possible, but I'll be damned. You wore earplugs.

 

[ajc]

I actually bought those things in 2018

Gary Pitts referred to Bose Sleepbuds II, which were released in October 2020. You couldn't have bought the II in 2018.

You had the original Sleepbuds which sucked. Sleepbuds II are better.

 

[Backpacker]

When I took a month off to let it heal it very slowly got better but at that rate it would take years. My depression was absolutely terrible. The gym helps so much.

If the gym means so much to you, you can ride a gym bike (in a way any average person would ride it, not pushing the limits) and walk on the treadmill (not run, because bouncing/jarring movements are not good for you if you have PLF symptoms) and still not interrupt the healing. These are the only non-strenuous activities I can think of, but if you have any other options that do not involve a temporary increase in intracranial pressure, OK. The most dangerous activities for you would be push-ups and plunks, and as you know, lifting heavy weights. Although the word heavy doesn't mean the same for every person, you should keep in mind everything heavier than a chair is not something you should lift while you are trying to heal, and if you have to lift something, do it standing, don't lift anything heavy above your head. If you stick to these restrictions, you are not likely to interrupt the healing.

I talked to 5 ENTs who had patients with fistulas, they all said their patients were falling and stumbling everywhere, and were throwing up. And I know I don't really trust ENTs but it makes sense.

Misleading. Severe PLF cases usually show objective symptoms. You have to do your own research. What they are saying is absolutely true for severe cases, and yet misleading. They are conflating the PLF diagnosis with PLF surgery suggestion as if everyone who got a PLF diagnosis got a suggestion for a surgery.

 

[MrCrybaby]

@roy1159, what are your jaw problems? What surgery are you pursuing?

 

[Forever hopeful]

Bose Sleepbuds II are a wonderful noise distraction at night. They have white, pink, and brown noise along with other nature and/or distracting sounds and stay in your ear all night without falling out. I like mine a lot.

I've absolutely considered those. The problem is I've become so spooked about using any kind of earbuds or headphones. There's a lot of debate shall we say, on this site about their contribution to hearing loss. It stinks too at the gym when I want to listen to music.

 

[roy1159]

Are you sure that you will see results right after the jaw surgery (or 2 weeks after the surgery if that's the waiting time you've set up for yourself)? Maybe it takes more time to see any positive effect?

It will take up to a week and the surgery is next Thursday. It probably won't affect the tinnitus let alone the hearing problems but it's the only thing left to try.

Roy,

It breaks my heart to read your posts. I feel so bad that you feel your only option is to end your life, but I would never presume to know your situation or the depths of your suffering. As a parent, I can imagine how devastated your parents must be as well.

I agree with Kriszti that perhaps it may take longer for you to see if your jaw surgery leads to some improvement. Surgeries take a while to recover from.

My parents are already devastated, they are tired of dealing with my hopeless situation and my futile existence - they don't want anything to do with me anymore. I really am just a burden on them and in general. I wish my case would allow me to return to normal life, but as I explained in previous posts it leaves me too dysfunctional to even have 5% of normal quality of life - it really couldn't be any worse.

I will be absolutely damned if your problems are from the cafe. Possible, but I'll be damned. You wore earplugs.

Well I don't know if I stated this before but I started using earplugs in the café only after the tinnitus onset, but the severe hearing problems appeared after the tinnitus onset - 4 months of part time work (with earplugs) and being in total silence when off work, it can't get more bizarre than this. Even the Professor of Audiology I met was baffled and ordered Auditory Processing Tests so she can get the full picture regarding my hearing problems. What are the odds.

@roy1159, what are your jaw problems? What surgery are you pursuing?

I have Condylar Hyperplasia which means my right TMJ outgrows my left one, which causes facial asymmetry and serious TMJ dysfunction. Now the TMJ is still growing after it ceased and that's why I need to have Condylectomy to remove part of it and thus stop the growth and return TMJ function. It probably won't affect my tinnitus let alone my hearing problems but it doesn't hurt to try, it's my last ditch effort really.

 

[MrCrybaby]

It will take up to a week and the surgery is next Thursday. It probably won't affect the tinnitus let alone the hearing problems but it's the only thing left to try.

My parents are already devastated, they are tired of dealing with my hopeless situation and my futile existence - they don't want anything to do with me anymore. I really am just a burden on them and in general. I wish my case would allow me to return to normal life, but as I explained in previous posts it leaves me too dysfunctional to even have 5% of normal quality of life - it really couldn't be any worse.

Well I don't know if I stated this before but I started using earplugs in the café only after the tinnitus onset, but the severe hearing problems appeared after the tinnitus onset - 4 months of part time work (with earplugs) and being in total silence when off work, it can't get more bizarre than this. Even the Professor of Audiology I met was baffled and ordered Auditory Processing Tests so she can get the full picture regarding my hearing problems. What are the odds.

I have Condylar Hyperplasia which means my right TMJ outgrows my left one, which causes facial asymmetry and serious TMJ dysfunction. Now the TMJ is still growing after it ceased and that's why I need to have Condylectomy to remove part of it and thus stop the growth and return TMJ function. It probably won't affect my tinnitus let alone my hearing problems but it doesn't hurt to try, it's my last ditch effort really.

The TMJ joint can actually have a HUGE impact on tinnitus and even hyperacusis. I think that surgery is a reasonable last ditch effort. I wish you luck

 

[Brian Newman]

If the gym means so much to you, you can ride a gym bike (in a way any average person would ride it, not pushing the limits) and walk on the treadmill (not run, because bouncing/jarring movements are not good for you if you have PLF symptoms) and still not interrupt the healing. These are the only non-strenuous activities I can think of, but if you have any other options that do not involve a temporary increase in intracranial pressure, OK. The most dangerous activities for you would be push-ups and plunks, and as you know, lifting heavy weights. Although the word heavy doesn't mean the same for every person, you should keep in mind everything heavier than a chair is not something you should lift while you are trying to heal, and if you have to lift something, do it standing, don't lift anything heavy above your head. If you stick to these restrictions, you are not likely to interrupt the healing.

Misleading. Severe PLF cases usually show objective symptoms. You have to do your own research. What they are saying is absolutely true for severe cases, and yet misleading. They are conflating the PLF diagnosis with PLF surgery suggestion as if everyone who got a PLF diagnosis got a suggestion for a surgery.

View attachment 44774

View attachment 44775

Yes, I will just take it easy for a few months and see if things get better. Hopefully it will heal on its own.

 

[Autumnwillows]

@Tanni, thank you hunnie.

I'm certainly going to try my best. Went home this weekend and was lovely but now I have a vibrating echo every time I speak or someone else is speaking! In my left ear, really horrible feeling.

Just can't make this stuff up sometimes, had mini break down and just popping the Propranolol to keep me semi sane.

And doing the whole bargaining with nobody to just let me have my original noise back.

Thank you for letting me know about what you've used in past. I've spoken frankly to my doctor and was also referred to mental health but have been told they can't help and to ring BTA for advice. To be honest, I'm not sure I'm going to ask for anymore help. I might have stood a chance if in a stable place at home and in life but all of it overwhelms me.

Oh and to add to the lovely pile, I've got to move out of where I'm staying by August, so as for now my plan stands. Summer with kids as best I can, book a place to stay when I have to move and see what September brings. I will continue to hold out hope for improvements.

 

[ajc]

to ring BTA for advice.

Might want to skip that. Read this experience of calling BTA helpline.

None of those helpline workers have tinnitus, they have no clue what it is like.

 

[Autumnwillows]

@ajc, it's ok, they lost me at the guy on the website saying how much their bloody information booklet helped him and to ignore it. I'm thrilled for him but if the stuff that's been used helped me, I wouldn't have been at the doctor begging for help lol.

 

[Zugzug]

My wife left me and even though I have a diagnosis, all of my potential disability lawyers are running for the hills. They don't want to touch my case, as they view it as too challenging and therefore, not profitable for them. LOL, cool story bro. #SocialistState

I'm like breaking all of the codes because my situation is so rare. Fun times...

Hats I've had to wear over the past two years: Scientist and my own doctor. What the hell, let's add a law degree...