This is the post I wish I had seen half a year ago.
Starting in April I went through a very difficult episode. Mainly due to job related stress I first had panic attacks, then started to experience insomnia, then depression, then I began to diagnose new symptoms every week - I had muscle twitching, what felt like Restless Legs Syndrome (when you can't sleep because you have an urge to move your legs), and finally tinnitus.
I always had tinnitus, in my case around 6000Hz and a bit washed out (so not a clear sound but a more diffuse noise), but it never bothered me, in fact for a long time I didn't even know this wasn't normal. Only in this period did I suddenly perceive it as disturbing. I of course hopped on the internet and quickly found out that tinnitus is basically incurable and there are many people whose lives were ruined by it.
I felt that medical science has failed me. There is no cure for tinnitus, no real cure for insomnia apart from addictive drugs, no cure for RLS and we don't even know what causes muscle twitching. The internet was full of advice like "have faith in yourself and you'll overcome difficulties" or "just maintain proper sleep hygiene and it will go away" and I was like "is this drivel all we can come up with after 200 years of scientific research????"
Things got so bad that I purchased euthanasia drugs and wrote my suicide notes, thinking that I have irreversible conditions, things are absolutely hopeless, and expecting to commit suicide within weeks.
Around that point I noticed that all this crap was in my head. Restless Legs Syndrome is the only thing that can actually be diagnosed and after visiting a neurologist it turned out that I don't actually have the condition. I was just imagining it. After this, RLS symptoms magically vanished.
I then turned to tinnitus. I decided that this shit can also be overcome. I conditioned myself to think these thoughts whenever I notice my tinnitus (in the beginning, basically every waking minute): "I don't care about tinnitus. There are times when I don't actually hear it, and it does not impact my sleep." After a few weeks I noticed that sometimes I went for hours without noticing the tinnitus signal. Then days. I still have it and probably always will but now it does not cause any anxiety or fear in me. In fact I find it comforting, a sign that my brain is operating normally.
Then I started to *actually* observe good sleep hygiene (rigidly adhering to a sleep schedule) and it turns out that… in fact it helps. I also learned how to do Autogenic Relaxation and you know what? It also works, it's NOT just some kind of esoteric bullshit. Finally, I started to swim every day, which did wonders for my mood.
I feel well again. I still get the occasional bad night or muscle twitch, and the tinnitus signal is still there. But after changing my mindset from "oh my God, I'm finished, life is unfair" to "work hard and this can be overcome", and actually taking the steps outlined above, I'm back to my former energetic and cheerful self after 3-4 really tough months.
Takeaways:
* The advice you read about thinking positively, training yourself to change your mental reactions, adhering to a sleep schedule, learning to relax etc is NOT smoke and mirrors. It is powerful medicine.
* It IS possible to break out of the downward spiral of anxiety. You CAN and WILL feel again like "your old self".
* When it's all over you will be proud of yourself and will feel wiser and stronger for making it through your ordeal. And you really will feel thankful for not committing suicide. Even though I hated everybody who said this ("they can't understand what I'm going through!") - they actually were right.
Keep fighting, people!
Starting in April I went through a very difficult episode. Mainly due to job related stress I first had panic attacks, then started to experience insomnia, then depression, then I began to diagnose new symptoms every week - I had muscle twitching, what felt like Restless Legs Syndrome (when you can't sleep because you have an urge to move your legs), and finally tinnitus.
I always had tinnitus, in my case around 6000Hz and a bit washed out (so not a clear sound but a more diffuse noise), but it never bothered me, in fact for a long time I didn't even know this wasn't normal. Only in this period did I suddenly perceive it as disturbing. I of course hopped on the internet and quickly found out that tinnitus is basically incurable and there are many people whose lives were ruined by it.
I felt that medical science has failed me. There is no cure for tinnitus, no real cure for insomnia apart from addictive drugs, no cure for RLS and we don't even know what causes muscle twitching. The internet was full of advice like "have faith in yourself and you'll overcome difficulties" or "just maintain proper sleep hygiene and it will go away" and I was like "is this drivel all we can come up with after 200 years of scientific research????"
Things got so bad that I purchased euthanasia drugs and wrote my suicide notes, thinking that I have irreversible conditions, things are absolutely hopeless, and expecting to commit suicide within weeks.
Around that point I noticed that all this crap was in my head. Restless Legs Syndrome is the only thing that can actually be diagnosed and after visiting a neurologist it turned out that I don't actually have the condition. I was just imagining it. After this, RLS symptoms magically vanished.
I then turned to tinnitus. I decided that this shit can also be overcome. I conditioned myself to think these thoughts whenever I notice my tinnitus (in the beginning, basically every waking minute): "I don't care about tinnitus. There are times when I don't actually hear it, and it does not impact my sleep." After a few weeks I noticed that sometimes I went for hours without noticing the tinnitus signal. Then days. I still have it and probably always will but now it does not cause any anxiety or fear in me. In fact I find it comforting, a sign that my brain is operating normally.
Then I started to *actually* observe good sleep hygiene (rigidly adhering to a sleep schedule) and it turns out that… in fact it helps. I also learned how to do Autogenic Relaxation and you know what? It also works, it's NOT just some kind of esoteric bullshit. Finally, I started to swim every day, which did wonders for my mood.
I feel well again. I still get the occasional bad night or muscle twitch, and the tinnitus signal is still there. But after changing my mindset from "oh my God, I'm finished, life is unfair" to "work hard and this can be overcome", and actually taking the steps outlined above, I'm back to my former energetic and cheerful self after 3-4 really tough months.
Takeaways:
* The advice you read about thinking positively, training yourself to change your mental reactions, adhering to a sleep schedule, learning to relax etc is NOT smoke and mirrors. It is powerful medicine.
* It IS possible to break out of the downward spiral of anxiety. You CAN and WILL feel again like "your old self".
* When it's all over you will be proud of yourself and will feel wiser and stronger for making it through your ordeal. And you really will feel thankful for not committing suicide. Even though I hated everybody who said this ("they can't understand what I'm going through!") - they actually were right.
Keep fighting, people!
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