Why Is It So Unfair? Today a Bad Day and Think I'm Not Gonna Make It

[Sara_Bond]

Hello everyone,

I decided to make a post. Today is a bad day for me.

I have a cold and I'm thinking why me? Please, why? Why all my friends seem so happy, why they just have a normal life, why? Why can't I go ahead?

Let me introduce myself. I am Sara, I am 33. Everything was cool in my life : a job, a family, friends, no love but on the edge to find someone. However I wasn't completely satisfied with my life since I wanted to have a family, and my job began to annoy me. But it was nothing compared to T.

Today is a bad day. 4 months later and I'm still going through this mess. And always blaming myself to not have enough paid attention. These thoughts are haunting me since day 1.

In my case, T came twice. I was lucky enough the first time. I went to a club with a friend to have a drink (like we couldn't go to a bar, was I thinking afterwards?). Came back home at 1 pm, took some funny selfies, then got to bed. And heard the monster. I wasn't too afraid, telling myself before sleeping, it's gonna go tomorrow. But it didn't. On Sunday, waking up, not thinking of it, but heard it while I was doing my dishes. The sound was maskable by ambient sounds and decided to not pay attention to it.

Went to the office on Monday, could hear it in the office. But still haven't got called the doctor. I knew what was T and I knew it was uncurable.

However I decided to go the hospital on Tuesday. A f******* GP checked my ears very briefly, and I told him if everything was gonna be alright. He said yes and disappeared without gaving me some advice. At that time I thought that if T disappeared, it would mean that I'm healed.

On Wednesday, it was perfect. My T was gone and i was so hilarious about it! I decided to go to the gym on the same day to evacuate all the stress I got from it... And that was a disaster... The music inthere was so loud and hurt my ears again. It was worse. The ringing was really loud and this time this was my right ear. Left ear wasn't ringing so loudly even it did. This time, my ears were physically hurting and burning.

I was on Cortisone so I decided to keep on with the treatment, and was telling to myself that it will go away like the first time.

I saw an ENT the next Monday, who did the exams and gave me more Cortisone, Vastarel, Magnesium and warns me to not expose myself again to loud noise. Why didn't have I called him since the beginning!!!!!

I will avoid all the hell I've been through since November, was even thinking that I cannot live like this. Yes I had these thoughts. Sleepless nights (3 months), anxiety and real panick attacks, I lost weight (5kgs/11lbs), depression was around the corner... Maybe still there.

Even I got used to this monster, another one came to give me some more challenges: H. At the beginning, I didn't really notice it but more the time was flying and more my ears were aching. In the beginning I even went to a bar (with earplugs) and didn't have any pains.

Today my ears are constantly hurting, it is a diffuse pain, even when it has no sound. The weirdest thing is that normal sounds don't hurt me except high pitched sounds, choking plates, screaming kids... but I do have the diffuse pain especially in the morning.

H is a real problem cause it forces me to stay at home, not going outside, couldn't watch TV, even has no interests in anything except going on forums and doing research on my T and H. I'm afraid of the noise. My life is so crappy. I'm an errant in my parent's house. I even don't recognize myself. Got a look on Facebook and Instagram, seeing others keeping up with their own life and mine just wasted in a so unreal nightmare. At a time I couldn't go on Facebook, having a look at my friend's update, it was too hurtful for me.

Today I'm crying cause it seems I got no solutions. It seems my life would never be like before. My H is just disabling me, and the T has just ruined all the things I've been building in my life.

It is so unfair. I used to love makeup, clothes, meeting friends, joy, going out, travelling. In less than one month I will turn 34, and all the hope I got to meet someone and share a family is all gone.

I got a cold since 3 days with some coughing and I noticed the sound of my T has changed. I used to have crickets than ringing now it's like a hissing or a whisthling all day, so awful (I saw a chiropractor on Wednesday, was wondering if it wasn't due to the session). My left ear most of the time was "silent", now I can hear another whistling, even mild but still annoying, added to my major T which is on my right ear.

I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe just to avoid to go crazier. Honestly I don't see the light and everyday I am blaming myself for not having reacted instantly and for having gone to the gym. I always tell myself, that if I paid attention from the beginning, I wouldn't be in this horrible situation and I would have ruled my life like before.

Life could be so unfair.

 

[barnacle]

Hello everyone,

I decided to make a post. Today is a bad day for me.

I have a cold and I'm thinking why me? Please, why? Why all my friends seem so happy, why they just have a normal life, why? Why can't I go ahead?

Let me introduce myself. I am Sara, I am 33. Everything was cool in my life : a job, a family, friends, no love but on the edge to find someone. However I wasn't completely satisfied with my life since I wanted to have a family, and my job began to annoy me. But it was nothing compared to T.

Today is a bad day. 4 months later and I'm still going through this mess. And always blaming myself to not have enough paid attention. These thoughts are haunting me since day 1.

In my case, T came twice. I was lucky enough the first time. I went to a club with a friend to have a drink (like we couldn't go to a bar, was I thinking afterwards?). Came back home at 1 pm, took some funny selfies, then got to bed. And heard the monster. I wasn't too afraid, telling myself before sleeping, it's gonna go tomorrow. But it didn't. On Sunday, waking up, not thinking of it, but heard it while I was doing my dishes. The sound was maskable by ambient sounds and decided to not pay attention to it.

Went to the office on Monday, could hear it in the office. But still haven't got called the doctor. I knew what was T and I knew it was uncurable.

However I decided to go the hospital on Tuesday. A f******* GP checked my ears very briefly, and I told him if everything was gonna be alright. He said yes and disappeared without gaving me some advice. At that time I thought that if T disappeared, it would mean that I'm healed.

On Wednesday, it was perfect. My T was gone and i was so hilarious about it! I decided to go to the gym on the same day to evacuate all the stress I got from it... And that was a disaster... The music inthere was so loud and hurt my ears again. It was worse. The ringing was really loud and this time this was my right ear. Left ear wasn't ringing so loudly even it did. This time, my ears were physically hurting and burning.

I was on Cortisone so I decided to keep on with the treatment, and was telling to myself that it will go away. But until today, it is still there.

I saw an ENT the next Monday, who did the exams and gave me more Cortisone, Vastarel, Magnesium and warns me to not expose myself again to loud noise. Why didn't have I called him since the beginning!!!!!

I will avoid all the hell I've been through since November, was even thinking that I cannot live like this. Yes I had these thoughts. Sleepless nights (3 months), anxiety and real panick attacks, I lost weight (5kgs/11lbs), depression was around the corner... Maybe still there.

Even I got used to this monster, another one came to give me some more challenges: H. At the beginning, I didn't really notice it but more the time was flying and more my ears were aching. In the beginning I even went to a bar (with earplugs) and didn't have any pains.

Today my ears are constantly hurting, it is a diffuse pain, even when it has no sound. The weirdest thing is that normal sounds don't hurt me except high pitched sounds, choking plates, screaming kids... but I do have the diffuse pain especially in the morning.

H is a real problem cause it forces me to stay at home, not going outside, couldn't watch TV, even has no interests in anything except going on forums and doing research on my T and H. My life is so crappy. I'm an errant in my parent's house. I even don't recognize myself. Got a look on Facebook and Instagram, seeing others keeping up with their own life and mine just wasted in a so unreal nightmare. At a time I couldn't go on Facebook, looking at normal people, it was too hurtful for me.

Today I'm crying cause it seems I got no solutions. It seems my life would never be like before. My H is just disabling me, and the T has just ruined all the things I've been building in my life.

It is so unfair. I used to love makeup, clothes, meeting friends, joy, going out, travelling. In less than one month I will turn 34, and all the hope I got to meet someone and share a family is all gone.

I got a cold since 3 days with some coughing and I noticed the sound of my T has changed. I used to have crickets than ringing now it's like a hissing or a whisthling all day, so awful (I saw a chiropractor on Wednesday, was wondering if it wasn't due to the session). My left ear most of the time silent, now I can hear another whistling, even mild but still annoying, added to my major T which is on my right ear.

I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe just to avoid to go crazier. Honestly I don't see the light and everyday I am blaming myself for not having reacted instantly and for having gone to the gym. I always tell myself, that if I paid attention from the beginning, I wouldn't be in this situation and I would have ruled my life like before.

Life could be so unfair.

Hi Sara
Be kind to yourself
Sorry to hear that you're having a bad day. What struck me most about your post was the bit about blaming yourself. It is what I have also been doing from day one and I know the self bame and focus on what caused the tinnitus is stopping me from moving on and is pushing me lower and lower. I lay awake last night thinking about why I never thought about ear potection.
What I'm trying to do, and I dont know if it might work for you, is decide that I will set aside a time each evening to worry. Like say 6:00pm with a cup of tea and this helps me to not feel compelled to worry and self-blame all day long. It seems to be working quite well and by time get to 6:00pm I dont so much feel the need to use this allocated "worry time"! But most important thing is that you are not to blame. You went to club, you didnt go shooting or flying a noisy helicoptor. You were just unlucky. Thats all. Be kind to yourself and take care.

 

[Sara_Bond]

Hi Barnacle,

Thanks for your kind words. Sometimes I would like to have a machine time to go back and do things again in the right way.
Hope you'll get through this too. If you don't have Hyperacusis, it'll get easier, I'm sure.

 

[barnacle]

Hi Barnacle,

Thanks for your kind words. Sometimes I would like to have a machine time to go back and do things again in the right way.
Hope you'll get through this too. If you don't have Hyperacusis, it'll get easier, I'm sure.

Thanks Sara. And if you get hold of that time machine, please send it my way when you have finished. No hyperacusis, I'm glad to say. That sounds really hard. Though since T started, seem to have developed severe depression (which never had before), though would be "funny" if wasnt depressed at first. I hope we both and other newbies quickly get used to it and get on with our life plans.

 

[Zora]

Hey Sara.
I am in the same situation like you. i also blame myself for being uncautious as I was.

First time I got T someone screamed in my ear with a megaphone in the car dor about 3 hours. It was so fucking loud you vant imagine. (i was 18)
As soon as I got out of the car my ears were screaming! So loud that I couldnt understand people around me. That lasted 3-4 days and quickly got better.
In december I had a phase when I was really down. So 7 days I listened to music on maximum volume to distract myself from this depressive situation I was in. And since then I have T and I dont think it is ever going to leave. i was very lucky the first time but now I have damaged my ears way too much.
you had a job and were an outgoing, cool person how it seems.
Unfortunately I was already depressed before.
And like you I am making myself the accusation of being stupid to expose myself to noise again.
But from what you wrote I feel like my noise induction was faar worse. Nevertheless it seems like your T is worse unfortunately. I believe that you are going to be ok again. Bc from going to the club and to the gym u got so massive T? So many people do that and dont have T
I really hope and think you should get better.
bonne chance

 

[Reinier]

I always tell myself, that if I paid attention from the beginning, I wouldn't be in this horrible situation and I would have ruled my life like before.

Difficult to forget this. But you have to. You know these thoughts are counter-productive and yet you can't seem to loose them. I know and struggle with this too.
I am not much help stating the obvious. But I hope you will eventually not go back to these thoughts. I think that is another step in the whole process of accepting what is fact.
Kindred spirits you will find on this forum. Hope that helps. People that understand.

 

[Sara_Bond]

@Reinier[/USER It seems that you're right. I always have been a "mental " girl, eventhough lately I have been more down to earth, always questionning about life. In my case, acceptance is the hardest part (as for everyone I presume), and accepting to be diminished is a tough one too as it prevents me to accomplish some of my dreams. Ego has such a power. Your words seem to have a little "healing" effect for today, thank you.

If you guys have some recommendations for books to help me through this journey, it would be awesome.

 

[billie48]

Welcome to TT, Sara. Sorry that you are suffering. You have our empathy as most of us have been where you are and I have ultra high pitch T plus severe hyperacusis just like you. We understand the tough struggle when tinnitus (T) is new, the mad ringing, the hurtful piercing pain of sounds, the stress, the ups and downs, the fear for the uncertain future, anxiety, panic, depression, sleeplessness etc. etc. What you are going through is quite normal for new sufferers. So don't worry and don't despair. You are not alone. Things will improve and good life can be back. H will usually fade over time. Mine was within the year it started.

A few years back I went through 'hell' with my ultra high pitch dog whistle T. It seems much worse than a dentist drill. It cuts through everything. I could hear it above the jet noise inside during flights and even above the sound of the raging & roaring rapids in the salmon rivers I fish. Worst, as if my sufferings weren't enough, T was soon followed by severe hyperacusis. H turned all normal sounds glassy and piercingly hurtful to the ears and all sounds seem too loud to bear. I had to wear ear plugs but the plugs blocked off all outside masking sounds, making the T scream so much more unbearable. There is no lesser choice among them and there is no escape. Worst still, being someone suffering with prior history of anxiety & panic disorder, T & H literally triggered and opened the flood gate of hell of relentless anxiety & panic attacks with their own set of horrible symptoms. These attacks combined with the suffering of T & H were so unlivable that I doubted if I could survive them for life. I was turned into a physical and mental wreck for months. It was a super tough time, but I manage to survive and overcome T & H with the help of forum support & learning some insights & strategies. Like many others, I wrote my success story and mention some important points and strategies. For brevity, if you are interested to read how I turn around my life, here is the link:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

I am not alone in getting better over time. Many others get well too and we wrote our success stories. Read as many success stories as you can and you will be comforted that people do get better over time. TIME is a very important factor of success and if you couple it with some successful strategies, the recovery to habituation will even be faster. These stories are full of useful insights and strategies. Just copy success from those who have walked their talk. There are also newer drugs being tested with good result, such as AM-101. Good things are on the horizon. So be patient and be positive as much as possible. Don't panic and don't despair. Stress is bad for T. Don't supply it with its fuel to continue its tyranny on you. Get back to living as soon as you can. Good life can still be back. Believe it and have hope in a bright future ahead. If you need masking, you can use the masking sounds on this TT thread. It also comes with great tips for new sufferers. Take good care & God bless you recovery.

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/panic/

 

[black_halo]

It definitely sucks to have T. I have that bastard too and I curse it every day and it often drives me crazy. But then I tell to myself "this mother..er is not going to ruin my life" and I go on the way I did before.

Get out there, go out, meet with friends - you'll see that at good moments you don't hear it. And believe I know what I talk about because mine is really loud. I can hear it at the rick concert.

If this get better over time? Certainly yes. Just be careful, if you go to party, concert, club - wear ear plugs to protect yourself from further damage. Try to relax and don't be anxious. Enjoy little and big things and just be thankful.

 

[Sara_Bond]

@Zora

Hallo Zora

Herzlichen Dank für dein Post.

Indeed I was a cool and festive person but 2015 has been hectic for me. The week I got my T, I wasn't feeling good at all.

Anyone who goes to the club doesn't have T (fortunately), but I was in love with music, and I used to listen to it a lot with my earphones. Music has been a great friend, accompanying me from my teenage time until my T. These last three years I used to go out very often so I guess that noise exposure is cumulative. 1st time my ears were strong enough to resist, but then not enough to resist to a 2nd assault.

My T is tonal, could be quieter in the morning and be louder in the evening. It's reactive to noise. This freaky monster surprises me every time, eventhough the "general" pattern seems to be quieter in the morning (could be a 1 or 2) and goes up along the day (4-5-6).

You are young, you maybe was not aware of the danger. At 18, I didn't know T exists at all, and couldn't figure out that I could have my ears damaged. In the meanwhile, in the late 90's, devices were not as powerful and sophisticated as today so I guess they were harmless. Don't blame yourself please. You're young, it may go away, you still have fresh cells .

The industry got young people so caught up in listening all day everyday, it should be something mandatory to inform and educate young people at school about the danger of constant noise exposure.

Ich hoffe auch, dass du besser gehst. Wünsche dir viel Glück .
Liebe Grüsse aus Frankreich

Sara

 

[Sara_Bond]

It definitely sucks to have T. I have that bastard too and I curse it every day and it often drives me crazy. But then I tell to myself "this mother..er is not going to ruin my life"

Hi @black_halo

Your words made me smile cause it really sucks for sure. Thanks for your encouraging words.
I promised myself that I will never go to a club again.

Lots of hope
Sara

 

[Sara_Bond]

Thank you @billie48. Your story is really inspiring. And I hope we all get to your stage one day.