...I didn't stop working due to the anxiety. I didn't stop making dinner for my daughter. I didn't stop playing with my daughter or neglect the needs of my family. I had more sex than I have ever before the past month (which I've yet to understand). Hilariously the past two weeks have been my busiest two weeks at work and my appointment book has been filled for the first time. So many opportunities for me to crawl in a hole and give up. So many ways I could have sabotaged myself from the fear that tinnitus brings with it. But I didn't. I didn't fall to floor in anguish or fear that my life is now over.
That's not to say I haven't been anxious, depressed, scared. All of the feelings I had when I experienced onset are alive within me once again. I almost forgot how anxious I was. I forgot about the time I didn't sleep or eat for four days straight. I forgot about the three showers a day I would take and ball my eyes out. I forgot about begging to god to heal me. I forgot about how mentally sick I was. I forgot when I finally started to feel the weight of anxiety leave my body. Being back here, feeling like I did at the onset has me freaked out.
I just keep telling myself it will be okay. I say give it three months to get back to where you were. I was so comfortable with (even though I HATED) my former tinnitus that I could even sit in silence and listen to it without feeling anything but annoyed and wishing it would go away. This anxiety and fear makes me feel nauseous but I got through it once and even though it's a little/ a lot worse this time I believe I can get back to where I was.
During my onset I didn't eat, I lost 10 pounds in a month and I'm a small person to begin with. I could not take care of my daughter I needed so much help. I could barely move my body as I was crippled with fear for a month at least.
I really can't remember when I was able to sleep without masking but I was for the entire month of July. I can't remember when I started laughing again, and a lot but I know is was all of July.
I regret hating my situation so much instead of appreciating that it was actually getting better. But now it is worse and I have no control over that. I just hope and pray and believe it will get better because it has before so why can't it again??
(Pictures of me and my daughter at beach today. I heard tinnitus but tried to focus on my daughter as best I could and not fall into despair. I hope living will tell my brain all is well and tamp down the damn tinnitus)
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