Two Tinnitus Worsenings within Four Days — Massive Setback in Overcoming Major Depression

[IntotheBlue03]

If you can't mask because it's in the sound source or just rises above it, then mask quieter and realize you'll have to befriend this, even for a few months.

Hey @Matchbox.

Can you tell me more about this masking quieter philosophy? My tinnitus competes with the sounds around me and despite this I know some people have said to have some low background noise on and after a few months my brain will adjust to this and defocus on the tinnitus. Curious what your thoughts are?

Again I don't have spikes for hours, the reactivity only lasts as long as the external sound. But it has been hell not being able to mask and I would give anything just to be able to do so.

 

[CC_16]

How are you doing?

 

[Matchbox]

Hey @Matchbox.

Can you tell me more about this masking quieter philosophy? My tinnitus competes with the sounds around me and despite this I know some people have said to have some low background noise on and after a few months my brain will adjust to this and defocus on the tinnitus. Curious what your thoughts are?

Again I don't have spikes for hours, the reactivity only lasts as long as the external sound. But it has been hell not being able to mask and I would give anything just to be able to do so.

I'm afraid I'm in the same department.

Defocusing / adjusting definitely happens, but no real meaningful reduction in my tinnitus has occurred from sound therapy. It was always an outlier like a drug regimen (before I hit tolerance) or diet/exercise change. Then seemingly at random it would get much much worse. There was always some prelude though, like losing hearing and hearing a new tonal "eeeee" several times daily before worsening (for "me" it seems disconnected from sound almost always, save speaking loudly/yelling)...

Masking quieter I guess simply means risking less damage/cortical disorganization from random noise being simply noise damage at those volumes.

If it ramps to compete... I do have experience with this, but there is a volume that I can "beat" it if I try to continue ramping up the dB. Lower volume = lower tinnitus competition volume?

I really don't know much about the reactivity part... but it does always die down for me once the noise source has ceased... but this takes hours!

However, distortions do not go away (but do seem to have a set volume regardless of external noise source).

 

[GrodanB]

@CC_16, I am still doing very poorly, worse than ever actually.

Thank you for asking though!

The last couple of months have been horrible, hitting my head on the wall asking myself why i did all the things that led my tinnitus to getting worse. I guess the only way to learn when it comes to tinnitus are mistakes, what works and what doesn't.

What really made my depression even worse recently was the realisation that I have Visual Snow Syndrome. Horrible blurry vision in the dark, tons of eye floaters covering up my vision, constant static vision which makes it look like I'm living life through the POV of an old television.

On top of that my tinnitus has unsurprisingly gotten much worse, and my hyperacusis is now in my left ear for good. No more times where it only appeared randomly a couple of days per month.

I only leave my house about twice a month just so I can get to my psychiatrist and dentist appointments for my chronic bruxism.

It's just so difficult to stay positive. I have to hide my pain from my parents so they don't feel bad all the time. Like not telling them when my depression has gotten worse or my tinnitus getting worse, things like that.

Whatever I do it just feels so meaningless now. After so many tinnitus worsenings and the onset of my Visual Snow just doing things like eating, showering, going outside, talking to my psychiatrist just feel so pointless.

I apologize if this was a little more than you asked for but I just had to get it off my chest.

And again, I appreciate you for asking how I was feeling.

 

[GrodanB]

Update: My tinnitus keeps getting worse and my hyperacusis has gotten unbearable. I can't stand any sound anymore, I have started isolating myself from all noise. I listened to advice like "don't overprotect" but that's why I am now locked inside my room, speakers unplugged and got noise cancelling headphones on my head. The sound of my clothes brushing against my skin, my own breathing and talking, my own footsteps. All of it hurts, it even hurts with no sound at all, I can sit quietly in my room and it still hurts in my ear.

All of my interests revolves around my PC and of course now with this hyperacusis I can't stand the sound of music, video games or anything that comes from these speakers.

I'm now forced to sleep without music for the first time since I developed tinnitus, started hearing several new tinnitus noises I didn't even know I had.

I give up, tinnitus gets randomly worse for no reason weekly, can't stand any sound anymore, my Visual Snow of course isn't making this any less miserable. Doubt I will make it past the age of 30 with this shit.

 

[DocTors_94]

Update: My tinnitus keeps getting worse and my hyperacusis has gotten unbearable. I can't stand any sound anymore, I have started isolating myself from all noise. I listened to advice like "don't overprotect" but that's why I am now locked inside my room, speakers unplugged and got noise cancelling headphones on my head. The sound of my clothes brushing against my skin, my own breathing and talking, my own footsteps. All of it hurts, it even hurts with no sound at all, I can sit quietly in my room and it still hurts in my ear.

All of my interests revolves around my PC and of course now with this hyperacusis I can't stand the sound of music, video games or anything that comes from these speakers.

I'm now forced to sleep without music for the first time since I developed tinnitus, started hearing several new tinnitus noises I didn't even know I had.

I give up, tinnitus gets randomly worse for no reason weekly, can't stand any sound anymore, my Visual Snow of course isn't making this any less miserable. Doubt I will make it past the age of 30 with this shit.

I am sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to point out your symptoms are very similar to mine, I developed moderate visual snow (50+ eye floaters and I can't see almost at all with very low light environment because of it's all "grainy") and my tinnitus gets worse daily, even without noise or minimal noise, like swallowing (so I am homebound 24/7 with earmuffs). It's a torture that's not from this world. I still can't believe such shit exists... Sending you strength.

 

[GrodanB]

I am sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to point out your symptoms are very similar to mine, I developed moderate visual snow (50+ eye floaters and I can't see almost at all with very low light environment because of it's all "grainy") and my tinnitus gets worse daily, even without noise or minimal noise, like swallowing (so I am homebound 24/7 with earmuffs). It's a torture that's not from this world. I still can't believe such shit exists... Sending you strength.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. The constant tinnitus worsenings are the worst because whenever you improve some aspect of your life, a new tinnitus sound or a worsening of an already existing one just takes away that progress from you. 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I also can't see in the dark, need a flashlight to move around the house even if it isn't that dark.

My visual snow is just an added annoyance with how bad the ringing and hyperacusis are. I try just to not look at the clear bright sky and anything clear and bright in general just to avoid seeing the floaters.

I noticed your tinnitus started relatively recently so the concept of "time heals all wounds" could maybe still be a reality for you. I wish the the best my friend.

 

[GrodanB]

New unmaskable tinnitus noise appeared, this is the loudest one I have ever had. It appeared several hours after going to the dentist. No drilling or anything. The dentist just felt the musculature around my neck and jaw like always, nothing new.

The noise is deafening, spikes that are this loud usually just last a couple of seconds but this one seems to be staying. I pray that this is temporary. If I wake up in the morning with no changes to the noise, I will lose it.

 

[Ken219]

@GrodanB, I hope it does go lower. I have this experience from time to time. What steps do you take to mitigate the tinnitus? Ex. Meditation, medication(s)?

 

[GrodanB]

@GrodanB, I hope it does go lower. I have this experience from time to time. What steps do you take to mitigate the tinnitus? Ex. Meditation, medication(s)?

I don't meditate nor do I take any medications, but I used to enjoy listening to music whenever my tinnitus was feeling a bit too overwhelming. I am going to try Magnesium Glycinate the upcoming months though.

And in case you were wondering, the spike has not subsided.

 

[GrodanB]

A new very low pitched flute like sound that appeared about a month ago has been worsening almost daily. Before the worsening, I could barely hear it and had to look for it; no clue where it came from.

It's now by far the loudest sound in my left ear and is even more intrusive than the high pitched static noises. I woke up today after a rough 4 hours of sleep and slept through a big rainstorm. The reactive tinnitus in my left ear has been crazy since I woke up. My tinnitus is usually always louder in the morning but it's never the low pitched noises.

It's either worsening because I have untreated sleep apnea that I don't know about or it's the rain that starts in the middle of the night when I'm sleeping, I have a very poorly isolated metal roof that makes it almost impossible to fall asleep when it's raining. But when I manage to fall asleep I very rarely wake up.

Coincidentally, my Eustachian tube in my left ear felt very unresponsive this morning, which could have easily been caused by some kind of breathing problem while I sleep.

Gonna try to convince one of my parents to listen to my breathing while I sleep to see if I actually have sleep apnea. I really don't want this sound to keep getting louder.

 

[MindOverMatter]

Gonna try to convince one of my parents to listen to my breathing while I sleep to see if I actually have sleep apnea. I really don't want this sound to keep getting louder.

You need to go to the hospital to have this checked properly.

Either to sleep under surveillance there, or get equipment home with electrodes/sensors on your body to monitor you when sleeping.

 

[Forever hopeful]

A new very low pitched flute like sound that appeared about a month ago has been worsening almost daily. Before the worsening, I could barely hear it and had to look for it; no clue where it came from.

It's now by far the loudest sound in my left ear and is even more intrusive than the high pitched static noises. I woke up today after a rough 4 hours of sleep and slept through a big rainstorm. The reactive tinnitus in my left ear has been crazy since I woke up. My tinnitus is usually always louder in the morning but it's never the low pitched noises.

It's either worsening because I have untreated sleep apnea that I don't know about or it's the rain that starts in the middle of the night when I'm sleeping, I have a very poorly isolated metal roof that makes it almost impossible to fall asleep when it's raining. But when I manage to fall asleep I very rarely wake up.

Coincidentally, my Eustachian tube in my left ear felt very unresponsive this morning, which could have easily been caused by some kind of breathing problem while I sleep.

Gonna try to convince one of my parents to listen to my breathing while I sleep to see if I actually have sleep apnea. I really don't want this sound to keep getting louder.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I agree with @MindOverMatter.

You need a full medical work up and I have not read that you got that. I also think your over protection and sensory deprivation is worsening your hyperacusis. You need to have your hearing assessed and I think start working with an audiologist who specializes in tinnitus and hyperacusis. Please see a neuro-otologist. They can help.

 

[Greg Sacramento]

@GrodanB, hi again. It appears like 'sleep debt' impact. Happens when you don't get enough sleep for days, and then when sleep does happen, it's limited deep sleep. Throat muscles can tighten, elevated cortisol levels can create insulin resistance.

Liquid Glycinate Magnesium can help with anxiety, fatigue, sleep and provide some hearing protection.

Good to see you wear hearing protection when needed. You gave some good examples as to when.

I would consider seeing an Integrative doctor.

An integrative doctor takes the entire patient, not just a part, into account during examination and treatment. They examine chronic condition needs, mental health and stress levels. They see chronic tinnitus patients and they understand more about tinnitus, hypertension, anxiety and wear and tear than most other types of doctors. They partner with specialized doctors and you won't have to wait weeks or months to see them - like for oncology. Priority is given.

 

[Nemoriri]

Hey Grodan. I work as an audiologist in Sweden and I know there is help to get.

How it works unfortunately differs depending on where in the country you live, but I would really recommend you to see an audiologist. In most places you can be referred to a specialized rehabilitation if your tinnitus is severely affecting you.

 

[GrodanB]

@MindOverMatter, @Forever hopeful, @Greg Sacramento, @Nemoriri:

Thank you all for the advice, I have clearly not been taking this seriously enough, neither have I been asking for enough help.

I will get the sleeping issues checked out and see if I can get my hands on someone who will look into my tinnitus, hyperacusis and tonic tensor tympani issues on a deeper scale, since I have only gotten "help" from ENT doctors who kind of just looked in my ear for earwax buildup and whatnot.

 

[GrodanB]

It's finally confirmed I don't have sleep apnea, but that's the least of my worries now.

I started taking notes every time my tinnitus either worsened or a completely new noise appeared...

6 NEW NOISES AND 3 PRE-EXISTING NOISE WORSENINGS! Since November alone. I STILL have no goddamn clue what the fuck is causing this shit. It's just getting worse and worse and worse every month. I'm gonna lose my mind.

Does ANYONE have any idea what could be causing these worsenings/new noises?!

Any sort of health condition I'm unaware of that I could have that's making it worse? Please, just anything.

These worsenings/new noises make it completely pointless to attempt at moving forwards with my life in any way. Because at the end of the week, there is gonna be a new fucking noise frying my brain together with the other 15+ noises.

 

[Jim Brady]

Hi Grodan, sorry to read what you're going thru and I hope you can find some relief at some point. Your thread has been helpful to me with regards to Magnesium glycinate and supplements in general. Also, I no idea that sleep apnea could be an issue with regards to hearing issues. I need to read plenty more and start trying to do something instead of just accepting this condition.

Best wishes from Ireland buddy,
Jim

 

[GrodanB]

I'll just start trying random supplements and stick to a super healthy diet for a year, get an MRI scan for a brain tumor or Multiple Sclerosis.

If it keeps getting worse after this year is finished, I'm just gonna off myself.

This struggle is not worth it, I have nothing.

 

[Joe Cuber]

I no idea that sleep apnea could be an issue with regards to hearing issues

Hey @Jim Brady - I have sleep apnea, and I feel that it contributes to my tinnitus experience in a particular way. I have neck muscle/spine issues that directly correlate with my tinnitus--if my neck is tense, it's correlated with my having a bad tinnitus day. Sleep apnea creates stress at night and causes me to tense my neck muscles. Ever since I started using a CPAP machine, the number of good days I experience has increased. It was just one factor, but it's good to eliminate it if it's at play.

 

[Jupiterman]

I feel your pain and you are truly one of the more serious cases on this forum. That said, I agree with what others have said; you are extremely young and very much have age on your side. You have the best chances of healing/improving, the best chances of benefitting from a cure in the future and also, time to figure out how to improve things for yourself.

Anyhow, I have one piece of advice.

I've read on other postings that noise-cancelling headphones, as they work by producing the 'anti-sound' of the actual sound, is sending artificially created sound directly into your ears.

Some people with tinnitus are sensitive to artificially created (digital) sounds so have issues with loudspeakers. Remember that noise-cancelling headphones which have mini loudspeakers in them just like normal headphones.

You may want to try experimenting with alternatives to noise-cancelling headphones?

 

[GrodanB]

I've read on other postings that noise-cancelling headphones, as they work by producing the 'anti-sound' of the actual sound, is sending artificially created sound directly into your ears.

Some people with tinnitus are sensitive to artificially created (digital) sounds so have issues with loudspeakers. Remember that noise-cancelling headphones which have mini loudspeakers in them just like normal headphones.

I had suspected that could have had some effect which is why I now only wear noise-cancelling headphones when I have earplugs on, for short road trips and such. Plus I don't wear the noise-cancelling headphones for more than 30 minutes per week. Yet my tinnitus won't stop worsening, so that's likely not the cause.

you are extremely young and very much have age on your side. You have the best chances of healing/improving, the best chances of benefitting from a cure in the future and also, time to figure out how to improve things for yourself.

I know, but for the past 4 years now it's been nothing but downhill. Consistent worsenings with new tinnitus noises every month, pain hyperacusis, visual snow progressively getting more intense. Every month or week I wake up with a new noise and I need to find more ways to cope, new ways to numb myself.

Stability is important, you can't habituate if the problems just keep piling on more and more. All I want is a stable tone that won't randomly get worse all the time. I'm hoping for it to stop getting worse, not to get better. I'm not asking for much.

It's just nothing anyone should have to go through.

I am hoping for a cure of course but man, this is taking a heavy toll on me. Not sure how much more I can bear.

Once again, I'll give it a year or two. If it won't stop getting worse, I'm throwing in the towel. I'm sorry for sounding negative but I'm truly suffering, and there is more suffering to come.

 

[Jupiterman]

I am hoping for a cure of course....I'll give it a year or two. If it won't stop getting worse, I'm throwing in the towel.

There is research going in several companies as we speak. It only needs ONE of them to successfully produce a viable drug/treatment that significantly reduces symptoms and that would be the breakthrough.

As much as there is debate about when or if this will happen; the point is it MAY happen, though it may NOT happen in the next 18 months.

Be careful about setting yourself this deadline. If you are looking down from heaven three or four years from now at everyone on this site successfully receiving a new treatment, how would that make you feel?

 

[Joe Cuber]

I only have an inkling about what you're experiencing @GrodanB, and I'm truly sorry to hear you're going through this. I pray that there's a meaningful cure, not for me necessarily, but for those that got the worst end of the stick. No one deserves this kind of suffering.

 

[GrodanB]

Well, it has now been 4 years since my tinnitus reached the point of no return.

February 12, 2019 when I decided to wash my earwax out with ear irrigation causing irreparable damage and sending me into a constant unending downward spiral. It was truly the last straw, my ears just couldn't handle anymore from all the intense damage caused in earlier years.

It is now safe to say that my ears are truly fucked beyond repair or the possibility of any kind of recovery. I have not had a single improvement in my tinnitus since that day. It has worsened so many times I just stopped counting them, every month I wake up with AT LEAST 1 new noise/worsened pre-existing noise.

I was 16 when this whole ordeal started, and I'm turning 20 in just 3 months. Where did the time go? I have just been here. Stuck in my room. For 4 years. Hoping for an improvement. A single fucking glimpse of a possible future where my tinnitus won't worsen every month for no reason. Oh and don't forget about the ear pain, I need to wear earmuffs 24/7 now because I enjoyed the sounds. God forbid I enjoy sounds. Now everything hurts too, go figure.

Every passing day I come closer to terms with the fact that I will end my life before nature does its thing. How have I managed to endure this? It's so loud, it's so fucking loud. Countless noises in each ear, reactive, high pitched, low pitched, humming, screaming, morse code, hissing, fucking nightmare noises that just keeps developing. Yet I'M STILL FUCKING HERE WANTING TO DIE EVERY LIVING MOMENT.

Every day is the same, I wake up, sit down at the computer, eat when I'm hungry, then sleep. Same shit every day. Oh my tinnitus got worse again? New noise in the morning? Oh well I guess it's time for another round of waking up, sitting down at the computer, then eating when I'm hungry day. I just don't care? I guess? I have suffered so much my brain is just broken. I can't process it anymore. My ears are on a constant self-destruction mode, with each new noise counting down the clock.

What will happen when the clock has ticked enough, who knows. Will I go deaf? Will I finally snap and drown myself in my favourite fishing spot? Only time will tell.

 

[Sammy0225]

What will happen when the clock has ticked enough, who knows. Will I go deaf? Will I finally snap and drown myself in my favourite fishing spot? Only time will tell.

So sorry brother. I came back to check on you. Fuck this condition. I just want to say you are a warrior man. You are so young still. I wish you didn't have this fucked up condition. I know I have no right saying this, but please hold on man. We need something man and fast. Big pharma can make robotic arms but can't make anything for tinnitus? So sad.

 

[Theezy]

Well, it has now been 4 years since my tinnitus reached the point of no return.

February 12, 2019 when I decided to wash my earwax out with ear irrigation causing irreparable damage and sending me into a constant unending downward spiral. It was truly the last straw, my ears just couldn't handle anymore from all the intense damage caused in earlier years.

It is now safe to say that my ears are truly fucked beyond repair or the possibility of any kind of recovery. I have not had a single improvement in my tinnitus since that day. It has worsened so many times I just stopped counting them, every month I wake up with AT LEAST 1 new noise/worsened pre-existing noise.

I was 16 when this whole ordeal started, and I'm turning 20 in just 3 months. Where did the time go? I have just been here. Stuck in my room. For 4 years. Hoping for an improvement. A single fucking glimpse of a possible future where my tinnitus won't worsen every month for no reason. Oh and don't forget about the ear pain, I need to wear earmuffs 24/7 now because I enjoyed the sounds. God forbid I enjoy sounds. Now everything hurts too, go figure.

Every passing day I come closer to terms with the fact that I will end my life before nature does its thing. How have I managed to endure this? It's so loud, it's so fucking loud. Countless noises in each ear, reactive, high pitched, low pitched, humming, screaming, morse code, hissing, fucking nightmare noises that just keeps developing. Yet I'M STILL FUCKING HERE WANTING TO DIE EVERY LIVING MOMENT.

Every day is the same, I wake up, sit down at the computer, eat when I'm hungry, then sleep. Same shit every day. Oh my tinnitus got worse again? New noise in the morning? Oh well I guess it's time for another round of waking up, sitting down at the computer, then eating when I'm hungry day. I just don't care? I guess? I have suffered so much my brain is just broken. I can't process it anymore. My ears are on a constant self-destruction mode, with each new noise counting down the clock.

What will happen when the clock has ticked enough, who knows. Will I go deaf? Will I finally snap and drown myself in my favourite fishing spot? Only time will tell.

I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through this for so long. I can imagine it's painful, confusing, frustrating, and much more. Our experiences sound very similar. You're an insanely strong person to already be battling this for 4 years. Mine has slowly worsening over the past 7 years, and now for the past 6 months it's been going off a cliff with the speed of worsenings and new tones - I became completely housebound early on in this downward spiral. I know how incredibly brutal the progressive nature is - constantly trying to adjust to a new worse level of suffering. I hope we find relief brother. We need way more research for tinnitus and hyperacusis. These conditions can become unimaginable constant torture. It's hard to even write this, my mind is so messed up by the sounds and pain.

Since we are similar cases, it makes sense to compare notes if you're interested. I've tried sound therapy (TRT) which always aggravated the conditions further - have you tried TRT before? For supplements, I've tried Magnesium glycinate, Curcumin, NAC, Ginkgo, CBD, Tru Niagen, Lion's Mane, ALA, Lipoflavonoids. No notable relief from any of them although I take NAC after noise exposure for some peace of mind that it may prevent damage - who knows. I take Mirtazapine for sleeping maybe 1-2 times a month. Recently, for the past 2 weeks, I started taking Betahistine (Serc). I thought it was doing something the first week, but now my symptoms have continued to worsen as usual and are worse than ever this week. They say it may take 3-4 weeks to kick in so I'll let you know if anything helps. I'm also going to try to ramp up stress-reduction practices.

Curious to hear what you've tried in terms of therapies and medications/supplements if you'd like to share.

Anyways, I know it's painful, depressing and isolating. It's truly unfathomable to the outside, I couldn't have imagined these levels of tinnitus + hyperacusis even a year ago. If you find anything that helps at all ,please let me know and I'll do the same. I think Susan Shore's device offers a real possibility worthy of hope. It's so sad to see people suffering like this without much to grasp onto. I will be thinking of you, and I pray we can somehow heal.

 

[GrodanB]

I just want to say you are a warrior man.

Thanks Sam. I'm doing the best I can. Even if life keeps punishing me for it. I'm holding on for now! Don't worry.

Mine has slowly worsening over the past 7 years, and now for the past 6 months it's been going off a cliff with the speed of worsenings and new tones - I became completely housebound early on in this downward spiral. I know how incredibly brutal the progressive nature is - constantly trying to adjust to a new worse level of suffering.

The constant worsenings are truly the worst, no way around it and no way of predicting the time it happens/why it happens. Sorry to hear you're suffering as well.

The only supplements I've tried is Magnesium glycinate, Cod liver oil and Vitamin D in case I had a deficiency. The only real medication I tried is Atarax and Mirtazapine, but they both messed my tinnitus up more. Mirtazapine made me tired 24/7 as well.

We can hope for a cure I guess, be it 10 years away.

Also, after trying to get some kind of disability income for the last couple of months, the ENT doctor, the most "well educated" doctor in this hospital in terms of hearing conditions, told my psychiatrist that my tinnitus AND noise sensitivity were both caused by, and I quote... "PSYCHOLOGICAL and NEUROPSYCHIATRIC problems"... Like WHAT?!

You can't make this shit up. They are trying to blame this on autism and ADHD and are now pushing me into some kind of neuropsychological examination. I'm being made fun of, this can't be real man. What a sick joke this is.

 

[Leila]

You can't make this shit up. They are trying to blame this on autism and ADHD and are now pushing me into some kind of neuropsychological examination. I'm being made fun of, this can't be real man. What a sick joke this is.

This is the worst thing about tinnitus / hyperacusis / invisible illnesses in general, the moment the professionals come across something beyond their grasp it's "Sorry to say so, but it's all in your head!"

I'm so sorry to hear you had to deal with such an insensitive physician!

I'm not sure that the situation is like in Sweden when it comes to tinnitus / hyperacusis and a disability income. Here in Germany it doesn't really count for much and you / your doctor would actually have to emphasise the psychological / psychiatric aspects in order to get you anything.

Is there a neutral advice centre for you to get in touch with to find out if your ENT may have been trying to do just that? If they were the "diagnosis" would be easier live with, sort of like a means to an end.

However, whatever the case might be, don't let it get to you and don't let anybody tell you you're making something up just because there isn't a method to measure tinnitus / hyperacusis and what it does to a person's mental health, yet. Just look at the number of people signed up here on Tinnitus Talk - and that's only one page - are all of us suffering from some kind of collective delusion? I don't think so!

When people don't have a good answer they often become defensive and / or aggressive, so the other person will shut up and go away. You see it with parents when their kids are going through a "But why?" phase. It's easier to make the kid shut up or feel stupid for asking than admitting the answer to their questions is something you don't know. I know, it's easier said than done, but please don't take some other person's insecurities too much to heart!

 

[GrodanB]

your doctor would actually have to emphasise the psychological / psychiatric aspects in order to get you anything.

I'm sure it's the same here where I live. But for her to say that my tinnitus and hyperacusis, the source of my suffering that I have actively been seeking help for since 2019, is merely a symptom of an underlying neurological disability made me furious.

I will be doing the examination of course. I will be going through every minute detail of what I have been going through the past 4 years. Just to give them a good insight of what us tinnitus sufferers have to deal with. I have OCD and depression, both psychological disorders. That is undeniable, I have been diagnosed.

I was bedridden through all of 2019 to mid 2020, having lost all of my hopes and dreams of making my parents proud. They pulled me outside to sit in the sun for 30 seconds every week. So I know what true depression is like. But I almost can't bring myself to call this depression anymore, this is BEYOND depression.

None of my parents work, my dad quit his job and sold his trucks and we are now living on the money from those. And I hate spending my parents money, so naturally I want an income. But of course I literally cannot get a job or study, I have tried studying two years and I failed. I accepted that I will never be able to be a functioning member of the society, even if I still hate myself for it.

If they were the "diagnosis" would be easier live with, sort of like a means to an end.

With diagnosis I'm guessing you mean either Autism or ADHD, which I strongly doubt I have.

I did an autism test in the 7th grade, where they concluded that I in fact did not have it. Why was it conducted? Because I didn't get along with my class... My class was awful, the school had THE worst reputation in the entire city in terms of students. And I witnessed it firsthand, so no shit I looked autistic. I sat alone hiding behind my laptop all day waiting to go home. Not because I was autistic, simply because I hated being there. I still had friends at home.

But would an autism diagnosis benefit me? Sure, not socially of course but financially. My social window is gone, I'm done with school and meeting new people. I just want money so I can better endure this hell alone. Is that too much to ask?