Year Anniversary of My Tinnitus

[st0rch]

I'm almost 24, and my life has evaporated because of this. I already had too much on my plate when it started, but it has consumed me.I can't go to concerts anymore? I can't go out to clubs and bars with my friends anymore? I cant go to a god damn movie without worrying it will get worse? (has anyone had any luck with concerts? I really miss music)

What is the god damn point. Every good or bad day I have used to be fixed or made better by relaxing. You cant relax when you go home and lay down and hear someone scratching against a chalkboard inside your head.

All I'm reading is that there will be no real treatment or cure for a good 20-30 years. All of these "promising" studies have yet to yield results. Even if they do, I doubt I'll have the money or insurance will cover them...


Sorry for being so pessimistic. I want my life back. I want to lay down and take a nap, and enjoy the silence of my room again... What a simple thing to take for granted. On top of the already terrible generalized anxiety disorder I had, this is literally consuming me. I am in physical pain from the exhaustion this causes me.

I HATE the fact that I think about killing myself every day. I do NOT want to die, I want to be happy.

 

[Lena C.]

I searh each word of your post. I'm suffering from T since five month. I want too return on restaurants, clubs, bars,... But we are alive and it's a great point. Every day I tkink the suicide too. But I think my family too. It remains nature and a life.
What is the intensity of your tinnitus ?

 

[Telis]

I hear you...I'm at a year as well, almost everything you describe echoes my current situation. Thinking about death to escape this suffering is not nice, especially when you want to live and be happy. It's just plain scary to have these thoughts present every day. It's a dark world to live in.

Try and enjoy the moment is all I have for advise. You may be unhappy and suffering 99% of time but try and dwell on the 1% or whatever it may be for you where things are kind of ok. Most of life sucks right now but maybe those small moments become longer and longer and the suffering less and less. Give time a chance.

As far as ending it, drop it from your mind for now, put it off. Push it down the line as something you can entertain at a later date....worry about it later, give yourself time and a break from this thought. You don't need to worry about death right now on top of your T, try and shove it aside.

That's all I have for advise, pretty simple stuff. I'm sure the vets here have something more to offer.

Take care

Telis

 

[Andrew]

Your situation echoes mine, everything in my life has changed since my Tinnitus developed and the outlook does seem bleak.

The two highlights of my day:

1. The shower in the morning because it completely covers my tinnitus.
2. Driving to/from work with my music playing and the fan on.

Pretty pathetic eh?

But no matter how bad you feel, please remember one thing.

You are not alone.

 

[kenny]

I am coming up to my year anniversary soon, and when I think back to the beginning I had all those thoughts
About killing myself etc, I also think going on antidepressants made things worse for me, had bad side affects
You have 2 choices, you either let tinnitus rule your life, or you pick yourself up and begin getting your life back
Lets face it there isn't a cure out there yet, we are all hoping for that magic device or pill, there's only one thing that can put your life back on track and that's YOU!
My tinnitus is exactly the same as when it first started, i can only describe it as a dog whistle going off in my head
I never in a million years thought that I would get used to it, I still have off days, but my life is vertually back to normal, and I was astonished at the ammount of friends and family who have this condition, including my wife,
We have been married 35yrs and she never mentioned it once, was only when I started complaining that she told me, and boy did she kick my butt, so all I can say is you will, and you have to get used to it, stop the thoughts of suicide start fighting, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start LIVING!

 

[amandine]

@kenny

how do you work with this going on?

 

[kenny]

@kenny

how do you work with this going on?

Hi, I work as a taxi driver in London, so as you can imagine its noisy most of the time,
The only time it can annoy me is first thing in the morning when I wake up,
Other than that I am ok, what choice do I have?

 

[Andrew]

Hi, I work as a taxi driver in London, so as you can imagine its noisy most of the time,
The only time it can annoy me is first thing in the morning when I wake up,
Other than that I am ok, what choice do I have?

I work in the Contracts department of an Oil company, so as you can imagine it's deadly quiet in the office.

I've started going to my desk and putting my headphones in straight away so I have noise to distract me from the tinnitus while I work..........

Same here, what other choice is there? I've worked too hard in my life just to stop.

 

[kenny]

I work in the Contracts department of an Oil company, so as you can imagine it's deadly quiet in the office.

I've started going to my desk and putting my headphones in straight away so I have noise to distract me from the tinnitus while I work..........

Same here, what other choice is there? I've worked too hard in my life just to stop.

Well done Andrew, good to see your coping with this debilitating condition, obviously some people's
Willpower is stronger than others, but I think that's whats needed, and as you've said you have worked hard,
So don't stop, you carry on mate, and the best of luck to you

 

[Andrew]

Well done Andrew, good to see your coping with this debilitating condition, obviously some people's
Willpower is stronger than others, but I think that's whats needed, and as you've said you have worked hard,
So don't stop, you carry on mate, and the best of luck to you

Haha I don't know about coping Kenny, I've only had it a month and my mind has taken me to some dark places!

When I feel bad or down I just come onto this forum and read the 'Research News' thread and the fact people are trying to discover a treatment for this makes me feel better!

 

[LadyDi]

I found myself feeling very blue on my first anniversary, @st0rch. There is something about realizing it has been a full year that makes you feel, damn, I may actually be stuck with this. But I have found, as the months tick on, that my life has pretty much returned to normal. I am not happy about having tinnitus. But I can live with it -- something I never dreamed possible a year ago.

You can get a lot of your old life back. I go to concerts; not huge head-banging concerts, and always using maximum ear protection. But I can do concerts outside, when I am far away from the speakers, in smaller venues, etc. I go out with my friends and I go to movies. I can't do everything I once did, but I can enjoy a lot of it. Taking some cautious steps in that direction might help you feel you have some control.

Unfortunately, I think its part of being human that we "don't know what we got 'til its gone." I don't miss silence as much as not feeling tired all the time (tinnitus wears me out). But as others here said, we just have to pick ourselves up and keep on. Tinnitus isn't the first curve ball life has thrown me and I am sure it won't be the last. But at this point, I intend to keep swinging at 'em.

 

[kenny]

I suppose I am lucky to a certain degree that my tinnitus isn't noise induced
I am going to see the tribute band Brit floyd next week at wembley arena
And the strange thing is that when I come out of any concert my tinnitus
Is totally silent, but it always creaps back

 

[LadyDi]

Hey @kenny, my tinnitus isn't noise induced, either. But noise certainly has the ability to aggravate it now that I have it. While I refuse to live my life in a sound-proof bubble, I am very careful about noise exposure now. Hope you will take good ear protection to your concert -- and have fun.

 

[Larry OT]

@st0rch

Many of us here have thought about ending it all at one point or another. I did my time in that rodeo, but I think about my family and my loved ones who want me here no matter what. And I think about owning my life again in spite of this thing that wants my energy and sanity and soul.

Sometimes it wins and I crumble and think the worst, but I know the worst moments or hours or days always pass. Sometimes even in that bad day I can give myself the strength and courage to turn it around.
It's the hardest thing ever for anyone with this "condition".

That's why I come here for a little strength and encouragement, just like you have.
Don't let T win the day. It's a strange battle of acceptance of it and moving past it to live a fuller life in any way you can. Listening through the noise to the sounds that are always there to focus on that won't hurt. Easy to say, I know.

Don't let iT win. Do something more today, as you already have by coming here.
It'd the tinest steps that lead to bigger strides on this journey.

By pushing ourselves up we push the noise down in our heart and in time, on any given day the sound is weaker and unable to knock us over because we are stronger. Those days are always within reach and I reach for them every opportunity.
I have to.
So do you.

 

[st0rch]

It's not even that I could kill myself. I have a little sister who is dealing with the same alcoholic parents I had to. We've already lost my older brother, I know they couldn't live losing me as well. But it's so hard living for other people and not yourself. But I would die FOR my family, so I know I also have to live for them to make that statement true.

I pull myself up every day. But repeating what has already been said... It's tiring. A 23 year old should not feel so physically and emotionally exhausted every day. I am constantly blocking out thoughts of my past so they can't drag me down into the depressing realization that I can never go back.

Sadly, I feel my anxiety & panic attacks are worse than the tinnitus. I often think about being given the choice to remove one health problem I suffer with, and would choose the anxiety before the tinnitus. That speaks loudly, as my tinnitus drives me absolutely insane. With so many reports of people trying antidepressants and GETTING tinnitus, I am afraid to make it worse, but I feel like I need medication support in my life (mine was noise induced, if it makes a difference).

The only way I ever bring myself up is by thinking how others may be much more unfortunate than myself. I'd never wish this on anyone, though I do know there is always someone who has it worse.

I know I'm not alone, but it sure seems like it. I constantly try to explain this to family and friends, and they say "oh yeah I get that some times too" or "just go see a doctor about it". It's not their fault, how could you know how extremely painful this is unless you have experienced it? The same goes for doctors honestly... The general "Just deal with it!" attitude is extremely frustrating. It's just hard to only be supported by an online forum. (though every single one of you really are great people and I appreciate the relief you bring me).

I hope someday I'll be able to return to what I love. Wouldn't it be nice if you could go through a single day without repeating the word "Tinnitus" in your head? I'd love to lay in bed and think about my day, or tomorrow, instead of thinking about how long it will take me to fall asleep and push the noise out. There is no time to reflect, relax, or enjoy anymore... A constant, never ending struggle, as you all know too well.