I can't keep living. It's not worth it. I cant deal with this noise. And I feel that I will never deal with this noise. I know it will never get better. I'm too scared to die. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared and sad. When I wake up in the morning I'm disappointed because I always go to bed and hope that somehow I miraculously die during the night. I don't want to die, but I can't live like this either. Help!
Tinnitus Has Taken My Life Away
- Thread starter Neenie
- Start date
Member- Aug 14, 2013
- 2,455
- Tinnitus Since
- Resolved since 2016
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Unknown (medication, head injury)
Most people use this forum for support or to vent. However, a few of us do go the extra mile in terms of looking for cures. Look for my future updates - perhaps one them will be worthwhile reading. You never know.
Neenie....in my way toooo long experience with my Tinnitus, despair is just part of the early days of recognizing a potential problem that has come apparent to you. You might feel that there is only one way out....but look at all the other members here and some of the other old timers that have moved from the stage of where you are today to having moved on for another 10 to 20 years or more...but check in here to assist.
That's what I can offer you. I'm 13 years post discovery of my tinnitus and I do remember my first few months...heck my first year (I'm a slow learner). By learning....I'm speaking of your mind that will sooner or later simply adapt to any situation your body can hand it....automatically.
But first we got to get you past the focus stage where you're overwhelmed with a thought of a life of tinnitus as you have now. FIRST....you're too early into this to know whether or not you've got damage that will turn to a lifetime of Tinnitus. I had an ear infection that turned into a condition called "Glue Ear" and yes...the image is pretty much as gross as it sounds.<G The inner ear infused a matter that was pretty much like a paste. The ear was deaf as the tympanic membrane was damped by the materials. After a couple of intubation sessions (about 4 months apart) and a lot of "scuse me...repeat what you said." for six months....SIX MONTHS....one day, there was a small pressure type POP a little crackling going on...and voila, it was over.
It's always possible that you have a condition that will take time to resolve due to any number of things...inflammation around the aural canal or small pockets that are swollen and pressing down on a nerve that creates a false noise. One day you may just wake up and the condition has gone away....so keep that in mind while you're in this down period of the roller coaster ride. It's a sine wave of highs and lows that drag on for a while and then level out without you doing much more than just HOLDING ON a little tighter.
Nothing is hopeless. The proof to this will be all the people before you and after you that sat down and thought things through.....or got some assistance by their doctor either by referral or prescription. You've got a better reason than others to call your doctor and tell him/her how you're feeling. I'm sure that they'll ask you to come visit so that they can offer you something for relief.
That relief is the main player for this period of recognition of your problem and the despair it's causing. Sometimes it's nothing more of a cure than something to help you get a full night's sleep if you're having troubles. Keeping in mind that you may be working overtime in worry, concern, anxiety, etc.; if you don't sleep to allow brain and bod to rest, the next day will be even worse...multiply that by the numbers of days without proper rest....I'd be a wreck, too.
Worse case scenario....you'll still adapt like everyone else. I would never patronize or insult you with a "think of others with worse conditions..." as my personal response to that would be..."screw them, what about my condition?!! while I run around in circles smacking my head with both palms. I would simply say, ask for some help from your doc. Go to a movie(s) and just get involved in a different element away from your house and something to distract you for a few hours or do what I did....get in your car with suitcase and drive someplace with a destination in 250 - 300 miles. You'll be in different environment for the whole trip; wind noise to balance out the tinnitus and a change of scenery for your entire adventure. Just going to the mall to walk; the gym to work out or a library to enjoy a book in a quiet room if noise is a sensitive issue at this time.
Just leaving the house is sometimes a major step....but as soon as you're someplace else and venturing out, things will look differently...and most likely a whole lot better.
Nennie please go to a clinic where they can help you handle your T. Try to look for an expert who is willing to help you.
Neenie, I'm in the same boat. I can't stand it either. It's the pulsing for me, when that gets loud, it's madding. It's been cold here and I've been alone this weekend; should be fun, not too much fun.
I keep telling myself T is not my life. Our lives are family, friends, work, hobbies, interests, activities, social life? kids, possessions, anything but T. I just don't want to define my life with anything to do with T. It's not who we are as people. I try to distract myself, be engaged by doing something.
Neeie, I bet your cell phone ringing with people that love you or your Facebook page or picture album is fun. Let's get distracted, go out and live, how about shopping and lunch. Even spending time on this forum seems to make me focus on T.
I keep telling myself T is not my life. Our lives are family, friends, work, hobbies, interests, activities, social life? kids, possessions, anything but T. I just don't want to define my life with anything to do with T. It's not who we are as people. I try to distract myself, be engaged by doing something.
Neeie, I bet your cell phone ringing with people that love you or your Facebook page or picture album is fun. Let's get distracted, go out and live, how about shopping and lunch. Even spending time on this forum seems to make me focus on T.
@Neenie:
Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your suffering. Everyone on this board (TT) understands what you are going through. First off, you need to get some help from a qualified physician. Learn about your condition and make sure you understand your options.
TT is a terrific resource, and the people here are kind and helpful. Know that you will feel better in time and that top quality researchers are investigating ways to heal your condition. Your life is precious and you can get through this rough patch. I have seen the other side and it is worth living for.
-Golly
Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your suffering. Everyone on this board (TT) understands what you are going through. First off, you need to get some help from a qualified physician. Learn about your condition and make sure you understand your options.
TT is a terrific resource, and the people here are kind and helpful. Know that you will feel better in time and that top quality researchers are investigating ways to heal your condition. Your life is precious and you can get through this rough patch. I have seen the other side and it is worth living for.
-Golly
Neenie, you will find a way to cope. Your brain at the moment is reacting to the noise like it's a threat and it's causing the fear and anxiety. It makes it hard to sleep, and trying to deal with all this when tired makes it all worse. As others have said, a doctor will help you deal with the anxiety. You can then start getting your sleep back, and working on distraction techniques, until it all recedes into the background.
The success stories convinced me I could beat it.
DD
The success stories convinced me I could beat it.
DD
Hello Neenie, yes, tinnitus can be terrible and I also have bad days and moments when I feel depressed and wish life with all its troubles would just end. But then I remember all the good things that I wouldn't be able to experience any more. You could write yourself a list with all the things you are still enjoying despite of the tinnitus and then you will realize life is still has its good sides. It can be small things, for example your morning coffee, birds singing, seeing the snow outside, meeting your friends, relatives.
I think also setbacks and moments of feeling sad and hopeless are just part of the recovery process. As time will pass there will be less bad moments or days and more good days. You just have to believe in that.
I think also setbacks and moments of feeling sad and hopeless are just part of the recovery process. As time will pass there will be less bad moments or days and more good days. You just have to believe in that.
2014winner
Member
- Aug 6, 2013
- 41
- Tinnitus Since
- 1999
- Cause of Tinnitus
- otitis media with permanent hearing loss
Tinnitus can be terrible. I have it high volume today. Set boundaries in your life and live your life in the best manner that you can. I can hardly think right now and I hope that it will get better for me. I am about ready to cry. I want to give my cousin and her husband a Christmas greeting card tonight when we meet them. I don't know if I will even be able to do that. If I take an alpralolam tablet I will feel somewhat sleepy. The noise at times is horrendous. I am glad to have this forum to link up with others. It will get better for you.Will you check in tomorrow for all of us here?
2014 Winner
- Nov 10, 2013
- 464
- 41
- Tinnitus Since
- 2005
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Bad luck and bad genes
After almost 10 years of tinnitus and always new setbacks I too was going to write the same thing. I would gladly trade for the tinnitus I've had years ago, it was so mild and unimportant. The tinnitus of today is a thing that is on my mind 90% of the time. It's just maddening and I'm on autopilot, living day to day.
So hang in there, you're not alone.
So hang in there, you're not alone.
- Nov 10, 2013
- 464
- 41
- Tinnitus Since
- 2005
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Bad luck and bad genes
LeQuack, what has changed for you? you say it was so mild and unimportant what happened? i would be interested to know thanks!
Ugh. Silence is deafening, frustrating, and anxiety-provoking. I'm annoyed that I haven't habituated. I understand the logics of the ANS and limbic system but still, I don't believe that I'm perceiving the sound louder than it really is. I bet if my aircon was as high pitched and loud I wouldnt be able to drown it out either. Medical people don't care, don't understand, and say the same thing over and over again. I got it. I just dont believe it. Have any of you tried Neuromonics?
- Nov 10, 2013
- 464
- 41
- Tinnitus Since
- 2005
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Bad luck and bad genes
In the past I only really noticed it in complete silence and I guess it didn't affect my life so much as it does now. Yes I avoided loud activities but apart from that 99% of the time my mind was not on tinnitus.
I don't know what happened though, it just got gradually worse. It seems the more I tried to take care of my ears the worse it became. Some spikes went away, some didn't. New sounds, changed sounds, and some years ago I developed this very high pitched missing in addiction to my tonal tinnitus. The worst thing with this one is I can't cover it up with anything and it reacts to sound, meaning it gets louder when sounds get louder. And just this week I got yet another new sound in my left ear and now I'm falling apart again.
Early Christmas present ey?
I´m sorry for you, can´t your doctor help you?In the past I only really noticed it in complete silence and I guess it didn't affect my life so much as it does now. Yes I avoided loud activities but apart from that 99% of the time my mind was not on tinnitus.
I don't know what happened though, it just got gradually worse. It seems the more I tried to take care of my ears the worse it became. Some spikes went away, some didn't. New sounds, changed sounds, and some years ago I developed this very high pitched missing in addiction to my tonal tinnitus. The worst thing with this one is I can't cover it up with anything and it reacts to sound, meaning it gets louder when sounds get louder. And just this week I got yet another new sound in my left ear and now I'm falling apart again.
Early Christmas present ey?
- Nov 10, 2013
- 464
- 41
- Tinnitus Since
- 2005
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Bad luck and bad genes
I don't see how. I've been to the ENT a couple of times. If you don't have severe hearing loss you're fine according to them.
Do you still lead a normal life or do you stay in mostly? i don´t like going out without ear plugs, but then i can´t really hear what is being said, but i can´t risk a spike through sudden loud noise, and there is always a car beeping loud, or a loud motorbike speeding by, i just can´t risk it!!!!
- Nov 10, 2013
- 464
- 41
- Tinnitus Since
- 2005
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Bad luck and bad genes
I see myself being isolated more and more unfortunately, having to cancel Christmas event that would be too loud for me and so on. Everything seems to have become bothersome to my noise reacting tinnitus. Car drives are no longer pleasant. The noise from servers in our office. The refrigerator noise.
So no, I don't think I lead a normal life, far from it. I don't bother telling people about my problems because they tend to forget, they just see me as a recluse or a weirdo, who doesn't like to socialize. I don't know how some people can just get on with their lives as normal I really envy them.
- Nov 10, 2013
- 464
- 41
- Tinnitus Since
- 2005
- Cause of Tinnitus
- Bad luck and bad genes
MemberNeenie: what is actually happening is that all the negative thoughts and feelings you have are driving your Limbic (emotional) System in your brain and increasing the impact of the tinnitus. You then enter a vicious cycle of anxiety-tinnitus-more anxiety-more tinnitus, and so on. You need to get some counseling to help you learn relaxation techniques and probably anti-anxiety and sleep medications from your doctor. I have age-related high-frequency hearing loss and bilateral tinnitus in the frequency range of my hearing loss. I got hearing aids and pump masking sounds in when my tinnitus becomes too bothersome. You have to learn that when it is quiet, it will get louder and when it is loud, it will get quieter. You can and will learn to cope and habituation can take many months or even a year or more.
Hi guys!
Thanks for your comments. I've already done CBT for years. Learnt nothing from it. Perhaps I should go through it again. Somehow I know all the rational things I should be thinking, yet I can't seem to actually believe it. Can't seem to get my mind away from tinnitus because its always right there in the centre of your thoughts because its right there in your head screaming at you all day. I hope that it goes away, but deep down I have a feeling it wont. And if it doesnt im stuck. Can't live. But don't want to die.
Thanks for your comments. I've already done CBT for years. Learnt nothing from it. Perhaps I should go through it again. Somehow I know all the rational things I should be thinking, yet I can't seem to actually believe it. Can't seem to get my mind away from tinnitus because its always right there in the centre of your thoughts because its right there in your head screaming at you all day. I hope that it goes away, but deep down I have a feeling it wont. And if it doesnt im stuck. Can't live. But don't want to die.
You might try hypnotherapy? Has worked for some, although not for me.
But seems to me that anxiety is your main issue. You must get that under control to be able to tackle the tinnitus.
the old question...."I've got tinnitus that started this week...do you think it will get better?"
the stock answer for many of us that work the Tinnitus rooms is:
"you're kinda new with this so if it's not tinnitus...it will get better. If it is tinnitus...YOU will get better."
In short, given the time to adapt there will be one morning when you wake up and don't remember that you've got it. At this end of the scale...like me....it's all I could think of and how much I hated this situation and someone has GOT to have a solution to something this simple and I don't think this is how I want to live my life.
Pretty much my thoughts were in a loop...over and over again. This alone is enough to make you anxious and/or depressed because it's an unknown. There is a very large group that just like you...have faced this unknown with the same angst only to realize it's something that can be lived with and whether you like it or not...you'll just adapt into it.
Not unlike jumping into the outdoor Swimming Pool in cold weather.....it's a rush of everything to get the hell out of the pool as your body reacts and then your brain agrees...this ain't the place for ME!! However...in a short while you're swimming and enjoying the swim.
You may of course spend more time with exposed skin below the surface than catching any cool breeze outside the water on your wet skin.
That is tinnitus in my experience and simplistic fashion of explanation. Once you're in the pool...you hate it; everything about you hates it and you want out by instinct. But...your bod adapts; your mind agrees and accepts and you swim at your pace. And....rather than feel uncomfortable by sticking your wet shoulders out of the acceptable water into the cold air....you learn to do the things that won't be uncomfortable.
the stock answer for many of us that work the Tinnitus rooms is:
"you're kinda new with this so if it's not tinnitus...it will get better. If it is tinnitus...YOU will get better."
In short, given the time to adapt there will be one morning when you wake up and don't remember that you've got it. At this end of the scale...like me....it's all I could think of and how much I hated this situation and someone has GOT to have a solution to something this simple and I don't think this is how I want to live my life.
Pretty much my thoughts were in a loop...over and over again. This alone is enough to make you anxious and/or depressed because it's an unknown. There is a very large group that just like you...have faced this unknown with the same angst only to realize it's something that can be lived with and whether you like it or not...you'll just adapt into it.
Not unlike jumping into the outdoor Swimming Pool in cold weather.....it's a rush of everything to get the hell out of the pool as your body reacts and then your brain agrees...this ain't the place for ME!! However...in a short while you're swimming and enjoying the swim.
You may of course spend more time with exposed skin below the surface than catching any cool breeze outside the water on your wet skin.
That is tinnitus in my experience and simplistic fashion of explanation. Once you're in the pool...you hate it; everything about you hates it and you want out by instinct. But...your bod adapts; your mind agrees and accepts and you swim at your pace. And....rather than feel uncomfortable by sticking your wet shoulders out of the acceptable water into the cold air....you learn to do the things that won't be uncomfortable.
Neenie: you´ve just written my thoughts with this post !!! i´m scared to live, and i´m scared to die... i´m busy gathering as many tablets as i can and hide them, it calms me down knowing that at least i´ve got a way out, and i´m not trapped if i so wish !! hopefully i´ll never take them, how could i do that to my family and close friends who love me, and me them !! so for now i´ll play the waiting game... waiting for it to get better like so many people on here say it will !!! i´ll wait until i start to accept that this is it for the rest of my life !!! i´ll wait for the day that i don´t care about it anymore !!! So Neenie i hope that you will wait with me too... let´s play the waiting game together, let´s know that we can get out of this hell if we want to, but let´s wait for the day that we just don´t want to, to me that´s something worth waiting for... keep going for as long as it takes Neenie, with the comforting thoughts of " i can get off this ride any time i want to " that gives us control of this situation, and for me i feel like i do have a choice... take it or leave it !! for now i´ll take it, i don´t know for how long? but like i said i´ll wait, because one day peace just might come to me, where as death will take my choices away, and i like having choices !!! i´m on this ride with you Neenie. xx
I do that too. I think of the best ways to die so it isnt going to be traumatic for my family. I wanted to do it now, but I feel bad if I do it before Xmas time, so maybe after that. But actually I'm too scared and that makes me even more mad and sad, that I want out so badly but am too afraid to do it. Pathetic really. Everyone keeps telling me to accept it and move on. I bet you a million dollars if those people could hear what I hear they wouldn't accept it either. Everyone has certain standards, and this tinnitus is not up to standard so I can not accept it. This kind of life is in fact unacceptable. I'm tired of having professionals tell me they have no idea and cant help me. Great. Thanks.
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