Tinnitus and Denial — I Cannot Believe How Bad This Is

[Zud]

For at these the last several years I've been experiencing tinnitus due to noise exposure. I'm starting to understand I've been in denial. I cannot believe how bad this is. I've been terribly irresponsible and ruined my hearing through my own actions. I've tried to drink heavily on it and hide away from it but the truth is it's here to stay.

I want to face up to it but I don't know what to do. I am so miserable and I keep crying. This is life now and there's no going back. I want to face up to my irresponsibility. But it's too late now.

Last night I was talking to an outreach service about killing myself. It's amazing how bad something can be.

I'd give everything I own to live in peace. But there's no way back. I know there's no cure or treatment. I am so stupid and I am so miserable.

How can you come to terms with this. How am I going to live now. How do I live with myself. Life is never going to be the same.

 

[MRItechssuck]

If you feel overwhelmed, I'm glad you talked to an outreach service. We've all made mistakes, and people have made mistakes to us. Either way, we are left with our current situation.

I couldn't hear this morning because the tinnitus was so loud. But I could get up, put my maskers on, walk... talk... etc. Blaming yourself, or anyone....wont fix the situation.

Research what trials are currently going on... maybe you could apply for one. Help yourself... stay busy.

Life will never be the same... so what are your options... not have a life... or use the life you have left for good?

Good luck.

 

[Zud]

Thanks. I respect the situation is not fixable, I have just had a terrible time of accepting it and probably done more damage in the meantime. I simply can't deal with this as reality. It's like my life is over. I dread every moment and every minute. It's been years and I've only just got to the point where I'm seeing the situation and I know I can't process it. This is too bad for me to cope with. Sorry if this sounds negative but this is the way I feel.

 

[MRItechssuck]

We have all been there, and some days I am there again.

Just hang in there the best you can.

 

[Trudy in Tucson]

Zud, every time I get a bad spike (like now) I feel suicidal. This has been the worst crap I've ever been dealt, and has seriously impacted on my life. I know you feel bad as you feel like you caused it yourself. Me, I don't know what caused mine. I've had it for 30 years but it never became a bad problem and there were years at a time I didn't experience it at all. Then last may, BOOM. I was suicidal and felt like I was going out of my mind. I went on effexor which helped but...I don't know what the cause of mine is. I read on the computer every single day for hours to try to find the cause: vitamin deficiency, neck and shoulder stress, emotional stress, who the hell knows. It drives me crazy that I can't determine what is causing it so I can fix it. I am trying everything there is: vitamins, lipoflavinoids (been on them 1 week and had a spike but it probably isn't due to them), habituation etc. some days it is so loud I feel like screaming, and I do cry a lot. I was drinking way too much also, before the demon T came back. I stopped immediately. the only good thing about T was that I stopped drinking. i think I would have ended up in the betty ford clinic if I kept drinking. I recently read "Back to silence" on this forum. I actually tried it last night and this morning and believe it or not it helped, but then my spike went up to screaming. So I'm going to try everything. BTW I wrote an article for the american tinnitus association national magazine, coming out in the spring, it's very raw and honest. The editor named it "From Perfect health to Thoughts of Suicide." You get the drift. Just want you to know you are not alone, so many of us feel exactly the way you do. I keep listing all the terrible things people have, physical ailments and such...but it doesn't help. Why cant they just come out with a cure dammit!!

 

[Bill Bauer]

ruined my hearing through my own actions.

What have you done?

 

[Zud]

What have you done?

Loud music. I used it to cope during tough times and when life became desperate, which it often was.

 

[fishbone]

For at these the last several years I've been experiencing tinnitus due to noise exposure. I'm starting to understand I've been in denial. I cannot believe how bad this is. I've been terribly irresponsible and ruined my hearing through my own actions. I've tried to drink heavily on it and hide away from it but the truth is it's here to stay.

I want to face up to it but I don't know what to do. I am so miserable and I keep crying. This is life now and there's no going back. I want to face up to my irresponsibility. But it's too late now.

Last night I was talking to an outreach service about killing myself. It's amazing how bad something can be.

I'd give everything I own to live in peace. But there's no way back. I know there's no cure or treatment. I am so stupid and I am so miserable.

How can you come to terms with this. How am I going to live now. How do I live with myself. Life is never going to be the same.

I am kinda in the same boat as you are. I damaged my ears and hearing due to loud noise and each day it's loud and the hearing is beyond bad. I accepted my situation many years ago and I am at peace with how life is. Would I like to have a life without the intrusive T and horrible heating, of course I do. It's hard to accept such an ordeal, I fully get it.

Life is hard when we live with Tinnitus and hearing issues, we just have to find ways to manage and cope. It's not easy at all, it takes lots of work. Gaining support and slowly pushing on a daily basis has been very helpful to me. When Tinnitus hits, we need to make adjustments in our lives to make it a littler easier to live with it.

Take care....

 

[Michael Leigh]

For at these the last several years I've been experiencing tinnitus due to noise exposure. I'm starting to understand I've been in denial. I cannot believe how bad this is. I've been terribly irresponsible and ruined my hearing through my own actions. I've tried to drink heavily on it and hide away from it but the truth is it's here to stay.

How can you come to terms with this. How am I going to live now. How do I live with myself. Life is never going to be the same.

Hello @Zud

I am sorry to know you are going through such a difficult time coping with tinnitus at the moment. Things can turn around so don't give up. Talk to your family doctor about how you feel as medication might be prescribed to help with any anxiety or stress that you have which is not unusual to have when tinnitus is severe. If your doctor is able to refer you to see a Hearing Therapist or Audiologist that specialises in tinnitus treatment and management, this is an avenue to pursue. I do not know which part of the world you live, so my suggestions are just that because I don't know what type of care and support is available to you. Since your tinnitus was caused by exposure to loud noise/music then I advise that you don't use headphones even at low volume.

I hope members that are affected by noise induced tinnitus, read your post and see it as a warning. Tinnitus can be very debilitating if it becomes loud and intrusive and this level of intensity is sustained. It can affect a person's mental and emotional wellbeing considerably. I often advise people with this type of tinnitus not to use headphones even at low volume, as there is a risk of the tinnitus becoming worse. Some people with NIT are not affected but the risk is always there if one chooses to use them. They also need to be careful of further exposure to loud sounds or being around loud music, even when wearing earplugs. I say these things not because I am necessarily more knowledgeable about tinnitus than anyone else, it's because I have years of experience living with noise induced tinnitus, corresponding with people with this type of tinnitus and counselling people with NIT.

I hope you are able to get some help soon.
Michael

 

[all to gain]

Thanks. I respect the situation is not fixable, I have just had a terrible time of accepting it and probably done more damage in the meantime. I simply can't deal with this as reality. It's like my life is over. I dread every moment and every minute. It's been years and I've only just got to the point where I'm seeing the situation and I know I can't process it. This is too bad for me to cope with. Sorry if this sounds negative but this is the way I feel.

I am very much in the same boat, except I've only had mine 6 months. Not sure if I will ever accept this inferior version of myself.

 

[Jazzer]

Hi @Zud
As you know, all we really have is coping methods.
Mine is very loud, constant, a nightmare.

Things that help me:
Daily meditation sessions, when I lay in a hot bath - ask my diaphragm to take over my breathing for me - and drift off into a peaceful doze.
Yes - I still hear my tinnitus of course - but I do not actively 'listen' to it.
I have no emotional response to it - it's just there.

Throughout the day at distressing times, I use auto-suggestion.
I repeat my mantra "It's Just There."
I give it no emotional response.
I accept the inevitable fact calmly.
This takes practice, but it can become more or less automatic.

Going out for a daily walk gives visual distraction.

These are just a couple of my ideas.

very best wishes,

Dave x
Jazzer

 

[Peter61]

Hey Zud,
You'll get used to your current situation, but believe me, it takes time. For me it took 7 years to fully accept my condition. Now I don't care anymore if the ringing is loud or hardly present. Either way, it's all the same to me. That's what acceptance is all about. Regard it as a basic and fundamental part of your life and of who you are. Only then you won't perceive the sound as threatening anymore and only then you'll feel comfortable and at ease. With or without tinnitus. It's only a natural thing, you know, it's just a reaction of your body to acoustic trauma. Try to enjoy your life as much and as long as you can. And in the meantime, wait patiently for a cure. I know it is being developed by Frequency Therapeutics (https://www.frequencytx.com). That's what I do. I'm 58, I hope I'll have some 20 more years to live and I intend to enjoy those years as much as I can. Tinnitus is not my friend, of course it isn't, how could it be. But it's not my enemy either. It's just there, 24-7-365. And I'm perfectly fine with that.

 

[Michael Leigh]

Hey Zud,
You'll get used to your current situation, but believe me, it takes time. For me it took 7 years to fully accept my condition. Now I don't care anymore if the ringing is loud or hardly present. Either way, it's all the same to me. That's what acceptance is all about. Regard it as a basic and fundamental part of your life and of who you are. Only then you won't perceive the sound as threatening anymore and only then you'll feel comfortable and at ease. With or without tinnitus. It's only a natural thing, you know, it's just a reaction of your body to acoustic trauma. Try to enjoy your life as much and as long as you can. And in the meantime, wait patiently for a cure. I know it is being developed by Frequency Therapeutics (https://www.frequencytx.com). That's what I do. I'm 58, I hope I'll have some 20 more years to live and I intend to enjoy those years as much as I can. Tinnitus is not my friend, of course it isn't, how could it be. But it's not my enemy either. It's just there, 24-7-365. And I'm perfectly fine with that.

@Peter61

Well said and I fully agree with you. I have had my own ordeal facing and coming to terms with my tinnitus after a second noise trauma that took 4 years to habituate to but still required steady and constant reinforcing of positive mental attitude, to fully accept my condition because it varies in intensity regularly almost on a daily basis. Sometimes help is required in the form of counselling with a tinnitus specialist, medication and sound therapy to help some people. One should not dismiss these treatments as they can be of immense help, instead of trying to do it all by oneself which isn't always possible.

That said, I am pleased that you have come to terms and able to accept your tinnitus, and hope your post serves as an inspiration to others having their own ordeal coping with this condition.

Well done and take care.

Michael

 

[Peter61]

@Michael Leigh
Thanx Michael, you're welcome.